To ask those who didn't want children but ended up having them? What's it like?

[Betty94]

Hi all,

Bit of a weird thread but I was hoping there was someone who could give me a little bit of insight, I'm 26 and I've never wanted children, I'm not maternal in the slightest, I don't know how to interact with children or what they want from me

I'm due to have a little boy in January.

Can someone give me some advice or experience when you thought you were never going to have children or wanted children but ended up having them anyway for whatever reason? Good and bad experiences welcome, I'm just worried about everything.

Thank you

I didn’t so I didn’t.
Then hit 30 & the idea didn’t totally disgust me.
Had one then when I was 33.
Still not overly keen on kids but my own is ok.
I quite like that one.
Unfortunately it does involve me being around loads of other people’s kids, school and parties and all that.

I’m a very good actress. You would never know the thoughts in my head regarding kids.

You can do it, it’s nice actually, you’ll be surprised, I was.

Me.

I never wanted children. My reasons were mainly because I was happy, enjoyed my life and didn't feel like I needed children to complete my happiness. I was also scared about the relentlessness of having you own children - I always found myself exhausted after leaving friends and family who had kids and felt relieved I could relax and just be myself.

We have a little boy now. He's almost 18 months.

I wouldn't worry too much about knowing what they want. It's a short list of things to start with (food, sleep, comfort) and then when it gets more varied you know them better. Remember they are made from you so you have a better chance of understanding them than anyone else!

The relentlessness is much less of a factor than I feared. I do miss quiet Sunday afternoons with my sewing machine and Netflix but we do different things at the weekend now that I enjoy just as much. And you find ways to make space to be yourself, for example, the boy loves to be in his carrier while we go for a walk in the country so we get an hour of adult conversation that way. We also prioritised getting him sleeping well from very early on so we got our evenings completely back to ourselves from about 4 months. This made a huge difference to feeling like myself again.

I'm sure you'll get lots of comments about the love and wonder with your own baby. You will adore the tiny human that's suddenly going to be living with you but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to be you any more.

Good luck!

I didn't want any and then had depression during the pregnancy and PND for years.

Another mum friend told me she struggled mentally with it but then around 4 or 5 years in settled and embraced it. It took me 9 years to feel like yes i dont regret this it was worth it. Its because im not suited tor the baby and toddler stage and function baaaaaadly on less than 8 hours uninterrupted night sleep. I also hate noise and love my alone time which is nigh on impossible with needy little kids.
A colleague kept saying how she dislikes kids would never want any then has one and seems the most chilled back happy mum ever. Its like this was her 4th baby so easy breezy. I did wonder if she put on an act of not wanting children.

I wasn’t really fussed about having children, just thought it was something i ought to do

Then I couldn’t conceive and we had fertility treatment and i just thought ‘ well fuck it then, I’m obviously not meant to have children’

And then i had ds1...beautiful child, he still is at 21, he is just so funny and kind and helpful

And i had dd (18) and ds2 (17) and they are just so funny....and kind and helpful

And when they were little it could be hard work but even then theres nothing like dancing round the living room to some stupid song or cuddling up and reading a story to them or being in fits cos one of them has done something so funny or strange or weird

I’m glad i had them

Oh i was 29 when i had ds1...in January funnily enough

I was 39 and had been happily childfree till then. Honestly, assuming you’re not being forced to continue a pregnancy when you don’t want to, I think it’s probably essentially the same as someone who actively wanted a child. I don’t think ambivalence or indifference is any indication that you will be any worse a parent, or enjoy parenthood any less, than the kind of person who’s been cooing over prams all her life. There may even be some advantages to not having had an incredibly rosy view.

My son is wonderful, and I’m delighted I had him, incidentally.

Really hard work. I miss time. I don't know where it has gone, or remember how I used to spend it all. It's absolutely relentless.

I love them though, and miss them instantly if they go somewhere without me (they are still primary age, not adults 😊). I think they have simultaneously made me and broken me!

Didn’t want kids until I was 32 and a doctor told me I couldn’t have kids due to endometriosis. Only managed to have one and he’s the best person in the world - now 8 and just bloody brilliant all round.

I didn’t think I was particularly maternal, didn’t like holding babies, wasn’t massively interested in nieces/nephews. However it’s been pretty smooth sailing and you just have to trust yourself to make the right decisions.

If I had my time again, I’d start sooner and have 3!

Tell me to mind my own business if you want but if you don't want children, why are you having one? Are you being forced or coerced? If you are, it's really important that you speak out.

Hell

I was never maternal at all. Never coo’d over a baby, or looked longingly at baby clothes. Then I had my son (now 34) and absolutely loved being a Mum. Had 4 in total and they are all the very best part of my life and always have been. You’ll be fine!

I wasn't maternal... probably due to being the oldest (by 12 years) of three girls. I knew about babies, and knew they were not fun.

Then at 36 we flippantly decided to 'try' in case we'd regret not having a child.

DD was born one week before my 37th birthday.

I may not be overly interested in all children. But I adore MY child. She is the best human I know.

Totally biased, but to me she is the smartest, funniest, most interesting child on the planet :-)

@ViciousJackdaw

Tell me to mind my own business if you want but if you don't want children, why are you having one? Are you being forced or coerced? If you are, it's really important that you speak out.

I'm not no, it's my own fault I'm pregnant as we weren't using any contraception at the time, My DH was very supportive and he told me he wanted the baby but it was entirely my choice and he wouldn't hold it against me if I had a termination, I thought about it for a few weeks and decided I wanted a baby but I keep drifting in and out of it - maybe this is normal and most first time mums get a bit spooked. I definitely wasn't forced into this but I really appreciate your concern as I know some women are.

Happily child free and then at 39 I fell pregnant. Decided it was obviously meant to be so continued with the pregnancy. DD is nearly 7 and she is wonderful.

Pregnancy was awful. I was healthy but so depressed to the point of feeling suicidal. I pretended to everyone I was happy but inside I was dying. Then I had DD and things became better. I still mourned my loss of freedom and independence but I discovered a fierce type of love I could never have imagined.

Now I wish I had had DD a couple of years earlier as then I could have had another child. I didn’t want another baby after 40 though so stopped at 1.

I have a good relationship with my partner and he is a hands on dad. We parent equally which has been very important to me.

Me. My DH wanted one, I was ambivalent. I found being pregnant reasonably ok - minimal symptoms until third trimester. Labour and childbirth was painful but manageable. Return to pre baby body/weight has not yet happened which I find difficult sometimes, even if it is only about 3-4kg now. First year was maternity leave. DD didn’t sleep. It was hell. It was boredom and relentlessness and stress personified, coupled with really bright moments of absolute joy and wonder in life. I established quickly that babies are not for me. When DD became more of a toddler I found my feet better. Returned to work full time and felt better for it, more present as a parent even if I wasnt physically more present anymore. Lockdown was the sweetest gift in allowing me time with DD at an age I could enjoy similar to mat leave which I remember as just a lonely stressful time. Now DD is going on 2.5 and I cannot describe how much I love her and what joy she brings to my life. My DH wants another. I am not too keen. I really don’t want to be pregnant or go through the baby stage again.

It’s taken me 5 years to get used to it. I quite like having a little shadow now. But I don’t like other kids as a rule and find the relentless parties and play dates just awful. But it makes my small person happy so I go along with it.

I had a surprise baby a couple of years before I thought I’d be ready and it was fine.
My family are amazing and they’ve enhanced my life beyond belief. It does change things...but it’s a massively positive change.

I didn't, but my husband did, to and then I became more ambivalent than anti, and decided to go for it my mid 30s.

When they were born (I have two) it was like a switch flipped in me and for the most part I've really enjoyed being a mum.

It really helped that they didn't feel like random babies, but like family members I already knew and loved. It was like 'of if I'd realised it was your i wouldn't have worried' if that makes sense.

I was never maternal, I grew up in a house of foster babies & it put me right off.
My sister then had multiple miscarriages & I thought I should get checked out just in case later in life I felt broody & then discovered I couldn’t have children & it would be too late to do anything about it. I went to the GP who did blood tests, 2 days later he called to say I was pregnant. I was shocked in the extreme. I felt I wasn’t ready at all at 32 to be responsible for a child.
The pregnancy didn’t feel real at all & I was kind of in denial about it all but 13 years & 3 kids later it has been mostly great & I love being a mum.
Not so keen on other folks kids mind but mine are fab.
Good luck

I've just had my 2nd. Was still questioning through the entire pregnancy whether I wanted 2. If I was ready, was it what I wanted? And he was planned. Thats a completely normal feeling.

I think it's fine to be a bit ambivalent about the whole thing tbh. My DH took issue with calling my postnatal state of mind depression, as he said anyone would feel awful if they'd had an infected 3rd degree tear, surgery to replace it and a small screaming thing to look after (with shit milk-producing devices that didn't work) so you could say I've always been very open to voicing ambivalence and frustration with all of it.

I found the early years brutal, but we're coming out of that to near-tween stage now and honestly, they have made me a different (hopefully better) person. I wouldn't be without them, now I've been through the sleep deprivation but!

Just keep being honest with people about how you're feeling (preferably people who don't take fright easily, as it can get really dark) and you'll be fine. I think it helps to have people to vent to who can keep a quiet yet careful eye on you.

I was in the same boat as you (except a little older) - accidental pregnancy, and decided that although I’d never actively wanted children, the fact that I wasn’t freaking out and horrified about it seemed like a sign that I was maybe more into the idea than consciously thought.

I had really low expectations of parenting so was happy to discover that there are plenty of positives. It’s hard work, of course, but there is a lot to like. It does depend on the support you have and how well you and your DP work as parents, though. Grateful and lucky that I have a lot of support and that we’ve both adapted fairly well to parenting, because it can be so easy to snipe and pick at each other when you’re both tired and at a loss and learning how to relate to each other as well as to your child.

Honestly not half as bad as I expected. I was 35 when I fell pregnant and I was utterly devastated but I just couldn’t bring myself to have an abortion as Dh was really excited and we were pretty secure financially etc. I Faked it until I maked it at first but Ds was the easiest baby ever. I had dd 22 months later, mainly so that he’d have some company and they are pretty damn awesome. I’m even more enthusiastic about other people’s children now too. My kids are 9 and 11 now and sometimes (many tunes) I’m taken aback that Dh and I made actual real humans that live in our house with us and I only regret it once a year or so. I’d much rather have the kids than the husband most of the time

It’s hard.

I love my children, I would die for them in a heartbeat. I would never ever want any other than then two i have - they are the coolest kids going. But. It has been very hard. The life change. The marriage change. I’m not maternal. I struggle to fit in with other mums. I second guess my decisions. It’s tough.

I love my kids. Still not interested in anyone else's until they fire into young adults