To ask those who didn't want children but ended up having them? What's it like?

[Betty94]

Hi all,

Bit of a weird thread but I was hoping there was someone who could give me a little bit of insight, I'm 26 and I've never wanted children, I'm not maternal in the slightest, I don't know how to interact with children or what they want from me

I'm due to have a little boy in January.

Can someone give me some advice or experience when you thought you were never going to have children or wanted children but ended up having them anyway for whatever reason? Good and bad experiences welcome, I'm just worried about everything.

Thank you

I was never that arsed tbh, never felt maternal. When I met dh who also wasn't fussed, we spent many a Friday night in the pub mulling over whether we should or we shouldn't.

Then I got pregnant. Was shit scared, wasn't that keen on kids etc, didn't know how to change a nappy.

He's 12 now and the best thing in my life, no regrets.

However, other peoples' kids...naaaahhhh

@murmurgam

It's interesting, I quite like children (find babies a bit boring) but have absolutely no desire to have one of my own so I always find it hard to get my head round not liking children but still wanting one of your own.

To be honest, @murmurgam, it's one of those things that looks completely different from the outside to what it's like actually being a parents, and the most interesting parts are invisible. Which is, of course, what makes it such an enormous leap of faith.

I think what has surprised me is not the gruntwork of having a child which is of course quite obvious from the outside but how interesting it all is, to help someone grow up and develop from a tiny child, watch them become a distinct personality that quickly feels like nothing at all to do with you, and spread their wings.

"You don’t need to love anyone else’s children but loving your own is hard wired."

So so not true

Me. Got pregnant at 29 and had such a great experience added two more babies quickly after. I LOVE being a mom now and am crazy about my kids but I still for the most part can't stand other people's kids :)

It’s the best thing that has ever happened to me and I was adamant I didn’t want kids. My first arrived at 41 and if I’d known how wonderful it is, I’d have started 15 years earlier.

And by the way OP, I’m still not that keen on other people’s kids, thigh they have grown on me somewhat. And I had NO idea about kids. Really none at all. When my D.C. arrived, I had only ever held a baby once before - 25 years earlier!!

DH didn't want kids, then at 30 he started saying he'd be open to the idea (I think because he knew I wanted them). We have 2, which was his absolute max. They're teenagers now and he'd do anything for them, but he's very much a "dislike kids except my own kids" person, and he didn't enjoy the baby/toddler stage in the slightest.

Interesting thread. There are 'regret' threads occasionally which tell a bit of a different story. I think those are largely (but not entirely) populated by people struggling with the earlier, demanding, sleepless years. It's really hard to get my head around the idea of willingly saying to myself, "I'll probably hate the first 6 years, but after that it might be enjoyable". And to willingly enter into a permanent arrangement that I know will drastically reduce my freedom, potentially wreck my marriage and finances, on something that seems a heck of a gamble.

I thought I didn't want children because I'm not maternal in the slightest towards other people's children, only animals. Didn't change when I married a man who was dead set against them.
Marriage failed, met fiancé, and everything changed.

Now have an 18 month old boy planned & conceived when I was 40, and I couldn't imagine life without my little family.

I still don't particularly like other people's children!

I had never been decided either way, I always thought growing up that I was open minded depending on what position I found myself in. I had a great time in my 20s, felt extremely fulfilled both in my personal and professional life, and was sure I didn't want any children, my life was great! I then met my now husband when I was 29, and to be honest my mind changed over time, no big epiphany, no heartfelt discussions, I could just not picture my future without a child. It wasn't to fill a 'hole' or because I felt my life as it was wasn't good, but it just felt right, as cheesy as that sounds.

It's been good, there are times that I have longed for just a few hours of my 'old life' back, but now I feel like a best of both worlds situation. I love him with all of my heart, and although I don't feel like my life have meaning any more than it used to, I feel it has a different meaning now, and I wouldn't change it now. I have felt it important though to maintain a balance of 'me', so I've returned to my career, and make sure I have time with my friends, and have a balance of doing what DS loves and doing what we enjoy, obviously he comes with us and we make sure we have what he needs and is enjoying it, but it probably is more for us than him if that makes sense.

@IDontMindMarmite

Interesting thread. There are 'regret' threads occasionally which tell a bit of a different story. I think those are largely (but not entirely) populated by people struggling with the earlier, demanding, sleepless years. It's really hard to get my head around the idea of willingly saying to myself, "I'll probably hate the first 6 years, but after that it might be enjoyable". And to willingly enter into a permanent arrangement that I know will drastically reduce my freedom, potentially wreck my marriage and finances, on something that seems a heck of a gamble.

A significant factor in how much I'm enjoying parenthood is the fact that I did it comparatively late I had DS at 39 and had essentially 20 years of adulthood to ricochet around living in different countries, studying, travelling, focusing on relationships and friendships and career stuff etc etc before I had a child.

While I don't agree with some people that you are transformed as a person by parenthood (I think I'm pretty much exactly the same, with the same priorities, but with a child I love), I've lived long enough to do a lot of things I wanted to and get established enough in my field to be able to benefit from flexibility and seniority, and to not be resentful about taking it easy for a few years while DS is young.

We've still moved countries twice since he was born, and moved again nine months ago, but I'm OK with probably staying in this country until DS leaves school to give him a bit of stability.

Motherhood hasn't lessened my ambition -- if anything, having to consider childcare means I've been more productive in shorter hours.

There's also the factor of having only one child by choice.

Never wanted kids, never on my radar, DH was the same. We’ve been together 20 years. I was always close to my nephews, and generally love kids at the ‘fun’ age. However, not a fan of babies at all. Would actively avoid holding newborns 😂 would hand them to DH as he’s great with babies lol.

Then at the age of 37, I lost both of my grandparents in quick succession then my sister had a baby and it just made me think of roots and stuff. Essentially, I felt like I might regret not having a child. So I decided that I wanted one! Thankfully DH was on board with the idea. It was hard going and lots of heartache (and actually I started thinking I wish we’d never started the ‘journey’) but DS is 18 months now.

Honestly, I thought I’d be terrible with him as a baby but you sort of just get on with it because you don’t have any choice and I was pleasantly surprised at how well I took to the handling and changing and feeding (bottle) etc and I had an amazing partner in DH so it was a real team effort.

DS is now at the age where you get a lot back from him and he’s good fun so I’m ready to come into my own now we’re out of the baby stages 🤣 I love it and don’t regret It for a second, but it has helped that DH and I have basically done everything, settled in careers, own home, well travelled etc. There’s nothing else I’d rather be doing now, I don’t feel like I’m missing anything, if that makes sense!

I never really wanted kids but like so many others thought it was something that I might regret.

DS is 15 now SLD, totally non verbal, doubly incontinent, will never live independently and most days are hell.

I just exist.

Add to that the worry of who will care for him when DH and I are no longer able.

Feeling cheated doesn't even come close to how I feel most days.

Oh also I still don’t like holding other people’s babies 🤣

It comes natural although it can be hard your instinctive love makes the hard parts worth it.
Keep in mind it gets easier each month when they're little.

Nothing useful to add, as I don't have any children, but I just wanted to say that this from babyboomtastic upthread is so lovely!
"It really helped that they didn't feel like random babies, but like family members I already knew and loved. It was like 'Oh, if I'd realised it was you, I wouldn't have worried' if that makes sense."