To think he's away with the fairies

[charmedllama]

Please help me. I'm I a relationship with a man I love and care for deeply. He's at a juxtaposition in his life I guess, and he wants to build a future for us (him, me and my 3 children). It's a fairly new relationship but we've been close for a long time. We're in our 40s if that changes anything.

He's decided that now his mortgage is paid off he's going to rent the place out and take out another mortgage of £250k and go in with two partners to develop a plot of land in to 6 flat and a 3 bed house. The whole thing is fucking mental and I can't get through to him! He has no experience whatsoever and this eve I asked him who would project manage and he didn't even know what I meant. Please tell me how to talk him down. I know nothing about building regs, development of anything...but even I can see that this is batshit. All three men don't seem to share a brain cell between them.

Point out to him that there is currently a glut of empty flats on the market, and some people believe that property prices may well drop, as a result of the recession/unemployment rising due to the pandemic. Has he watched too many episodes of Homes Under The Hammer, and seen all those people making quick profits? If so, point out to him that no doubt there are many people who lose money on such projects, where costs can easily escalate, but those people are never featured on the programme (which is sponsored by a DIY chain).

He sounds like he's getting carried away with the idea of easy money, but he hasn't really thought it through. Are his friends/potential business partners experienced builders/property developers/architects?

@giantangryrooster

You asked what to say to him, this will do and if it doesn't you should reconsider. (and see a therapist, sorry but you are having father issues) .

Yes, sadly this is what I'm thinking. My late father was the same... always coming up with some innovative idea to turn his rags in to riches. My poor mum tolerated it for 40 plus years, during which time he lost their life savings, the house was repossessed and they went bankrupt. It's like history is repeating itself.

That's interesting. I've had father issues my whole life and have had therapy for it too.

Sorry op you are sleep walking or rather determined to follow in your mums shoes

Instead of enjoying dating and juggling your own family life with your kids
your gate keeping your new fella trying to stop him from making huge life mistakes

You do realise he's not just started being like this, it's part of his DNA
I'll say this gently are you seriously contemplating a life with a guy you have to read the fine print too all the time?

I have lived with someone similar and he is now my ex partner. His decisions had a massive impact on our family. In his mind his needs came first and he neglected our emotional and physical needs. And yes I talked to him many times about his decisions and me taking the fall out. I am no longer in that position and content. as have "enough". to cover bills and essentials.

whats a cock lodger?

How about suggesting he starts a simpler route by doing a buy to let on s small decent condition property and renting his current mortgage free house. No project management, regular income, step onto the property empire ladder. No potential complications with business partners.

@Guiltypleasures001

Sorry op you are sleep walking or rather determined to follow in your mums shoes

Instead of enjoying dating and juggling your own family life with your kids
your gate keeping your new fella trying to stop him from making huge life mistakes

You do realise he's not just started being like this, it's part of his DNA
I'll say this gently are you seriously contemplating a life with a guy you have to read the fine print too all the time?

this. surely it must have occurred to you that part of the attraction/ infatuation is because of this seeming resemblance to your father' s behaviour. this is not the right man for you. it would not be history repeating itself, history has no agency or choice. you do. think of your children and their equilibrium.

Eep!

Upvote for therapy.

Your mirrored relationship with your parents is no accident. This is a fairly specific personality quirk.

Also fascinated to know where he will live if own home is rented and not cocklodging with OP

Not a business person then OP? Business involves calculated financial risks and often borrowing money. Now, if you had given any relevant information, such as whether he is planning to set up a limited company with his potential business partners, that would have been helpful.

From what you've said, at the moment he appears to be showing interest in a plan with 2 potential business partners. What on earth is wrong with that? Who do you think develops properties and starts up businesses? Property development isn't that hard, it's not as if we don't employ different trades and use professionals such as architects, surveyors and solicitors.

If your partner has paid off his mortgage in his forties, then he is in a much stronger financial position than most people, including you. He doesn't exactly show signs of being the hapless idiot you make him out to be. He's in a great position to obtain business funding for a development if he's mortgage free, and he would be required to take professional advice before signing anything. What is the problem? You want the benefit of his mortgage free house for yourself?

I don't think you're compatible - it sounds like you need a nice little meek man who is happy to trot out to work 9-5 each day, earning a nice salary which he hands over to you.

I'd be horrified if my partner was posti g this sort of negative, unambitious stuff about me on an Internet site. If you can't support him or share his dreams, leave him rather than holding him back.

There is nothing he is doing i think should stop or be changed, I could not be a relationship with a person who was like him but not because it is wrong!

I am in a relationship with my husband but although we are not thr same and have different interests and hobbies we do match on life so it works for us

If you cannot accept this person the way he is then stick to raising your children yourself and on your own.

Sounds like he's watched too many episodes of Homes Under The Hammer!

You're trying to change him to mould him into the man you want. You need to stop. He's not the man for you. You want someone steady and sensible (fair enough) and he's not that person.

Where does he intend to live if he's renting his home?

Sounds like a typical pie in the sky person. All talk, never actually does anything about it.

@Elderflower14

Sounds like he's watched too many episodes of Homes Under The Hammer!

I was actually going to suggest that he watch homes under the hammer to get a reality check for why this wouldn't be a good idea. All of the bigger/multi plot buys always take longer than expected and inevitably always cost more money. Especially if there's no planning permission (that itself can take ages if it's not pre-approved).

What does he do for work now @charmedllama, and where will he live when he rents his home out?

He must have done something right to be mortgage free, and perhaps he’s happy to risk the equity. If he is on the spectrum there will be other traits and you need to look at the whole picture, including the fact that he reminds you of your father and you are already feeling insecure.

I would question why he thought a restaurant or pub would be a good investment during a pandemic but I think you need to accept that this is is his personality and you can’t save him from himself.

I can understand how you feel, OP, because this would drive me up the wall, and make me think very much less of him. But I think you’re asking the wrong question here. You’re asking for advice on how to talk him out of this particular scheme, but you know from past experience that this is all part of a much wider pattern of behaviour. So if you talk him out of this one, all you’re doing is postponing the agony until the next get rich quick idea strikes (or the plausible friend who’s getting carried away with his money sweeps him off his feet again), and you’ll be destined to repeat this every few weeks when the latest idea comes along.

I think you’d be better focussing on asking him hard questions about the wider pattern of behaviour and trying to get him to work out what need this behaviour is trying to fulfil. Has he explained to you why he feels it’s important to jeopardise the financial security you all currently enjoy? I think I would be very clear about why you’re so concerned in general (your parents’ experience) and have a good think about whether you want to tether your life to this man and risk your future life chances, and those of your children, if he’s unwilling or unable to change things.

Personally, I could never be in a relationship with someone who would play fast and loose with his own financial security, let alone mine.

What is so hairbrained about this development idea? You say you have no experience.

You seem particularly risk averse due to your upbringing (for enough) but what is it about this plan to build houses that frightens you?

It’s what my family do for a living. It’s very lucrative if done right. Who are the other parties? What is their experience?

He won’t ever listen to you and isn’t going to change. You’re wasting your time so id call it a day in the relationship.

The hills are that way>>>>>>>>>.
Run.

Do you want this for the rest of your life ? One scheme after another.

Have you 9aid off your mortgage OP? Are you a great example to be telling someone who has that they are irrisponsible for being interested in business ideas?

@IncandescentSilver I bet you’re either rich or completely skint 😂

You sound horrible. He’s worked hard and wants to turn his hard work into a business by investing his money in a project of his choice. Leave him alone.