To think he's away with the fairies

[charmedllama]

Please help me. I'm I a relationship with a man I love and care for deeply. He's at a juxtaposition in his life I guess, and he wants to build a future for us (him, me and my 3 children). It's a fairly new relationship but we've been close for a long time. We're in our 40s if that changes anything.

He's decided that now his mortgage is paid off he's going to rent the place out and take out another mortgage of £250k and go in with two partners to develop a plot of land in to 6 flat and a 3 bed house. The whole thing is fucking mental and I can't get through to him! He has no experience whatsoever and this eve I asked him who would project manage and he didn't even know what I meant. Please tell me how to talk him down. I know nothing about building regs, development of anything...but even I can see that this is batshit. All three men don't seem to share a brain cell between them.

In this case I would be worried that he didn’t know what project managing meant.
But it doesn’t always fail, this is how risk takers can make money. It’s not for everyone, especially if you are risk averse though.

I'd see a middle ground. Keep the relationship on it's current basis, just don't invest emotionally or financially in his scheme. Make clear that he won't be moving in with you because of your fear of ending up like your mum. It's ok for him to speculate. It's ok for you to prioritise security. Make sure you speak positively of each of your positions. You aren't afraid to take a risk, short sighted, tame, meek, he isn't reckless, stupid, harebrained etc.

Mention his previous plans- the restaurant etc. 'Are you sure you won't miss the restaurant you wanted?'
Mention other possibilities- what about a smaller property to see if you like being a landlord?
Encourage him to do the groundwork- go on a landlord's course etc. Visit a letting agent.

Don't be rigid in your thinking.

Be careful op. Such fantasies can be an indicator of a narcissist. Endless hairbrained schemes (and stories). Revolving around wealth, power or fame and how they will get them with seemingly sod all work (because obviously they are brilliant and can just click their fingers and manage things we mortals never could... ...).

Be careful op. Such fantasies can be an indicator of a narcissist. Endless hairbrained schemes (and stories). Revolving around wealth, power or fame and how they will get them with seemingly sod all work (because obviously they are brilliant and can just click their fingers and manage things we mortals never could... ...).

Do you not think he worked to pay off his mortgage? Honestly, there’s enough baggage on this thread to sink an aircraft carrier.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with his idea. If he had some experience of buying and selling houses or renovating and btl but to jump with both feet into a major project when he quite clearly doesn’t know the first thing about property sounds incredibly risky.

I would suggest he starts by buying something that needs renovating so he can get a handle on organising the trades and then work himself up,

I don’t know the people who he is involved with but either none of them really knows what they are doing or one of them knows exactly what he is doing going into “business with 2 people who have more money than sense.

I'm going to go against the grain but I think you are coming across as much to controlling. You say it's a newish relationship so I don't think you are in a position to force him to do what you want.

Some people are like your oh and manage to be extremely successful. I have a few friends in my life just line that, coming up with crazy ideas, everyone telling them they were mad and didn't know what they were doing and yet had very good businesses. So e people learn very quickly.

You say he is mortgage free. Is this through his labour or inheritance?

I would stay out of it, he is entitled to ce an entrepreneur. You are entitled not to join your finances with him now support him financially. You don't have to commit for life if you are worried but you can't tell him what to do either when it doesn't impact in you directly.

@flaviaritt

If this was the other way round and the OP’s partner was being this controlling about what she did with her own money, MN would be calling for his head.

But surely the idea of being in a relationship is to move closer and combine your lives? Are you saying that if he rents out his house and loses all the money in his investment and can’t keep a roof over his head, that he wouldn’t look to the OP for help? This is, presumably, someone the OP is considering spending her life with. I think she has a right to at least know what that might look like.

But surely the idea of being in a relationship is to move closer and combine your lives?

But that isn’t what the OP has said at all. If she was saying it was on the cards for them to buy a place together and now he’s suggesting making this huge investment, keeping it in his name but living with her, I’d agree. There’s no sign of any of that.

It's not baggage, I just make a point of drawing attention to possible dysfunction where I see it.

OP has pointed out he knows nothing about property developing and yet is taking on a huge project with other people who know nothing about it.

How do we know how he paid off his mortgage. Maybe he sucked dosh off some other woman who worked all her days whilst he told her stories of how he would contribute someday, via his hair brained schemes. Or maybe he worked like everyone else.

But he sounds like a bit of a fantasist and that may indicate he is just a little bit of a dreamer who gets carried away. Or it may indicate an underlying disorder such as npd.

OP, I hope you've paid attention to some of the very wise posters on here who are suggesting that you are doing a very similar thing that you're accusing him of: trying to rationalise and transform an insane situation and hoping that, this time, he'll be different, and you won't end up like your mother did.

So before you put heart and soul into preventing him from making the same mistakes he's always done, take a look in the mirror and see if a large part of the problem perhaps lies closer to home.

Point out that we are in the middle of a pandemic.........................

I think there’s definitely some fantasising going on here. Anyway, the OP doesn’t need to worry. It’s not her money, she isn’t being asked to do anything, so whether he’s Del Boy or not, it’s not really her problem unless she plans for them to combine finances, and she says not so...

Could u direct him to mini project. His house is paid off. Could he remodel it, add loft conversion or extension to add value?

If he's so work shy and mad, where did he manage to get his house from? Inheritance? Divorce settlement(s)? Got his name on another woman's deeds and took half? All sadly common in the cocklodging and grifting worlds.

The cocklodging and grifting venn diagram would have "schemes of unimaginable success and riches thwarted by the unworthy" right at the centre

Presumably he'll live with you when he rents his house out never progresses this mad plan.

I wouldn't even keep my money separate and keep on with this because he'll probably work on you psychologically in the hope that you'll break - and trying to safeguard and protect one's mental independence doesn't make for a good relationship, life or mental health. What if a life event makes you vulnerable, could you still withstand his pleas? Why keep proximity to someone so financially dangerous?

If the reason he's got £250k to spare is because you're letting him move in with you then there's an easy answer to your dilemma.

Of course I'm not!!! Jesus Christ, I'm not that stupid.

So where's he going to live then if he rents out his place and then gets a mortgage on a piece of land? Has he explained where he's going to be living. With his parents? In a caravan on the said plot of land?
Make sure he's clear that he will not be moving in with you. Not now and not ever because these financial schemes could end up bring you down too. No moving in. No joint finances. No marriage.
He might be assuming he's moving in with you once his house is rented out....

my dad was like this op aswell-lost our home several times because he thought he could pull off deals left and right and fraudently

lucky your dp has his own house but if hes renting it out wheres he going to live

Sometimes we have to let people fail. Either this scheme will go ahead or it will fizzle like all the others. If it goes ahead, it will either be completed or not, and successful or not. If you are a bit of a "fixer" then it can be really hard not to step in and try to prevent a failure, but you need to accept that it will not be your failure if it fails, any more than it would be your success if it made a profit. This would be part of his work life and you don't need to be a part of that.

It doesn't sound like a great plan to me, and having partners would worry me, but neither of us are being asked to put any money in. It does seem like schemes to make his fortune are his "thing" and if this one doesn't go ahead it will be replaced with another one. You can either accept that this will be a part of your future together, you can try to disengage from it and let him get one with it, or you can end the relationship. There is no option where years and years of stress and worry will change anything about him.

at least he has ideas op,
he is not dull

@Mellonsprite

In this case I would be worried that he didn’t know what project managing meant. But it doesn’t always fail, this is how risk takers can make money. It’s not for everyone, especially if you are risk averse though.

No this is actually not true at all. People who have taken risks and become successful don't just randomly embark on hair brained schemes. Those who have success are usually meticulous planners, they do their research, chose very wisely then work vey hard to make it happen. Yes there is usually risk involved but it is a carefully calculated risk which is mitigated by experience and insight.

He's prepared to gamble everything on these nutjob ideas

That right there would tell me there's no future in this relationship.

My advice to you is end it before you're in too deep. You won't make him "see sense" because he isn't a sensible person, he's a fantasist. Before you know it he will have lost it all, you'll be letting him move in out of pity or even worse be married to him.
That's when the "ideas" to play plastic Alan sugar with your assets will start.

You can present reason after reason until you're blue in the face but this is part of this mans core character.

Proceed at your peril.

I also agree that unless this is a passing phase triggered by world events or something I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who was completely irrational like this.

I think it's unlikely he'd be approved. It also sounds like just talk, my grandparents were the same, always had some crazy idea on what to spend an unbelievable amount of money on, they too bought a falling pub then sold it a few months later when they realised how much work it would be.

Mellonsprite
No this is actually not true at all. People who have taken risks and become successful don't just randomly embark on hair brained schemes. Those who have success are usually meticulous planners, they do their research, chose very wisely then work vey hard to make it happen. Yes there is usually risk involved but it is a carefully calculated risk which is mitigated by experience and insight.

Jeez, didn’t expect a lecture on this 🙄. If you’re risk averse in the first instance you aren’t even going to go near a developing project.
Of course it needs to be well thought through and planned, although I didn’t see the point in boring the arse off everyone by ‘explaining’ a risk assessment process on the thread, but you did.

@Mellonsprite

You're misreading my post. I invest, I have lots of friends who have businesses - some in higher risk areas. I absolutely understand that investment involves risk. What it doesn't involve though is flitting from one hair brained idea to the next without actually taking the trouble to really know the market and aquire the relevant experience and knowledge.

What you're talking about is commonly referred to as 'dumb flow'. It's people investing money without the slightest clue what they're doing. You don't make money that way.

@Rotundandhappy

The guy has cleared his mortgage in his 40s. He’s obviously far more savvy than the OP.

The guy has no kids, the OP is a single mam of three.