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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt my friend returned to her DH?

148 replies

Twatalert · 19/10/2020 21:48

My friend is in a dysfunctional marriage (she is being abused in my opinion, verbally and emotionally) and has left her husband many times and got back with him in a matter of days or weeks.

The last time was in September. I had my doubts she would really do it, although she had already resigned from her job to move to another town to stay with her Nan. One day I received a text with 'I left'. I got very emotional with goosebumps and tears and really felt for her. She left her husband and 4 kids (2 young adults, a teen and a primary aged child) so I was happy and sad for her at the same time.

She bought a car and started a new job within days, but less than two weeks later she returned 'home'. She says her husband saw his mistakes and the kids will take the matter into their own hands. In order for their mum to come back they decided/offered that in case one parent verbally hurts the other they will leave with the other parent and stop all contact to one parent left behind.

I find this totally bonkers and sick. But my point is I am so annoyed I spent months listening to her misery and problems at home, got emotional for her when she finally left (for the last time! She will never again set foot into that house she said), was worried for her and tried to give advice and it was all for nothing. AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
ludothedog · 19/10/2020 22:32

It's ok for you to say you can't deal with this anymore. It's ok for you to put boundaries in place to protect yourself and it's ok for you to be angry and disappointed. You are not responsible for your friends decisions and if it's too hard to see her go back to him it's ok to walk away.

You are entitled to your feelings and limiting what you are able/want to give. Flowers

Original poster
Twatalert · 19/10/2020 22:32

@yelyah22

The thing is, being in an abusive relationship does make you a 'bad' friend, some of the time. Because you are so trapped in the misery and the half-hope and the fear that you take what emotional support you can get and yet you'd still drop every second of good advice in the blink of an eye when the abuser says the right thing.

If you understand that and you love your friend, remember this is not about you. Not even a tiny bit. She just needs to find her way to the exit for this by herself, really - your support is needed, but it isn't going to be the be-all and end-all, and you're wasting your own time by setting this up as a slight on you. She's just on this track and you can either choose to be there, knowing it will be difficult for her and (to a much lesser, and less important, extent) for you, or you can walk away from the friendship. I know which I'd do, but I understand the frustration all too well - I've been on both sides.

Thank you for this reply. I needed this to get back some perspective. That really helped me today and I feel a bit less annoyed.
OP posts:
ToDoListAddict · 19/10/2020 22:33

@Twatalert I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling hurt. I totally sympathise with you.
I have a friend/colleague in an abusive marriage who leans on me heavily for emotional support but will not leave him. I've given her all the advice possible, contact numbers, even spoken to our manager about my concern for her wellbeing!
I feel hurt every time she dismisses me when I say her husband is abusive. She refuses to believe it because he doesn't physically hurt her.

lughnasadh · 19/10/2020 22:36

How could you possibly think she could ever be happy at leaving her children with an abusive man?

She'll never be free of him, living there or not.

And no, leaving an abusive home as a teenager isn't even in the same realm as leaving your children with an abusive man. The bonds and dynamics are worlds apart.

She would never know peace.

I've never read such a self centered, wrong headed, shallow OP.

Do you have children?

Beaverdam100 · 19/10/2020 22:39

They nearly always go back. If she tries offloading to you again i would tell her i dont want to know.

Sally872 · 19/10/2020 22:41

Yanbu to feel sad for friend, disappointed friend can't cut ties, understand how awful it must have been to leave the kids, frustrated she can't find a way out.

Yabvu to feel hurt or used yourself Hmm

Original poster
Twatalert · 19/10/2020 22:42

@lughnasadh

How could you possibly think she could ever be happy at leaving her children with an abusive man?

She'll never be free of him, living there or not.

And no, leaving an abusive home as a teenager isn't even in the same realm as leaving your children with an abusive man. The bonds and dynamics are worlds apart.

She would never know peace.

I've never read such a self centered, wrong headed, shallow OP.

Do you have children?

Where do I say I thought she could ever be happy at leaving her children with her abusive husband? Do not twist my words please. I also never claimed leaving an abusive home as a teenager is the same as leaving husband and kids.

No, I don't have children. I dont have children by choice because I am too afraid I would behave too much like my own parents and damage them. Amd I have had years of therapy. But as I don't have any I am not remotely qualified to even have an opinion.

OP posts:
HelloDulling · 19/10/2020 22:46

It’s not her fault. But, you don’t have to keep being there for her. If it’s too much, start making small steps away from her.

Eckhart · 19/10/2020 22:48

You gave her lots of advice and she is obliged to take it, or you'll get annoyed with her.

Does that sum it up?

jessstan1 · 19/10/2020 22:49

I'm sorry you are upset with your friend but this often happens. You are not qualified to advise her, she needs professional help from someone not personally involved.

Do not cut off your friendship but just listen and support her in that way.

Beaverdam100 · 19/10/2020 22:50

She's made her bed. See less and listen less.

She has to find her own way.

lughnasadh · 19/10/2020 22:52

Yes I was happy for her to start a new life...

I left my abusive home as a teenager. Is that good enough?

My response was based on those statements of yours.

The normal bond between a mother and child is a deep, visceral one. And different in the direction of mother to child, than child to mother.

There isn't likely to be a happy life for her while her children are with an abusive man.

Lemons1571 · 19/10/2020 22:53

I have been in your shoes also. It’s ok to have had enough - years of going over the same old ground, again and again, with nothing actually changing is enough to grind any supportive friend down.

I cut my ex friend off when her actions started affecting my children, and my four year old son started subtlely getting the blame for her child’s anxiety issues. I don’t regret it. She soon found another friend victim . Last I heard, she went round to the new friends house to offload the latest instalment/drama and a stranger opened the door - new friend had moved and not told her!

You may find that although you feel obligated to “be there for her”, as soon as you pull away she quickly finds a new source of support.

Original poster
Twatalert · 19/10/2020 22:53

@jessstan1

I'm sorry you are upset with your friend but this often happens. You are not qualified to advise her, she needs professional help from someone not personally involved.

Do not cut off your friendship but just listen and support her in that way.

Yes I can see that now. I stupidly thought I could get through to her one day. But it would take someone many months of therapy to unpick this, so I don't know why I thought I could get her to take on board what I say.
OP posts:
CallmeMrsScavo · 19/10/2020 22:55

This is so self-indulgent. You don't get to be hurt by other people's relationships. No one has hurt you. No one has wronged you. Her children are the victims here and you're focusing on your wasted energy. You don't sound like a good friend.

RudieSmithy · 19/10/2020 22:55

Who’s putting the children first, here? OP, my mum and I loved in domestic abuse for 17 years... I get it. When we said we were leaving we actually left. We hadn’t tried before.

As the former child, if you still want to help: advocate for the kids. They need support from children’s services. The mother will make her own choices, abuse is cruel and it means her choices won’t always allow her to be the best mother.

Eckhart · 19/10/2020 22:56

They nearly always go back. If she tries offloading to you again i would tell her i dont want to know

Holy moly. I hope nobody ever comes to you for support.

Original poster
Twatalert · 19/10/2020 22:57

@lughnasadh

Yes I was happy for her to start a new life...

I left my abusive home as a teenager. Is that good enough?

My response was based on those statements of yours.

The normal bond between a mother and child is a deep, visceral one. And different in the direction of mother to child, than child to mother.

There isn't likely to be a happy life for her while her children are with an abusive man.

So? I never claimed to believe there would be a happy life for her soon while her children a with an abusive man. A man she doesn't consider to be abusive btw and she thought her kids would be OK with. I think your only problem is that I said I 'felt happy and sad for her' when she left. But all you saw was the happy part.
OP posts:
Lemons1571 · 19/10/2020 22:57

Actually in hindsight my ex friend didn’t actually need me. She just needed someone in my role. When I pulled away she just replaced me.

Original poster
Twatalert · 19/10/2020 22:59

@CallmeMrsScavo

This is so self-indulgent. You don't get to be hurt by other people's relationships. No one has hurt you. No one has wronged you. Her children are the victims here and you're focusing on your wasted energy. You don't sound like a good friend.
I'm hurt by the way she 'used my friendship, time and energy'. And I let it happen.
OP posts:
Eckhart · 19/10/2020 23:01

I'm hurt by the way she 'used my friendship, time and energy'. And I let it happen

Be annoyed at yourself then. You're the one who's supposed to set your boundaries. Your friend's got enough on her plate.

RudieSmithy · 19/10/2020 23:01

We lived in abuse for so long because we had no one. My mum was permitted by my father to take a job (so that he didn’t have to) and she met her best friend. That’s when we were able to leave.

I know it’s draining but focus on the children if you have any energy to spare the situation.

Beaverdam100 · 19/10/2020 23:01

@echart i don't mean to soumd heartless but its the truth.

I spend 5 years in an abusive relationship. He physically, sexually and emotionally abused me. Nearly strangled me to death at one point. I went back time and time again like an idiot.

It doesnt matter what people say to you, you have to do it yourself.

Original poster
Twatalert · 19/10/2020 23:02

@CallmeMrsScavo

This is so self-indulgent. You don't get to be hurt by other people's relationships. No one has hurt you. No one has wronged you. Her children are the victims here and you're focusing on your wasted energy. You don't sound like a good friend.
Well, I'm glad I don't have your mindset as that would make it easy for someone to abuse me.
OP posts:
Original poster
Twatalert · 19/10/2020 23:03

@Eckhart

I'm hurt by the way she 'used my friendship, time and energy'. And I let it happen

Be annoyed at yourself then. You're the one who's supposed to set your boundaries. Your friend's got enough on her plate.

And so she can have my friendship but doesn't have to be a friend herself for months or years? You sound deranged.
OP posts: