How do people afford to buy so much?

[Ilovexmastime35]

Aibu to be confused about where I'm going wrong?! Of course everyone's financial situation is different and for those earning well it is no problem paying out for clothes/shoes etc.
But for low - mid earners, how do you afford things? I see people on social media going out regularly, days out, holidays, clothes, city breaks, seaside trips, buying new technology etc. I know what jobs they do and they are not high earners. How are they doing this?

I want to treat my kids to a day out over half term. I've just looked at booking tickets to a local safari park for 2 adults 2 children. It comes to £145!!
I was looking at a local meet Santa on a train event, £80! We can't do it because if I bought those tickets I wouldn't have any money left for anything else for a month.
I think these prices are extortionate and for low-mid earners most people cannot afford these prices.

I need new clothes, boots and a coat desperately. I'm plus size so cannot shop at Primark. The cheapest I can find is a cardigan is priced £34.99. A coat over £59. I just cannot afford these things! My clothes have holes in and my shoes leak!

Im unable to work at the moment ,but my husband earns just over 50k. After all bills, food, fuel, we have about £200 disposal income to last a month. We don't drink, smoke, we don't eat out or socialise. Our money goes on the children and the house. There is never a penny left over for us.

I think in comparison to wages, most things are priced too high. I'm grateful we have a roof over our heads and can afford food but everthing else seems out of reach!. My husband is senior management, he can't earn any more than he does now. We are not frivolous at all. Any advice on how to afford these things apart from getting into debt?

[quote Bluntness100]**@Bluntness100 restricting access to money is financial abuse

I’m sorry but you need to read the definition of financial abuse. It is not if you don’t get full access to your spouses salary you’re being abused. Just type it into google.

And as for she should have full access, I’m so sick of people perpetuating this myth on here . Morally arguably yes, legally she has no right to his salary at all. None what so ever and in law there is no concept of family money. It is a myth invented on here.[/quote]
Do his own children not have any right to food and clothes funded by his money, then?

@ssd You can filter to just read the OPs comments now. Hundreds of people saying, 'I get cheap clothes from here..' or 'how on earth do you not have any money on that salary, I earn half and am fine' is so annoying!

The OP is getting financially abused by her partner, the thread has moved on.

@Ilovexmastime35

Thanks for all your comments. Haven't read every one yet as had 99 in the space of about 15 minutes!!

A bit more info to give you the reality of my situation.... I don't have access to our money. My husband gives me housekeeping each month to buy the food. I have nothing apart from that. He has the rest. I don't have access to it and I don't have a card to. It. So I do not know the exact figures. But he doesn't want me "wasting" his money. We've always been very low earners and he's only just recently started to earn this and he seems to want to not spend it on anything for me!! He will say I've already got clothes so don't need more for example.
Up until recently he was earning between 25 and 40k a month so we've been very used to living on much less. We've not been able to build up any savings yet.
I usually always use vouchers to take the kids to attractions but because of covid there doesn't seem to be any

This is completely different. I’d be fuming if mine said this. I’d be telling him fine, I will get a job while you pay and sort childcare!

You need to get a joint account or at least a card to have access to his bank account.

Refusing to and controlling how much money you can access and what you spend it on is Coercive control and against the law now.

Sorry Op. read the full thread. It would be extremely difficult to buy everything you need from £350 a month. Your husband needs to give more money than that. You definitely need a good conversation with him on this

Where you are 'going wrong' as you put it is your husband is being financially abusive, it's nothing you're doing. But he's making you live on a pittance.

Child maintenance on a £50k salary for 2 children would be £636.79 a month. Let that sink in.

I am enraged on your behalf that he is treating you like this. You don't treat someone you love like a beggar! You're either equals in a partnership or you're not, he's made it very clear you're not in his eyes.

Leave, you'll suddenly find you can afford a coat and shoes and a few nice treats out with your kids.

If I needed new clothes I would fund them myself by any means.. extra hours at work, eBay, anything.. I'd never let anyone else pay for my clothes. And as said.. I do work with chronic illness. It's tough but I will never be financially dependent on any man and never have been (I'm nearly 50).
I hope you can find some independence OP and get away from this controlling man, but find some control for yourself

As Vikings said.. leave.... more money!

primark do big sizes

I think child allowance stops if one of you earns £50k so you might not have this soon either. I think you need to get advice if you can get any financial help if you can’t work as it sounds tough at the moment

And as for she should have full access, I’m so sick of people perpetuating this myth on here . Morally arguably yes, legally she has no right to his salary at all. None what so ever and in law there is no concept of family money. It is a myth invented on here.

I agree that a wife doesn't have the right to acsess her husbands wage any time she wants. I can't acsess my husbands wage. I'm certainly not financially abused. It's up to each family to do what is right for them.

But, if you can't work, or it's agree you will be a sahm, and you can't acsess benefits due to your partners wage, then he does have a responsibility to support you. If he didn't have a legal responsibility to support you, then you should be able to claim benefits. But you can't, because its up to your spouse to pay for your living expenses.

If he refuse to do so, as the op dh has, it is financial abuse.

I have a wardrobe of expensive cashmere and high end high street clothes. 95% of it is second hand.

I drive a nice car but it’s 8 years old. I bought it right out. No brand new hp.

I brought my phone right out and got a cheap sim only deal.

@Nancydowns

And as for she should have full access, I’m so sick of people perpetuating this myth on here . Morally arguably yes, legally she has no right to his salary at all. None what so ever and in law there is no concept of family money. It is a myth invented on here.

I agree that a wife doesn't have the right to acsess her husbands wage any time she wants. I can't acsess my husbands wage. I'm certainly not financially abused. It's up to each family to do what is right for them.

But, if you can't work, or it's agree you will be a sahm, and you can't acsess benefits due to your partners wage, then he does have a responsibility to support you. If he didn't have a legal responsibility to support you, then you should be able to claim benefits. But you can't, because its up to your spouse to pay for your living expenses.

If he refuse to do so, as the op dh has, it is financial abuse.

What if, like OP, you can’t work 'at the moment’ (read: the last ten years) due to mobility issues caused by being obese? Is there an imperative on her to change her situation, especially now that he children are in school? What we would say if the situation was reversed?

Spends where you live- are you in London? If yes 3k a month won’t go far including a house payment. If you’re not I think there is something fishy about the “200” left a month. Why do you question him on his speaking? Ask to go through the bills with a fine tooth comb and question every purchase? He’s not the lord of the land.

Depends*

I think child allowance stops if one of you earns £50k

Child Benefit reduces by 1% for every £100 earned over £50k and stops at £60k. However it can still be paid in full to the OP and be reclaimed from her DH with his tax.

@RUOKHon

The answer is that people can afford to buy these things because they’re not being financially abused by their partners

This

OP. I wrote that I was shocked you allowed him to do this to you. I apologise if I worded it badly. What I meant is that I felt fury on your behalf at the way you are being treated but I understand he must have worn down your resistance over the years. This is no way to live. I hope you get the courage to stand up to this bully. I also understand about the clothes. Matalan, Very, Asda and other supermarkets now do plus sized clothes and look online too. Hope things work out for you.

Redolent
What if, like OP, you can’t work 'at the moment’ (read: the last ten years) due to mobility issues caused by being obese
No: she is obese due to mobility problems.

ssd people might at least read the OP’s posts before deciding to pitch into a long thread.

OP:
If i ask him for money to get a hair cut or a coat etc (which I don't ask for) he will give it to me. He's never refused me anything really. But he makes me feel like he doesn't want to to ask. I feel guilty for asking

Get into the habit of asking. Treat it like a budget (it is a budget) . “Over the next 3 months Dc will need new shoes and a new winter coat for the eldest, I need 2 cardigans and winter boots. You need a new xxx to wear fir work and the car needs servicing. We need to allow an extra £xxx between now and the end of December “.

I can understand you must feel very low having developed mobility problems and lost what you feel is your independence in your marriage due to loss of earning.

But you do childcare, you contribute, you are a family.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

Mobility and obesity are of course interlinked in their cause and effect. Being obese is not a default consequence of limited mobility, particularly as OP said that she comfort eats. She also makes it clear that she can’t work ‘right now’, suggesting that this is a state of affairs that needn’t be permanently inhibiting, but without giving any sense of how she plans to change the situation.

Like I said, if it was a man with children in full time school, who said he can’t work due to mobility issues, both caused by and further reinforcing his obesity, people would be jumping all over him suggesting alternative options.

First of all...low earners will be topped up by tax credits and child benefit to a degree.

Secondly if you can’t live comfortably on 50k with a 3 grand a month take home then you are living extravagantly! Somewhere along the way something is costing you more than it should. Do you have a big house with a large mortgage?
Our monthly income is around the same as yours and we went on 3 holidays this year, Florida the year before. I shop at aldi and primark mostly for clothes although occasionally I’ll buy gap and next jeans for the kids. My car is old but owned outright so no finance. Very little credit card debt and no loans or other debt.

Okay...so the conversation moved on a bit...sorry-my bad.

I am really horrified at some of the nastiness towards the op.

She has a health problem that affects her mobility. (Likely if it stops her working then it is more than just affecting her mobility)

She overeats due her mental/emotional state because of the above.

Yes the op could tackle her over eating but how much support is she getting for the mental/emotional issues that need tackling first???? If losing weight was easy we wouldn't have an obesity epidemic! There is a MASSIVE link between depression/self worth and sabotaging yourself.

Just imagine what it's like to unexpectedly lose your health to the extent you can no longer work, your supposed loving partner treats you as not so worthy as deserving clothes that fit you?? Imagine living with someone controlling and financially abusive, imagine what that does to your self worth???

Some people have no compassion!

The op needs support to see she is worth more and she does deserve to be loved, she does deserve a partner who treats her as an equal. With the right things in place it would be far easier for her to tackle her over eating! Imagine what it's like to try and do that and end up in hospital...

Also try eating healthily a family of 4 for less than £200 per month (remember her allocation includes cleaning stuff, fuel, phone, anything the DC want to do etc). That's difficult it means cooking from scratch with inexpensive beans and pulses and so on.

I think changing yourself whilst living with a partner that treats you like it near impossible. I hope the op finds the mental strength to start tackling things.

Possibly the ops husband is intentionally keeping money from her to encourage her to get a job and earn some money herself?
Everyone likes to scream 'abuse' in these situations, whereas if it was reversed they'd be asking why doesn't the dh lose weight and try to get a job?

Well said RandomMess.

OP, it's a shame you posted in AIBU, as I think you would have got fewer nasty replies and more supportive ones in Relationships. Perhaps you could consider getting this thread moved or starting a new thread there.