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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's away with the fairies

125 replies

charmedllama · 17/10/2020 00:00

Please help me. I'm I a relationship with a man I love and care for deeply. He's at a juxtaposition in his life I guess, and he wants to build a future for us (him, me and my 3 children). It's a fairly new relationship but we've been close for a long time. We're in our 40s if that changes anything.

He's decided that now his mortgage is paid off he's going to rent the place out and take out another mortgage of £250k and go in with two partners to develop a plot of land in to 6 flat and a 3 bed house. The whole thing is fucking mental and I can't get through to him! He has no experience whatsoever and this eve I asked him who would project manage and he didn't even know what I meant. Please tell me how to talk him down. I know nothing about building regs, development of anything...but even I can see that this is batshit. All three men don't seem to share a brain cell between them.

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Original poster
charmedllama · 17/10/2020 00:02

Apologies for my typos. It's Friday and wine happened.

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HeddaGarbled · 17/10/2020 00:08

He won’t get the mortgage if the lenders also think it’s batshit so I’d just chill. Do make sure your own finances are kept separate, though, in case it is a disaster.

Hailtomyteeth · 17/10/2020 00:11

His money, his choice.

Make sure you're not tied into it. Protect yourself financially.

Original poster
charmedllama · 17/10/2020 00:15

@HeddaGarbled

He won’t get the mortgage if the lenders also think it’s batshit so I’d just chill. Do make sure your own finances are kept separate, though, in case it is a disaster.
It's just one harebrained idea after another right now. I'm losing the will to live. Last month he was going to open a restaurant, with no experience and no idea of what constitutes good food (IMO) and the month before he was going to buy a failing pub and turn it in to a gastro pub.
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Original poster
charmedllama · 17/10/2020 00:17

@Hailtomyteeth

His money, his choice.

Make sure you're not tied into it. Protect yourself financially.

There's no chance. I'm not about to commit financial suicide nor will I be taken down is his Del Boy schemes.
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HeddaGarbled · 17/10/2020 00:24

Ah, it’s just talk then.

HeddaGarbled · 17/10/2020 00:25

No need to piss all over his fantasies.

Original poster
charmedllama · 17/10/2020 00:30

Urgh! How do I deal with this bollocks? He's going to travel some distance to view the development plot in a few days. It's mental.
But then something else stupid will crop up. His arrogance in thinking he can turn his relatively small amount of money in to mega bucks is quite astounding!

Please, oh wise women of mumsnet. Tell me practical things to say to him to stop him in his tracks.

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Original poster
charmedllama · 17/10/2020 00:31

@HeddaGarbled

No need to piss all over his fantasies.
It's not just a fantasy, or I wouldn't care. He's prepared to gamble everything on these nutjob ideas.
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Original poster
charmedllama · 17/10/2020 00:33

He's actually viewed premises on each occasion. It's almost like the money is burning a hole in his pocket. He's deadly serious...whilst I'm in the loo trying not to piss myself with laughter (probs the best place to be if you're going to piss yourself, mind).

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Boom45 · 17/10/2020 00:36

It sounds like he's got the sort of personality that gets carried away with schemes and ideas. As he's in his 40s, if this is his personality then there might not be anything you can do about it. If it's not your money or security he's intent on gambling on shiny new schemes then your best course of action might be deciding if you can spend your life with him listening to his plans and letting them fizzle out (if that's what it is) or if its not for you. Trying to change a partner into the person you want them to be isnt usually a fulfilling relationship

MiniMum97 · 17/10/2020 00:37

@HeddaGarbled

He won’t get the mortgage if the lenders also think it’s batshit so I’d just chill. Do make sure your own finances are kept separate, though, in case it is a disaster.
I don't know about that. A friends husband did similar. No idea what he was doing. Went to a few of those property development seminars. He had to declare bankruptcy.
SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/10/2020 00:37

I hope he reads this... 😑

Original poster
charmedllama · 17/10/2020 00:39

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I hope he reads this... 😑
Yeah, me too actually. Because I've tried to tell him this is nuts until I'm blue in the face.
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Original poster
charmedllama · 17/10/2020 00:43

@Boom45

It sounds like he's got the sort of personality that gets carried away with schemes and ideas. As he's in his 40s, if this is his personality then there might not be anything you can do about it. If it's not your money or security he's intent on gambling on shiny new schemes then your best course of action might be deciding if you can spend your life with him listening to his plans and letting them fizzle out (if that's what it is) or if its not for you. Trying to change a partner into the person you want them to be isnt usually a fulfilling relationship
Yes, sadly this is what I'm thinking. My late father was the same... always coming up with some innovative idea to turn his rags in to riches. My poor mum tolerated it for 40 plus years, during which time he lost their life savings, the house was repossessed and they went bankrupt. It's like history is repeating itself. 😞
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wheresmymojo · 17/10/2020 00:51

Random question from someone with bipolar disorder.

Does he ever get periods of depression?

If not; then ignore me!

Original poster
charmedllama · 17/10/2020 00:56

@wheresmymojo

Random question from someone with bipolar disorder.

Does he ever get periods of depression?

If not; then ignore me!

No, I don't think so. He's wonderful to be around, so funny and smart. But I have thought before that he might be on the spectrum, and it's emerged that other prominent people in his life have also expressed this.
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WhereamI88 · 17/10/2020 01:03

It doesn't sounds good and it's important for you to realize he won't change, no matter what you say or do. Are you prepared to listen to his nonsense for years to come? It'll drive you insane....I wouldn't make any commitment to him yet like moving in together.

MiddlesexGirl · 17/10/2020 01:07

If the reason he's got £250k to spare is because you're letting him move in with you then there's an easy answer to your dilemma.

Pinnacular · 17/10/2020 01:07

If he's hell bent on something like this would he be redirected to something more secure, like buying a property to rent out? Possibly something that needs a little bit of superficial work so it gives him an achievable project.

Original poster
charmedllama · 17/10/2020 01:08

I guess what I really want is someone to tell me how to bring him back down to Earth with a few strategical but knowledgeable questions about his proposed idea to become a development giant...because in my heart and head I know this is fucking tragic, and I can't listen to it any more.

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Original poster
charmedllama · 17/10/2020 01:08

@MiddlesexGirl

If the reason he's got £250k to spare is because you're letting him move in with you then there's an easy answer to your dilemma.
Of course I'm not!!! Jesus Christ, I'm not that stupid.
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Original poster
charmedllama · 17/10/2020 01:10

Although to clarify. I love him. I want to live with him. BUT I won't accept a cock lodger. Nor will I allow him to gamble with my children's future.

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giantangryrooster · 17/10/2020 01:16

You asked what to say to him, this will do and if it doesn't you should reconsider. (and see a therapist, sorry but you are having father issues) Smile.

Yes, sadly this is what I'm thinking. My late father was the same... always coming up with some innovative idea to turn his rags in to riches. My poor mum tolerated it for 40 plus years, during which time he lost their life savings, the house was repossessed and they went bankrupt. It's like history is repeating itself.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 17/10/2020 01:19

A relative would direct her husband towards potentially profitable ideas and try and encourage low cost activities that would help. He wanted to go into IT so she got him to look at evening classes. He lost interest and didn't complete the course. He wanted to open a garage so she got him doing a mechanics course. He lost interest. There were a variety of things he wanted to do but everything took too much time to set up and a lot of effort for slow results. Some were completely ridiculous.

What he actually wanted was to be self employed. He couldn't stand his job. She got him to have his own market stall and have an ebay shop. It was not that profitable but he was a lot happier.

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