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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday effort from partner?

126 replies

Welshmiss38 · 17/10/2020 15:18

In quite a new relationship with someone that’s been a friend for years.. we have been together now for around 5 months, it’s my birthday today as he’s made no effort at all.. A generic card he’s left the £2 sticker on and a second hand teddy bear.. he’s been in long term relationships for years and I can see on social media how he spent there birthdays..
It’s not about the money we both earn 100k+ and he knows I don’t need anything..
I’m starting to think he’s wasting my time as I do so much for him!! do I say anything?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2020 15:19

I would say something. Very early on in DH's and my relationship he said he didn't do cards. I advised him that he now did. I don't believe in wishing and hoping.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/10/2020 15:21

I would be disappointed. Not necessarily so much that I ended it. Depends on how he was in other ways and what discussions you’d had before.

WineIsMyMainVice · 17/10/2020 15:22

Bit of a red flag I’d say...
Happy birthday!

Savemyusername01 · 17/10/2020 15:23

A second hand teddy bear! Are you sure he’s not having a laugh? If not I would be very insulted

Savemyusername01 · 17/10/2020 15:24

Is he taking you out to celebrate?

Arrivederla · 17/10/2020 15:24

How do you know the teddy is second hand? Grubby?

Although thinking about it giving a grown woman a teddy is unreasonable anyway.

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2020 15:24

Some people are into birthdays and some aren't. It's not necessarily any kind of relationship 'marker'.

But if they're important to you, you should let him know and take it from there.

BloggersBlog · 17/10/2020 15:26

Maybe he has something huge planned and this is his jokey start Confused

If not, he's an idiot and get rid

omega3 · 17/10/2020 15:26

Happy Birthday! SmileFlowersCakeFlowers

As pp, all my boyfriends have known that I 'do' birthdays. I put in the effort for other people and I expect effort for me.

MadeForThis · 17/10/2020 15:27

Is it a massively expensive antique teddy bear???

shropshire11 · 17/10/2020 15:28

Beware of comparing yourself to other partners - there's no way of knowing what was really going on. Some people are not 'into' birthdays, especially once we get over 30, so give him a chance and say you are hoping for a bit more fuss next time.

LiveFromHome · 17/10/2020 15:30

When you say you "do so much for him" what do you mean?

Has he had a birthday yet whilst you've been together?

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 17/10/2020 15:31

The card wouldn’t bother me, what’s written from him is more important, but a teddy bear, second hand or not is shit, I’d be showing my disappointment in so many ways

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 17/10/2020 15:32

Big gifts make me uncomfortable but I would appreciate a well chosen card or book.

There's no real thinking behind his process at all which is very depressing. I had the same with exdp for a decade, resulting in my DD not even knowing when my birthday was as it was such a non-event. It was utterly demoralising. I'm not grabby, but I deserve a little bit of fuss once a year.

Mella91 · 17/10/2020 15:34

When DH and I met he never got me presents, never got cards until I raised the topic with him and he said he just doesn't think about these things. He treated me very well with everything else, showing me plenty of attention and love. We got married and still the presents can be an issue however we have been happily married for 5 years now and I would not change one thing about him. I feel lucky to have such a kind hearted, supportive person in my life.

Give him a chance.. He might be just that person?

Original poster
Welshmiss38 · 17/10/2020 15:53

Thanks all - we work in the same sector, I helped him a lot with getting his latest job as well as huge amounts of property paperwork.
I hate to compare just I know this was not how he was with them..
The teddy is grubby and is some kinda screen cleaner.

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 17/10/2020 15:55

Yeah I would be annoyed. Even some flowers and some nice chocolates would be better!!

Original poster
Welshmiss38 · 17/10/2020 15:58

He works next to a huge retail park, and goes there every lunch time.. I can’t help but think our time as friends means I will always be the second class girlfriend

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 17/10/2020 15:58

I'd wait til tomorrow to say something just incase he has something to pull put the bag later...but yes thats shit. People normally make most effort at the beginning of relationships...and also it does seem weird he made effort in past relationships but not with you

Dishwashersaurous · 17/10/2020 15:59

But that’s rubbish for a friend. Let alone a girlfriend

Original poster
Welshmiss38 · 17/10/2020 16:00

😥He dated this girl for a few weeks before me, she got flowers when she was feeling unwell and these for Valentine’s Day (eternalpetals.com/products/love-black-velvet?variant=5992202469415)

OP posts:
sapnupuas · 17/10/2020 16:01

Let's see the teddy.

DartmoorChef · 17/10/2020 16:03

Are you sure its not a steiff Teddy... Otherwise yanbu.

Original poster
Welshmiss38 · 17/10/2020 16:04

It’s definitely not anything special,

Birthday effort from partner?
OP posts:
PerfidiousAlbion · 17/10/2020 16:04

We need more information.

Do you live together?
Did he wrap the teddy?
What did he say when he gave you the card/present?
What gifts does he buy for others?
Are you seeing him later?
Is he kind in other ways?