To be hurt my friend returned to her DH?

[Twatalert]

My friend is in a dysfunctional marriage (she is being abused in my opinion, verbally and emotionally) and has left her husband many times and got back with him in a matter of days or weeks.

The last time was in September. I had my doubts she would really do it, although she had already resigned from her job to move to another town to stay with her Nan. One day I received a text with 'I left'. I got very emotional with goosebumps and tears and really felt for her. She left her husband and 4 kids (2 young adults, a teen and a primary aged child) so I was happy and sad for her at the same time.

She bought a car and started a new job within days, but less than two weeks later she returned 'home'. She says her husband saw his mistakes and the kids will take the matter into their own hands. In order for their mum to come back they decided/offered that in case one parent verbally hurts the other they will leave with the other parent and stop all contact to one parent left behind.

I find this totally bonkers and sick. But my point is I am so annoyed I spent months listening to her misery and problems at home, got emotional for her when she finally left (for the last time! She will never again set foot into that house she said), was worried for her and tried to give advice and it was all for nothing. AIBU to be annoyed?

[quote Justwingingmotherhood]@Storyoftonight step back from what exactly?[/quote]
FWIW I agree with you - OP is completely out of order and quite unbelievable . Step back from the current situation because that response will end up with you in hot water when in reality you are not the arsehole here.
Ps sorry to hear about your experiences 💞

Twatalert, leave it alone now. You mean well but you are not a professional counsellor, you know that. The fact that you are 'hurt' by your friend not taking your 'advice' proves it. You should not be offering advice, only listening.

(While we're at it, don't start sentences with, "See".)

@Storyoftonight thank you for the kind words and support but I dont care. I will not have anyone imply that my daughter is a victim of abuse or that I'm choosing to be abused. Mumsnet can ban me because I will NOT tolerate what she has said.

@jessstan1 when your trying to be a cocky arsehole when correcting someone make sure not to make a mistake yourself

[quote Justwingingmotherhood]@Storyoftonight thank you for the kind words and support but I dont care. I will not have anyone imply that my daughter is a victim of abuse or that I'm choosing to be abused. Mumsnet can ban me because I will NOT tolerate what she has said.

@jessstan1 when your trying to be a cocky arsehole when correcting someone make sure not to make a mistake yourself [/quote]
I totally understand and I would feel the same,

@Storyoftonight thank you for being so kind. Sleep well x

[quote Justwingingmotherhood]@Storyoftonight thank you for being so kind. Sleep well x[/quote]
I think the thread will be pulled so if so I wish you well and please take care

Storyoftonight, very sorry indeed. I can't be bothered now to look back and see who said it (but hope they read the comments).

@ Justwingingmotherhood regardless of your own situation, the fact that you believe your daughter has an amazing relationship with a man who inflicts that kind of abuse on you does show that you have

It is gut wrenching to watch someone you all are about stay in an abusive relationship. No amount of theory or knowledge of patterns of abuse changes the fact that you know the person of love is making a bad choice.

I would also have a very hard time staying friends with someone who was putting any pressure on her children to protect her. My mom did that to me and it is profoundly messed up.

In the end, you have to establish your own boundaries as to how much energy you can give to her problem. Then try to just be there if some day she comes to her senses and really wants out for good.

@jessstan1

Storyoftonight, very sorry indeed. I can't be bothered now to look back and see who said it (but hope they read the comments).

Don't be daft. I do it all the time. As much as I am sympathetic towards the anger and hurt felt by the poster there was no need for their reaction to you either.

Sorry hit post too soon. Shows that you have lost all perspective on this.

Reality is that if the relationship is as you say it is, if it came to the attention of social services you would very likely be given an ultimatum - cut contact with him or lose your daughter.

SS become involved in these cases for very good reasons, and if the violence is that severe you are naive to think your daughter knows nothing about it.

If not for your own sake, you need to leave for her’s. It is doing her far more harm than good to stay in this relationship, however amazing you might think it is.

@AlternativePerspective have what? Or are you just another person who thinks they know the ins and outs of my home? She has a fantastic relationship with him, she sees nothing as I have to keep saying because for some reason you lot seem to think you know everything about me and my daughter. Hes the perfect daddy to her apart from what he does to me, so why wouldn't she idolise him if she thinks hes this big strong man who makes her laugh, takes her out and buys her ice cream? Do I wish she hated him? Or didnt idolise him? No because it was my fault for ever being with him so I have no right taking her daddy away.

@AlternativePerspective

Sorry hit post too soon. Shows that you have lost all perspective on this.

Reality is that if the relationship is as you say it is, if it came to the attention of social services you would very likely be given an ultimatum - cut contact with him or lose your daughter.

SS become involved in these cases for very good reasons, and if the violence is that severe you are naive to think your daughter knows nothing about it.

If not for your own sake, you need to leave for her’s. It is doing her far more harm than good to stay in this relationship, however amazing you might think it is.

This is simply not true. Why are folk handing out random advice? Look on the boards and you will see many stories of women tied to an abusive ex because they are a good father.

Justwingingmotherhood

Please poke around on Mumsnet for the stories of children of abused mothers . Look on the web in general. I promise you, every child knows. Even more frightening, they may not even realize it is wrong.

Why are posters jumping on @Justwingingmotherhood? OP wrote a horrific comment to her which she has quite rightly responded to and now everyone is commenting on her situation. She didn't post the thread. What or not her daughter does or doesn't know is not the discussion here.

I responded because, having been the child in the scenario, I will not stay quiet when another child is repeating the experience.

@Terrace58

I responded because, having been the child in the scenario, I will not stay quiet when another child is repeating the experience.

But you don't know what the child is experiencing. She didn't ask for advice . She responded to a vile comment by the OP and has been rounded on.

She said that she is being abused but her dd is unaware. I commented because that is at best wishful thinking. I am only responding to her first post and really don’t care about the other exchange.

I feel like I need to be very explicit here

Any woman who is being abused but thinks it is a secret from her children is wrong. Her children know. They always know.

@Justwingingmotherhood and you think she’s deaf or always asleep? I was the kid, she knows everything. You’re in denial.

This is simply not true. Why are folk handing out random advice? Look on the boards and you will see many stories of women tied to an abusive ex because they are a good father. no, they’re not.

The child may believe they have a good relationship with their father while they’re little, assuming they don’t know what’s going on which they likely do. But a man who beats the crap out of his partner isn’t a good father. The fact he does it supposedly out of earshot of the children doesn’t make him any less of an abuser and a vile specimen of a human being.

Social services remove children from parents like these. Do you really think that SS should leave a child with a parent who chooses her partner over her children’s welfare simply because she claims he’s a good father?

Let’s be honest here, women who are being abused to that point that they’re not really being rational are they, so are not the best judges of whether the man who beats the shit out of them is a good father.

And what kind of damage do you think it does to a child when they grow up and realise that their parent stayed with a man like that for their benefit.

If a woman chooses to stay in a relationship with an abuser and she doesn’t have children then that’s up to her, we wish she would see sense but if she doesn’t then she has to make her own decisions.

But we can’t pussy foot around women who put their own children at risk not only of potential physical harm but also psychological harm by staying with an abuser like that simply because they believe he’s a good father.

The poster above who has resorted to some fairly vile personal attacks for being called on the damage her children are potentially having inflicted on them is fairly obvious evidence that she’s not being rational and that she’s not in a position to think straight. The fact she hasn’t left the abuser is proof positive of that. So she’s really not the best judge of what is best for her children.

I agree with @AlternativePerspective

People might think their abusive partner is a good parent, and their abusive partner may well be good at some aspects of parenting or at times appear loving and kind. However being abusive to your child’s other parent and creating an abusive environment in your child’s home, I think, disqualifies someone from being a ‘good parent’.

Even if children don’t actually witness a violent attack or aren’t consciously aware of the abuse the abuse will still impact them. How could it not. How could one of your parents Controlling or hurting the other (in anyway) not be damaging to a child.

@AlternativePerspective

This is simply not true. Why are folk handing out random advice? Look on the boards and you will see many stories of women tied to an abusive ex because they are a good father. no, they’re not.

The child may believe they have a good relationship with their father while they’re little, assuming they don’t know what’s going on which they likely do. But a man who beats the crap out of his partner isn’t a good father. The fact he does it supposedly out of earshot of the children doesn’t make him any less of an abuser and a vile specimen of a human being.

Social services remove children from parents like these. Do you really think that SS should leave a child with a parent who chooses her partner over her children’s welfare simply because she claims he’s a good father?

Let’s be honest here, women who are being abused to that point that they’re not really being rational are they, so are not the best judges of whether the man who beats the shit out of them is a good father.

And what kind of damage do you think it does to a child when they grow up and realise that their parent stayed with a man like that for their benefit.

If a woman chooses to stay in a relationship with an abuser and she doesn’t have children then that’s up to her, we wish she would see sense but if she doesn’t then she has to make her own decisions.

But we can’t pussy foot around women who put their own children at risk not only of potential physical harm but also psychological harm by staying with an abuser like that simply because they believe he’s a good father.

The poster above who has resorted to some fairly vile personal attacks for being called on the damage her children are potentially having inflicted on them is fairly obvious evidence that she’s not being rational and that she’s not in a position to think straight. The fact she hasn’t left the abuser is proof positive of that. So she’s really not the best judge of what is best for her children.

But you are the best judge ? Rather than her ? Are you aware how difficult it is to leave an abuser ?

Twat alert started the vile personal attacks and she had every right to respond.

I wouldn't like to comment on what ss should or shouldn't do as it's none of my business. She didn't post the thread or ask for advice and the ganging up on her is appalling.