Did you/would you have a baby in your late 30's/40's

[DontCallMeShirley84]

Hi,

I'm 36 and I had my first in my early 20's. Not in that relationship anymore and am now married to DP of 8 years and are considering more DC.

I'm worried that because we would probably want more than one more, we might be starting too late. Plus I often wonder whether or not I should just be thankful with what I have and also that we'll have our freedom back quite young, which in some ways is very appealing and in others is quite scary and sad.

I am massively broody, there's no denying. Not in a going gooey over babies kind of way, but more just that something feels missing and when I see bigger families out together, I'm jealous. Even with all the chaos. I don't feel complete.

We would need to go down the fertility clinic route, so it's not as easy for us for reasons I'd rather not go into, but it could easily take a while for it to happen for us, so could easily be in 40's by the time number 2 came along. If we were lucky enough to be successful, that is.

Anyway, I was just wondering how common it is these days for women to have DC in their late 30's, early 40's.

I'm also a bit concerned about my first DC worrying that they won't have much of a relationship with their sibling/s, as they'll likely be off to uni by the time they're on the scene. I do understand that.

YABU= Just crack on, it's not an issue.
YANBU= It isn't a good idea, just be thankful for what you have.

TIA

I had DC1 at 34, DC2 recently at 36 and would love to have a DC3 at 38 or 39 if all goes well. I wouldn’t be put off by your age - I have been fine with both so far, no issues and not unduly struggling with tiredness etc. Can’t comment on the age gap though...good luck!

You'll meet lots of older mums. But, I was 34 when I had my first (and only) and now, only 2 years later, I would really struggle with tiredness if I were to have a second to deal with. It depends, for me, what your other responsibilities are e.g. does DP have kids who stay part of the week, do you have a job that you would have to go back full time.

@silverfonze

Personally j wouldn't I had 3 between 25-29

Shocked at how tired and non active my friends with babies / toddlers are who are late 30s now. So so much more tiring to do it at this age.

Many packing up careers etc just can't manage it whereas I was a bit tied but just carried on in mid 20s same as other people I know same age.

Seems to kill people's night life and looks in late 30s.

I think the problem there is with your friends, it's perfectly normal to be able to carry on an active life and have children in your 30s and 40s. What a strange world you must live in, does everyone you come across have some kind of health problems that stops them living normal lives?

We’re thinking about one more, and I would be 39 probably. In my head I don’t want to have one at 40, but I don’t have a good reason for that.

I’m not anticipating being knackered - the last one I had I was 34, and I’ve continued working a high pressure job throughout, and I busy and I get tired, but in no way is it overwhelming or so awful it would make me not do it. And my youngest 2 aren’t good sleepers 🤷🏻‍♀️ But I am fit and maybe that helps?

The only thing that does give me pause is the fact that the chance of random mutations/ health issues for the baby do go up with age, and maybe I’ve had my luck and I should quit while I’m ahead. Not very helpful, sorry...

One of my close friends had her first 2 at 18 &19 and the 3rd and 4th at ...39 and 42 I think she was. She said she actually coped better with the latter two; she was more financially stable, more patient and was much fitter. She was pretty overweight when we were younger compared to now, she's a gym bunny. She said that the only regret she has is not having them all together, whether that was all 4 in her teens/early 20s or all of them late 30s/early 40s.

YABU but I would do it now OP. Also consider you might just have the 1 more.

I was 24 when I had DS. I’m now late 20s now and I’m not sure I will have anymore if I don’t have any before 35.

I had DS1(4) at 36 and DS2 (17 months) at 39. DH and I have been together for 21 years, married for 9. It's worked well for us. I think the age is just a number (within reason!!)

Blimey - I know loads of people who started having kids at 36.
They are active, have careers, no issues whatsoever.

I had a baby in my early 40s - no problems at all.

You're not too old at all! I had my second at 34, but if it took longer to conceive her/we'd decided we wanted a third, I would've been perfectly fine with having a baby at your age or older. Obviously your older DC won't have a typical growing up together sibling relationship with the new baby, but that's no reason not to have another as they're unlikely to miss out on something they would've otherwise had. The only thing I would consider is whether your older DC will be able to get some privacy - revising for GCSEs and/or A Levels will be a lot harder with a screaming baby.

I had two in my mid 20s. I had my last baby this year when I was 40 (although it wasn't planned).
I would say that this pregnancy was absolutely horrendous and baby had to be born early but of course that doesn't mean it'll be the same for you.
It's a very personal decision and if it's what you both want I think you should go ahead.

First child, yes. More children late 30s - 40s, never.
At that life stage, I would be expecting some sort of freedom, comfort and rest.

Between 37 and 41 I had 3

I had my one and only at 32. I'm now 38 and although I briefly considered another earlier this year, I've decided against it.

I'm too tired, can't cope with lack of sleep, enjoy a slither of freedom, no tantrums, career and more money. I also wouldn't want to dedicate all of my 30's & 40's to raising young kids. Late 50's by the time they're all grown up? No thanks.

So, I would be happy with what I had but I also have a husband who feels the same way I do. If he desperately wanted more, that would complicate things.

If it was your first, then I'd say possibly go for it. I personally have a 'not after 35 rule' as I've known quite a few older parents to have children with additional needs. However, I'm sure that's a risk you're aware of.

It's the fact you already have a child that is my thought here. From your OP, I'm assuming they're already a preteen if not older. Would they be happy with a baby sibling when they're in their teenage years? Not many teens would be absolutely thrilled with the idea, especially if they're expected to babysit and such along with hormones and the stress of school at this age.

A lot depends on your general health and fitness as to how well you will cope with it.

I was just turned 36 when I had DC, but I only had the one due to my health and my age. I only met XH when I was 30, so I didn't leave it late by choice, it was just how life happened.

XH cleared off 4 years later leaving me to bring DC up on my own and it's been hard work. I would not have been a single parent by choice and never expected that he would walk out on us.

I know someone who left it until she was 40 before she started trying, then had a couple of miscarriages and is childless at 50. She bitterly regrets not having children at a much younger age.

If it was your first I’d say go for it, no reason not to but personally I really enjoy my life at this age and wouldn’t want to start over and go back to nappies and no sleep etc. You said you feel like something is missing though and I think that’s the key here.

One at 36, lost one and another at 39. Don't regret waiting at all. I'd have resented missing out on gigs, work and travel if l'd had them earlier but by my mid 30s l'd chilled out a bit. Both at uni now so socially things were picking up nicely before blooming Covid. I'd go for it - l have several friends with big age gaps between their kids and no-one seems to have a problem with it ...

Kids at 35, 37 and 38! Three under three at one point.

They're now 3, 5 and 6 and things are getting easier.

I had my first aged 38 so I had a chance to be selfish, travel lots and live my life before settling down with children. If you've had children in your 20s surely once they are older it's your time to pursue your own non motherhood related ambitions in life? So if you were starting your family I'd say go for it, but in your position I wouldn't want to be starting all over again. But if it feels like the right thing for you to do then the opinions of strangers on the internet isn't really relevant :)

Completely normal in my friendship group- I was 36 and 40, others range from mid 30's to mid- 40's

I think its personal choice and if you are happy and healthy go for it. I had my youngest at 34 and personally I know I wouldnt cope with the anxiety and tiredness now I'm in my early 40s. But you might x

Had first at 35 and second on the way and I'm 37. I personally wouldn't wait much longer if I had a choice because it's tiring and I have more aches and pains this time round

Ive just found out I’m 5 weeks pregnant!
Totally unexpected, I’m 40 and have a 17 year old son!
So I say go for it

LOVED being an older first time mum. Still love it now. Thought I was going to feel old, but I was, in fact, one of many. I was 36 - great age and younger than Meghan Markle!

Anyway, I was just wondering how common it is these days for women to have DC in their late 30's, early 40's.

Perfectly normal, though somewhat locale-dependent. I was 39, almost 40, and bang on average for my north London NCT group of first timers. However, at the GP surgery in a much less prosperous area where I saw my midwife, I was on average 18 to 20 years older than the other first-time mothers -- the grandmothers-to-be waiting with their pregnant daughters were my age.

Perfectly straightforward pregnancy and birth, and a healthy DS.

But that's not what you're actually asking, is it? In your shoes, with a child becoming independent, I'd be very reluctant to impinge on my own freedom again.