Fairweather friends :(

[sizzlewizzle]

Since telling my bestfriend I was pregnant and now being unable to mix with her as she's always out mixing with other households etc and I'm shielding as best as I can due to Covid and wanting to keep baby safe :)
She's not replied to any messages , texted or called and just stopped bothering with me, am I being unreasonable... did anyone else have this problem with friends who don't have children ?
Thanks in advance x

@Emeeno1
Thankyou very much , it's a glimmer of light In Such uncertain times 😁x

I think the OP can refer to HER Baby however she wants!

It seems like you have told her you can't see her at the moment. And she's no doubt dealing with big changes in her life too. So, what exactly do you want from her?

@MaskingForIt

YABU for referring to it as “baby”.

Bloody hell, you're not the language police. She can call it whatever she wants. Why not write a reply to the actual issue or don't bother.

OP that's tough. Some friendships seem to be based on superficial stuff like similar lifestyles, going out drinking, same hobby or job etc. Those do tend to fade away when you have a baby. The friendships worth saving hang on, and you'll make new friends too. It still hurts though.

I’d start making other friends. You sound like you’re at very different places in life, there’s no reason why you can’t come back together in the future though.
This may sound harsh but she’s enjoying being young and you’ve chosen to have a baby, she’s probably not that interested in babies right now. Have you asked her how uni is? Do you come across as thinking you’re more mature and important because you’ve got pregnant? I know a few young mums who did this. Lots of people don’t see baby’s as miracles or think they are an achievement but for some people it’s their whole life goal. Maybe you just have different opinions on it

@MaskingForIt

YABU for referring to it as “baby”.

Hahah you sound ridiculous

@RedToothBrush is very wise. You tend to find that as you go through life stages like going off to uni, moving cities, new jobs, getting married, having babies you need to reevaluate and evolve your friendships too. Your true friends will stay with you for life but the nature of the friendships can change, e.g. my best friend and I at various stages of our adult lives and for different reasons we've gone weeks without speaking and months without seeing one another (for one time period when she was abroad it was more than a year between meetings) - not because of a big dramatic fallings out or one of us ignoring the other or not caring about the other or anything like that, just that we've had different things going on and been at different life stages. It doesn't mean we don't love and support one another, in an emergency we'd have dropped everything to be with the other one but sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend is acknowledge you aren't actually the most important thing in their life right now and you need to accept taking a back seat for a while.

And other friends I've had at different life stages have dropped away almost entirely, e.g. some school friends who I thought would be friends for life had very different experiences to me (staying at home and getting jobs/getting married when I went off to uni) and actually the friendship sort of fizzled out, we just had little in common any more. A bit sad but not anything anyone had done wrong per se, just what happens to nearly everyone as they grow up.

I'd just check in with your friend occasionally, friendly messages or contacts on social media but don't necessarily expect the same level of contact as when you were both presumably seeing each other more regularly and having things in common. Focus on the baby and maybe making some new friends at the same stage as you - e.g. NCT classes are a good way to meet other new Mums. This doesn't mean you have to abandon your old friends but you'll want someone to talk babies with and with the best will in the world your friend probably wants to hear stories about morning sickness and teething about as much as you care about hook ups and binge drinking and awkward seminar study partners right now!

@IMNOTSHOUTING what are non superficial friendships based on then if not a social life or hobbies? Having unprotected sex around the same time?

You’ll find you lose friends and find others. Some people can’t cope with the change.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP!
Sorry to hear that your friend has not been understanding. It's really important to do as advised by the midwife.
If your friend is at university I assume you're both young, so perhaps it's hard for her to understand that you have to make a few changes.
In my experience, all friendships change and evolve over time.
You sound very sweet and I'm certain you'll make new friends. Hopefully your friendship with this particular one will settle down when life becomes less stressful.

@MaskingForIt

YABU for referring to it as “baby”.

What a stupid comment.

@sizzlewizzle

Since telling my bestfriend I was pregnant and now being unable to mix with her as she's always out mixing with other households etc and I'm shielding as best as I can due to Covid and wanting to keep baby safe :) She's not replied to any messages , texted or called and just stopped bothering with me, am I being unreasonable... did anyone else have this problem with friends who don't have children ? Thanks in advance x

did anyone else have this problem with friends who don't have children ? hmm

If the above speaks of your attitude, then I’m not surprised, frankly.

[quote AbbyAbal]@IMNOTSHOUTING what are non superficial friendships based on then if not a social life or hobbies? Having unprotected sex around the same time?[/quote]
@AbbyAbal

I have loads of friendships where we don't have similar lifestyles or share any hobbies. We just enjoy each other's company. We have a similar sense of humour. We care about each other and want to catch up with how each other's lives are going.

If your friendship is just based on enjoying the same hobby or living a similar lifestyle (e.g. drinking and clubbing) then when one of your lives changes - you give up the hobby or no longer have time or interest in going out naturally there's nothing left of the friendship. If the friendship is a bit deeper then it's worth carrying it on - even if we go out for coffee or lunch instead of cocktails.

@IMNOTSHOUTING it’s very different when you have a baby young though. Friends seem to think you’ve ruined your life and will now be boring from that moment on. It’s not true, but you tend to get dropped regardless.

I’m assuming OP and her friend are young, taking about Uni and freshers (I’m guessing the friend isn’t a 40 year old mature student drinking with 18 year olds - although good for her if she is!)

I agree with those saying don't write off your friend. When I was starting uni at 18 I wanted to take on the world, meet now people, go everywhere and do everything, and I think that is completely normal. I would not realistically have been very interested in babies, zoom chats only, and the friendship might have become more intermittent due to very different life choices. I don't think that is unusual, or makes her a fair weather friend, which would imply that you were struggling or needed her support, which is not the case.

To some extent it does sound as if you are willingly choosing a very restricted lifestyle.

OP. Why do you add ‘x’ at the end of most of your posts?

[quote WankPuffins]@IMNOTSHOUTING it’s very different when you have a baby young though. Friends seem to think you’ve ruined your life and will now be boring from that moment on. It’s not true, but you tend to get dropped regardless.

I’m assuming OP and her friend are young, taking about Uni and freshers (I’m guessing the friend isn’t a 40 year old mature student drinking with 18 year olds - although good for her if she is!)[/quote]
lol that's definitely true. I agree she should cut her friend some slack. When you're young it's easy to get wrapped up in your current lifestyle but it doesn't mean you won't be a worthwhile friend down the line.

My friend called her foetus 'Bean' poor kids got to about 11 before we called him anything other than Beanie.

@MaskingForIt how sad to tell expecting parents that they aren't allowed to say the word 'baby'. What is wrong with you? Should I only refer to men and women as male and female since that's what we are biologically? My dog in now only to be referred to as my Canis lupus familiaris?

Op how old are you ?

@sizzlewizzle

I'm sorry ☹️ I'm a first time mum and new to mums net I'm yet to know lingo , it's just a cute little nickname me and my partner until we find out the gender ... didn't mean to offend ☹️

Don't be sorry. That poster is just being spiteful.

YANBU. This is your baby and you must do whatever you feel you need to to keep both of you safe.

Maybe she has trouble conceiving but complete ignoring is harsh. If it is because she is sad maybe she will contact you soon.

I think people should lay off the OP about how she refers to her baby.She wasn't asking advice on that particular topic, so not sure why people have piled on?
OP I think you are just a different stages, so try not to worry too much

Haha, you’d all love me, we’ve been referring to this baby as Steve during my pregnancy!! I’m sure I’d get torn to shreds for that! We will name him something else when he’s born, but for now he’s Steve! Works for us!!

It sounds like your friend doesn’t really understand your phase of life/ priorities etc and that you probably haven’t been able to see too much of hers either. That doesn’t necessarily mean the friendship has run its course, but you’re just both experiencing new things that don’t involve the other. That being said, could she be jealous of your stability, your baby, your relationship with your partner etc? It sounds a bit like she’s using you for lifts, particularly if you’re not even going on the nights out etc with her, so perhaps she’s a bit immature? I could be totally off the mark though, you’ll know her best!

Like everyone else has said, you will meet a whole load of new people in this next phase of your life so try not to feel too sad if you start to drift apart from old friends if you no longer have things in common. You sound like you’ll be a lovely mum- congratulations!

I'm sorry OP, you'll probably make new (better) friends after tge baby is born and tge pandemic is less. It will help once you get to go to babyclasses, especially if you make an effort to be a bit chatty to other mums. It takes time to make new friends but that would be a good way to start.

We call ours the equivalent of bubba or bubsy in my language, so I'd probably be hanged, drawn and quartered for that by some people 😂😂😂. See it as a first lesson that some people think that they know everything better than you and think themselves as the perfect parent, they'll try to make you feel inferior where they can, those are the people you want to avoid. They are the ones who have an issue, not you. Try to surround yourself with positive people, you'll be happier for it.

OP, first off - congratulations! Secondly, some really important advice. As you'll have seen from this thread there are some really lovely people on mumsnet who want to offer good and genuine advice. However, there are also some really nasty bitches who prowl around, just looking for other women they can belittle and bully. Bitch 1 wanted to make you feel bad about the nickname you use for your child. Bitch 2 know exactly what the 'x' is at the end of your post but is hoping to humiliate you. She's trying to say that you're too young and not middle class enough to post here. Ignore these bitches; they imagine they are clever but are in fact very sad and possibly friendless in real life.