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Original poster

Birthday effort from partner?

126 replies

Welshmiss38 · 17/10/2020 15:18

In quite a new relationship with someone that’s been a friend for years.. we have been together now for around 5 months, it’s my birthday today as he’s made no effort at all.. A generic card he’s left the £2 sticker on and a second hand teddy bear.. he’s been in long term relationships for years and I can see on social media how he spent there birthdays..
It’s not about the money we both earn 100k+ and he knows I don’t need anything..
I’m starting to think he’s wasting my time as I do so much for him!! do I say anything?

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 18/10/2020 04:12

@MrsTerryPratchett

If a guy had said this to me early on in a relationship I’d have told him to get fucked. Are you a controlling person?

I ask for what I want. If he cared enough about that to dump me, absolutely fantastic. Tell me to get to fuck? No issue at all with that. Am I controlling? Not IMO. Do I say what I mean and mean what I say? Yes. It's a card FFS, not a kidney.

I cannot stand passive aggressive hinting. Or hurt feelings and women wanting men to mind read. I'd rather say what I want. DH can feel free to not supply that. I decide it's it's a deal-breaker.

My SIL gets nothing. No card, not 'happy birthday', no presents. She feels sad and loves her DH a little less every year. I'd rather be me and DH.

Absolutely right.
seayork2020 · 18/10/2020 04:42

Dh and I mutually do not really celebrate birthdays, we may do something small or say 'it's my birthday i want to get a take away Thai' or whatever and that is it, we just do something for the other as and when there is no set time.

I also dont think 'i did something nice for dh 6 months ago so he needs to do something nice for me now'

People are individuals and not everyone thinks the same about birthdays or thinks differently with one person and a different way with another or whatever.

I accept the way dh is and him with me, I never looked for anything different or to change him when we met and don't 20 years later.

BitOfFun · 18/10/2020 04:58

People are individuals and not everyone thinks the same about birthdays or thinks differently with one person and a different way with another or whatever

Yes, seayork2020, they treat some girlfriends well, and others...not so much Hmm.

trixiebelden77 · 18/10/2020 05:35

The point isn’t whether you think birthdays are a big deal, it’s that knowing the other person does you don’t continue to behave like it’s nothing.

You adjust your behaviour. Normal functioning adults recognise that things are important to the people they love and act accordingly.

I’m not ‘changed’ or ‘controlled’ because I know my husband’s more interested in birthdays than I am so I get him a damn card and a present. This is normal human interaction.

If there’s no room in your relationship to make small accommodations to meet each other’s needs you truly have a shitty relationship.

pinkgreenblue · 18/10/2020 05:51

What happened yesterday evening? Personally I wouldn’t have got too upset until my birthday was actually over and i had got definite confirmation that my DP was a thoughtless shite.

I have had birthdays before where my DH has given me a few little token presents in the morning (these have got better as the years went on... one year he got me a mug from Clinton’s with my name on Confused and funnily enough I was not 8 at the time so I wasn’t that impressed) and then in the evening we go out to dinner or something and he turns up with flowers or other gifts or tells me we’ve got a show or a hotel booked after. So I wouldn’t have been too devastated until the day was over and it was definitely only that manky dog as a gift.

But after that, if it WAS only the dog... then yeah I would be upset too.

whiteroseredrose · 18/10/2020 06:55

Actually I quite like the dog. I bought DS one like it when he got his first laptop at 11. It keeps the screen clean and reduces static!

However as a birthday gift early in a relationship it's not so good.

You do need to say something, not pretend everything is OK, because it isn't.

It really is the thought that counts, and there was no thought in that gift.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 18/10/2020 07:58

@MrsTerryPratchett

I would say something. Very early on in DH's and my relationship he said he didn't do cards. I advised him that he now did. I don't believe in wishing and hoping.
I actually love this.

Yes OP you need to say something. It's not about a material gift but the level of effort. He could have cooked you a nice meal. Written a thoughtful message in a card bought you a gift which actually demonstrated some effort (a book he thought you'd like, some lovely bath stuff because you need to relax more, something relevant to your relationship etc).

SuzieQQQ · 18/10/2020 08:48

Yeah that’s crap

Thisisnotnormal69 · 18/10/2020 08:56

What’s the point in carrying on if ultimately he didn’t give enough of a shit to do it in the first place? It’s all well and good telling him he has to make more effort in the future but he clearly doesn’t care. And he knows how to do birthday presents etc since he did birthday presents for ex’s so it’s not just him. Sorry OP I would want better from a relationship. Glad you bought yourself flowers

Thatusernamewastaken · 18/10/2020 09:12

I’m not one for making a big deal of birthdays when an adult, but this bloke is taking the piss! Just shows a lack of consideration or thought. I’d have serious questions, especially if it was early in the relationship.

Scweltish · 18/10/2020 09:36

So.. did another present materialise in the end?

ohfourfoxache · 18/10/2020 10:40

Bloody hell, even if he pulls something out of the bag now (ie now he knows you’re upset) I’m not sure I could get over his thoughtlessness

Original poster
Welshmiss38 · 18/10/2020 11:03

The item he was booking while at the pub yesterday was a spa day.. I’m hoping they might let us move it as I don’t have any swimwear with me just tried the supermarkets and they have nothing ...
Sad I don’t want a £100+ spa day that was an after thought I just wanted a nice card and a little token

OP posts:
Titsinknicks · 18/10/2020 11:18

You don't have swim wear 'with you'? Are you away? Has he taken you away? He booked a spa day yesterday afternoon for today?

Catflapkitkat · 18/10/2020 11:20

Have you told him how disappointed you are over this.

Goldencurtain · 18/10/2020 11:24

Are you very young? This all sounds quite early twenties. OP you know what the answer is, dump him and move on.

Original poster
Welshmiss38 · 18/10/2020 11:34

Titsinknicks I’m at his house

OP posts:
Original poster
Welshmiss38 · 18/10/2020 11:35

Goldencurtain No not really young, I’m 31 but he’s 42

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/10/2020 11:35

OP,
Dump him.

Why have positioned yourself as his mother, helping him so much?

Why would you do that?

You have completely changed the dynamic by running around organising shit for him.

Why did YOU feel you had to do this?

Own the fact that you have devalued yourself by running around being his mother.

Stop crying in front of him and back away.

That dirty toy is disgusting and no one who cared anything for anyone would give something so awful.

We teach people how to treat us.

How dare he treat you like that.
Find your anger and self respect.

How dare he think that a grubby toy was all he had to throw your way.

It's not about spend, its about showing respect for you.

Find your anger and tell him to go to hell.

Don't allow this user to hurt you.Flowers

billy1966 · 18/10/2020 11:38

You are at his house.

Pack up and get the hell out of there.

Go to friends or family but DO NOT sit there crying.

Take back your power.

You deserve sooooooo much better than himFlowers

Maireas · 18/10/2020 11:42

Ok, I don't get this. Is it about the monetary value or not? The spa day was £100+ but you don't want it? You're going to have to have a direct conversation about what you want from him rather than crying on the phone to a friend.

BloggersBlog · 18/10/2020 12:17

I get this, it is not the monetary value it is that it is an afterthought. Who wants that? Whether it is £10/£100/£1000 he only did it after he saw OP was upset and telling her friend at the pub.

Pointless and trying to save face

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 18/10/2020 12:38

@Welshmiss38 happy birthday OP.

Sorry he’s treated you as an afterthought. Why would a grown man think an adult woman would want a teddy bear? I would understand if it was a private joke or collectors item ect but just a random teddy? It’s very weird. For his birthday get him a plastic water gun. See how happy he is.

EscapeTheCastle · 18/10/2020 14:50

Is the spa day for today? Are you going together?

LuaDipa · 18/10/2020 15:05

Happy birthday op. Please go home and don’t let him spoil it any more for you. As you say, even the slightest bit of thought or care would have been appreciated. You deserve so much better than this.