Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is annoyed that I don't let her family pick up my newborn

139 replies

Kazzx · 21/10/2020 11:40

Just a rant :( I had a baby who's now 3 months and my MIL is annoyed that I am not allowing her sisters to pick up my baby due to covid. The same rules applied to my own family, they've not held my baby and she knows that but is still annoyed. We are in the process of rennovating our own house so we are currently living with her :@ DH agrees with me.

OP posts:
MagpieSong · 21/10/2020 15:17

@babygroups

Also, a baby might be at low risk of death from Covid but who actually wants their tiny baby catching any illnesses tbh. A high temperature can be pretty serious in a wee one and even a cold makes them absolutely miserable.
Yes, especially when they cause febrile seizures. My ds has one due to a severe infection/high temp - frightening. Also, there are other symptoms that are unpleasant and that’s before taking infection risk (spreading to everyone else baby comes into contact with) into consideration.

There’s no issue with a first time mum not wanting to break the rules around covid, baby is in one household, MIL’s siblings are in another, they should be distancing despite baby being low risk. If some people want to ignore that rule, that is of course up to them, however, it’s strange to act as if sticking to the rules is ‘odd’, ‘precious’ and so on.

Catladyy · 21/10/2020 15:20

I have also just RTFT and been quite taken aback by how harsh people are! It's absolutely up to you. Aside from anything else, your MIL clearly has some real boundary issues (which I recognise from experience - it has taken DH a good few years and many counselling sessions to overcome his mother's). Start as you mean to go on and let her know who is boss. (YOU.)

UsernameNeverAvailable · 21/10/2020 15:28

Apologies OP, I jumped in and hadn’t understood the OP properly.
So it’s her sisters, then no you’re not being unreasonable at all.

shinynewapple2020 · 21/10/2020 15:34

In 'normal' times I would say you were being precious but at the moment it's very understandable and I would not let anyone outside of my household hold my baby .

MissConductUS · 21/10/2020 15:35

[quote Kazzx]@Rotundandhappy silly things like some of her our family members dropped some gifts off for the baby and left gift receipt. She went and exchanged them for things she felt were more appropriate for the baby without telling me and DH.[/quote]
This is a clear signal that she has no boundaries whatsoever and will take the first opportunity to parade your baby around like a war trophy. This level of cheekiness is really mind-boggling.

Do not let her hold the baby. It will only embolden her to make more demands. You are the mum, your word rules. Remember that there is no benefit to the baby in this, it is purely for her selfish gratification.

PersonaNonGarter · 21/10/2020 15:44

let her know who is boss. (YOU.)

This is only so effective if the OP is actually living in MIL’s house and financially dependent on MIL. The whole ‘boss’ thing is a bit blurred.

SunshineCake · 21/10/2020 15:52

[quote Kazzx]@Yeahnahmum I am a FTM so I am learning something new everyday. I didn't know a 3 month is no longer a newborn.[/quote]
Ignore that poster. Some people are just horrible to make themselves feel better. You'll lots of people saying my baby about their 15 year old. Hurts no one.

Congratulations on your new born baby. Take care of yourself.

Catladyy · 21/10/2020 15:55

@PersonaNonGarter I agree it's important to be polite/cooperative when someone is doing you a favour like letting you stay in their house (although not sure OP said they were financially dependent?) but I think this is a separate point to the who-gets-to-hold-the-baby thing. It's always the parents who get to decide what's right for the baby (absent non-normal situations) - whatever their living/financial situation is. Hosting the family doesn't give the MIL ownership rights.

Original poster
Kazzx · 21/10/2020 15:58

We're not financially dependent, we are paying her towards bills and the household expenditure. Lockdown really ruined our plans of moving out before baby was born. Our builders had to stop working etc however now work is starting again.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 21/10/2020 16:01

Please deal with the exchanging your baby's gifts. That really does leave me speechless.

VinylDetective · 21/10/2020 16:14

[quote Kazzx]@Rotundandhappy silly things like some of her our family members dropped some gifts off for the baby and left gift receipt. She went and exchanged them for things she felt were more appropriate for the baby without telling me and DH.[/quote]
She did what? That’s not a silly thing, it’s a bloody great liberty.

Nefelibata86 · 21/10/2020 16:19

@feministfemme and @CuriousaboutSamphire I share your sentiments exactly. If you Can’t generate a bit of oomph over your firstborn what can you. Not to say OP is being precious as you aren’t. At all. Unfair you should be having to waste your little energy on this

feministfemme · 21/10/2020 16:27

If you can’t generate a bit of oomph over your firstborn what can you.

Exactly. Children (particularly when they're from FTMs with tiny babies) are incredibly precious, as much as people want to use that word in a disparaging way.

If I were OP, I'd rather be considered "precious" than put my baby through potential pain of Covid or other sicknesses.

scrivette · 21/10/2020 16:30

There is no way I would be letting anyone else hold the baby.

You are supposed to be social distancing with those not in your home/bubble and holding a baby isn't social distancing.

Wowwe · 21/10/2020 16:47

Another controlling person blaming Covid 🙄

feministfemme · 21/10/2020 16:53

@wowwe No one is ever entitled to your baby (other than the alternate parent). She could choose who she wanted around her child, Covid or not.

lowlandLucky · 21/10/2020 17:17

You are massively over reacting and being way too precious. I bet your MIL will be glad to see the back of you, she was good enough to put you up but you treat her family like they have the plague. Bet they wil be good enough when you want a babysitter

OverTheRainbow88 · 21/10/2020 17:19

@lowlandLucky

Oh please!!! She’s not treating them as if they have the plague she’s treating them As if they might have covid to protect her young baby.

babygroups · 21/10/2020 17:20

Bet they wil be good enough when you want a babysitter

Is it common to have a baby's great aunts babysit? Confused

Wanttolearnmore · 21/10/2020 17:26

Kazzx the rules are quite clear if you mix with another household you have to socially distance and holding a baby is not social distancing. You are not being precious, these are the rules. Keep repeating this to your MIL like a broken record, she will get the message. I have a 6 month old and only her grandparents and my sister have held her. It's a tough time to have a baby - your MIL and some of the posters on this thread really need to give you a break.
Small babies have no/little immunity and very little is known about this new virus, you can be as protective as you like. Good luck and congrats- hopefully you'll ne out of her house soon.

June628 · 21/10/2020 17:26

@lowlandLucky

You are massively over reacting and being way too precious. I bet your MIL will be glad to see the back of you, she was good enough to put you up but you treat her family like they have the plague. Bet they wil be good enough when you want a babysitter
Isn’t that what we’re all essentially doing... we’re socially distancing from anyone we don’t live with. She’s not treating them like they have the plague. She’s treating them as advised by governments and scientists by socially distancing from them during a global pandemic. Yes OP, your baby should be exposed to catching COVID just to bank the babysitters from now ...Hmm
Dillydallyingthrough · 21/10/2020 17:28

I think the comments here are harsh, OP I think you are being sensible and not precious at all. It's up to you to take which risks you think are appropriate.

The gifts thing is not small, that is so rude! How did you react? How did your DP react? Sounds like your MIL needs to be told who are the parents. Hopefully you will be in your own home soon. Congratulations on becoming a parent Flowers

Rotundandhappy · 21/10/2020 17:37

Ignore @lowlandLucky and rest of the nasty rabble of arseholes. They’re just having a pop for the sake of it. 😆 Embarrassing.

Your MIL sounds awful. I’d be curious to hear how above and co would defend her exchanging the presents...

Itstartedinbarcelona · 21/10/2020 17:56

Your baby is a new member of your DHs family. Holding a baby and talking to them is a big part of how you bond and get to know him. DH’s sister in law had the same view and none of us were allowed near her. She still has very rigid rules for her Dd (now 7!) and either she or her DH must be with her at all times, e.g mil could not take her alone for a walk in the garden. Consequently none of us have a close relationship with her, yet she moans constantly that mil and fil are not interested in her.

feministfemme · 21/10/2020 17:59

@Itstartedinbarcelona To be fair, that's quite a different situation than (hopefully) temporary measures in relation to a pandemic.