Fairweather friends :(

[sizzlewizzle]

Since telling my bestfriend I was pregnant and now being unable to mix with her as she's always out mixing with other households etc and I'm shielding as best as I can due to Covid and wanting to keep baby safe :)
She's not replied to any messages , texted or called and just stopped bothering with me, am I being unreasonable... did anyone else have this problem with friends who don't have children ?
Thanks in advance x

Some people will drift away as they feel your lives are too different now, or she's too young and selfish to understand sadly. Your good friends will stay and you'll meet new mum friends.

Ah hang on - in lots of areas and communities having babies is exactly what most young women are doing, so there is no reason to assume she's about to be socially isolated

In the Uk? Where are most seventeen or eighteen year olds having babies in the Uk?

Where are most seventeen or eighteen year olds having babies in the Uk?

Stamford Hill most local to me (orthodox Jewish). Also some local Asian and even East London communities. And it wouldn't be unusual in lots of other groups around East London, based on my experience of living here and working in NHS Women's services.

East European not East London

A Stamford Hill Orthodox teenager wouldn’t be posting on Mn, and is highly unlikely to have a female best friend starting university.

And I would say, based on my own experience of accessing maternity services in London, that the sole common denominator in groups of any ethnicity where it’s the norm to have babies at 17 or 18, is poverty.

the sole common denominator in groups of any ethnicity where it’s the norm to have babies at 17 or 18, is poverty.

Ok that is largely true, although I was loath to say it. What I will stand by is that the girls I know who had babies young never lacked friendship because of it, and I do not think this will happen to the OP either.

@sizzlewizzle You've told her you're not going to see her anytime soon. I mean, how long do you have to go? Another 8 months? 7? Then you'll have a newborn baby and you'll be even more risk-averse, so that's what, another 6 months at least? Maybe longer? And we don't know how long it will take to properly manage Covid. We don't have a vaccine yet. How long will it take you to feel comfortable about the risk she represents? She's not going to change her lifestyle for your baby.

So, in conclusion, you've told her you won't see her face to face for at least a year, maybe more. I don't disagree with you regarding managing your own Covid risk, I'm also quite aware of which of my friends are out and about and mixing with lots of people, and I'm relucant to see them too - but you have basically cut yourself out of her life. You're available for text messages and phone calls - that's not the same deal. Many people find responding to messages exhausting at the moment, and are tired of video calls. And when it comes to replying to things, time just gets away from you, given each day is blurring into one.

I don't think it's your pregnancy that has put distance between you, it's your differing approaches to Covid-19. Neither of you are necessarily in the wrong, and I get that you miss your friendship, but it is what it is. I would leave her alone for the moment (you don't say how many messages you've sent her, but you could possibly be stressing her out by continuing to send message after message) and leave her to respond on her own terms. Give her at least a month or so, before checking in with a short "I miss you - hope you're OK."

Oh, and congratulations - you're clearly very excited about becoming a mum, and I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly. :)

@TheYearOfSmallThings

the sole common denominator in groups of any ethnicity where it’s the norm to have babies at 17 or 18, is poverty.

Ok that is largely true, although I was loath to say it. What I will stand by is that the girls I know who had babies young never lacked friendship because of it, and I do not think this will happen to the OP either.

I think this is often true — I know that my midwife took one look at me, a late-30s professional FTM attending a surgery where I was about 20 years older than her average mother-to-be, and said ‘Join the NCT’, because her perception was that I wouldn’t have local peers and would be isolated in a way her other clients wouldn’t be — but the fact that the OP’s best friend is at university doesn’t suggest a uniform norm of teenage motherhood.

Ok that is largely true, although I was loath to say it. What I will stand by is that the girls I know who had babies young never lacked friendship because of it, and I do not think this will happen to the OP either

Why are you determinedly banging this drum? Are you of the impression she’s in a minority group or In poverty? Because I didn’t see anything to signal this. Having a baby young doesn’t mean she’s automatically living in poverty or its her cultural norm.

If she is not in these demographics she will have very few if any girls her age she knows who are mothers, and her peers will be off doing other things, right now we don’t even know if she has baby sitters, never mind her own home, or even money to socialise, babies are notoriously expensive. Nor do we even know if she’d want to go clubbing, festivals, gigs or any of the other non Covid time normal activities this age group normally does, when she’s a child to care for.

So yes, she needs to think about her social and support network. Pretending it’s all going to be fine, doesn’t magic folks out the air to be her friend.

the fact that the OP’s best friend is at university doesn’t suggest a uniform norm of teenage motherhood

Agree, there is nothing to suggest here this is her norm.

Pretending it’s all going to be fine, doesn’t magic folks out the air to be her friend.

Why are you banging this drum? OP asked about one friend, and has said nothing to suggest that she has no other friends. I felt (and feel) that it was all getting a bit negative, which I think is uncalled for.

I have no idea why you are getting fighty about this.

@SecretSpAD

*CounsellorTroi People who don't have children aren't a different species

It does feel like that sometimes!
ODFOD*

This, with bells on

Are you referring to my post or the response? I was just saying that as someone with no children I do feel like a different species sometimes. And it does go both ways. I have been dropped by friends when they had children.

I have no idea why you are getting fighty about this

I’m genuinely not getting fighty, the written word can be misconstrued, simply you picked on a comment and then claimed it was the norm in many communities and areas, which arguably it is, but it’s minority groups and groups living in poverty, so I pushed back.

The fact remains the vast majority of teenagers are not having babies, and it’s realistic to point out the op is taking a different route to what is likely to be that of her peers and other pregnant women she encounters are likely going to be older . If of course she’s in a demographic where it is the norm, then my comment is irrelevant. She will know what demographic she’s in, we do not.

You’re mate is probably just having lots of fun at Uni. Gone a bit wild. Maybe give her a bit of space to enjoy herself and let her call you when ready

@CounsellorTroi I have to be honest, I saw your comment and instinctively thought that you were yet another parent thinking that we were something different. You know the type, there's some in this thread! So I overreacted and now I know the context, I apologise profusely.

@SecretSpAD no worries!

@sizzlewizzle

I'm sorry ☹️ I'm a first time mum and new to mums net I'm yet to know lingo , it's just a cute little nickname me and my partner until we find out the gender ... didn't mean to offend ☹️

Do not be put off by @MaskingForIt

She's obviously being a bitch having a bad day

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.
Your friend is also going through a major life change that is no less important than yours in her mind, so I would bear with her for a while if I was you and not write off the friendship yet. She will be totally wrapped up in her new course/environment, new friends etc, as much as you are wrapped up in your pregnancy. Maybe lay off the messaging for a while and check in with her in a couple of weeks - it's exciting making new friends but there's nothing like the comfort of catching up with old friends, which she may miss after a while . As long as you show as much interest in her new life as you're expecting her to show in hers , the friendship may last the distance. And if not it's a shame but friendships do ebb and flow as you go through life, some friendships are situational and do end when your lives go in different directions, but I wouldn't give up just yet.

*in yours , sorry

For those saying the OP doesn't need to shield etc ... Government guidelines are that we shouldn't go in someone's car unless we have to as we need to keep a distance, yet her friend has asked for a lift in her car. Of course the OP shouldn't do this, regardless of being pregnant!

Maybe she's hurt that you don't want to see her.