To tell DF I'll put DM in care if he goes first?

[Couldcry47]

DPs still live in the house I grew up in. DM has mobility issues so garage was converted to a bedroom and ensuite wet room for her. It was done by cowboys, damp and inhabitable in my opinion. The whole house needs thousands spent on it to be up to modern standards.
I have a sister who I have no contact with, neither do my parents. I've cared for DM for 10 years, through daily cancer treatment while looking after 4 DC under 5 while DF worked and buried his head in the sand. My sister never bothers, no calls, cards, presents. DF retired 3 years ago, they have my DC regularly, adore them.
DM told me last week that, because myself and DSis don't speak, they've changed their will. The house will be sold on my DPs deaths and the money shared between their 6 grandchildren.
My AIBU is: I live in a council house my DM could not move into. We have no downstairs toilet, only a bath, and myself and DP sleep in the dining room.
Originally, my DPs were going to leave the house to myself and DSis. I would move in and care for DM, with my DC and I was going to buy her out, all good. Now, there's no way I could give up my house to care for DM and leave my family homeless. AIBU?

@VinylDetective

Some old people are so thoughtless and selfish

So are plenty of young ones.

Yes but we're talking about some old people here. Not children or young people.

Yanbu and indeed should speak to them about what your plans had been and how you see things going forward if they do as they have suggested.
They could alter their wills so that when one passes on,fifty per cent is divided between two dc and fifty per cent is the surviving parent's.so if the caring became too much,or something changed,the government could not take the whole house in payments,only half of it.

Completely agree with so many that, having made this decision, the responsibility is now on them to make things work

They are of course entitled to do whatever they want about their arrangements, but so are you - and that's something I'd make very clear, no matter what emotional pressure's used or how often they try to avoid the subject

You can't "put your DM in care" if she has capacity. It's her decision not yours.

Yes but we're talking about some old people here. Not children or young people. So why did you need to say "some old people" not just "some people"? She has mobility issues - you didn't feel the need to say "some people with mobility issues can be so selfish".

Inheritance aside, YANBU , you could end up spending your whole adult life caring for them, that's not reasonable. Especially ckbsjderibv yihf sister does nothing.

But honestly, I'd think it pretty shitty the will being split equally between you and your sister when you've helped them so much and she hasn't, I'd be hurt that they dont appreciate that. But now they've essentially cut you out because of her, yeah I'd find it hard to carry on doing everything for them for no appreciation.

You need to have the conversation with them. But explain clearly why you couldn't leave your current home - i.e. that your family would become homeless on the death of the second parent.

It is completely up to them who they leave things to, but they need to understand the consequences. My guess would be that they haven't thought through how this would affect you and have essentially thought that there's no difference in the way these two plans would work out. You have explained here why the grandchildren plan is not compatible with caring for DM at home. Speak to them and say that very clearly. Then they can choose what they want to do in full knowledge of the consequences.

By the way, since you are going to eventually have to sell the house either way, try to see what you can do to split the cost of bringing it up to a saleable condition so that you're not shelling out for that on your own and then having to split the proceeds of the sale. Difficult if there's no agreement between you and sister, but it's definitely worth investigating what can be done. Huge resentment was caused in our extended family when the grandparents' house came to be sold with one sibling having been resident in it for years and paid for renovations. Bitter disputes about having lived in it at below market rent vs having paid thousands on upkeep and repairs. The legal side is clear but it still tore the family apart with what was fair.

@Taikoo

Some old people are so thoughtless and selfish. Tell them what you think.

Then its on them.
I would pull back from a lot of care of them thereafter if they go ahead with their selfish plans.
They can look after themselves if they're going to be so inconsiderate.
A few months/years of hardship might put some manners on them.

The insult to older people aside, I can't see they're being selfish. Thoughtless, yes a thousand times. But I don't see that they have done this out of spitefulness, just tried to do the right thing by both DDs and not thought through the practical implications.

Agree that by moving in with them then expecting to inherit the house, you would leave yourself vulnerable. If your parents need to go into a home, have a funeral or even sometimes things like wetrooms you may find that they do not have much left to pass on.

If something happened and you couldnt care for them (eg. They need specialist equipment, their need is too great for your or the constraints of the house) that will come out of the house money and could leave you homeless

Why are you planning on having this conversation with your dad and not your mum, the person you 'want to put in a home'. What if she doesn't want to go into a home? You're under no obligation to care for her in any way but you can't force someone to move out of their own house.

You can't "put your DM in care" if she has capacity. It's her decision not yours.

Even if she doesn't have capacity it's got to be what is in her best interest and the least restrictive option (so if she wants to stay home and a care package and telecare is appropriate to support her for example).

Just because someone has dementia (or other reason they may lack capacity) does not mean people can do as they wish. They are still people.

Maybe I’m being really dense - but I don’t get the difference. What’s the plan if you inherit? Assuming your mum is still alive the issue is exactly the same no?

Sorry missed the second part - that you planned to buy your sister out. However I think you probably need proper advice. As does your sister.

Have you considered what will happen if your mum needs specialist care? That gets paid for out of the house. Have you taken inheritance tax into account - how are you going to pay for this?

It's possible your DF is assuming he will outlive your DM - especially as she's been so ill.

Your talk with him might need to go through the two different scenarios. If he is the remaining parent then his current plan will be fine.

But he needs a plan in place if DM is the surviving parent - you can't risk losing your secure living arrangements to move in and look after her, if there is going to be no home for you after she passes.