To be hurt my friend returned to her DH?

[Twatalert]

My friend is in a dysfunctional marriage (she is being abused in my opinion, verbally and emotionally) and has left her husband many times and got back with him in a matter of days or weeks.

The last time was in September. I had my doubts she would really do it, although she had already resigned from her job to move to another town to stay with her Nan. One day I received a text with 'I left'. I got very emotional with goosebumps and tears and really felt for her. She left her husband and 4 kids (2 young adults, a teen and a primary aged child) so I was happy and sad for her at the same time.

She bought a car and started a new job within days, but less than two weeks later she returned 'home'. She says her husband saw his mistakes and the kids will take the matter into their own hands. In order for their mum to come back they decided/offered that in case one parent verbally hurts the other they will leave with the other parent and stop all contact to one parent left behind.

I find this totally bonkers and sick. But my point is I am so annoyed I spent months listening to her misery and problems at home, got emotional for her when she finally left (for the last time! She will never again set foot into that house she said), was worried for her and tried to give advice and it was all for nothing. AIBU to be annoyed?

Totally get it OP. There's only so much listening and being there that you can actually manage without your own mental health suffering.

If there's nothing in this friendship apart from this dynamic of offloading onto you and upsetting you etc then you can reduce contact or ask for some time spent doing other things or discussing other topics.

Friendship really should be a two way street. You're a person too.

I understand op it’s not so much anger it’s frustration. I am in a similar situation with my dd who is in what I believe to be a controlling abusive relationship. She confides in me I give advice she ignores it so I give I back off wish them well let them get on with it and repeat over and over again it’s frustrating it’s draining. She tells me the bad things then they make up again and I am supposed to forget everything she’s said and be happy for them and supportive of her choices

@Iloveflowers5

It takes people in abusive relationships many attempts to finally leave, it can be frustrating and repetitive but please dont withdraw your support as she may need you more than ever now. Children will also complicate the situation especially if they are being used to control her. If you suspect abuse always remember if you have concerns for their safety you need to report.

This

@Alfiemoon1

I understand op it’s not so much anger it’s frustration. I am in a similar situation with my dd who is in what I believe to be a controlling abusive relationship. She confides in me I give advice she ignores it so I give I back off wish them well let them get on with it and repeat over and over again it’s frustrating it’s draining. She tells me the bad things then they make up again and I am supposed to forget everything she’s said and be happy for them and supportive of her choices

It must be especially hard if its your daughter. I have no advice, as you know. Just better self care, which I think could work for me.

I understand the sentiment behind people saying not to give up on her etc but there really is only so much you can take before you need to put your own mental health first.

I had to cut ties completely with a friend who was putting herself and her children through the ringer for a useless cock lodger of a man and the constant offloading/forget about it all dynamic was utterly exhausting.

There's only so much you can support someone who is hell-bent on not taking advice and is stuck in an awful abuse cycle.

I’m astonished so many people have never once experienced frustration over an issue like this. If you’ve been supporting someone in an abusive relationship for years and have never felt a second’s frustration then I think you’re a very unusual person indeed.

It’s particularly concerning that having disclosed her own history of abuse some posters have chosen to berate the OP further even around her own experience.

This poor woman is trapped and it make take several more attempts to leave or she may never leave. I think you have to decide if you can live with that for the friendship to continue. It is ok if you can’t.

It is not anything different to what we see on here every day, either be there for her or not but it is not about you. But you don't have to live through peoples dramas either if you don't want too

It does seem weird with all the posts that say 'if my DH did that I would leave' or 'you have to get out now' but then there is heaps of people who don't.

Hi Op I’m sorry your feeling this way. Being a Friend to someone who is being domestically abused is very draining and tiring as time after time they will go back for many different reasons. I know you don’t think you’ve helped and the long conversations have been for nothing but honestly it would have helped her a great deal. Even to have a person willing to listen. I would see if you can get her to contact a domestic abuse charity in your area. That’s probably step number 1. Regarding the children If I were you I’d ring the NSPCC and see what they suggest.

YANBU to be upset and are allowed to have your own feelings about her behaviour, anyone who has been in your situation will be familiar with this.

There is a limit on how much you can do for other people. At some undefined point, all you are doing is enabling. Their relationships tend to be co-dependant which is one reason they return - you can't fulfil their needs.

It would be a good idea for you to make some strong boundaries and set limits on how much you listen or help her in future.

@Lavanderrose

Hi Op I’m sorry your feeling this way. Being a Friend to someone who is being domestically abused is very draining and tiring as time after time they will go back for many different reasons. I know you don’t think you’ve helped and the long conversations have been for nothing but honestly it would have helped her a great deal. Even to have a person willing to listen. I would see if you can get her to contact a domestic abuse charity in your area. That’s probably step number 1. Regarding the children If I were you I’d ring the NSPCC and see what they suggest.

Re contacting a charity....I can't even be sure she understands she is being abused. The whole family is. I told her a few days ago for the first time that this is abuse and haven't had a reply yet. I honestly don't know if she silently agrees with it or thinks I'm mad for saying that.

She is aware his behaviour is the reason for her depression, but to recognise it as abuse is one step further. He doesn't beat her up, so quite difficult to grasp the abuse if you are in it.

I can sympathise with you OP. I have a friend who has left her abusive (verbally and emotionally not physically) boyfriend at least thirty times over the last ten years. There are no children involved. I know I have literally spent hundreds of hours on the phone over the years talking about the issues, most phone calls being at least one to two hours long and it does take its toll you eventually. I am the only person she talks to about it. I went through cancer treatment a couple of years ago and I spoke to her just after I had my diagnosis and we spent about 5 minutes talking about that (I had told no one else prior as I didn't want to worry any of my family or friends before I knew for sure) before she changed the subject to her boyfriend again. I have just got to the point where I am emotionally spent over the situation and I just don't know what to say anymore.

@AskEvans

I can sympathise with you OP. I have a friend who has left her abusive (verbally and emotionally not physically) boyfriend at least thirty times over the last ten years. There are no children involved. I know I have literally spent hundreds of hours on the phone over the years talking about the issues, most phone calls being at least one to two hours long and it does take its toll you eventually. I am the only person she talks to about it. I went through cancer treatment a couple of years ago and I spoke to her just after I had my diagnosis and we spent about 5 minutes talking about that (I had told no one else prior as I didn't want to worry any of my family or friends before I knew for sure) before she changed the subject to her boyfriend again. I have just got to the point where I am emotionally spent over the situation and I just don't know what to say anymore.

That's awful re. her reaction on your treatment. I hope you are OK.

Someone else here made the point that the friend didn't need you, they just needed someone in your role. I dont know if that's true for you, but I'm thinking whether it could be true for my friendship.

You do need to take care, because sometimes part of the ritual of going back includes confessing every conversation she had, and she may repeat everything you have said to her partner.

I don’t think she’s been using you. I think she made a sincere decision to leave, but went back because (it sounds like) her kids begged her to. Leaving without her kids must have been incredibly hard and some might say it was always likely to fail. And so when this plan was suggested she convinced herself it would be ok.

It won’t be ok and she will need support leaving again, next time hopefully with the children so there is nothing to drag her back. I also agree with PP that all your listening and support this time has not been wasted, it will have got her closer hopefully to leaving for good in the end.

In your shoes I would feel disappointed, frustrated but not used. Please do keep supporting her but as they say on MN don’t give more of yourself than you can afford to give. If you feel like you’ve had enough for one week, it’s ok to text saying you’re a bit busy but will call her next week.

Being hurt really makes no sense, it's nothing to do with you. But it's very natural to feel frustrated or like your time was in some sense wasted. Maybe she will leave at a later time, but many people never do leave dysfunctional relationships.

Something people don't like to say but nonetheless is true is that it can be the case, especially where the problems are not violence as such, that both members of the relationship are active in the unhealthy dynamic. That doesn't mean that they are both playing the same role, or are equally to "blame," but they are both invested in the relationship in some sense. At some level your friend may feel drawn to in the relationship rather than simply being prevented in some way from leaving it - even very negative relationships can be compelling to people in ways that seem strange to most unless they've ever been in a dynamic like that themselves.

I don't know if that is your friend's situation, but the issue with the kids makes me wonder a bit, it seems to be using the kids in a way that is not emotionally appropriate and suggests poor boundaries. In those kinds of scenarios it is very very difficult to get the individual to pull out so long as they feel that way.

OP - She left her job got a car snd moved in with Nan
That's pretty great step
But had to leave her DCs alone with Him as couldn't take them? Didn't want to disrupt schooling?
Which is scary when you don't trust other parents behaviour/ someone's temper or ability not to turn It onto onto DCs/ adult children

Maybe he's feeling the reality check and she believes he has incentive to want to
Change

It sounds like the older teens/ young adults are stepping in, maybe inappropriately but they aren't standing by and seem to be willing to take a side if continues - lots of incentive for FriendsH to change if he wants to,

I think you did a lot of listening snd support snd she has the rest to do when she's ready. Each step is is a big one down a convoluted path

You don't have to go through the months again, she's further along now and you don't have to listen for hours snd hours , she sorted that stage out, this is one is different which she can get other help for if need be

It is just not as simple as... You listen, give advice, she leaves...
Domestic violence is a very messy entanglement to leave...

How many times does a DV survivor take to leave?

breakthesilencedv.org/beat-that-seven-times-statistic/

PS I'm a bit confused why your pal is leaving her kids - a primary aged kid too... with an abuser?

Please encourage her to do the online freedom programme /speak to women's aid... They can support her too with leaving.

It’s very sad they are dragging the kids into their shitty marriage. It actually sounds pathetic. If someone is awful to each other they leave. They both need to grow up.

I don’t understand your thread title about whether you should be hurt. This isn’t about you surely. For that reason YABU.

@IamtheDevilsAvocado

PS I'm a bit confused why your pal is leaving her kids - a primary aged kid too... with an abuser?

Please encourage her to do the online freedom programme /speak to women's aid... They can support her too with leaving.

This.

Abused or not, this would be my biggest issue with the friend. Leaving her children... really not okay.

You feel ‘used’? You sound like my ex friend who is no longer a friend.

I get it @Twatalert.

I'm an ex DV aupport worker and women returning to their abusers is really common. You accept it as part of the job.

However, just before I left we had a woman go back to her perpetrator. She'd been in refuge for months. We're supported her to get clean (drugs were part of the abuse).
She had unlimited access to her children. They'd been removed when she was still with him. The judge was so impressed with her improvement she was now allowed to see them whenever she liked with a view to them being returned to her when she left refuge. In contrast, her ex was told he'd not be allowed near them again.

She was looking for work. She'd totally turned her life around.

Then one day we came in to find a note left saying she'd gone, she was safe so not to worry about her, and thanks for all the help.

We contacted her next of kin and they said they'd also been in contact and she'd gone back to him.

In all likelihood she's back on the drugs and will never get her children back. The very best she can hope for is supervised contact in a contact centre. And she'll be lucky to get that.

As detached as we tried to keep ourselves from clients, that one was a particular disappointment. She'd come so far and we'd worked so hard to support her.

If you're finding the situation overwhelming, take a step back. Let her know you're there if she needs you but don't get too involved. And consider a call to the NSPCC or Children's Services if you're concerned about the children.

If she has given up her new job and is unemployed,she will be more vulnerable now,with no outside daily contact and no income of her own.
Scrap the feeling hurt op,you can't insist she leaves because you've given her a lot of your time.the children are probably having a really tough time too,either continue to be there or walk away but don't expect things to happen to your timetable.

Yanbu to feel as you do- I’d be so frustrated if this was one of my friends. However you have to step back and let her make her own decisions. Be there for her as much as you can, whilst looking after your own mental health.