To think he's away with the fairies

[charmedllama]

Please help me. I'm I a relationship with a man I love and care for deeply. He's at a juxtaposition in his life I guess, and he wants to build a future for us (him, me and my 3 children). It's a fairly new relationship but we've been close for a long time. We're in our 40s if that changes anything.

He's decided that now his mortgage is paid off he's going to rent the place out and take out another mortgage of £250k and go in with two partners to develop a plot of land in to 6 flat and a 3 bed house. The whole thing is fucking mental and I can't get through to him! He has no experience whatsoever and this eve I asked him who would project manage and he didn't even know what I meant. Please tell me how to talk him down. I know nothing about building regs, development of anything...but even I can see that this is batshit. All three men don't seem to share a brain cell between them.

Of course it needs to be well thought through and planned, although I didn’t see the point in boring the arse off everyone by ‘explaining’ a risk assessment process on the thread, but you did.
The point is that this clearly isn't well thought through and planned - that's what the post is about. If you're bored by talking about how to invest money in property maybe don't come to a thread specifically about that topic.

*Rotundandhappy
The guy has cleared his mortgage in his 40s. He’s obviously far more savvy than the OP.
The guy has no kids, the OP is a single mam of three.

I'd be concerned if he hadn't cleared 250k by his forties with no kids.

I agree with others that you have some issues with your parents relationship to work through.

Nothing fantastic about paying a mortgage off in your forties if you are single, no kids and the mortgage was commensurate with your income.

Three things are needed for property development - land, money and expertise. It is frequently the case that parties will make those contributions individually.

He does sound too undecided though. Perhaps all he needs to do is keep his business plans out of your relationship?

@HamAndButterSandwich - Ok, just found your tone a little patronising that’s all. Completely agree with you too.

@Mellonsprite
Sorry rereading it you're right my tone was off and came across a bit twatish.

I think when someone has a bad idea the best way to get them over it is to, if possible, suggest a better idea. I've learned this in, uhm, debates, with husband, although not something as big as this.

Could you think of a better thing for him to do with the money/some money has his time so you can say 'I think a better idea than this development would be....' I've found this much more effective in turning DH away from bad ideas (like having a bath in our bedroom., by the window, which looks out onto the street, which he seriously thought was a good idea for a bit) and means it doesn't put him on the defensive.

I would be seriously reconsidering this relationship.

You’re repeating the pattern of your childhood.

If you do stay with him, protect your children. Do not join finances either him. Do not add him to any tenancy agreements. Do not allow him to contribute towards your mortgage. Do not marry him.

@HamAndButterSandwich thank you, I also wish I could delete / edit my comment about ‘boring the arse off’, sorry that was unnecessary too.

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter that is literally all you know about him.

His money, his investment risk, his life. The OP sounds like she thinks so little of him that she’s best off out of it, and so is he.

I admire people who constantly strive to better themselves and who are prepared to take risk which doesn’t affect others. Which this doesn’t sound like it would.

[quote Rotundandhappy]@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter that is literally all you know about him.

His money, his investment risk, his life. The OP sounds like she thinks so little of him that she’s best off out of it, and so is he.

I admire people who constantly strive to better themselves and who are prepared to take risk which doesn’t affect others. Which this doesn’t sound like it would.[/quote]
Ditto. You don't know if it's paid off because it's a tiny studio flat in a shit hole area that doesn't have to be in a school catchment area, or that his parents gave him a huge deposit, or he had a redundancy pay out, or inheritance or hell that he even won on scratchcards. Paid off mortgage doesn't always mean it's down to graft or savviness.

I agree his money his gain/loss but I with PPs are intrigued to know where he's living seeing as he's renting his home out and concerned he thinks he's going to cocklodge with the OP. I've had experience of people like this before and they're always on the take, so I'd rather the OP is aware.

If this was a well thought out plan that had been completely researched so he knows what to look for in a plot and not just this months fancy then I would say he might pull it off.

However to just go off and start viewing stuff without any idea as to what problems there might be is money wasting. Even just the petrol money to view the plot is a waste

Not every plot of land is suitable to be built on.

@flaviaritt

Be careful op. Such fantasies can be an indicator of a narcissist. Endless hairbrained schemes (and stories). Revolving around wealth, power or fame and how they will get them with seemingly sod all work (because obviously they are brilliant and can just click their fingers and manage things we mortals never could... ...).

Do you not think he worked to pay off his mortgage? Honestly, there’s enough baggage on this thread to sink an aircraft carrier.

😂😂😂 Yup

@KatherineJaneway

Sounds like a typical pie in the sky person. All talk, never actually does anything about it.

This is him. 😆 I've woke up with a pounding head today but had a read through and some of the assumptions made by a few posters are astounding.

I am a business person actually. I have a little business of my own, and before anyone starts...no it isn't MLM or some shit like that.

He's not going to be living with me. He has digs at work while his house is let out, just temporarily until he figures out his next move.

Presumably if he has paid off a mortgage by the age 40 he will have some clue about how life works? It does sound extremely strange to be having these grandiose schemes without any real idea how to carry them out.

In all honesty I could not live with someone like this. The constant emotional roller coaster makes for a difficult relationship, and I just wouldn't bother. Talking him down won't work. People who go up like this tend not to have the capacity to see reason and common sense anyway,

If you're totally sure the building project won't work then reconsider this relationship because this is your life for the next 30 years.

Why are you so annoyed by this OP? Its not your money, or your house and its not a long relationship. Is it because you thought you knew who he was and now he is beginning to seem like someone different? You are quite bitter in your criticism of him. Doing this in partnership with 3 others seems quite sensible really - if it ever gets off the ground. It doesn't seem at a very advanced stage of planning.

But why wouldn't someone in their forties do something like this? I know a few property developers and they are mainly aged forties - sixties. Some of them had to wait that long to have the funds and financial security to make it viable.

I am amazed that a sane and level-headed business woman with some life experience behind her who is in a great relationship with a man who seemingly has done nothing wrong other than to contemplate property development with others who will contribute and work as a team could seriously ask in their opening post Please help me

OP,
I would urge you to disengage with him.

You have 3 children, you sound like a mother trying to reason with a headstrong teen that hasn't a clue.

It's beyond tiresome and dull.

Not being able to tk someone out of financial suicide is so draining.

Some people won't be happy until they have gone through the money burning a hole in their pocket.

When his money is eventually gone, what will then happen? Will you spend years listening to his woe is me whining.

Detach. You need a man, not another child to parent.

He's not going to be living with me. He has digs at work while his house is let out, just temporarily until he figures out his next move.

Just make sure he is absolutely clear that his next move is not moving in with you. What if something goes wrong at work and the accommodation falls through? He needs to have a back up plan that does not involve him living with you!
I think it would be fair of you to clarify this with him so he knows absolutely where he stands.

"IncandescentSilver" Stop patronizing OP and minimizing the effect "risk" has on a family set up such as this. Maybe you can afford huge loss/gain in your circumstances which may not be similar to OP. Getting on the journey to massive financial gain over years plus or losing financial gain has massive implications on a family. "a nice little meek man" is poorly, thought out comment.

But why wouldn't someone in their forties do something like this? I know a few property developers and they are mainly aged forties - sixties. Some of them had to wait that long to have the funds and financial security to make it viable

But I bet they did research and knew that someone would have to be in charge of project managing.

There is nothing wrong in doing what this guy wants to do if it is even a tiny bit researched not just the highs but the lows of what could go wrong.

I would say paying off his mortgage has gone a bit to his head and the potential money is burning a hole in his pocket

Still think he should be wary that his friends are all on the same page and one isn’t viewing this as 2 guys with more money than sense

But why wouldn't someone in their forties do something like this? I know a few property developers and they are mainly aged forties - sixties. Some of them had to wait that long to have the funds and financial security to make it viable

This guy's plan is to rent out his house and move into digs at work while he takes out a mortgage on a plot of land and develops it.
Not a sensible plan at all - what if something goes wrong at work and he no longer has accommodation there? Oh never mind, he can always beg the OP to let him live there because it's an "emergency".
OP is adamant she won't let him move in and good on her... but it's another thing entirely when the DP is in fact homeless because he can't get his tenants out and his work accommodation has fallen through.

Rotundandandhappy posted: "I admire people who constantly strive to better themselves and who are prepared to take risk which doesn’t affect others."

@Rotundandhappy So do I, but I have the feeling that the OP could be affected, as her partner may well end up moving in with her at some point, if he overstretches himself financially and needs somewhere cheap [free] to live.

Also, I don't see making money and bettering onself as being the same thing - a person doesn't improve just because they've made money. In fact, if they love money too much to share it with others close to them, they are not someone I'd admire.

We'll see him by all means but stay away/detach from the erratic schemes and see if you have a relationship without that. Personally I would loathe a relationship where I was gatekeeper for sensible decisions. Take a step back and see how this situation pans out with the vantage point of an observer- how he acts may likely influence how you feel about him. You also have the chance now to see patterns, e.g a new scheme every week that comes to nothing you might find endearing, chucking money on wild goose chases - not so much! My main advice would be to absolutely not set a precedent where you enable or counter argue these schemes. Do it now - do it for the rest of your relationship.

If it gets bad you may have to dump him, OP. Just don’t let him sponge off you when he’s lost his money, and for the love of God never let him near your money, joint account etc or the deeds to your house.

No need to piss all over his fantasies.

Yes there is, my ex husband made my life a misery with his constant dreams of opening a brewery, a business this that and the other which never happened and as a result of pursuing this crap and his endless schemes I was left paying all the bills and running myself ragged at work.
He sounds like an utter tool to me, I would not continue this relationship.