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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DF I'll put DM in care if he goes first?

63 replies

Couldcry47 · 20/10/2020 23:28

DPs still live in the house I grew up in. DM has mobility issues so garage was converted to a bedroom and ensuite wet room for her. It was done by cowboys, damp and inhabitable in my opinion. The whole house needs thousands spent on it to be up to modern standards.
I have a sister who I have no contact with, neither do my parents. I've cared for DM for 10 years, through daily cancer treatment while looking after 4 DC under 5 while DF worked and buried his head in the sand. My sister never bothers, no calls, cards, presents. DF retired 3 years ago, they have my DC regularly, adore them.
DM told me last week that, because myself and DSis don't speak, they've changed their will. The house will be sold on my DPs deaths and the money shared between their 6 grandchildren.
My AIBU is: I live in a council house my DM could not move into. We have no downstairs toilet, only a bath, and myself and DP sleep in the dining room.
Originally, my DPs were going to leave the house to myself and DSis. I would move in and care for DM, with my DC and I was going to buy her out, all good. Now, there's no way I could give up my house to care for DM and leave my family homeless. AIBU?

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2020 03:00

OP I really think you want to talk future plans before your dad dies. I know it is so hard. Assuming he goes first (and men usually do - unless he is a lot younger than your mum), then you definitely need to discuss with your mum the plans for her care.

My mum went into a home as she had dementia. She sold her home and left my sister and I a tiny amount, fine, it was her money. My sister and I could not have cared for her at home. I think it is right to discuss these things while everyone had capacity and can make plans etc.

echt · 21/10/2020 03:15

I wonder also if your parents have considered who would be the executor of the will? Who would be the next of kin for the last parent living? Also, the sale of the house would involve capital gains tax because the GCs are not a spouse. Depending on their age, trusts might need to set up to guard the money of the GCs until 18.

Agree with posters who say you need to sit down with your parents and spell it out. Also, the sister, adult or not, can contest the will for passing her over.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/10/2020 03:15

@HermioneMakepeace

If you would look after DM on your DF's passing, then they need to gift you the house. You are right in that if you moved in with them, you would lose your council house.

This. I don’t know how you can look at your parents in the same light again. Maybe it’s time for you to get a job and start putting your children first. Your may adore your parents. It seems the feelings aren’t reciprocated.

Oncemorewithfeelin · 21/10/2020 03:19

You can’t rely on any inheritance. Even if they promise you the house, if either parent needs care that you can’t provide( dementia is something that can require round the clock care and a lot of people don’t realise the reality of this sort of care) then the property would probably have to sold to fund the care.

Ilady · 21/10/2020 03:39

I agree with what one of the other posters said here - you have saved your parents thousands in care costs with all the help you given to your mother. Meanwhile your sister had no contact with your parents. Now your parents have decided because of this to leave their house to the grandkids.
You need to tell your parents that you won't be in a position to move into their house on the death of one of them to mind the other. Tell them if you and your family move into their house you will lose your council house and that you don't have space in your ha house for one of them to move in.

Do your parents have any savings or do they just have the house? Your inheritance is not secure if your parents need paid for care.

I don't know if your currently working even part time to build up your NI stamps towards your pension. If you not working due to minding your parents I would be looking for work in the new year.

dolphinpose · 21/10/2020 04:05

YANBU. In fact, you wouldn't be unreasonable to start backing off a bit and focusing on earning more money for your own security in the future if they are not passing their wealth on to you, while you care, unpaid for them for a substantial amount of time each week.

At that age parents can become quite blinkered about the practical side of life. They can expect massive levels of care from adult children without understanding what a huge cost it is. Be very direct: if they skip a generation and leave the house to DC, then it will be impossible for you to care for her. You can't have her live with you - there's no room. And you can't move in with her and lose you own home because that's too risky. The only way you can safely (for everyone, not just DM) continue to care for her is if you move in, knowing that the home you move into is yours in the long term.

I hate the way elderly parents put their adult children into such emotionally and financially difficult positions without thinking it through. Sorry you have this stress.

myshoelaces · 21/10/2020 04:06

I think it's crazy and really ungrateful of them not to have left anything to you. Presumably you would be passing on your wealth to your kids anyway, as would others. Now they're skipping a generation and making life harder for you, the one caring for them.

Mintjulia · 21/10/2020 04:44

Given your mother's health, if your df goes first, it is likely the house will have to be sold to pay for her care, either at home or in residential care.

A more practical solution would be for her to sell the house, buy a small retirement property with warden on site and use the remainder of the cash to ensure she is safe.
That frees you up to enjoy your life and spend time with her without strain. And gets her out of a damp unsuitable house.

It removes all the divisive arguments about money as well.

user1471538283 · 21/10/2020 08:20

This was kind of the plan for me. Give up our secure rented home, pay rent and move in full time to provide care. Absolutely no consideration for us or what would happen. Oh and to also pay rent so I couldnt save and then get a proportion of the value of the house. It's a big no!

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 21/10/2020 08:30

Don’t forget to ask the local council for as much help as they can give. They’ll do up to 4 visits a day for care, and they can help with mobility stuff as well - fit handrails, ramps etc or get a physio/occupational therapist out to advise. They might also help with socialising if your mum is able to leave the house. Your dad or you might be eligible for Carer’s Allowance, if you aren’t already claiming it.

You probably know all this but I’m just checking in case it helps!

saraclara · 21/10/2020 08:31

Don't give up your house to move in with her even if they don't change the will. Because if at some point you're unable to care for her due to increased needs, the house will need to be sold to fund that care and you'll be homeless.

mummmy2017 · 21/10/2020 09:49

To be honest this benefits your 4 children more than your Sisters 2 children.
If house was worth £180,000
Yours get £30,000 each.
I do think it's unfair when people who could benefit from inheritance see it going to their children and so carry on struggling into old age.

VinylDetective · 21/10/2020 09:55

Also, the sale of the house would involve capital gains tax because the GCs are not a spouse

It wouldn’t. Inheritance is liable for inheritance tax, not capital gains tax.

LannieDuck · 21/10/2020 09:56

Echoing those who have said that you need to talk this through with them.

They may not have considered the practicalities of care - they're assuming that when they've both gone, the house could be turned into an inheritance for the grandkids, not realising the issues of your housing situation whilst caring for DM (I certainly couldn't see the problem until I read through the comments).

echt · 21/10/2020 09:57

Quite, my error.

DoraTheImplorer · 21/10/2020 10:11

YANBU

Simply tell them the facts. With no provision for you in the will, you won't be able to move out of your house to care for either of them, so when one of them needs care, it's likely to be a care home funded by their savings/house, potentially with little left to inherit.

Simply because you and your DS don't get on, your DPs have cut you out of the will. They can't sugar-coat it by saying it's OK because they're passing it on to your DCs instead, and expect you to suck it up. The fact is they've cut you out, despite all you've done and probably all they're expecting you to do.

DoraTheImplorer · 21/10/2020 10:21

Tell your DF what you thought the original plan was:

"Originally, my DPs were going to leave the house to myself and DSis. I would move in and care for DM, with my DC and I was going to buy her out, all good".

Tell him you're concerned about your DM's care after his death, and ask him to explain how their new plan will provide care for his DW. Explain how you won't be able to care as per the previous plan.

Youandmeareluckytobeus · 21/10/2020 10:27

To tell your DF that you will put DM in a home if he goes first is spiteful and will put stress and pressure on him.

Have you considered that, even if DF died first, DM may not wish and could refuse to go into a care home. Your DM may prefer carers to come in instead. You can't insist she goes into a care home. It isn't your decision to make.

If your DF dies and your DM went into a care home, you wouldn't just be able to sell her home and distribute the money to the 6 grandchildren. They would not inherit it until she died. Care home fees would come first.

I would discuss their will with them and explain your predicament and listen to their views. It may be something they would consider changing if they intended for you to live there and look after one or the other of them. Be prepared for them to not want that though.

Incidentally, have you thought of contacting the council regarding the bathroom? My FIL's ndn had their bathroom knocked down and rebuilt by the council free of charge because of her needs and they own their own home.

Stripyhoglets1 · 21/10/2020 10:32

I think you need to be honest that if you aren't left half the house then you cannot move in with your DM if necessary as you can't give up your secure rented property.
Then leave them to decide what they want to do with it.

Brefugee · 21/10/2020 10:34

To tell your DF that you will put DM in a home if he goes first is spiteful and will put stress and pressure on him.

Not really. Leaving everything to the GC is spiteful (that is such a mumsnet word).

OP - tell your parents that they can do what they like. But tell them the consequences, unemotionally, if they leave it like it is.

If that is what they want, well and good.
Otherwise ask them what it is they want, and then they need to go to a solicitor to make that happen.

Saz12 · 21/10/2020 10:49

I do appreciate that you can’t imagine a time when you can’t care for your mother, if finances work. But there could be (dementia, your health, no respite from it).

You can’t rely on being able to inherit enough to have a roof over your head if you & your family move in with DM then she dies.

You need a frank conversation with your parents!

Rosebel · 21/10/2020 11:12

Does your mum need 24 hour care? If not why do you need to live with her? If yes then what did she do before your dad retired?
I have no idea if it's still the case but when my gran was in a care home there was a rule/law (not sure which) that the person in the care home had to keep £1600 in their account. So when patients got close to that number the relatives had to pay. Don't know what happened if they couldn't pay or even if that rule still applies. It's just something you might need to think about.
Tbh if you can't care for your mum then what else can you do? I think you need to talk to your parents.
Be aware though that people live longer than they used to. Not sure how old your parents are but they could live in to their 80s or 90s and presumably things might be very different by then. As in you might be worrying prematurely.

Taikoo · 21/10/2020 11:19

Some old people are so thoughtless and selfish.
Tell them what you think.

Then its on them.
I would pull back from a lot of care of them thereafter if they go ahead with their selfish plans.
They can look after themselves if they're going to be so inconsiderate.
A few months/years of hardship might put some manners on them.

VinylDetective · 21/10/2020 11:27

Some old people are so thoughtless and selfish

So are plenty of young ones.

mercutio12 · 21/10/2020 11:31

That is very spiteful of them, actually. To punish you for not speaking to your sister, when you've been caring for your DM for 10 years.

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