To ask those who didn't want children but ended up having them? What's it like?

[Betty94]

Hi all,

Bit of a weird thread but I was hoping there was someone who could give me a little bit of insight, I'm 26 and I've never wanted children, I'm not maternal in the slightest, I don't know how to interact with children or what they want from me

I'm due to have a little boy in January.

Can someone give me some advice or experience when you thought you were never going to have children or wanted children but ended up having them anyway for whatever reason? Good and bad experiences welcome, I'm just worried about everything.

Thank you

I fell pregnant by accident at 26 and had not even considered children. I certainly hadnt reached the stage of wanting any and I'm not sure I ever would have done as I felt ambivalent towards babies and children. I wasn't excited to be pregnant that's for sure.
Anyway along she came and she was the absolute light of my life, I couldn't believe the depth of my love and joy for her existence. Still do 8 years later. I then had another and feel the same for my DS. My only regret is not having more DC but the planet doesn't need it and neither does my bank balance!

You will love your baby boy with all your heart and soul. It may not be instant but it will happen.
I had my first DD when I was 18. Wasn't emotionally ready at all but you just get on with it and learn as you go along. It wasn't easy at first but we had so much fun! The little baby stage is relentless but it does get easier. She is now 27, still at home and I have 2 more DC, my youngest is 9.

I think everyone has these worries at times - "I won't know what do! What the hell have I done?!" -especially with their first baby, but don't like to express them because the expectation is that you MUST be excited with your impending arrival. But you just get on with it because you have to. Nature ensures that everything works out ok - or the world would be full of one-child only families!

I was always adamant that I didn't want kids, it was a shock to everyone when I announced I was pregnant.
I still have moments of "oh my god, I've ruined my life" but life is so much better in other ways. I'm still not keen on other people's kids and I find it difficult to engage with them at baby classes etc, but my own is the most perfect little thing in the world. The love and happiness she brings is incredible, I only wish I had done it sooner. Good luck x

I planned my pregnancy but as soon as it happened i was bloody terrified and thought id really screwed up my life now. My dh wanted it more than i did and i didn't really "bond" with the pregnancy at all. Yes it can be really hard. I developed anxiety and depression but they (twins) are bloody awesome. So funny and sweet and kind. I love spending time with them (when they're not fighting each other) i don't regret them at all. i still don't have much time for other people's kids though. And I'm definitely not having any more.

I was 23 and a student when I had mine. I had absolutely no intention of having children ever. I didn't like babies (thought they were smelly and sticky and sort of gross) or young children.

I was absolutely devastated when I found out I was pregnant, thought my life was over.

Spoke to dp who calmed me down. Reassured me that life was not over and we could totally do this.

Spent a good deal of my pregnancy wondering if I'd made a terrible mistake (and was very unwell for most of it).

When ds was born I knew that I hadn't made a mistake at all. The first couple of years were HARD. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I did grieve my old life.

All that being said, ds is 7 now and the absolute best thing I have ever done. Hands down. He's sweet, and thoughtful and kind and curious and just a complete fruitloop.

I think if I could go back in time, I would maybe have had him a couple of years later, but I would definitely have him.

I still don't like other people's kids to a great extent, a couple of Ds's friends being the exceptions (because they're as funny and sweet as him and I would adopt them in a heartbeat)

I think with your own child you effectively create a child you like over time compared to a random child as throughout raising them you teach them things you like, discourage what you don’t, and they end up being molded into a mini mix of you and your partner.

It’s the whole nature v nurture debate. But I think both aspects hold. They inherit things but largely growing up are influenced by you.

Saying that, Dh and I really like to sleep. But ds age 5 months hasn’t got that memo yet!

I was adamant I never wanted to have children. I was never interested in other ppls children (my nephew at a massive push) never interacted with any children.
Massive u turn I now have 2 🤣 both under 4
I love it! They are great, I'm so happy I changed my mind. They just add more fun and have opened me into being the best version of myself.
I wouldn't worry about not having any experience. You just learn as you go and your baby will be unique to you. I wouldn't worry about the heaps of advice you get just go with the flow. I did watch a few Newborn YouTube videos when I was expecting my first just to see what others experiences was like. Also what they brought and advised were a waste of money on 'must haves'.
Congratulations on your baby boy 💙 enjoy

@goisey

You are definitely at risk of getting pregnant if you have unprotected sex, I'm surprised at your age you don't know this (I think most 12 years know this - or they should!)

goisey For goodness sake, the op has come on here for help and reassurance and you decide that what you really need to do is patronise and lecture her about unprotected sex with the aim of making her feel small when she’s had the courage to open up. What a spiteful and narrow minded post!

You don’t need to worry about it, liking other people’s kids to liking your own kids are worlds apart and not the same at all. It’s different with your own.

I never wanted kids. I used to shudder driving past playgrounds at the thought of standing there watching a kid play. I thought it all looked incredibly boring and tedious.

I now have two and would love a third. I’m like Mother Hen and have completely shocked myself.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all easy and frankly some of it is boring and tedious....but I don’t seem to mind.

I was the same age as you when I fell pregnant. I was on a trip to Italy with my boyfriend of 3 months when i fell pregnant with my DD. Never wanted kids, but if I did I really wanted a girl. I got my little girl and shes everything I dreamed of and more. I know that I'm one and done though I will never ever have another. She has a minor health issue but it sends me into such a panic I struggle with my anxiety and know that I can never ever do it again x

I don’t know if you’re still reading the replies OP, but I completely understand the way you’ve worded things about getting pregnant. I’m pregnant with my third child, completely unplanned, after having unprotected sex once. Yes, I know how it works. Yes, I know there was a risk. I have I been saying “this is my fault” - so, I get it.

I wasn’t maternal in the slightest, no one around me thought I was but I actually think I’m a good mum. Not perfect, but I love my kids and I know them like the back of my hand. Don’t really care for other people’s children though, but that’s very normal!

I spent about 6 months thinking what on earth have I done? No rush of maternal love etc - I cared for her well but in a detached way (not really PND) then love grew and grew
I still don’t coo over babies or small children and am happy to avoid interaction with others children
My DC are grown up but amazing and I adore them
Best thing I ever did

I didn't want children - I don't have the best parents and was worried about continuing the cycle of abuse alongside the fact that I liked my life vas it was.

I got married at 33 and warned my DH that if he actually secretly wanted children we should think about it ASAP. Had a child - and she's the most wonderful thing in the world. Granted, she's the most difficult child in the world too (she's 3 and has made each life stage as difficult as she possibly could have) but she's funny and intelligent and wonderful company. I couldn't love her any more than I do. She's really completed my life (and I can't believe I'm saying this).

First 8 months of her life were shit and boring though tbf.

I was never really fussed about having them and then met DH who was very definite that he wanted them. We have 2 and I love them and am happy that we had them. I struggle a bit with the lack of alone time. I'm very much and introvert so have spells of feeling very stressed and touched out, desperate for silence and alone time. I'm now permanently work from home and it has helped. The peace and silence that descends on the house when my DH leaves to go to work and drop the kids off at school and nursery is pretty amazing.

Didn’t want them myself but I nevertheless liked children, had nieces around and friends children. Then became pregnant and loved it! Don’t get me wrong the shock to the system was immense as I used to love my sleep and that went out the window for a good few years. Have two now 4 and 9 and honestly they are my whole universe, and have put all the small unimportant things into perspective.

I was never maternal but had two because I thought I might regret not doing. Now older teens, I'm so so glad we did.
However DH and I were married and had been together 10 years beforehand and are still together, having muddled through with very little help. It would have been so much harder on my own. So often I've seen men push for children but then leave them behind when they up and off a few years later when the realities kick in. Very few even do 50/50. In that situation I might think differently.

I didn’t want children until I was 39. I was enjoying my life but I started to wonder if I would be missing out on a wonderful experience by never having a child. Yep that was my selfish thought process 😊 I went on th have three!

I absolutely love it! It’s REALLY hard work, I have no time to myself, my life is dominated by them at the moment but I do have three under five.

Good luck x

I used to work with a girl, who at 26 asked to be sterilised as she was 100% sure she didn't want any kids. However, the dr said 'no' your far to young.

10 years later, she has 2 kids. She suffered the 'worst' pregnancies anyone could imagine! Sickness everyday with both of them, from the day she found out until the day she gave birth. But, had the easiest labours - less than 4 hours with them both.

She's totally thrilled, and loves her life now, however needs therapy/ has a counsellor as she worries 'what would of happened/ how would my life be, if I didn't have them'

Me and DH never wanted children at all. We always said it would just be the two of us together. Weirdly we both love children - I am a nursery teacher so spend all day with children and DH has lots of nephews and nieces and he spoils them constantly. As we got plenty of interactions with children we just didn't want one with us at home too.

When I fell pregnant (on the pill!) we were both very shocked and just didn't know what we wanted. We actually found out at 4 months too which was more shocking (we have been having sex more than 12 years and never had an accident so assumed we were being safe and it was impossible to get pregnant).

Throughout my pregnancy I felt nothing for my baby (sounds horrible I know). Most of my friends all commented on how little I cared which was quite upsetting when I thought of this poor baby who would have a mum and dad who clearly didn't feel ready or even want a baby.

When I gave birth I felt a strong protection over DS, I could kill anyone who tried to harm my baby but sadly I still didn't feel love. This was me at my worst as I spent days crying in bed questioning why I couldn't love my baby. This all changed when DS was around 2 months old when I suddenly realised how much I loved him.

18 months on I am OBSESSED with DS. DH dotes on him and video calls DS when he is at work. We spend all day spending quality time with him and just cant get enough of how perfect he is.

Do we want a second? NEVER but I am so thankful to have DS in our lives and can never imagine a life without him. He is the absolute joy of our lives and is loved and dotted on.

I did not want children. DH did. He wanted them more strongly than i didn't so we did.

I hated being pregannt and was terrified and really wanted it all to just vanish. I struggled in the early days with DS1. I had PND and was going through the motions. Then when he was about 6 months old the maternal feelings hit all of a sudden.

I can honestly say that being a mother is the most fulfilling, rewarding nourishing aspect to my life. I adore my children on such a primal fundamental level. I feel so grateful to have them in my life. So lucky. We have challenges- DS1 has special needs and behavioural issues but I would not change an atom of him.

mella I also felt nothing for my baby when pregnant. I never told anyone because of society's expectations about motherhood in general, but I felt so emotionally detached from the baby and resentful and fearful of being pregnant.

Actual human standing ion front of me though- WOW! It is like my heart and soul outside my body.

OP I can relate.

I never wanted kids and found myself unexpectedly pregnant at the age of 38 to a man I had been dating for 6 weeks.

It has been a transformative experience, changed me as a woman forever- truly amazing. Boyfriend and I are still together 23 years later, a second child was also born, these have been the best years of my life.

It's hard and amazing. I really struggled because my eldest was a hard baby, had bad reflux and was constantly crying. At the time I blamed myself because I wasn't a good enough mum. It wasn't really until I had my second two years later that I felt like a real mum and took it in my stride. I loved that mat leave because it gave me the time to bond with both my kids.

The early years are hard. I struggled with having to be selfless. My role in my relationship with DH and at work has changed hugely as a direct consequence of having kids. There are still times I find it difficult but as my kids get older, it gets easier and I'm getting more of myself back again.

I didn’t want kids but then met someone who already had 3, my family kind of pressurised me into having a child (I know it was my decision at the end of the day). I had dd1 when I was 21 and then dd2 when I was 23. I did find it hard but part of that was due to dh (now ex) who made me feel o was doing everything wrong. My dc’s are now 14 and 16, I don’t regret having them but do often wonder what life without kids would be like. Now they are older it’s much easier.