To ask those who didn't want children but ended up having them? What's it like?

[Betty94]

Hi all,

Bit of a weird thread but I was hoping there was someone who could give me a little bit of insight, I'm 26 and I've never wanted children, I'm not maternal in the slightest, I don't know how to interact with children or what they want from me

I'm due to have a little boy in January.

Can someone give me some advice or experience when you thought you were never going to have children or wanted children but ended up having them anyway for whatever reason? Good and bad experiences welcome, I'm just worried about everything.

Thank you

Throughout their life so far, I've enjoyed every part of being their parent.
I loathed other people's opinions on my child's expectations. From "prepare yourself for the terrible twos" to sleeplessness stories. It's not that they aren't always correct it's just that I just love parenting even on the bad days.
Covid has taken some opportunities to Adventures with my child but they're healthy and there's always next year. Maybe.

I was totally unintersested in kids until l was in my mid 30s but DP always wanted them and l pursuaded myself that l should go for it. I had a difficult birth, PND and my anxiety went through the roof so things didn't get off to a great start but as they got bigger things got better and l'm really, really glad that l have them in my life!

This was me. No maternal instinct ever. After 5 years with my partner I decided if we were still together in another 5 years I would have a baby for him. I needed a 5 year run up! I was pregnant 2 months after stopping the pill on NYE, at 38 yrs.
I’d never held a baby, or changed a nappy and didn’t have any close friends with children. From the birth I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility, to give him the best of me and best of opportunity always - is that maternal? I still don’t know.
He’s 21 yrs now, fabulous, funny, studying hard and I’m so proud. I’m so pleased I made the scary decision in 1998; I’ve never regretted it. Good luck and enjoy, the years go so fast.

To flip it a bit, I wanted loads of kids. It was all I could imagine. I wanted to start young and have a big family of my own. I had DD at 22. Massively dysfunctional relationship, so I ended up doing it all alone. She's 8 now and I don't want to do it all over again on my own. Nor do I rely on finding "the one" to go from there. I have a lot more freedom now she's not so little and have been able to pursue my own interests and be "me" as well as being "Mummy". I had two miscarriages after DD so would have been a mum of 3 alone. Marriage and many kids were my dream. I'm done with babies, and any notion of marriage. All this to say, it can totally go the other way! I enjoy my baby nieces but I'm definitely not as maternal as I thought.

I'd love to say it's the best thing I ever did but honestly there are many days where I wish I'd listened to my gut. I love my kids, so much, and I'm very lucky I know but I am absolutely not cut out for motherhood. I find it boring, tedious and really hard sometimes.

But they're bloody amazing kids, very kind and resilient and smart so I think I can't be doing all that bad!

I didn’t, had a little surprise! at 38. But after the initial fainted shock horror lol all was well around month seven when it sunk in!
More so on baby arrival, then more shock (they’re bloody hard work!)
But if we had the chance to reverse time, we would choose the same path.

Fell pregnant unexpectedly after long-term contraceptive failure. Decided to have continue the pregnancy and now have DS, 13 months.

Had a rocky ride in last few weeks of pregnancy and first couple of months of his life due to post-natal anxiety which I’m convinced was triggered by a combination of the unexpectedness of the pregnancy (and not really confronting that until maternity leave started) and a traumatic birth but after some meds and therapy, I’m all good.

My DS is amazing. I don’t generally like other peoples’ children but mine is a-mazing. Don’t regret my choice for a second; love seeing the world through his eyes and he brings me so much joy. We’ve been fortunate that he was a great sleeper from 6 weeks and has been super easy in terms of eating and personality.

The real challenges I’ve found have been around finding time for myself and sometimes feeling overwhelmed because some days DS only wants me and no-one else but now I’m back at work, I feel much more like me again.

We aren’t planning on having any more children; I don’t want to rock the boat and have found a good rhythm with our new family unit.

...not using any contraception means actively trying to conceive though, so, good luck I suppose.

I don't know how to interact with children or what they want from me

When you meet your own you'll know. Absolutely no need to worry about that. There'll be no-one in their life, ever, who knows them better than you.

When I got pregnant (my husband wanted children) I was so horrified and panicked, I wished it away. Got my wish and lost the baby. Worst experience of my life and the shocking thing was the all consuming grief I felt that I would never expect to feel. I actually felt love and grief for someone I would never meet.

The following year I had my daughter who I love with all my heart and she healed the grief. I’m not going to dress it up - it’s hard work, you make mistakes, you worry about your child constantly, it affects your relationships with other people (my mil suddenly became the most annoying person in earth) but there are a lot of pluses.

I have learnt how to lighten up and be silly, how to push away my shyness and make some lovely friends, how to be all the things she needs a Mum to be. You just have to be there for them and try your best, your boy doesn’t need you to be perfect. You will learn how to do everything and you will learn how to enjoy him. To be honest it doesn’t really make you a better mother if you desperately wanted a baby. If you’re a person who likes to do things right, if you’ve a kind and caring nature then you’ll do just fine. We’re all muddling through, all of us.

The only difference I think is that in my darkest moments, when she’s driving me nuts or when I miss my old life, I do get a bit depressed and think “I never asked for this” but those moments don’t last. She’s given me lots of laughs and happy memories and at the end of the day I have someone I will always love, who loves me back. I wish you all the best x

@YoureRight

...not using any contraception means actively trying to conceive though, so, good luck I suppose.

Does it? I would have thought "actively trying to conceive" would mean actively trying to conceive not having sex once without contraception - I mean people have sex for other reasons other than to reproduce.

Thank you everyone for the replies, it's nice to know people have felt the same way, I did wonder if it worked the other way around too such as someone wanting nothing but a family and then having one and thinking it may not be for them. I'm glad to know I'm somewhat normal and feeling a little bit more hopeful for the future.

Ps I also look after children for a living now! If you’d told me that ten years ago I would never have believed it!!

You are definitely at risk of getting pregnant if you have unprotected sex, I'm surprised at your age you don't know this (I think most 12 years know this - or they should!)

The chances are you will love the baby and spend the next 18 years devoted to them and do as much as you can for them.
Your husband...not so much.
(See 90% of MN).

So don't worry about it, and enjoy.

@goisey

You are definitely at risk of getting pregnant if you have unprotected sex, I'm surprised at your age you don't know this (I think most 12 years know this - or they should!)

Where have I said I didn't think I was at risk? I literally said "the pregnancy was my fault" but I wouldn't say having sex unprotected once was actively trying to conceive - I'm well aware unprotected sex leads to pregnancy, in some cases even protected sex leads to pregnancy... I'm not denying that but again I wouldn't say I was actively trying to conceive.

It's not your 'fault' why would you use that word? Weren't there two of you having sex?

I never thought about concisely not having kids i never thought I wanted them either, I am not maternal although I did baby sit alot and have much younger siblings.

We bought a place, had savings and good jobs so let nature take its course and forgot about it, then my period was late and the rest is history.

Ds13 will be an only child for lots of reasons but we both love him more than anything

I was quite anti having kids until I accidentally got pregnant at 34 and had a miscarriage. My then DH decided then that he would like kids and I thought I go along with it and if we did we did, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if we didn’t. I had my first at 37 and it was like a switch had been flipped inside my brain. I’d had low grade depression for years and that just ended - just like that. I fell completely in love with her. She’s 15 now and I'm so proud of the young woman she’s becoming. I went on to have a son three years later and he’s funny and kind and makes me laugh every day. I love being mum and I never thought I would.

In terms of calculating BC failures, not using birth control doesn't equate to trying to become pregnant, it's still considered an accidental pregnancy if that happens. In fact, if you normally use a method like a condom, and don't once because you've run out, it's counted as a method failure.

People often say on these types of threads ‘I never like other people’s children’ or ‘I hate the idea of forced play dates for the kids sake or spending the day at a children’s party’ but I think that’s completely normal even for people who love being parents. I wanted kids and love my 3 (though do find it hard), but still do not relish the idea of spending my Sunday afternoon at a kids party, and I simultaneously find the company of my own 4 year old brilliant and entertaining and funny, but the company of any other 4 year old a bit boring and annoying (and am aware everyone else would think the same about my DD!), think that’s just normal though! Good luck OP, I think the fact you’re thinking this through and prepared for it to not all be wonderful and magical (but at the most unexpected times it will be ), you’ll be ok

I wanted children, not sure why as I'm not keen on other people's children.
I had DD when I was 35, we'd had 10yrs child free up until then.
I won't lie, it's been hard sometimes. I had PND badly, but I love DD to the core. I am glad she is a teen now, as I hated having to deal with other people's children and you can't avoid that. I'm not confident with kids, no idea how to deal with them and often just find them irritating. Much as I love my lovely DD, the toddler years were wearing and toddler conversation can be mind numbing. We struggled to conceive a second child and if I'm being honest I didn't try very hard. I'm glad I only have one.

I am hugely envious of those that can interact with children easily and who actually enjoy it and I'm in awe of anyone who works with young children.

A friend had a baby, because a family was so important to her husband. She always said she didn't want children and she is struggling with her baby.

I was never going to have kids
Then i found out i was 27 weeks pregnant

Its been hard, especially the early days. Im not cut out for the mundane and relentlessness of babies and toddlers and dd is an only cos of this and my medical phobias.
A lot of the early years are a blur.

Now dd 10 i cope much better and enjoy being a parent now.
Have always loved her to bits but i wont lie and say it set of some maternal switch, it didnt, i still MUST have my ME time, dont deal with whiney crap well lol

@RoseGoldEagle

That's an interesting post, most people I know seem to love children and enjoy entertaining other people's children. Always thought I was a misfit😳 I was so glad when I could go to the park with a book and DD could play with others, without needing me to push her on the swings etc.

I got pregnant at your age (was on the pill but it just happened) and also found out very late! I never wanted kids (terrible upbringing) so it was a big shock.

Things to think about

1. Having them young is fabulous. Though it disrupted work a bit, it was so easy to go back and I'm delighted I had mine in my 20s when I had so much more energy (I'm late 40s now and knackered!)
2. There's loads of support out there - baby groups, post natal help. If you're struggling don't suffer in silence
3. Stop and enjoy it - it goes so fast. Mine have left home now and there are times when I wish I had savoured every moment more!
4. Try and learn what you can now - I ignored a lot of my first pregnancy because I was terrified and then knew v little when the baby was born. Research things but don't forget, a lot of things you read will be an opinion but it's still good to know something!

Congratulations btw. I don't regret it at all but I was utterly terrified at the stage you're at now so have massive sympathies

I was never maternal, had never been broody, and never interested in other people's babies or children (bit of a party girl) but ended up having two myself and now wished I'd had more.

Totally surprisingly I found I loved being a mum - our two are in their 20s now and have both moved out, and it feels like their childhoods all went in a flash - I miss them when they were little, it was so much fun and they were so sweet, I wish I'd relished it more at the time, wish I hadn't complained about it. It was hard work and relentless at times but so incredibly special too - I realise that now looking back.

Being a parent also changed me as a person, made me less selfish and self-absorbed.

Good luck.