Did you/would you have a baby in your late 30's/40's

[DontCallMeShirley84]

Hi,

I'm 36 and I had my first in my early 20's. Not in that relationship anymore and am now married to DP of 8 years and are considering more DC.

I'm worried that because we would probably want more than one more, we might be starting too late. Plus I often wonder whether or not I should just be thankful with what I have and also that we'll have our freedom back quite young, which in some ways is very appealing and in others is quite scary and sad.

I am massively broody, there's no denying. Not in a going gooey over babies kind of way, but more just that something feels missing and when I see bigger families out together, I'm jealous. Even with all the chaos. I don't feel complete.

We would need to go down the fertility clinic route, so it's not as easy for us for reasons I'd rather not go into, but it could easily take a while for it to happen for us, so could easily be in 40's by the time number 2 came along. If we were lucky enough to be successful, that is.

Anyway, I was just wondering how common it is these days for women to have DC in their late 30's, early 40's.

I'm also a bit concerned about my first DC worrying that they won't have much of a relationship with their sibling/s, as they'll likely be off to uni by the time they're on the scene. I do understand that.

YABU= Just crack on, it's not an issue.
YANBU= It isn't a good idea, just be thankful for what you have.

TIA

I had my first at 29, second at 30 and am now trying to conceive again and am 34. I had told my dh it was the last chance saloon as I have no desire for a big age gap (obviously depends on how long it takes to conceive). My cut off is 36 as dh is 8 years older and is concerned about being an old dad and I do not wish to keep putting my body through sections.

The trend does show that women are older when having babies so nothing stopping you at late 30s or 40s. Yes the risks do increase with age but keeping yourself fit helps as does having a positive outlook on life. Parents of young children do usually feel tired but balancing young children and work can be exhausting. It doesn't last forever, they get older and eventually you do get more sleep. You would also have the advantage that there would only be one child to focus upon as your older child is largely independent and won't need you in the same way.

My main concern when trying to conceive was rather more selfish and with regards to having to do the baby stage again. Mine are both at preschool (been out of nappies for ages) and I have two mornings a week to myself. We do not rely on family for childcare so this is really the only time I have to myself and I will be giving that up for another three years.

There is a 10 year gap between my youngest sister and I and we get on like a house on fire. At a 19 or potentially 20 year age gap I don't think your other child will be particularly close to his sibling but you know him best. What are his thoughts and would they impact on your decision? Plus ivf does take a huge toll, mentally, physically and financially, only you know if it is worth it. Best of luck.

*his or her thoughts? Don't think you mention what sex your older child is!

Had ds when I was 36, didn’t feel too old at all.

I had mine at 35 and 37. Totally normal round here to start mid 30s and have 2 in quick succession. None of my friends had a child before 30.

Its very common to have kids at that age. I personally wouldn't because I had my first at 18, second at 23 and now the third at 30. I don't want to spend my whole life raising kids. I thought I was done at 2.

A woman I used to work with had her first at 41 and is pregnant with her third at 45. She spent her thirties building up her career. No fertility issues that I'm aware of.

Hi I had 4 children in my 20's and my last when I was 41 .. thi did not affect my career or Life really , in fact I was more financially stable , calmer and chilled . No complications worked right up to a week before I had my son .. he weighed 9.12 healthy ...

My sister had twins at 50

Wow, wasn't expecting such a response!

Thanks for all the replies and sorry for the delay in replying. Some really interesting points made. A lot of food for thought, that's for sure.

To those wondering why we've left it so late, for a long time we had almost decided we were good, just us 3, plus DP was really concentrating on their career and financially, we weren't where we wanted to be before starting to increase our family. We now are and I'm lucky enough that I wouldn't need to work if we did have more DC and DP now works remotely so will be available much more. I don't mean while they're working! I mean they won't have that long commute, so once they've finished, they can be very much hands on.

I'm not so concerned about tiredness etc (she says now ) Tbh, I think my main concern actually is my DC. They're very sensitive and I think it would upset them not to have that close sibling bond, where they grow up together. They did always want that, so I feel a bit like having a sibling in their teens might actually hurt more than not having one at all iyswim (?)

When I think about potentially having an empty nest in 4 or 5 years, I get panicky and incredibly sad. I just don't feel ready, but if us going ahead and having more DC would have a negative impact on my DC, then perhaps I'm being selfish...

I had my last at 37 and definitely did not feel 'over the hill'. I think anything up to 42/41 is fine judging by what my friends have done. Later is not wrong but too old for me.

I married at 35. Had DS when I was 36.5!!!
Go for it.

Thing is, we probably wouldn't want to try until next year and I'll be 37 next spring and my DC will be 14!

Same @EmmaJR1 . Had my first at 38 and 2nd at 39. They are now just turned 2 and about to turn 1 and I'm in a constant state of exhaustion! Only having a 12 month age gap probably hasn't helped. They are lovely boys though, but I'm worried that I'm just too tired to enjoy them as much as I'd like.

I had an emergency c section with my first and elective with my 2nd and have had nerve issues with my hands and wrists ever since having my second my, possibly due to the epidural. Medication doesn't help, and the constant pain and subsequent nightmares from the meds mean I'm not always at my best unfortunately. Had my chap not had the snip though, I'd have probably ended up with one more, even though I know it would have been crazy to do so!!

I personally wouldn’t but when I’m in my 40s dp will be in his mid 50’s. We’re having our two now! I have a 8 month old and am 12 weeks pregnant as he does not want any children after the age of 40. Obviously if we split up I might have one with someone else but I very much like the idea of not having any more babies after this one. I want to go back to work and focus on my career. Most women I’ve encountered who have babies later just don’t bother going back to work at all especially if they have two and I really enjoy going to work. But go for it op 36 isn’t old at all and you might be content with just one!

Being older parent will seem fine while they are toddlers. But I wouldn’t want teenagers when I’m getting on for 60.

I also had Dc1 in early 20s, split and largely brought her up alone. I met dp at age 40 and really wanted more children and had twins at 42. So no, you're not starting too late!