To be hurt my friend returned to her DH?

[Twatalert]

My friend is in a dysfunctional marriage (she is being abused in my opinion, verbally and emotionally) and has left her husband many times and got back with him in a matter of days or weeks.

The last time was in September. I had my doubts she would really do it, although she had already resigned from her job to move to another town to stay with her Nan. One day I received a text with 'I left'. I got very emotional with goosebumps and tears and really felt for her. She left her husband and 4 kids (2 young adults, a teen and a primary aged child) so I was happy and sad for her at the same time.

She bought a car and started a new job within days, but less than two weeks later she returned 'home'. She says her husband saw his mistakes and the kids will take the matter into their own hands. In order for their mum to come back they decided/offered that in case one parent verbally hurts the other they will leave with the other parent and stop all contact to one parent left behind.

I find this totally bonkers and sick. But my point is I am so annoyed I spent months listening to her misery and problems at home, got emotional for her when she finally left (for the last time! She will never again set foot into that house she said), was worried for her and tried to give advice and it was all for nothing. AIBU to be annoyed?

@Eckhart

And so she can have my friendship but doesn't have to be a friend herself for months or years? You sound deranged

It sounds like you think that friendship is a sort of bartering system. You sound wrong.

Well both sides have to get something out of it. Otherwise it's not really friendship. I'm done with one sided friendships where one side is all take and one is all give. Whats in it for me?

The worst thing your doing is making it about you. I'm in a abusive relationship, lost all my friends because they basically said the same as you. It really isnt that easy to leave, and then once you leave it's so hard. My DD doesn't see ANY abuse and she loves her dad dearly and misses him terribly so I give in. Everyone has there reasons. Please dont make it about you and just be there for her.

Yes @CloudsCanLookLikeSheep, as I said upthread, if OP has had enough, she should step back. Everybody has their boundaries. But being annoyed with someone you care about for returning to an abuser indicates... well, that you care more about your own feelings than theirs, so it's best for both parties if there's more distance.

@Eckhart

Yes *@CloudsCanLookLikeSheep*, as I said upthread, if OP has had enough, she should step back. Everybody has their boundaries. But being annoyed with someone you care about for returning to an abuser indicates... well, that you care more about your own feelings than theirs, so it's best for both parties if there's more distance.

Not at all unhealthy to care more about your own feelings than someone else's, unless that person is perhaps your own child

I didn't say it was unhealthy. I don't think it is. I'm suggesting OP distance herself from this person because they keep crossing OP's boundaries.

Which bit don't you get?

I've got a friend who is constantly getting into really bad relationships. Over the years I've spent so many hours listening / being a shoulder to cry on / offering advice / replying to long winded texts about why she doesn't think he's cheating on her (despite very obvious evidence) she's going to leave.... no she's not... yes she is.... no, wait... he knows 'the error of his ways'.... that's it, she's leaving... no, she's not.

She's currently dating a man who lied about having a fiance and a 4 year old daughter and one day before UK Lockdown in March, I was over her house, getting black bin liners to put all his stuff in, drive them around to his fiances house (who she found out about 2 hours earlier).... Then she got lonely..... so now she's back with him, he's made his fiance out to be a total liar and of course, she believes him.

I told her this time - That's it, I'm out. I won't stop being her friend, but I don't want to hear ANYTHING about her relationship. I don't care if he's cheating or lying to her as I expect he is. I don't want to see him, I won't go round to her house (he's living with her and not paying any rent) and I will never socialise with him and go on any 'double dates' with them and my Husband. She's found it hard, but has accepted it - ever time she tells me 'they've had a fight', I change the subject 'What a shame, but that's what I'd expect, so.... how's work?'

Being a constant support to her was so draining - I need to protect my own mental health and I've done that by detaching, saying to myself she's a grown woman and she has her life to live and decisions to make as do I...... and one of my decisions is, I'm not dealing with her drama any more.

@Eckhart

I didn't say it was unhealthy. I don't think it is. I'm suggesting OP distance herself from this person because they keep crossing OP's boundaries.

Which bit don't you get?

The bit where I have to use the exact same words you used to make my own point.

I think no matter how badly women are treated by their partners ,there is often a little bit of them that doesnt want to give up ,and have to go through a lot of disruption with their DC as well.Often they are made to feel its their "fault " by their abuser ,and this is difficult to shake off .Even now in the 21st Century ,with equal rights and so on ,The nuclear family is held up as some sort of shining beacon we should aspire to!The point is she has decided to return and that is her decision to make .All you can do is be there for her .This sort of support can be exhausting though,Does she have other chums to talk to as well? Sometimes you have to think of yourself as well ,and maybe drop back a bit ? Hard to do as you sound a caring loving chum ,but you need to think of your own life as well! You are not an unpaid "Agony Aunt"!

POWER TO @CloudsCanLookLikeSheep!!

You have won.

YABU

You are a good friend OP! But you need to protect your own feelings! I was wondering why so sounded so invested and then you posted you have left abuse behind you, and at a young age.
She really should not involve her children in this....
And it is normal for this to take quite a few attempts... it is frequent that couples in abusive situations keep trying.. unfortunatelly.
But you do need to care for yourself here. Give your shoulder to cry, aand give your advice. But do not get too deeply involved

@Justwingingmotherhood

The worst thing your doing is making it about you. I'm in a abusive relationship, lost all my friends because they basically said the same as you. It really isnt that easy to leave, and then once you leave it's so hard. My DD doesn't see ANY abuse and she loves her dad dearly and misses him terribly so I give in. Everyone has there reasons. Please dont make it about you and just be there for her.

I think it is very unlikely your DD doesnt see any abuse. In the best case she 'just' witnesses you being abused - and you probably think he is not abusing you in front of her. In the worst case she is being abused herself.

Abuse is a mindset. He doesn't decide to not abuse you at all while your DD is around. It is more likely your whole dynamic at home is screwed up, your DD is learning unhealthy behaviour and you can't see it.

See, my friend says exactly the same: that her husband does not abuse the kids. But I know he does from the bits she tells me. She just does not want to see it.

And you don't want to see it either. You are in denial and passive. Probably too afraid to start somewhere and 'learn the truth'. It hurts. But I am glad I learnt my truth. It was and remains painful, but my life is better without abuse and minimal changes of ever being abused again.

You play the victim card. Being abused does not mean you are incapacitated. You have options. You can start somewhere. You just choose not to.

Gosh, it's a really good job you know everything, @Twatalert

@Eckhart

Gosh, it's a really good job you know everything, *@Twatalert*

Yes Eckhart I do a lot about the dynamics of abuse. I'm glad you agree with me.

It's always good to tell a victim of abuse that they're simply choosing to be a victim. That's definitely very empowering and validating. And really helps them get to the root of the problem, too.

You might know about the dynamics of abuse, but your friend isn't living in a 'dynamics of abuse' textbook, and you don't seem to know much about the dynamics of supporting someone. She won't be able to free herself until she starts to realise her own power and agency. Your 'you're being abused because you choose to' attitude will stand in the way of that. She doesn't need someone telling her what to do. She doesn't need someone who knows it all. Be as annoyed as you like. I doubt she cares, when you're so patronising towards people in her position.

I have 0 sympathy with any woman who leaves an abuser and leaves her children with him. Leaving and going back repeatedly is one thing,(although women like this shouldn’t expect to be taken seriously if they do,) leaving saying they can’t take any more and leaving the children behind is quite another.

Sorry OP I know this isn't what you are asking but why on earth did she leave her kids ?!

@Justwingingmotherhood

Ok. *@Twatalert* I think it's very likely your just a horrible spiteful bitch. Your friend is better off without you fucking moaning and whinging about her over the internet. How fucking dare you suggest my daughter is being abused you know absolutely nothing about the dynamics in my house. My daughter sees nothing because he does it when shes in fucking bed. She is never with him without me they have an amazing relationship. So take your patronising words and choke on them. Yes I love playing the victim and having my head smashed off a wall I just do it for the fun so horrible cunts like you can tell me I'm playing a victim. I know my fucking truth you know nothing apart from that little snippet. So carry on using other womens abuse to make yourself look clever. If it wasnt for my little girl I'd of left this earth a long fucking time ago. You horrible horrible bitch.

You need to step back. You will find yourself banned.

I'm unable to quote you OP but your statement about having choices and choosing not to is unforgivable@Twatalert . Please research how many women are killed at the hands of their partners. I think after that comment you will find your thread receives zero sympathy as you clearly have no compassion for abused women.

@Storyoftonight step back from what exactly?