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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DF I'll put DM in care if he goes first?

63 replies

Couldcry47 · 20/10/2020 23:28

DPs still live in the house I grew up in. DM has mobility issues so garage was converted to a bedroom and ensuite wet room for her. It was done by cowboys, damp and inhabitable in my opinion. The whole house needs thousands spent on it to be up to modern standards.
I have a sister who I have no contact with, neither do my parents. I've cared for DM for 10 years, through daily cancer treatment while looking after 4 DC under 5 while DF worked and buried his head in the sand. My sister never bothers, no calls, cards, presents. DF retired 3 years ago, they have my DC regularly, adore them.
DM told me last week that, because myself and DSis don't speak, they've changed their will. The house will be sold on my DPs deaths and the money shared between their 6 grandchildren.
My AIBU is: I live in a council house my DM could not move into. We have no downstairs toilet, only a bath, and myself and DP sleep in the dining room.
Originally, my DPs were going to leave the house to myself and DSis. I would move in and care for DM, with my DC and I was going to buy her out, all good. Now, there's no way I could give up my house to care for DM and leave my family homeless. AIBU?

OP posts:

Faynite · 20/10/2020 23:35

I think it’s fair to make sure they truly understand the implications of their will. If you would be willing to care for your DM if you had the resources, but the will prevents you doing that, they should be aware.

A difficult conversation to have but it sounds like it is coming from a place of love, so you should be frank with them.

LunaMuffinTop · 20/10/2020 23:40

YANBU I was going to say the exact thing as @Faynite has.

MeepleMe · 20/10/2020 23:42

I don't understand why you would need to give up your house and leave your family homeless? Surely you can carry on caring for DM if DF goes first because she'll still own the house. It won't be until they're both deceased that the house is sold.

LunaMuffinTop · 20/10/2020 23:42

Same

pandafunfactory · 20/10/2020 23:43

Fair enough

Original poster

Couldcry47 · 20/10/2020 23:45

To be clear, I adore my parents and do everything for them (particularly in these times) I completely intended to care for them both til they pass away. It's just not possible in my own (council) house and, if we all squashed into my parents house, it'd be horrendous and we'd end up homeless as soon as DM passed away

OP posts:

BlankProfile · 20/10/2020 23:46

I don't think you have much choice.

Longdistance · 20/10/2020 23:46

Yanbu. Having to see my df deteriorate and now dm is infirm, my dB still lives at home and I round not rely on my dc to look after me. My dB doesn’t have much of a life. I help where I can. Your dm can go into a home.

SheilaWilcox · 20/10/2020 23:55

I think it's really important to have conversations like this with older relatives while they still have the mental capacity to let you know their wishes. Many people leave it too late and then beat themselves up over it.

AcornAutumn · 20/10/2020 23:59

The risk you run is that they’ll say they’ll change the will back to what it was, but they may not tell the truth about it.

So I’d just frame it as “I cannot care for DM” and leave it at that.

MummytoCSJH · 21/10/2020 00:04

@MeepleMe I'm assuming DM needs 24/7 care and wouldn't be able to live in the house on her own so OP would have to move in if she was going to care for her. I echo posters above saying make sure they're fully aware of the consequences of this (not in a negative way, just matter of fact).

Sparticuscaticus · 21/10/2020 00:36

Your D Parents would expect you to give up a housing association rented house to move in to provide 24 hour care for them or one of them ...

... Without considering that when they both pass, you won't be left with any roof over your or DCs head - no Housing association current house nor even their property to live in because they want that house then sold to split between 6 grandchildren.

Or they expect to move in with you in small HA property for you to provide 24 hour care to them whilst having a more suitable property they want to leave in a will to grandchildren

Sounds to me that they'll have -nothing - left - to leave to any grandchildren as their house would be sold to fund either of their care home fees if they need 24 hour care (& no spouse is living there still) and their spouse has died .

You can adore your parents as much as you want, but they must realise that only an idiot would make themselves and their DC knowingly homeless in a few years time & all that entails (joining the back of a housing waiting list that may never get to top of)

Meh, you're not being unreasonable to Thank them for their kind offer but you'd prefer to stay securely housed and not arrange to be made homeless , so that you can enjoy your own retirement and have your own eventual grandchildren over to stay as they grow up too.

Didkdt · 21/10/2020 00:39

I think full and frank is fine
You have essentially saved them 10s of £1000s in care fees by caring for your mum and your sister’s children will reap the financial benefit of that to the same degree as your children whom I am sure have sacrificed a lot of childhood moments for you to care for your mum when she’s needed it.
That may sound harsh but it’s the reality of your situation and your parents need to know that is the choice they have made.

FortunesFave · 21/10/2020 00:41

I don't think YABU. I think you need to explain things to your parents.

FortunesFave · 21/10/2020 00:42

I expect it's because the Father does a lot of day to day looking after the Mum....she probably wouldn't cope living alone.

DeRigueurMortis · 21/10/2020 01:05

Yes I think you need to speak to them.

I'm not sure they've considered all the ramifications of this change in their will.

I understand they want to be fair to their grandchildren but they also need to be fair to their child (you OP) whose doing all the legwork in supporting them.

Presumably if you have the means to buy your sister out under the original will then that presents some alternative solutions.

Can they not leave the house to you with a stipulation that you "buy out" your sisters children?

Tbh I think you need to speak to them to understand their intentions and suggest they see a lawyer to fully understand the options.

Seeingadistance · 21/10/2020 01:12

Sorry, but I don’t understand what difference this makes to your plans to move in to care for your DM should your DF die first. The house won’t be sold, and the proceeds passed to the grandchildren until both your parents have died.

Inkpaperstars · 21/10/2020 01:32

Unless you could buy your DP's house right away on moving in, the plan is dangerous anyway if your DM ends up requiring care that you can't provide and the house has to go towards funding it. I may be missing something there, but inheritance isn't secure. I agree YANBU, it doesn't seem you would have any choice, unless possibly you left your own home empty while temporarily living with DM, but not sure if you would be allowed to do that or how affordable it would be.

I think you just need to have an honest and direct discussion and hopefully can come up with another plan.

Mulhollandmagoo · 21/10/2020 01:56

I think you need to have a think about what you're prepared/able to do for your parents going forward. Should they need 24hr care then you're unable to provide it in the current scenario, as you quite rightly said you cannot give up your home and make your children homeless. Then you will need to have an honest chat with your parents as it sounds a bit like they haven't fully thought this through or considered the longer term impacts on you and your children, they can't possibly have done as surely they cannot reasonably expect you to do this?

Is there a chance this is a haphazard way of getting you and your sister back in contact with each other?

DeRigueurMortis · 21/10/2020 02:02

@Seeingadistance

Because the OP's father does a lot of the care as he is "on site".

If he's not available then the OP would need to be in the same house as her mother.

HermioneMakepeace · 21/10/2020 02:36

If you would look after DM on your DF's passing, then they need to gift you the house. You are right in that if you moved in with them, you would lose your council house.

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2020 02:37

I think it is totally wrong and very ungrateful of your parents to cut you out of the will and jump to the grandchildren.

They may feel bad for cutting their other daughter out of the will but that doesn't mean it is right to cut you out.

If you are spending a lot of time caring for them when you could be earning money and putting that aside for your own old age, you need to tell them. You cannot know your own kids will care for you as you have for your parents/dm.

Please be honest with them about how you feel and the practicalities of their will. They are being very foolish, IMHO.

Personally I would be very cautious and ensure anything that happens which will affect me and my children was in writing that I had view of, all legal etc. I know you adore them and they are incredibly lucky to have you. They really do need to know this. Be aware that even if they left the whole house to you, you would presumably need to sell it and move on unless you had the money to do the place up to the standard you need it at.

It's their money and they can leave it to whom ever they choose, but is also your life and all the time you are spending caring for your dm is time you are not spending with the kids or, presumably, making any money so please do think of yourself in all this.

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2020 02:38

I'd also look into avoiding death duties or whatever it is called.

Goosefoot · 21/10/2020 02:43

I think you need to sit down with them and talk about what they would like to see happen in different scenarios, and for you to discuss what you could or could not do under these various circumstances. They may be imagining something quite different than what you are thinking.

Will you will be able to simply decide to put your mother in a home and sell the house if your father dies first without her agreement?

laudete · 21/10/2020 02:51

You're not being unreasonable; your children need a secure home. I imagine your parent's house will need to be sold to fund future care home costs. The 6 grandchildren may not receive anything significant but they'll all be mentioned in the will, which may represent some emotional comfort to the kids and your parents. If you think your parents may not realise the wider implication, yes, I think it's worth checking they understand it. But, I definitely would not base your decisions on whether or not they'll ever leave you their house in their will. You can reassure them that you'll still be around, even if you aren't providing daily care duties. Under normal, non-pandemic circumstances, you could visit a care home on a regular basis, etc.

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