Page 3 | To be hurt my friend returned to her DH?

Twatalert · 2020-10-19T20:48:32+00:00

My friend is in a dysfunctional marriage (she is being abused in my opinion, verbally and emotionally) and has left her husband many times and got back with him in a matter of days or weeks. The last time was in September. I had my doubts she would really do it, although she had already resigned from her job to move to another town to stay with her Nan. One day I received a text with 'I left'. I got very emotional with goosebumps and tears and really felt for her. She left her husband and 4 kids (2 young adults, a teen and a primary aged child) so I was happy and sad for her at the same time. She bought a car and started a new job within days, but less than two weeks later she returned 'home'. She says her husband saw his mistakes and the kids will take the matter into their own hands. In order for their mum to come back they decided/offered that in case one parent verbally hurts the other they will leave with the other parent and stop all contact to one parent left behind. I find this totally bonkers and sick. But my point is I am so annoyed I spent months listening to her misery and problems at home, got emotional for her when she finally left (for the last time! She will never again set foot into that house she said), was worried for her and tried to give advice and it was all for nothing. AIBU to be annoyed?

Toontown · 19/10/2020 23:04

You seem to be a little bit controlling. Do you get annoyed when people don't act they way you want them too?you seem to have little understanding of the effect of being in an abusive relationship with your children.

RudieSmithy · 19/10/2020 23:05

Right now she has it worse than you do. So yes, there will be a lot of taking and not a lot of giving. Ask yourself if the boot was on the other foot would she be there for you?

Don’t be a twat, OP.

PicsInRed · 19/10/2020 23:05

Read between the lines. He wouldn't let her take the kids. To see them she returned. Was he going to coparent and cooperate? Would he be a safe father when not supervised? Clearly not.

The system and society blames women for staying but then also actively colludes to make it impossible to leave the really nasty ones. He could have had 50/50 (or even more, as she left). Unsupervised. Think on that and pity her and the children. Save the anger for the abuser and for the system set up to protect him.

user19423546852 · 19/10/2020 23:06

If she's going to leave successfully, it will be because she's ready and has done it herself. It sounds like you tried to do it for her - with the best of intentions.

I don't think she used you. I think she's entangled in a situation from which she is not yet able to extract herself from. The brainwashing and conditioning involved is much the same as with cult victims.

Maybe reading up on domestic violent dynamics and the reasons why women go back would help you feel less like her decision is a personal slight against you. Because it's not.

In my experience, those who leave because someone else has done most of the organising and who immediately start racing off on a new life tend to go back - because they're not mentally out of the relationship, they're in a temporary fantasy they've been swept up in and they're not actually engaging with their feelings or the reality. (Over-achieving and making grand plans is as much a way to numb your feelings as drinking or drugs).

Leaving for good entails grief and pain and all the trauma that's been suppressed to survive suddenly being felt and experienced. Some women go back to put all those feelings back in a box, some go back because they can't accept the loss, some because they have no perspective to understand abuse isn't normal, some go back because they interpret those emotions as signifying they'd made a mistake in leaving.

And some weren't ready to leave and hadn't accepted it was abuse. I'd be inclined to say anyone leaving her children with the abuser - and who now thinks her young children are capable of mediating/preventing the abuse - was not very well connected to the reality of her situation and unlikely to leave successfully.

It is really shit seeing someone you care about and want to protect and help in a destructive situation they don't seem able to save themselves from.

I also don't think the situation you extracted yourself from was "easier" than hers. Different yes, easier? No.

lughnasadh · 19/10/2020 23:08

No, you just seem to expect her to put you and your time and 'advice' before her children.

The children want and need her back there, that's not something she will ever ignore.

She was never really going to leave them there, and evidently can't get them out. Their response suggests their father's hold over the family is strong and fearsome.

They recognise she can't just walk away with them, even if you don't get it.

Original poster

Twatalert · 19/10/2020 23:08

@RudieSmithy

Right now she has it worse than you do. So yes, there will be a lot of taking and not a lot of giving. Ask yourself if the boot was on the other foot would she be there for you?

Don’t be a twat, OP.

Mhm more food for thought.

OP posts:

OfTheNight · 19/10/2020 23:10

My darling friend is married to a horrid man who abuses her and has stunted her life by denying her the opportunity to apply for jobs, keeping her in a low paying role far below what she is qualified for (while he doesn’t work, drinks all day and racks up debts), he makes fun of her, he slaps her, he won’t have children with her (which I’m grateful for but she finds it heart breaking). They’ve been together for over 20 years.

Over the years I have lost count of the amount of times she’s ended things. She seemed to do it with a little more resolve every time. Last time she had even booked to view a house to rent and had packed up and was staying with her parents. But he wormed his way back in. Then they got married.

Over the years friends have cut her off. Now and then she calls me to say things are bad. I always try to help. Sometimes I’m so frustrated by the whole thing I cry. My DP gets annoyed and urges me to cut her off, but she’s my oldest friend and very sweet.

I know it’s tough but you just have to say your piece and leave them to it. I’m there for her, I always will be, but we see each other so much less because of him. At the end of the day though I want her to know that if she ever does go I’ll be there to help.

Eckhart · 19/10/2020 23:14

And so she can have my friendship but doesn't have to be a friend herself for months or years? You sound deranged

It sounds like you think that friendship is a sort of bartering system. You sound wrong.

Original poster

Twatalert · 19/10/2020 23:14

@PicsInRed

Read between the lines. He wouldn't let her take the kids. To see them she returned. Was he going to coparent and cooperate? Would he be a safe father when not supervised? Clearly not.

The system and society blames women for staying but then also actively colludes to make it impossible to leave the really nasty ones. He could have had 50/50 (or even more, as she left). Unsupervised. Think on that and pity her and the children. Save the anger for the abuser and for the system set up to protect him.

I know. I couldn't get her to see it. My actual advice was to change the locks when he is at work and start there.

Anyway, bit of a drip feed: he doesn't want to leave 'because what will people think if his marriage fails' and so she had to. Why she didn't take the kids I can't comprehend. I honestly think she thought they would be fine. I know that with her away he'd likely up his abuse with whoever is left but she can't see it. Its very sad all around.

Told her to prepare for his manipulation tactics to get her to come back....she didn't. She got the car, job, accommodation but not the professional support she needed (she didn't think she needed a therapist. After years in therapy I know this actually means she isn't ready for therapy and unpick her life and her decisions).

OP posts:

Caplin · 19/10/2020 23:16

I get it, but this is her decision ultimately. I have family members who were badly abused. All had the full might of their family behind them, ready to remove them, protect them. Some left, some didn’t’t. Those that didn’t, their kids were messed up. Those that did, their kids were still messed up.

It is so hard, but do what you can, and if it is too hard to be involved then that is ok as she may never leave, and that is exhausting.

katy1213 · 19/10/2020 23:20

I could understand feeling exasperated - but hurt? You sound far too invested in someone else's life/marriage.

Original poster

Twatalert · 19/10/2020 23:27

@katy1213

I could understand feeling exasperated - but hurt? You sound far too invested in someone else's life/marriage.

I probably am because I was a shoulder to cry on for months and years about one and the same thing.

I would ask not to analyse my choice of words as I'm not a native speaker.

OP posts:

Original poster

Twatalert · 19/10/2020 23:29

@Eckhart

And so she can have my friendship but doesn't have to be a friend herself for months or years? You sound deranged

It sounds like you think that friendship is a sort of bartering system. You sound wrong.

It works both ways though. Not all the time and not in equal measure but I suppose a certain point has been reached.

OP posts:

RoseTintedAtuin · 19/10/2020 23:30

OP I think you did a great job, after all she did leave (I know she went back but I think that action itself is taking back a bit of control and shown she can do it) so well done. However there is a limit to how much of yourself you put into this. Many pop’s make assumptions of this persons priorities and motivations and feelings but ultimately (and I know this sounds harsh) they aren’t your problems. The only way you can sustainably be there for someone and go back over old ground etc. Is by not allowing yourself to get too involved (this is why people don’t treat family or friends). If you want a friendship you may need to reduce contact or reduce time spent talking about this issue, then you can be as invested as you like (as in most friendships). if you want to get her through this then you need to detach a bit and not get invested in the outcome (a bit like going to work) It’s so tough OP and in a similar situation I went nc because of the involvement of children which I couldn’t detach from.

SandyY2K · 19/10/2020 23:32

I know how you feel. If it's becoming too much, take a step back.

I have a friend in a similar situation and tbh, I've stopped messaging her. I couldn't sleep for a few nights after she told me how her partner beat her up and the images kept flashing in my mind.

I sent her info on domestic abuse helplines and links about the effect of it on children.

She thanked me for it and stayed with him.
A few months later, she's complaining again about him being nasty to her DC...he was badly flouting the rules during the height of lockdown...so many things...and she was ending.

Except she didn't. I just can't deal with it, especially because her DC sees all this stuff and it upsets me that she exposes her child to this abuse.

OP..just take care of yourself. I realise nothing i said would help and that my friend clearly has her own insecurities to continue in the relationship.

DressingGownofDoom · 19/10/2020 23:35

You sound really controlling. You want to force your friend to live the life you have decided she should live.

Original poster

Twatalert · 19/10/2020 23:36

@user19423546852