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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do people afford to buy so much?

586 replies

Ilovexmastime35 · 19/10/2020 13:45

Aibu to be confused about where I'm going wrong?! Of course everyone's financial situation is different and for those earning well it is no problem paying out for clothes/shoes etc.
But for low - mid earners, how do you afford things? I see people on social media going out regularly, days out, holidays, clothes, city breaks, seaside trips, buying new technology etc. I know what jobs they do and they are not high earners. How are they doing this?

I want to treat my kids to a day out over half term. I've just looked at booking tickets to a local safari park for 2 adults 2 children. It comes to £145!!
I was looking at a local meet Santa on a train event, £80! We can't do it because if I bought those tickets I wouldn't have any money left for anything else for a month.
I think these prices are extortionate and for low-mid earners most people cannot afford these prices.

I need new clothes, boots and a coat desperately. I'm plus size so cannot shop at Primark. The cheapest I can find is a cardigan is priced £34.99. A coat over £59. I just cannot afford these things! My clothes have holes in and my shoes leak!

Im unable to work at the moment ,but my husband earns just over 50k. After all bills, food, fuel, we have about £200 disposal income to last a month. We don't drink, smoke, we don't eat out or socialise. Our money goes on the children and the house. There is never a penny left over for us.

I think in comparison to wages, most things are priced too high. I'm grateful we have a roof over our heads and can afford food but everthing else seems out of reach!. My husband is senior management, he can't earn any more than he does now. We are not frivolous at all. Any advice on how to afford these things apart from getting into debt?

OP posts:
Jeremyironseverything · 20/10/2020 09:29

Ask him to do the shopping for a month to see how much costs really are. Obviously he won't want to.
Alternatively, give him all the receipts for a months shopping. I know you don't like him scrutinizing your spending, but if you don't force gin to see how much things cost, then he'll continue to bury his head in the sand.

Once you've forced him to realise that you have no money left for you, then you start the conversation regarding addressing that. This is where you have to stand firm/argue. If that leads to the end of the relationship, then that is where you need to go. You say you want out, what is stopping you?

You won't be worse off financially than you are now.

Jellycatspyjamas · 20/10/2020 09:34

Possibly the ops husband is intentionally keeping money from her to encourage her to get a job and earn some money herself?

Or maybe he’s intentionally keeping money from her to control her, make it impossible for her to better herself, prevent her from getting employment (ever been to an interview in holey clothes and worn out shoes), lower her self esteem and keep her in her place.

showmethegin · 20/10/2020 09:39

@ssd If for whatever reason the OPs DH wants her to get a job, why doesn't he speak to her? Rather than expecting her to walk around in shoes with holes in and seeing his children do without while he brings in thousands a month. Do you not think that's incredibly cruel?

How could you do that to the people you love?

GenuisJ0b · 20/10/2020 09:42

Good enough to have children with

Not good enough to share money with ?

He doesn't see you as an equal ?

Can you get a job ? Then you both share the childcare cost

If you are in UK have you been claiming child benefit, because the National Insurance contributions pay towards your state pension while you are not working

How do you live with no money for yourself ?

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2020 09:58

@Jellycatspyjamas

Possibly the ops husband is intentionally keeping money from her to encourage her to get a job and earn some money herself?

Or maybe he’s intentionally keeping money from her to control her, make it impossible for her to better herself, prevent her from getting employment (ever been to an interview in holey clothes and worn out shoes), lower her self esteem and keep her in her place.

Or maybe he’s not intentionally keeping any money from her, but this is literally all they have due to their debt and mortgage.

The issue here is no one knows.

Jellycatspyjamas · 20/10/2020 10:03

The issue here is no one knows.

Including the OP, which is abusive.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2020 10:27

@Jellycatspyjamas

The issue here is no one knows.

Including the OP, which is abusive.

Why is it abusive? She’s not said he refuses to tell her. She has simply said she does not know, which could easily mean she just hasn’t asked.
VinylDetective · 20/10/2020 10:38

Or maybe he’s not intentionally keeping any money from her, but this is literally all they have due to their debt and mortgage

He’s just had a £10k pay rise, how does that work?

RandomMess · 20/10/2020 10:49

Not to mention lovely annual holiday and lots of Christmas and Birthday gifts for the DC...

Jellycatspyjamas · 20/10/2020 10:56

Why is it abusive? She’s not said he refuses to tell her. She has simply said she does not know, which could easily mean she just hasn’t asked.

She has no access to money outside of what he gives her, which isn’t remotely enough to meet her and her children’s need. She should know where the money in the household is going - there’s a lack of transparency at best. If he’s earning a good salary and can’t give her money for shoes, I’d expect him to be letting her see where the money is going. She’s his life partner, not an indentured servant, they have children together she should be able to look and see where the funds are going not least does they can together make adjustments to their spending if money is so tight. He’s using money in a way which controls his partner, which is abusive.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2020 11:10

He’s just had a £10k pay rise, how does that work?

I guess you’ve never been skint and had debt building up? Maybe even lost benefits due to salary increase and not been able to find another job? Because I can categorically assure you it works and depending on your debts, can make you totally fucked.

Your privileged position gives you a lack of insight into what it can mean to live hand to mouth,

dontshootmessenger · 20/10/2020 11:44

I'm not being funny, but if you're very overweight or obese, can you cut down on how much you eat? Then you can shop in normal shops.

I can afford new high street clothes but buy charity shop or eBay, because I hate the fact so much clothing is worn once before going to landfill.

We have a good household income but have a stringent budget for food, gas/electricity etc. save the pennies etc.

ssd · 20/10/2020 11:44

[quote showmethegin]@ssd If for whatever reason the OPs DH wants her to get a job, why doesn't he speak to her? Rather than expecting her to walk around in shoes with holes in and seeing his children do without while he brings in thousands a month. Do you not think that's incredibly cruel?

How could you do that to the people you love?[/quote]
Why doesn't she ask him?

Oneandabean · 20/10/2020 11:59

Unfortunately I think many people live beyond their means and are often in debt.
FWIW I earn less than a quarter of what your husband does, I can’t even find somewhere to rent that I can afford at the moment. But we still go on days out. Look for places that are free, you can go on some lovely walks and it won’t cost you, take a picnic if you like. Shop around for cheaper bills. If you’re husband earns that much and you can’t afford to do things your expenses need looking into

cologne4711 · 20/10/2020 12:02

£50K and you can't afford clothes?

Something sounds very wrong.

But anyway, ebay is your friend. You can get cut-price items and save them from landfill.

BLASTPROCESSING · 20/10/2020 12:42

"l'm not being funny, but if you're very overweight or obese, can you cut down on how much you eat? Then you can shop in normal shops."

Yeh OP, maybe if you weren't so fat your husband wouldn't be financially abusive. Oops, forgot to add "I'm not being funny" at the start there. Hmm

JalapenoDave · 20/10/2020 12:42

I don't have children - so I have nice clothes instead Grin

PickAChew · 20/10/2020 12:44

Wow, this thread has taken a twattish turn.

Emrae · 20/10/2020 13:28

@PickAChew agreed! What a bunch of bullies some people are. I hope the poster doesn’t now start blaming herself, one person asking if she can cut down on food to save- well that’s one way to ensure a person feels guilty for eating.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 20/10/2020 14:04

cologne4711

Something sounds very wrong

Yes, and if you bothered to RTFT or at least the OP’s updates, you would know what it is!

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2020 14:13

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

cologne4711

Something sounds very wrong

Yes, and if you bothered to RTFT or at least the OP’s updates, you would know what it is!

It’s not obvious at all. The fact the op doesn’t know the outgoings doesn’t mean it’s because he refuses to tell her, it could be she’s not asked him or shown interest. That she’s only questioning why she can’t have more now he’s earning more.

They have debt, she doesn’t seem to know, and we certainly don’t, how much that is, we don’t know how much the mortgage is, how much disposable income there is, and actually if there is any left to give the op.

The fact his wages have gone up doesn’t mean they have more money, it could be he was struggling with the debt snd spiralling and this money is being used to bring them up. Or he is trying to split it between saving and spending, and actually isn’t doing her wrong. Either way she needs to sit down and understand their finances, not just ask randoms on the Internet how she can buy more stuff without getting them into even more debt, which is what the question was.

TheHighwayman · 20/10/2020 14:59

I have learned to spend within my means. I refuse to get an overdraft or credit card - if that means going without some treats or a meal out one month then so be it.

SeasideBes1d3 · 20/10/2020 15:10

Why would you not keep an eye on the finances ?

I work & I can account for every penny
Bills
Savings/emergency
Pension
Charity
Hobbies, holidays, birthday, xmas
Other

Suggest you ask for access to see income & outgoings

It looks like taking your eyes off the family finances has not been in your favour

Money Saving Expert has some good tips

ssd · 20/10/2020 15:58

Totally agree with bluntness here.
As for the posters insisting the op is being financially abused, catch yourselves on. What about the op taking some responsibility for her cluelessness.

ssd · 20/10/2020 16:01

Also in her op, she states her dh earns just over 50k,then asks how people manage on low to mid earnings. 50k isn't low to mid earnings to me. Instead of all rushing to condemn her dh, I think the op needs a reality check first.

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