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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did you/would you have a baby in your late 30's/40's

140 replies

DontCallMeShirley84 · 18/10/2020 15:57

Hi,

I'm 36 and I had my first in my early 20's. Not in that relationship anymore and am now married to DP of 8 years and are considering more DC.

I'm worried that because we would probably want more than one more, we might be starting too late. Plus I often wonder whether or not I should just be thankful with what I have and also that we'll have our freedom back quite young, which in some ways is very appealing and in others is quite scary and sad.

I am massively broody, there's no denying. Not in a going gooey over babies kind of way, but more just that something feels missing and when I see bigger families out together, I'm jealous. Even with all the chaos. I don't feel complete.

We would need to go down the fertility clinic route, so it's not as easy for us for reasons I'd rather not go into, but it could easily take a while for it to happen for us, so could easily be in 40's by the time number 2 came along. If we were lucky enough to be successful, that is.

Anyway, I was just wondering how common it is these days for women to have DC in their late 30's, early 40's.

I'm also a bit concerned about my first DC worrying that they won't have much of a relationship with their sibling/s, as they'll likely be off to uni by the time they're on the scene. I do understand that.

YABU= Just crack on, it's not an issue.
YANBU= It isn't a good idea, just be thankful for what you have.

TIA

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 18/10/2020 19:41

@silverfonze

Personally j wouldn't I had 3 between 25-29

Shocked at how tired and non active my friends with babies / toddlers are who are late 30s now. So so much more tiring to do it at this age.

Many packing up careers etc just can't manage it whereas I was a bit tied but just carried on in mid 20s same as other people I know same age.

Seems to kill people's night life and looks in late 30s.

I think that says a lot about your friends to be honest. I'm 57, I have an 11 month old and a 6 month old living with me (and a very sick partner) and I still manage to have the energy to live the same life I have for years, in fact the babies give me a zest for life that was missing before they came to stay. I have far more patience with the babies I have now than I did with my birth children and I think I am probably a better foster parent than I am birth parent (although my kids disagree).
Uptheshard · 18/10/2020 19:49

Go for it Wink had mine at 38 and 40. I now 49 and sort of have my life back despite being single parent....

Tumbleweed101 · 18/10/2020 19:53

I'm early 40's and my eldest is 22 and my youngest 11. I wouldn't have any more children now and don't feel broody for more like I did when I was in my 20's. The idea of starting from scratch just exhausts me lol.

All that said, I'm very much looking forward to grandchildren when they come along (although not on the cards yet).

Waveysnail · 18/10/2020 19:55

Why did you wait 8 years to discuss it? (Nosey)

mistermagpie · 18/10/2020 20:04

I'm 40 now and I had my children at 35, 36 and 39. I don't feel old or look old compared to the other mums in the school/nursery playground so I've always felt like I'm around the average. People go on about being 'knackered' when they are older and I think this is really sad, I'm only 40! I can (and do) run ten miles a couple of times a week and still feel fit and energetic, despite having three young children, a job and being the age I am.

Never in a million years would I have wanted or had a baby in my twenties. So it's really individual, and nobody can advise in the end.

Aria2015 · 18/10/2020 20:08

I've just had my second at nearly 39. Pregnancy was definitely harder than my first pregnancy at 33. I definitely felt it physically. More aches and pains and more tired. So far the newborn stage though has been about the same. I was worried I'd find it exhausting being that bit older but it's actually fine. I don't find it any worse (dare I say I find it a bit easier even!?) than when I had my first.

NeverAMillionMilesAway · 18/10/2020 20:15

I'm 35 and not met a potential father to any children I may have yet. I have set a cut off of 40 years before I accept no children.
So I think it massively depends on your circumstances.

RenegadeMrs · 18/10/2020 20:30

I had fertility issues and needed IVF so had mine later than planned. 1st at 33 and 2nd 3 months ago at 36. I was absolutly knacked for the 2nd pregnancy, even though I had complications with the first and the 2nd was straigh forward. I don't know if I should attribute that to being older, already having a 3 year old or covid having an impact on general wellbeing. Probably all 3. I don't want any more, but I know plenty of parents in the late 30s range.

DP has a sister 20 years yonger than him (from a 2nd marriage) they have a good relationship but it is not close as you might expect.

You've had one before so you know what to expect on the baby front. You need to weigh up the pros and cons of not just the baby but the emotional toll of fertility treatment and decide if you want to put yourself through it all without the guarantee of a baby at the end. IVF can be an all consuming rollercoaster that could take up years of time and thousands of pounds.

Clevs · 18/10/2020 20:37

I had my son when I was 39. I'm now 42 and won't be having any more because my husband is almost 54 and says he's too old. Our son hasn't been hard work and not the best sleeper so he feels he can't go through it all again. He also doesn't want to be thought of as grandad at the school gates.

I'm undecided but if I was a few years younger I'd probably go for a second. Even if I conceive straightaway I'll be 43 when the baby is born. I also had two miscarriages before our son and not sure I want to take the risk of that happening again.

Clevs · 18/10/2020 20:38

Just to add I had an easy pregnancy at 39 too.

DressingGown · 18/10/2020 20:38

37 and 41 for mine. 44 now. whilst I don’t have older dc to compare, yeah I’m knackered, but I wouldn’t change a thing. (Unless DC2 fancies taking up sleeping, of course).

Snowmonster · 18/10/2020 20:40

I'd say crack on but I havent experienced IVF.
I had 3 in my 30's and had number 4 at 44 and don't feel any more knackered than I did before I had him.
I feel more confident, relaxed and the pregnancy was a lot less stressful. I just enjoyed it more and love having the time and financial security i have being an older mum.

Karwomannghia · 18/10/2020 20:43

Had mine at 29, 30 and 40. My one at 30 was the hardest in terms of pain during pregnancy and having 2 close together was exhausting. Having my one at 40 pregnancy fine didn’t have pelvic pain again, Labour was long and she was back to back but had a lovely water birth.
She’s been an absolute joy and the older 2 are wonderful with her. It will be sad when they go but it’s just another chapter and I’ll be so glad to have her at home still.
Do it!

ContadoraExplorer · 18/10/2020 20:45

First at 35, no complications during pregnancy although failed induction and EMCS in the end. Actively TTC 2nd. If I were pregnant now (in TWW) I would be 37 when I gave birth. Neither myself not DH were ready earlier so I don't regret waiting

cjpark · 18/10/2020 20:47

I don't think its uncommon at all to have DC aged late 30's /40's now. I wouldn't count on the DC having a close relationship if one is off to uni though.
I wouldn't want to do it but that doesn't mean you couldn't. I had my dc aged 27 and 29, they are now teenagers. I'm finding this stage tougher mentally than I thought - exam stress, boyfriends, social media, late nights etc. So much easier when you could put them down for a nap!

maddiemookins16mum · 18/10/2020 20:49

My only child (DD now 16) was conceived in a lovely hotel in Lisbon on my 40th birthday after too much white port.

gumball37 · 18/10/2020 20:50

First at 25 from now ex husband. Had daughter (using donor sperm) at 35 and son (same way) at 37. No regrets. 🤷

hypochondriacseveywhere · 18/10/2020 20:51

Walking into the playground at school (precovid) there was more older parents than younger. If you want a baby go for it. I had mine at 25,27 and 30 and I find it hard now at 35 even though they aren't young children anymore lol.

FilthyforFirth · 18/10/2020 20:51

Had my first at 32 and second due next month when I am 35. Personally 35 was my cut off and I wouldnt want any past that age. But I appreciate I was able to have mine a bit earlier than others might.

I am bloody knackered already being heavily pregnant and looking after a 3 year old. I can only imagine how much more tired I would be if I was any older.

MaryShelley1818 · 18/10/2020 20:51

I had DS at 39 and due DD in January at 42.
No issues whatsoever although did take us longer to conceive the 2nd time.

I'm very fit, spend all my free time running around, playing with and taking DS on holidays and days out.
I work a professional job and am part way through my 2nd degree.
I don't resent not going out every weekend, I did that for over 20yrs!

As an aside I laughed my head off at the poster who's friends have all gave up on living and can't manage to work because they had kids in their 30's, probably one of the most bizarre things I've ever heard.

AlwaysLatte · 18/10/2020 20:53

I had my first at 36 and the second at 39. No problems!

SlayDuggee · 18/10/2020 20:53

I got pregnant at 36 and had my DD at 37. The. I got pregnant at 39 and had my DS at 40. I would say crack on if you want to.

MrsGEW1 · 18/10/2020 20:53

I'm 38 and have just had my first child, he's now 4 months old. We weren't entitled to NHS IVF treatment and had our treatment abroad. Our treatment was first class in Spain and I fell pregnant from first embryo transfer. Success rates are good and I fell pregnant on very first embryo transfer. Just telling you this as it's unlikely you'll get NHS treatment as you already have a child.
x

CountFosco · 18/10/2020 20:54

I had mine at 36, 38 and 41. Pregnant first month of trying with each one. Straight forward pregnancies and births (Youngest was slightly early but arrived very fast!). The youngest is now 8 so we're past the sleepless nights stage and life is good. At the school gate DH and I are slightly above average age for DC3 but less so for the older 2. Financially we are much more comfortable than we would have been in our 20s.

I think the biggest issue for you will be the age gap and going back to a stage you've left behind a long time ago. Is this just the biological clock ticking or do you really want to have a child(ren) with DH? Will you definitely need IVF? That will be a lot more emotionally draining on your family that a month of lots of sex was on us.

trixiebelden77 · 18/10/2020 20:56

It’s the norm in my circle - mostly doctors with long degrees and ten years post graduation to qualify in a specialty.

We’re all holding down difficult jobs so not sure why the PPs friends are so exhausted....but then MN is full of women whose internalised misogyny is so great they’re convinced women are worn out by 28. Those types tend to see ‘evidence’ everywhere. Very telling that ‘looks’ was one of the things they found wanting in their supposed friends......

Meanwhile women like me and most of my friends have demanding jobs and young children and are OK.

And as another PP said - I’m a long way from being the oldest in my family to have a baby. For generations there’s been a ‘surprise’ mid-late 40s baby.

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