Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL is annoyed that I don't let her family pick up my newborn

139 replies

Kazzx · 21/10/2020 11:40

Just a rant :( I had a baby who's now 3 months and my MIL is annoyed that I am not allowing her sisters to pick up my baby due to covid. The same rules applied to my own family, they've not held my baby and she knows that but is still annoyed. We are in the process of rennovating our own house so we are currently living with her :@ DH agrees with me.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/10/2020 13:43

Fuck!

If a first time mum isn't allowed to be precious about her 12 week old child what the hell criteria are some of you working to?

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2020 13:45

@OrangeLeavesYellowLeaves

Everyone living in the house can pick up the baby but it's the visitors ( mil's sisters) op is saying no too.

Sounds about right to me.

Read the thread, there is no visitors. It’s only if they go visiting the sisters, which the op isn’t going to do, so it is a ridiculous argument
HappyDays10101 · 21/10/2020 13:49

I want to do all I can to protect him unreasonable or not

Would you drive anywhere with your baby in a car?

feministfemme · 21/10/2020 13:54

@HappyDays10101 Driving is often a necessity for most people, e.g. to get to work. No one will get fired or die if they don't get to hold a baby until it's safer.

Missybishop · 21/10/2020 13:55

Omg people on here are out of order ..i am the same have a 3 month old baby who i only let grandparents hold .advice is socially distance for house visits so i cant see why that rule doesn't apply to a newborn baby with very little immunity. Its the last person you would want catching covid regardless of the low risk to health . Its not about the mother in law going here and there and if u allow her to hold your baby then cant see why not the sisters. The whole point is to limit contacts .. therefor limiting the chance of contracting the virus. ...stick to your decision and dont let constant nagging let you change your mind. Your baby your rules . Cant see why anyone would argue with you for wanting to keep baby safe and be precious about him her xxx

AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings · 21/10/2020 13:57

@BaronessBomburst

I'm another one who can't work out why picking up a newborn is a Covid risk when you're already living in the same house? You're all breathing the same air.
The MIL's sisters don't live in that house
aToadOnTheWhole · 21/10/2020 13:59

That’s not lax, I don’t know anyone pre Covid wh did that.

Really?! Well I'm quite pleased that I wasn't as negligent as I thought I was! My Grandma taught us to always wash out hands before cuddling new babies and I've just always done it since Grin

Qwertywerty3 · 21/10/2020 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings · 21/10/2020 14:01

@coronafiona

If you are in the same house there is no increased risk. Poor grandparents, I think you are being OTT.
The grandparents are allowed to hold the baby. They all live in the same house.

It's the MIL's sisters - so, the baby's great aunts, that are not allowed to hold the baby because they live in different households and this is against the rules in the UK for now

PumpkinetChocolat · 21/10/2020 14:05

YANBU

your baby, your rules

Who cares if a random on MN calls you "precious". It's an anonymous forum. It's bound to attract people who have consistently broken and ignored all guidelines and rules anyway and pretend the pandemic is made-up.

MIL should respect your wishes, that's the end of it. At least your DH agrees!

justasking111 · 21/10/2020 14:16

Roll on next month OP

mamaof2girls · 21/10/2020 14:25

Got a 5 month old had her in May so in the middle off lockdown really no one held her till she was 9/10
Weeks old. Even then I make them wash there hands use hand sanitizer and also spray there clothes with a spray that fabulosa do and not aloud to kiss her or anything! But my brothers ain't even held her or some off my oh close family like great grandparents haven't held her. So only do what makes you feel comfortable some people did make comments about what we were making them do but they just got told if they don't like don't hold her simple! We are her parents so it's our rules! X

Rotundandhappy · 21/10/2020 14:30

@Kazzx you say your MIL is being territorial about your baby. What else is she doing?

stormy11 · 21/10/2020 14:33

@Kazzx congratulations on your baby.

Please don't feel bad at all. I have an 8 month old and I dont let anyone hold her - hugging people outside of your household isn't allowed so you are doing the right thing.

My friend recently came round and I made sure we social distanced. A few days later she tested positive for covid. We are self isolating now but we haven't developed symptoms so social distancing must have helped with that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/10/2020 14:39

@Kazzx

We are not living in the same house as my Mil sisters, she wants us to go to visit the sister and let her pick baby up
Your MIL is being unreasonable here, and frankly a little bit ridiculous. Yes, you are staying in her house. No, that does not make her the boss of you, nor you her obedient servant. I'm glad to hear that your husband agrees with you, you can present a united front to her.

Does she make these ridiculous suggestions to you & DH when you're both there, or does she get you alone to press you. If together, let DH respond. If alone, tell her 'I think you'd be better chatting to DH about that.' With a three-month-old (congratulations!) you do not need the stress of her nipping your ears about something you are always going to say 'no' to, and maybe that's something else your husband can raise with his mother - 'Stop asking for something when you know the answer will be 'no', Mum, and stop trying to bully my wife over this'.

Kazzx · 21/10/2020 14:42

@Rotundandhappy silly things like some of her our family members dropped some gifts off for the baby and left gift receipt. She went and exchanged them for things she felt were more appropriate for the baby without telling me and DH.

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 21/10/2020 14:43

Be glad, op, that your new house will soon be ready and you will move, thus obviating the problem. For now, carry on being careful.

Even if your mother in law is a bit miffed by the rule, surely at least one of her sisters knows you are right? You have your husband on your side too. Hopefully the discussion around this will die down with no hard feelings.

I don't get why the sisters are so desperate to hold him anyway, it's not as if nobody has ever held a baby before.

Enough4me · 21/10/2020 14:47

OP your DH needs to sit his mum down and politely tell her he is not a boy: he is a man, husband and a father.

He needs to be very clear: no your baby is not a toy, no she cannot swap your baby's gifts, no she cannot over-rule him or his wife.

As his wife you can ask him to do this, but you cannot take on his role as he is her adult son. She needs to see this or you will continue to have problems.

londongirl12 · 21/10/2020 14:48

Playing devils advocate- just say Covid wasn't around (we wish!!), would you still let other people hold baby, even with the risk of flu?

Newmumatlast · 21/10/2020 14:49

@Conkergame

It does seem a bit over the top OP. Risks to children are extremely low so could you not just ask them to where a mask and sanitise before holding her?

Yes your baby, your rules, but if you make illogical rules you can’t expect everyone to be happy with them, especially if you’re living in their house!

Not exactly illogical though is it given social distancing guidance.
Newmumatlast · 21/10/2020 14:50

[quote Kazzx]@Rotundandhappy silly things like some of her our family members dropped some gifts off for the baby and left gift receipt. She went and exchanged them for things she felt were more appropriate for the baby without telling me and DH.[/quote]
To me this would not be a silly thing. Massively overstepping

mangoandraspberries · 21/10/2020 14:54

I can see both sides here tbh. In a way I agree with the posters that say your baby your rules. I also have a 3 month old, and very few people have held him yet (tbf they haven’t asked).

But, you are living with her...so I would be trying hard to keep her happy given she is doing you a massive favour. I think I would still refuse, but I would be very polite about it and explain carefully why and hope she understands.

Rotundandhappy · 21/10/2020 14:55

@Kazzx not a silly thing at all. She’s being extremely dominant. Stick to your guns. This is your baby, not hers. She needs to back off. Sounds like you have a supportive partner, which is good.

billy1966 · 21/10/2020 15:07

[quote Kazzx]@Rotundandhappy silly things like some of her our family members dropped some gifts off for the baby and left gift receipt. She went and exchanged them for things she felt were more appropriate for the baby without telling me and DH.[/quote]
First off OP,
You are not being the least bit precious.

Secondly, I would think it very normal hygiene to wash hands before holding a newborn. Really basic hygiene.

Your MIL sounds really ghastly.

Returning gifts that were not given to her.🙄....unbelievable.

Specifically tell the people who gave the gifts "thank you for whatever you gifted us, unfortunately MIL has returned it for something else, so we don't know what you chose. Thank you anyway"......that's how you deal with awful people like that.

Shine a light on her behaviour.
Why would she have a problem with you telling them.

Unbelievably rude.

OP, please stay strong, this is only going to get much worse.
She has neither regard, nor respect for you.

Flowers
Newmumatlast · 21/10/2020 15:08

I have just RTFT and am amazed at some of the comments you've been getting from people regarding being overly precious and people not normally washing hands before touching babies etc.

Pre jabs, you really should limit babies having contact with people especially if they have not washed their hands. No kisses due to risk. That is the case anyway irrespective of covid. Young babies can become seriously ill due to things like coldsores which otherwise you may not think about.

I should say, even without a baby in the equation, regular washing of hands/using gel is just basic hygiene. Perhaps this is part of the reason we got ourselves into a mess with covid, if people's hygiene levels are so low.

It is also not good for babies to be passed around like a gift. How does that benefit the baby? It really doesn't. You shouldn't feel pressured to let people hold your baby just because they want to. Is it in the child's interests?

When my baby was little we only saw immediate family for the first couple of weeks then had a few visits from friends but spaced out and with a hold/cuddle but not in a being passed around manner - there wouldn't be many people in a visit and they would sit with her for a while. This was better for her. They always washed or gelled hands first at my request. No kisses or touching face.

This is (or should be) normal.

Above all else, as a parent you're going to need to speak up for their best interests in the face of pressure and adversity. They're going to also face that themselves when older and should be confident to say no to enforced cuddles and kisses if they want to. MIL will have to just deal with that as will anyone else. Noone has an innate right to physical contact.