Why does my son HATE me?

[MootingMirror]

DS is 16mo and he HATES me. He has always hated me. He loves DH more than anything in the world ever, loves the dogs, loves everyone on the planet except for me. And I have no idea why. If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born. If I pick him up then he'll scream. He won't take food or water or milk from me, ever. I had to express breastmilk because he wouldn't go on the breast but he would only take a bottle from DH. He just completely refuses from me but if anyone else gives it to him then he's very happy. There are no photos of us together where he's not screaming - not one single photo since the day he was born.
It's not that he's overly attached to DH though, because he's perfectly fine at nursery or with his grandparents or even complete strangers. When my brother visited from living abroad and met him for the first time then he was very happy to play with him and cuddle him - but won't do that with me. When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.
Some people have suggested it's because, as the mother, he sees me all day so takes me for granted but that can't be the case. DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three. So, when DS saw us the same amount he hated me, when he saw me more than DH, he hated me and now he sees DH more than me, he still hates me.
I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the park or shops without DH (or someone else) because he screams the whole time. I've tried changing my perfume and deodorant and things like that but it makes no difference. Everyone says he's the happiest little boy in the world and nursery think he's the easiest baby to look after - I'm the only person he hates.
The birth was fine, no drama there - left hospital the same day.
I don't know how to fix it.

Cassie Nightingale - I'm fine thank you. Of course the OP would be aware of what was going on with the child while ignoring him. She wouldn't let him burn the house down etc. for example.

I just re-read your posts and realised that you already tried the T-shirt thing so sorry for suggesting it! Do you often socialise with other families with small children (the same age or orlder than your DS)? That partly depends I think on whether you have family with kids the same age. I ask because if you are playing/interacting with DS and other children, presumably the other children are happy around you (ish, obviously toddlers are always one broken biscuit away from a meltdown). Im just wondering if, maybe when hes a bit older and interacts with other children more, he might relax when he sees other children relaxed around you.
Obviously it would be hard to sort that now since socialising in larger groups is of. Plus it might be a bit wierd to ask other people if you can borrow their children to prove a point to your son. But it might be worth trying to work towards that.
I also think if you can push for outside help you should although I accept that it isnt so easy to make professionals listen sometimes.

This all sounds very distressing for you OP- I'm not sure how you've coped so far. I'm wondering how on earth you care for him when DH is working if you can't touch him and he's screaming all day- in my experience looking after a baby that age is very hands on!

Maybe another baby is the answer! ?

He doesn't hate you op.

This must be so upsetting for you and you’re doing so well to keep trying and staying up beat. My dd screamed at anyone that wasn’t me for months including dh which was hard to get a break but I just left her to it sometimes. She grew out of it.

If you see it in the same way as a phobia, you could try some desensitisation techniques to make you less ‘scary’. (Obviously you are not at all scary.)

So try some activities your dh there where he and you play very closely together where dh takes the lead initially and gradually you get more involved. Eg rolling a ball to ds where you sit next to dh while he does it and you watch then eventually you both do it then dh rolls it to you... slowly introducing the idea.
Or you hold something that ds would really want so he comes to get it, with dh gradually withdrawing.

And babies can't be assessed/diagnosed for/with for asd. Behavioural traits are monitored but unless it's profound, behavioural difficulties are usually observed over time.

@FreekStar

Maybe another baby is the answer! ?

She should get a puppy too!

Nothing to add but huge sympathy! My DS went through a phase of strongly preferring his dad/only letting him take him out the car, bath him, feed him etc etc which was very upsetting at the time but was nothing on this scale. I would have flounced I think in your shoes and left the pair of them to it! So I am in awe of your calm patient approach to this (am sure it can't possibly always be like that). Have read the whole thread and agree shout for professional help with your evidence plus immediately start holding him more firmly (if he will let you) as a few people have suggested. Surely it has to be a sensory issue if it started at birth? One of my DDs hates any tight clothes/shoes and everything has to be several sizes too big (which looks ridiculous!) but this wasn't fully obvious until she was around 3 or 4. Nothing makes complete sense in your case, it's baffling. The best outcome would of course be that he grows out of it but it's hard to imagine it. Hope other people's experiences have helped you feel less alone. X

The nanny above who talked about an association - something as simple as that - that seems like what you are describing. In which case you would need a staged plan to change things (and that won't happen without the video diary I mentioned above).

sorry if I have missed this in your posts but how was breast-feeding? With me, it turned out that i had too much milk and was literally choking the poor baby. I got some help from La Leche but baby did form an association/aversion so wouldn't take milk for a while even when boobs were no longer exploding.

I’ve read most of the thread, but sorry if I’m repeating someone.
I really feel for you OP. It sounds so difficult.
I’m wondering where you live? Places like the Tavistock Clinic in London (and a few branches other places I believe) specialise in assessing and helping with early parenting relationships. I think it would really be of benefit for you both to have a highly trained therapist who specialises in infant parent relationships.
My concern here is, never mind about whether ASD or anxiety or anything else is involved, somehow you and your son, and possibly in some way your husband, have now got into a stuck pattern of behaviour and way of relating that is in itself proving difficult for you all to break out of. I think a therapeutic pair of eyes would go a long way to teasing out what could be going on to cause such distress for you all.
I am in no way saying anything is being done badly or wrong, but obviously you all need things to change as quickly as possible to a more healthy and less ‘stuck’ relationship between you and your little boy.
I do not really recommend going through HV. This is not going to be in their skill set, or not usually anyway. Similarly, you’d have to get very lucky with your GP.
Please consider some sort of Psychoanalytic Parent and baby therapy...they will also have the skills to spot ASD traits if that is a factor...you must be so tired and desperate for a cuddle from your boy. He must also be really struggling. I think you would do really well with this because your ability to discuss in an undefended way on this thread is quite unusual. It would make this sort of intervention much more likely to succeed.
I wish you all the best, it is fine not to be ok about this, it sounds deeply upsetting.

@RaisinGhost

I adore every single inch of him. He is the most incredible bundle I have ever come across. He's my whole world and he's just gorgeous in every way.

See to me this is the weird part. If you have literally not had one single nice interaction with your ds in his whole life how can you have any sort of bond with him?

Because I see him with DH nearly all the time I see him - I'm rarely alone with him because it distresses him. So, the vast majority of the time, he's happy and smiling and giggling and doing incredible things. He doesn't interact positively with me but I still see how he interacts positively with others.

This sounds really tough and you sound so brave and calm dealing with such a painful situation - the sign of a really good parent

One thing to bear in mind is how the stages of attachment occur in infants. Of course it's different in every baby and nothing is exact.

From birth to a few months old babies haven't learnt there are lots of separate people and they don't have preferences for different people. Instead they quickly learn to prefer where/who they can get comfort, food, warmth etc. You say you feel your ds hated you from birth so I wonder if breastfeeding was difficult for him in the earliest stages (painful or uncomfortable) so he quickly learnt that the comfort and food he wanted was associated with your bottle-feeding dh and others but not you.

From 4 or 5 months or so, babies learn to distinguish their 'preferred' caregiver and start to respond to that person more positively than others. Often that's the mum because she's the one doing the majority of feeding and hands on care, but perhaps in your case your dh got ds's favourite person status because dh was doing a great job sharing parenting with you.

By 9 months or so, a baby usually start to show strong preferences for that one special person e.g. crying if that person leaves the room, wanting to be cared for, fed or held only by the special one. 9 to 16 months is peak age for separation anxiety from the one they prefer. (There are so many posts on MN of people complaining that their baby doesn't seem to like their dad or wont let anyone else put them to bed etc). But in fact it's seen as worrying if a baby this age doesn't have strong attachment preferences for particular adults.

It's really really hard for you that your ds has for whatever reason developed his primary attachment to his dad and by default he's strongly rejecting you because you're the wrong person in his mind. I'm not saying it's normal at all for him to refuse to eat and to scream for hours but it is part of a normal phase that will change and get better as he gets older. The good thing is that naturally he will soon start to expand his circle of trusted people a bit wider and if you carry on doing what you're doing - playing alongside him, caring for him as much as he allows you, trying to keep positive, calm and happy around him - then he will let you in.

And FWIW my ds did this to me but with his childminder as I had to go back to work full time. He'd cry like I was kidnapping him when I went to pick him up . DS and I now have an incredibly close bond and no lasting damage (to either of us). I'm so pleased you'll get some further professional advice because it sounds like you and your ds both deserve some helpful support.

@HandsFaceSpace

The nanny above who talked about an association - something as simple as that - that seems like what you are describing. In which case you would need a staged plan to change things (and that won't happen without the video diary I mentioned above).

sorry if I have missed this in your posts but how was breast-feeding? With me, it turned out that i had too much milk and was literally choking the poor baby. I got some help from La Leche but baby did form an association/aversion so wouldn't take milk for a while even when boobs were no longer exploding.

Thank you. I did mention above but I understand it's a long thread so reasonable that you'd miss things. I tried desperately to breastfeed but he'd scream whenever I held him so didn't get him remotely near the boob. So I expressed and DH gave it to him in a bottle.

If it was ASD would it be apparent from birth? It does seem that is likely either ASD or a sensory disorder or some kind of early (birth, pain, reflux?) trauma which has led to a negative association which is stuck in a feedback loop. Definitely seek help. Could you afford to pay for a private assessment if getting nowhere with HV referral? As pp have said they can't diagnose ASD at this age but maybe they could talk through the early days etc to work out if there might have been another trigger/ have knowledge of what is likely to be the issue.

tavistockandportman.nhs.uk/care-and-treatment/treatments/video-feedback-intervention-promote-positive-parenting-vipp/

To add to my post above, this is one of the services they provide, but just speaking to a therapist would be a good first port of call....

"Thank you. I did mention above but I understand it's a long thread so reasonable that you'd miss things. I tried desperately to breastfeed but he'd scream whenever I held him so didn't get him remotely near the boob. So I expressed and DH gave it to him in a bottle."

Ah ok, got it, you never got that far!

Well look, clearly he has some sort of weird association (and that is the case even if he does turn out to have some sort of sensory issue/SN too). You can only make progress by (1) letting time pass or (2) documenting this systematically (same time each day) and starting to show it to professionals. If I was you I would go for (2).

The earliest they can detect ASD is 18months but mostly at the age two. OP is 16 months old so it is couple more months.

The earliest they can start ASSESSING for asd may be 18 months. It's not 'detected'. It's assessed over many years unless it's extremely profound and even then, a diagnosis is unlikely before school age because at that age so many other behaviours can mimic asd behaviours.

My point is exactly as I’ve stated; twice.
You go for medical help and you are your sons voice. You know it’s not normal so you would keep asking for help, or I know I would if I was in your position.

@ChrisPrattsFace

My point is exactly as I’ve stated; twice. You go for medical help and you are your sons voice. You know it’s not normal so you would keep asking for help, or I know I would if I was in your position.

What is your problem?! I went to the doctor. They said it's normal. I didn't think it sounded normal so asked a group of parents online whether it's normal or not. Then you lost your shit and posted the same thing repeatedly. What exactly do you think I've done so wrong?

I haven’t lost ‘my shit’ sweetheart. I clearly said that you would seek medical help, as many others have stated yet you’re targeting me for saying it.
I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, just as I’ve said If it was me in your position I wouldn’t haven’t taken ‘it’s normal’ as an answer.

Sit on the floor with a toy you know he likes. You could also have a plate of tasty snacks. Keep your back turned away from dis. Don’t talk to him but talk to yourself while you play with the toys.
I am going to put this red brick in the box
Now the blue one
Ooh look grapes I will eat a grape and a chocolate button.
I hope ds doesn’t eat my buttons.
A version of this worked with my rather stroppy grandson who took against me. His favourite bit was when I pretended to lose something and he ‘found’it. The important part was not to try to engage with him and eventually he came to me.
Good Luck

Being blunt is not reprimanding someone.
And it’s not jumping up and down and not believing them? It’s asking for another opinion because your concerned about your sons behaviour.