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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did you/would you have a baby in your late 30's/40's

140 replies

DontCallMeShirley84 · 18/10/2020 15:57

Hi,

I'm 36 and I had my first in my early 20's. Not in that relationship anymore and am now married to DP of 8 years and are considering more DC.

I'm worried that because we would probably want more than one more, we might be starting too late. Plus I often wonder whether or not I should just be thankful with what I have and also that we'll have our freedom back quite young, which in some ways is very appealing and in others is quite scary and sad.

I am massively broody, there's no denying. Not in a going gooey over babies kind of way, but more just that something feels missing and when I see bigger families out together, I'm jealous. Even with all the chaos. I don't feel complete.

We would need to go down the fertility clinic route, so it's not as easy for us for reasons I'd rather not go into, but it could easily take a while for it to happen for us, so could easily be in 40's by the time number 2 came along. If we were lucky enough to be successful, that is.

Anyway, I was just wondering how common it is these days for women to have DC in their late 30's, early 40's.

I'm also a bit concerned about my first DC worrying that they won't have much of a relationship with their sibling/s, as they'll likely be off to uni by the time they're on the scene. I do understand that.

YABU= Just crack on, it's not an issue.
YANBU= It isn't a good idea, just be thankful for what you have.

TIA

OP posts:
SoloMummy · 18/10/2020 20:58

@DontCallMeShirley84

Hi,

I'm 36 and I had my first in my early 20's. Not in that relationship anymore and am now married to DP of 8 years and are considering more DC.

I'm worried that because we would probably want more than one more, we might be starting too late. Plus I often wonder whether or not I should just be thankful with what I have and also that we'll have our freedom back quite young, which in some ways is very appealing and in others is quite scary and sad.

I am massively broody, there's no denying. Not in a going gooey over babies kind of way, but more just that something feels missing and when I see bigger families out together, I'm jealous. Even with all the chaos. I don't feel complete.

We would need to go down the fertility clinic route, so it's not as easy for us for reasons I'd rather not go into, but it could easily take a while for it to happen for us, so could easily be in 40's by the time number 2 came along. If we were lucky enough to be successful, that is.

Anyway, I was just wondering how common it is these days for women to have DC in their late 30's, early 40's.

I'm also a bit concerned about my first DC worrying that they won't have much of a relationship with their sibling/s, as they'll likely be off to uni by the time they're on the scene. I do understand that.

YABU= Just crack on, it's not an issue.
YANBU= It isn't a good idea, just be thankful for what you have.

TIA

Depending on the reasons for the need for fertility treatment may impact on the chances of success.

I had fertility treatment. I knew I wanted to ttc at 36. My lo wasn't born until I was 39.

Was it the right decision? Absolutely the best decision I have ever made. However the journey was incredibly emotional. And expensive.

If you already have a child, then you'll be paying fully for the treatment too. Can you afford that?
Are you able to afford possibly multiple cycles? 3 to 6 isbt unusual for a live birth and even then some don't manage it after 12.

Are you able to accept that you may have spent potentially 20 to 30 k and not have a baby? Regret not putting the money into your son?

That's not me being negative, just that it has to be a consideration and part of the reason I didn't try for a second.

Good luck.

bengalcat · 18/10/2020 20:59

I was and still are focussed on my career / had mine at 37 and 39 .

monkeyonthetable · 18/10/2020 20:59

I had DC at 38/39. No issues. Best decision ever.

bengalcat · 18/10/2020 20:59

Still am focussed

Montsti · 18/10/2020 21:01

I had my 4th and final at 41..

AlwaysLatte · 18/10/2020 21:02

NB it's more common than you think. There were several women about my age in my NCT class when I was 36 and pregnant with #1 and some a couple of years older. None were in their 20s - Going by that, my children's schools and friends I would say 30s are definitely more common than 20s, by a long way.

Montsti · 18/10/2020 21:03

The only reason that I was/am more exhausted in my 40s is that no.4 still doesn’t sleep through and she has just turned 3😩😩

Dartsplayer · 18/10/2020 21:04

I had DS at 36 and DTDs at 39

Legoandloldolls · 18/10/2020 21:06

I had my last at 40. I dont regret it. The others was 10,6 and two.

Once past a certain age over 40 the odds start being against you. I wouldnt hang about as 38 is world away from 43 for example in fertility terms

Newmumatlast · 18/10/2020 21:06

Alot of people are commenting on being exhausted but I would say it depends on the person and also you might just be exhausted anyway. I'm personally pleased, in hindsight, that it ended up happening later for me. Career, relationship and assets all in a much better place and m pregnancy was super easy. Tired but not bad. I much prefer not socialising as much now compared to if I'd missed out in teens or 20s. I know if you start younger you finish younger but you're always a parent imo so arent exactly finished to do whatever you like as such. I also dont think it's the same as being entirely free in your 20s.

Megan2018 · 18/10/2020 21:08

I had my first (and only) DD at 41.

Indoctro · 18/10/2020 21:08

21 years between my nephew and his sister

Mum was 21 and 42 , she perfectly happy and my nephew is great with his little sister , doesn't bother him at all that said he had lived with his mum for years. So only sees her when he visits

TheNortherner · 18/10/2020 21:09

Each to their own, but i had one at 37 and the other at 38. I was very active before having kids but with work and two young ones I found it draining. Their dad did little with them even though they were planned and he checked out of the relationship mentally and then physically as the world no longer revolved around him. Don't underestimate the effect it will have on your relationship. As a single parent i am looking forward now to the time where the children are a bit more independent and I have a bit more freedom. Best of luck.

passthemustard · 18/10/2020 21:12

I'm 43 next week and my DD1 is 19 next week and has just started uni.

I'm due a baby at Xmas. I'm terrified and excited in equal measure.

ExpectingToFly · 18/10/2020 21:13

I would go for it but make sure you have support. Me and my husband dont have any help with our 3. Were old and knackered and the buck stops with us Sad I know one day it wont be so relentless and exhausting but it seems so far away Sad

GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea · 18/10/2020 21:20

I had my youngest at 37, so yes!

Smellybluecheese · 18/10/2020 21:26

I was 41 when I had my DD. No problems, all straight forward. She didn’t sleep for years so we were knackered, but that was the lack of sleep rather than age. She’s a very lovely 6 year old now and we wouldn’t be without her. Am not the oldest mum in the playground either! There are a few of us oldies.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 18/10/2020 21:57

I was 35 and 38 when I gave birth to my two (although only a couple of months off my birthday each time).

We tried hard for the first for a few years before she arrived - we were on the verge of seeking help when I fell pregnant. I would have pursued IVF if needed.

We were so pleased with our first being happy and healthy that although we would have liked a second, I would probably not have put myself through IVF if it didn’t happen “naturally”. We also said we wouldn’t keep trying past 39/40, as we were lucky to have one and I wouldn’t risk either mine or another baby’s health - although I suspect if we didn’t already have one I would have maybe pushed that age limit. Again though, it happened naturally but after a long time of trying.

Both pregnancies and labours were fine, but I found my second pregnancy so much harder. Not sure if that was because I was also running round after a two year old, because I was older, or both.

I suspect you’d find it harder than your first, as you’ll be older and it’s hard going back to the beginning when you’re just starting to get parts of your life back (it was for us and it’s a relatively small gap, but we were just getting evenings to ourselves, full nights sleep etc).

I also did a genetics degree so was well aware of the increased risks associated with pregnancies over 40. I might have risked it if I’d been childless but we didn’t feel we should, taking into account the impact any issues would have on our family. To some people it’s worth the risk but to others it’s not. Some people can also cope better than others.

I think it’s a difficult one for you. It’s a very personal decision and there are risks with older pregnancies, both in terms of health risks but also the impact a young baby will have on your existing children and lifestyle. For every tale where it works out, I’m sure there’ll be others that don’t. You Obviously need to decide what is best for your family. Perhaps look at all the downsides and decide if you’d be able to cope with a worst case scenario. I know that’s quite pessimistic, but to me it’s pointless to pretend they don’t exist.

MondeoFan · 18/10/2020 22:16

I had a baby at 43 we are 48 and 5 now. I find it mostly exhausting but great at the same time, I do work 30 hours a week plus have a dog and a teenager too.
I'm happy with my decision though, to have had another before it's too late. I didn't want to just have the one child but would have accepted it if that was my fate

wishywashywoowoo70 · 18/10/2020 22:17

38 having my DD

Bid876 · 18/10/2020 23:21

I had mine at 36, 38 & 41. No complications with my age. I was worried at first but I was reassured that women have babies well into their 40s.

GarlicSoup · 18/10/2020 23:25

Sorry accidentally pressed YANBU when I mean the opposite. Wishing you well OP I had my DC at 38 and 40 and am so glad I had them when I did.

BigBrows · 18/10/2020 23:27

I'm 36. Youngest child is 3 in feb. No way would I go back and do 0-2 year again! Give me a 2 year old and I'd have another 2 at least Grin

stopgap · 18/10/2020 23:57

I had mine at 34 and 36 and where I live most first time parents are 32-40. It’s extremely rare to have a child in your twenties.

Tigger85 · 19/10/2020 00:16

I have been trying to have a family since I was 28, I had my first son via IVF at 32, I have tried multiple times since and lost two babies, one at 7/8 weeks, one at 26+3. I just turned 35 so I am going to be completing my family in my late 30s if it ever happens now. We only have one more chance, we can't take on anymore debt for IVF.