To ask those who didn't want children but ended up having them? What's it like?

[Betty94]

Hi all,

Bit of a weird thread but I was hoping there was someone who could give me a little bit of insight, I'm 26 and I've never wanted children, I'm not maternal in the slightest, I don't know how to interact with children or what they want from me

I'm due to have a little boy in January.

Can someone give me some advice or experience when you thought you were never going to have children or wanted children but ended up having them anyway for whatever reason? Good and bad experiences welcome, I'm just worried about everything.

Thank you

I had never wanted children. DH knew that but he did want them. We didn't meet until we were 30. When I was 34 I said I would have 1 DC because I knew how much he wanted one and that he would be a great dad.I had 3 in 5 years from when I was 35-40. They are now 5, 3 and 1.

I miss my life as it was - which was very self-indulgent and revolved around doing all the things we enjoyed when we wanted to .
Children are exhausting and can be very boring, it is mindless stuff at times. But I wouldn't swop them for anything. I love them so much and they are so funny, affectionate, curious, beautiful little things. Also grubby, demanding, noisy, messy, non-stop, exhausting, expensive. They always come first and I feel I am a mixture of: nanny, servant, driver, cleaner, cook, personal maid, problem-solver, teacher, cuddle-giver, zombie, playmate, friend and person who says No and Stop.

I never imagined I could love someone like I love them.

I am SAHM so gave up my career for them and a large salary.

I never even thought about whether I wanted children or not but married at the ridiculously young age of 20, unexpectedly pregnant 3 months later and we had our son on our first anniversary. I was very unsure right up until the birth but he was the best present we ever had.

I never wanted children because I had never met anyone I wanted to have children with.

Then I did meet that person and something just changed in how I felt about it. They're 16 and 14 now and I'd be lying if I said it was all Disney because it's bloody hard work sometimes, but I wouldn't change it, or them, for anything. They are fantastic kids and the feelings I have for them don't compare to anything else I've ever felt.

I was convinced I'd never have children and therefore convinced myself I didnt want any and was happy I was.
My pregnancy was a shock. My daughter is now 7 and I wouldn't change it for anything.

I think it’s not unusual to be not at all enamoured of children in general - especially if they’re whiny/spoilt brats/annoying for whatever reason.
But to feel quite differently about your own.

The night before I went into labour, I sobbed my eyes out because I thought I'd made a terrible mistake....

The first 6 weeks were hard. A huge adjustment and change of lifestyle and no sleep. The terrible twos were tough at times.

Despite all that, DS is almost 7 and I can honestly say he is the light of my life. I love being his Mummy and only regret not doing it earlier.

I’m not maternal in the slightest. My son is 3 and I still find it hard to think of myself as someone’s mum. I really struggled with pregnancy because I felt out of control, like this was happening to me and I couldn’t make it stop. I wasn’t fazed by birth but I’ve found it impossible to accept the changes to my body. People say you should be thankful for those body changes because they gave you your child - but I just want my own body back. I want my own life back, not this shitty half life where I’m trapped in the house unless I can afford childcare, lying in bed at 8pm every night trying to convince a small person to sleep.

I think the problem was that I assumed I would still be me - just with a child. But that’s not the case. Everything I have struggled with is just me attempting to get back to myself and fix the things that being a mother has taken away from me.

The first few years were awful because my baby was so heavily reliant on me that it prevented me being myself and living my own life. Now he is 3 he’s more independent and I can get on with my life a bit, read or work on the computer while he watches tv or plays with his cars etc. I love him to death but I’ve realised that I don’t want the changes that motherhood brings. I won’t be having another child.

I quite like mine, they are pretty awesome even though I never wanted kids. Didn't quite bargain on two with additional needs and often feel they should be with a mum who had wanted kids as I'm not cut out to be a mum who can give them what they need but we muddle on through

I didn't want any in my 20s. In my mid 30s I warned to the idea, but it took a long time to concieve. Now I have one child.
Still not keen on other children though. I don't coo over babies, and I don't do baby talk.

I didn’t at all. Had plenty of experience with kids, younger siblings, cousins, was an au pair. We were just living our lives, no intention to have a family, but then had a medical issue and was told I’d likely never conceive or carry a baby to term. So DTD without contraception knowing there was a tiny chance but thought what will be will be. Found out pregnant when over 13weeks gone. Had a healthy (very heavily monitored) pregnancy which was amazing but decided when baby was 4 months old that was it. I was a lot older - almost 38, but even though DS wasn’t a tricky baby, had no desire to have another and never felt broody. I have no guilt about him being an only. He’s a very happy child.

I don’t regret it and adore DS, but have noticed our parenting approach is quite different to our peers. I hated mummy groups and was very different to the other mums and found talk of weaning,feeding, weighing mind numbing. It was the worst and loneliest period of my life and I skipped back to work gleefully when he was 11mths old. I think I had no concerns or worries about DS, never cried stopping him off at nursery, was delighted on first day of school etc and I don’t really understand why people get emotional about their kids growing up. I just feel really proud of every new thing DS learns and how independent he’s getting.

At the baby stage we (Mostly) knew what we were doing - many of the other mums had never changed a nappy before their child, whereas both DH and I had done plenty.

Our lives don’t revolve around DS and we still do similar things we did before like adventurous holidays - Central American jungle, trekking and camping, go to Glastonbury etc but DS comes too. We are also more strict about DS contributing to the household chores and DH and I are very equal about caring for DS, we’ve never fallen into traditional roles/set up, I was more attached initially because of BFing but DH used to wake up and bring me DS to feed.

We have no family support nearby so we definitely don’t have anywhere enough couple time but as DS is so funny and lovely to be around we still enjoy many of the same things like eating out and visiting places - which we did from when DS was weeks old. Miss going to the movies though as DS still finds some U rated scary so we don’t do that much. I think our lives are different now, wouldn’t have said better in the early years (so much faff, so many snacks) but since DS turned about 4 and was more able to do things for himself and have opinions etc it’s been a pleasure.

The financial hit is quite something though, but overall we’re really happy. We’d have been happy anyway if he weren’t here, but I do feel very lucky and privileged we had a healthy child who’s just shaping up into a lovely person and wouldn’t swap him for anything.

Oh dear, I never wanted children but didn't realise I was pregnant until it was too late to have an abortion.
I did not enjoy motherhood, I was not happy, I was not a good mother.
I love my son but it would have been better if I'd not had any children.

From a different perspective, there are a lot of people out there who desperately want children, maybe go through ivf etc and then when the baby arrives they really struggle. Expectations of having a baby and how you will feel are often very different to how they are in reality. So basically, you won’t really know how you will feel until after baby is here and your hormones settle etc.

I know two women who did not want children but had them. One walked away from her husband and child. The child is grown up now but she still rarely sees him.

The other woman (her child is also grown up now) says she loves her child but if she could go back in time would not have them

I did want children but wasn’t in a hurry. I’ve never felt mature enough to be a mum. I loved being around family children but was more of a big playmate than a mothering figure. I had fertility problems and we made the decision to stop TTS and enjoy our lives. I was surprised to find out I was pregnant just before a big holiday. I resigned myself to another miscarriage, I had had multiple miscarriages by this stage. Booked 12 wk scan for uncalled fold etc fully expecting it to be all over but DS was doing well.
I didn’t really connect with baby until at 35weeks I had a growth scan and I realised he was now viable and looked like a baby not an alien. The switch flickedand I went into mum mode and have never looked back.
Some of the best mums I know have been those who were rather ambivalent. My own mum wanted a career rather than children, but was an amazing mum.
I have always followed my natural instinct as a mum, never read any books or attended any classes. DH lost his own father when he was 2 so has no father model to follow, we have very much winged it as far as parenting goes and so far DS has turned out a well rounded nice kid ( others comments not ours).
You don’t need to love anyone else’s children but loving your own is hard wired.

PS I still don’t feel mature enough to be a mum or to do the job I do for that matter. My brain always defaults to 18yrs old. I’m now mid 50s.

It's a cliche but holding your own baby is totally different to holding someone else's. It's like they fit into a little nook on your shoulder (and DH's shoulder!) which no other baby can quite find!

When you meet your own you'll know. Absolutely no need to worry about that. There'll be no-one in their life, ever, who knows them better than you

I love this.

I wasn't particularly maternal, just assumed I would have children because 'that's what you do' When my DC were born, I didn't get that rush of love so many women seem to get, the only thing I felt was relief that labour was over and that they were ok. My partner cried after both were born and fell in love with them instanlty, I was very indifferent towards them for a good few weeks. I still met all their needs and did everything a mother should do, but if the hospital phoned and said they'd made a mistake and I'd taken the wrong baby, I could have given them back no problem 😳 but my love for them grew steady and strong and I now love them with a ferocity I didn't know I could feel.

I do miss the old me sometimes, but my life is far richer for having my DC.

Interesting, most posters say theyfont like other children. So assuningly no one likes children ( except their own), which us understandable.

However if a child free woman says she doesn't like children theres often a very negative response.

My sister and her husband never wanted kids,then medication interfered with the pill and it happened. I feel bad saying this but they're not good parents. They are not naturals,it looks very forced and thought out when they are around their kids (they went on to have two more after,nobody knows why as they are utterly miserable ) They are highly stressed and expect the children to run like a professional well oiled machine they had them later in life and were very career focused. Still are. The children seem more like a hindrance to them than a joy 🙁

When I was younger I used to scold that I wanted a hysterectomy. Hated children and would look away if they’d look at me.

Now I have a 4 month old baby boy and im certainly glad I didn’t. What a treat he is, in fact, I want more. Nobody can tell you how you will feel, but for certain it will be hard, for me it all seems worth it when he looks at me and smiles or learns something new.

Expectations of having a baby and how you will feel are often very different to how they are in reality

AND THIS!!^^

But nothing lasts, whether it’s a day a week or a year that passes; happiness, sadness or tiredness doesn’t last.

It's interesting, I quite like children (find babies a bit boring) but have absolutely no desire to have one of my own so I always find it hard to get my head round not liking children but still wanting one of your own.

Interesting thread. I never wanted children. Lived abroad for a few years teaching in my mid to late 20s and then again in my early 30s.

It was only when I met my DH that I started to feel differently, I wanted children with him!

My DDs are now both teenagers and having them has been the best thing I ever did.

I want to add that for me looking back on the past decade, having dc didn't stop me from my dreams, things took longer but i still got there. The things i was mourning like carefree travel and reckless drinking and sleeping in late followed by carefree brunch and shopping really doesn't appeal anymore to me. I have had friendships and jobs come and go but my constant is my dc. They have been the most worthwhile decision i have made. I used to roll my eyes at parents saying this but I honestly think the most valuable thing in my life is my children and I have won and achieved prestiguous things in my life but none of them half matter to me as my dc. In many ways my dc have saved my life because i kept going for them.

betitpateau this exactly, you've said it so much better than I could.