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Original poster

Birthday effort from partner?

126 replies

Welshmiss38 · 17/10/2020 15:18

In quite a new relationship with someone that’s been a friend for years.. we have been together now for around 5 months, it’s my birthday today as he’s made no effort at all.. A generic card he’s left the £2 sticker on and a second hand teddy bear.. he’s been in long term relationships for years and I can see on social media how he spent there birthdays..
It’s not about the money we both earn 100k+ and he knows I don’t need anything..
I’m starting to think he’s wasting my time as I do so much for him!! do I say anything?

OP posts:
BewilderedDoughnut · 17/10/2020 18:07

@MrsTerryPratchett I would say something. Very early on in DH's and my relationship he said he didn't do cards. I advised him that he now did

If a guy had said this to me early on in a relationship I’d have told him to get fucked. Are you a controlling person?

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2020 18:22

If a guy had said this to me early on in a relationship I’d have told him to get fucked. Are you a controlling person?

I ask for what I want. If he cared enough about that to dump me, absolutely fantastic. Tell me to get to fuck? No issue at all with that. Am I controlling? Not IMO. Do I say what I mean and mean what I say? Yes. It's a card FFS, not a kidney.

I cannot stand passive aggressive hinting. Or hurt feelings and women wanting men to mind read. I'd rather say what I want. DH can feel free to not supply that. I decide it's it's a deal-breaker.

My SIL gets nothing. No card, not 'happy birthday', no presents. She feels sad and loves her DH a little less every year. I'd rather be me and DH.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2020 18:25

Just asked DH and he says, "it wasn't the hill I was going to die on. I have slightly more important things to worry about" Grin I assume he means I'm more of a PITA in other ways. Which is great since he's no saint.

Kettledodger · 17/10/2020 18:30

Omg definitely say something now. Start as you mean to carry on in regards to the standards of how you expect to be treated.

From 17-29yo I was with a man who had little regard for my feelings. I think I was too young to be assertive in the relationship. At 29 met the love of my life BUT I emphatically told him my expectations within the relationship. We have now been together almost 20 years Smile

Elizaaa · 17/10/2020 18:40

He's probably just not that in to you.

😂

EKGEMS · 17/10/2020 18:44

I don't understand how being unkind to the OP is humorous?! I sincerely hope he makes up for such a shitty way to show you his love for your bday!

pinktophat · 17/10/2020 18:45

What a nasty comment above, to be followed by a laughing face. Why on earth would that be your attitude??

Hope your evening goes better than your afternoon OP

BewilderedDoughnut · 17/10/2020 19:13

He's probably just not that in to you

First thing I thought!

Croprotationinthe14thcentury · 17/10/2020 19:34

How long has he been split from his ex? He sounds like he doesn't really care about you to be honest. I'd go out with my mate and celebrate my bday with him/her instead (if allowed in your area).

PatchworkElmer · 17/10/2020 19:39

Happy Birthday OP Flowers

He sounds like an absolute arse!

64sNewName · 17/10/2020 19:40

You deserve better than this, OP. He doesn’t sound like a thoughtful person, even if he somehow sorts out a belated present now.

Keep your dignity, walk away.

ferntwist · 17/10/2020 20:45

Rubbish OP. See what he does and if still nothing then get rid.

CoraPirbright · 17/10/2020 20:47

Elizaaa what is that supposed to mean? OP is clearly feeling upset (and rightly so imo) and you think that its a good idea to write something horrible and then add a laughing emoji?

Nice Hmm

Titsinknicks · 17/10/2020 20:54

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY op. October babies are the best.

I would be absolutely gutted. You're not being shallow or ungrateful. Like everyone has said a gift doesn't have to be expensive, but there has to be some thought - dinner at your favourite cheap and cheerful local Italian where you had your great third date, a cookbook by that chef you like, some costume jewellery you admired on that woman from bake off, an embossed notebook because you're an avid list maker, a subscription to a magazine you always get at Tesco... I dunno. SOMETHING.

I would definitely say something. Not sure if I'd do it today/tonight or wait to calm down a couple of days. It'll probably come out when it's right.

But I would be upset and you should tell him so.

Titsinknicks · 17/10/2020 20:55

@elizaaa you're a cunt, get to fuck

Original poster
Welshmiss38 · 17/10/2020 21:03

Thanks everyone, there’s hundreds little token things he could have bought and his office is next to a huge shopping centre but still no.. I really need to think about if I see or want a future with him because I feel like maybe im just useful
🥳Bought my self some lovey flowers!

OP posts:
Titsinknicks · 17/10/2020 21:11

Good for you op.

What was him being on the phone with his credit card about?

Have you not been out for dinner or anything?

ShopoholicIn · 18/10/2020 01:03

Oh OP I feel sorry for how your evening had turned out... good you bought flowers for yourself . Yes time to reflect on your relationship..Flowers

Lindtballsrock · 18/10/2020 01:16

...and maybe have a conversation with him about it?!?

Lipz · 18/10/2020 01:26

That's a shit present, in the early days people always try to buy something special.

I'd tell him it's a shit present and it's a child's present.

If he was seen on his phone with his credit card he could be trying to make it up, he'll either buy something very expensive with no thought or he'll get something you'll love, which he should have done on the days before your birthday so you'd have it on the day.

Feelingconfused2020 · 18/10/2020 01:40

I'm so sorry to hear this op. I'd love to know what he was thinking when he chose the gift he gave you.

I think I would tell him how you feel. I'm.not sure how the conversation will.go, it won't be easy, but if all.else is fine I think it's worth doing.

From.now on, though,I would be watching for this bollocks if he can't care enough.to get something personal.then it isn't ok. The card having a price on wouldn't bother me, he just left the price on by accident, but the gift being a random second hand shitty non personal gift would really hurt me.

Feelingconfused2020 · 18/10/2020 01:43

The thing is that if you can't think of anything you can buy flowers, most women will appreciate a decent bouquet and the OP has clearly indicated that she would. Even if he forgot be could have nipped into a florists and picked something up. Far better than a second hand soft toy!

Catflapkitkat · 18/10/2020 02:13

Hi OP. - so sorry you felt sad on your birthday. First of all - 5 weeks is a new relationship. The something 'jokey' as a gift maybe shout dinner or drinks but 5 months you are right to expect a bit more effort. Doesn't have to be expensive but he should know what you like - favourite, songs, cooks/restaurants, wine/spirits, books you like, if you like gold or silver etc.

If he can't make an effort on your first birthday as a couple - not even take the sticker of the card, it doesn't bode well.

Good luck

IndieTara · 18/10/2020 03:43

If he can't be arsed this early on...

Gamboge · 18/10/2020 04:06

Dump him. You earn 100k. You are doing fantastically well by yourself and don’t need to compromise. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t value you.

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