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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he's away with the fairies

125 replies

charmedllama · 17/10/2020 00:00

Please help me. I'm I a relationship with a man I love and care for deeply. He's at a juxtaposition in his life I guess, and he wants to build a future for us (him, me and my 3 children). It's a fairly new relationship but we've been close for a long time. We're in our 40s if that changes anything.

He's decided that now his mortgage is paid off he's going to rent the place out and take out another mortgage of £250k and go in with two partners to develop a plot of land in to 6 flat and a 3 bed house. The whole thing is fucking mental and I can't get through to him! He has no experience whatsoever and this eve I asked him who would project manage and he didn't even know what I meant. Please tell me how to talk him down. I know nothing about building regs, development of anything...but even I can see that this is batshit. All three men don't seem to share a brain cell between them.

OP posts:

Thatwentbadly · 17/10/2020 08:04

How new is this relationship?

TwilightSkies · 17/10/2020 08:07

Your mirrored relationship with your parents is no accident. This is a fairly specific personality quirk.

Yeah, this. Sorry!
You have subconsciously seeked out a similar dynamic to the one your parents had, even though it wasn’t good or healthy.

This man is who he is. Do you want to end up like your mum?

Toebarb · 17/10/2020 08:10

Can I echo the posters saying it is NOT a coincidence that this man resembles your Dad. We all have a tendency to seek relationships that feel familiar to us, based on our childhood experiences (which is why it's so important to model healthy relationships to our children).

My BIL is like this. He's in his 50s and we've all lost count of the hare brained schemes he's come up with over the years. Sorry but there's no clever choice of words that will suddenly make this man re think. What's more important is to take yourself to therapy until you no longer find this type of man attractive.

flaviaritt · 17/10/2020 08:12

What's more important is to take yourself to therapy until you no longer find this type of man attractive.

Bloody hell. He’s in his 40s with no mortgage and considering an investment. He’s not flogging DVDs out of the back of his brother’s milk float and thinking he’s going to get rich quick. He’s done alright.

flaviaritt · 17/10/2020 08:17

Has he explained to you why he feels it’s important to jeopardise the financial security you all currently enjoy?

She wouldn’t be risking anything. She’s made it clear they’re not financially connected.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/10/2020 08:19

I'd be horrified if my partner was posti g this sort of negative, unambitious stuff about me on an Internet site. If you can't support him or share his dreams, leave him rather than holding him back.

Exactly.
I wasn't on your side with my "hope he sees this" comment, Op...

TheWernethWife · 17/10/2020 08:29

He has no experience whatsoever and this eve I asked him who would project manage and he didn't even know what I meant.

I think the OP is being very sensible - the guy is seeing pound signs before the scheme is even off the ground. What about planning permission etc.

flaviaritt · 17/10/2020 08:35

I think the OP is being very sensible - the guy is seeing pound signs before the scheme is even off the ground.

Except it’s not her money to be sensible with, it’s his. She can have a view, but that’s all.

Thingsdogetbetter · 17/10/2020 08:38

How much of this is filtered through the lens of your experience with your father's failures? Your fear that it is history repeating?

Your dp dreams big, does some research (views properties etc), decides it's not viable and moves to the next idea. Seems like good business sense to me. He hasn't thrown all his money at a 'mad' idea without doing some research first. He might not know the development business yet, but that doesn't mean he won't work it out. If he has business sense he'll hire the experts and just be the investor and learn from them as he goes.

Richard Branson knew little about the music industry when he started the record stores. But he knew enough to hire people who did. The things self made millionaire have in common are big dreams and multiple bankruptcies behind them (they bounce back with more big dreams). No one gets meha rich in business without taking huge risks.

He may be like your dad or he may be the next Richard Branson. All depends on whether he is willing to pay others for the knowledge he lacks. Keeps some money in reserve in case it goes wrong. And has the resilience to start again. And obviously have a plc to protect themselves.

As long as he has the sense to set up as a plc and you have no financial link with him, then you need to accept this is how business works: big risks for big rewards.

Thingsdogetbetter · 17/10/2020 08:40

Mega, not meha. Can't even blame auto correct ffs

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 17/10/2020 08:46

Hi OP

Why does it bother you so much if you're financially separate? Do you have plans to join finances one day? Or is it the reminders of your past?

I think I'd encourage him to look into the detail and get practical experience of things. Eg he wants to open a restaurant, he needs to be a waiter for a few weeks to get a feel for how he'd cope with the pressure and the hours and to see how it all works first. He wants to build properties, suggest some seminars etc. If he does his research it might be a success (though to be fair I don't think flats are currently selling well and I am not sure that someone that doesn't know what a project manager is, realises how much they have to learn), but most likely he will not follow through and get bored before he has actually committed anything

StormBaby · 17/10/2020 08:53

My DH can be a bit like this(thankfully without the money to back him up) and it’s fairly exhausting. He had ADHD and it can wear pretty thin always being the one who says “No!!”. I feel like his mum.

Stellaroses · 17/10/2020 09:02

Haven't read the thread, but that's not what juxtaposition means. Maybe you mean crossroads?

Plussizejumpsuit · 17/10/2020 09:04

I'd find this combination of arrogance and greed really off putting tbh.

What does he say when you question him about these ideas? I think you need to talk to him seriously about the pattern of this behaviour rather than casually knocking back each idea.

AdoptAdaptImprove · 17/10/2020 09:16

@flaviaritt

Has he explained to you why he feels it’s important to jeopardise the financial security you all currently enjoy?

She wouldn’t be risking anything. She’s made it clear they’re not financially connected.

Do you honestly think he won’t be tapping the OP for a bit of cash here and there, or expecting her to take him in if it all goes belly up and he loses everything?

AdoptAdaptImprove · 17/10/2020 09:26

I see that all of you thinking he’s the next Richard Branson have never met one of these dreamers with no idea what they’re doing!

With COVID restrictions ongoing and Brexit looming, starting any new business now is risky. If you’ve never done something like this before, triply so. Pubs and restaurants are a stupid idea even if you’ve got a good business head - nobody would even contemplate it right now if they have any sense at all; even before COVID pubs were closing at a really high rate per week, and restaurants need a lot of upfront investment before they start to turn a profit. The margins in housing development aren’t as big as people imagine, and small issues along the way can eat massively into your profits, or delay you being able get finished homes on the market. Planning permission might not be granted after you’ve bought the land, there might be undiscovered archaeology under it, post-Brexit problems getting materials and skilled labour will be likely to have a severe impact. Small developers don’t have much in the way of contingency to absorb these, especially competing against established national firms, which have greater resilience.

Regardless, if the OP is more risk averse than the partner, they aren’t compatible, so better to part ways now before it ruins their relationship completely.

Rotundandhappy · 17/10/2020 09:28

The guy has cleared his mortgage in his 40s. He’s obviously far more savvy than the OP.

flaviaritt · 17/10/2020 09:29

Do you honestly think he won’t be tapping the OP for a bit of cash here and there, or expecting her to take him in if it all goes belly up and he loses everything?

No idea. Nothing she’s said makes him out to be after anything from her. She wants to keep her own finances separate, which means his are separate, too.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/10/2020 09:34

I see that all of you thinking he’s the next Richard Branson have never met one of these dreamers with no idea what they’re doing!

No one thinks he is next Richard Branson, but look at it. 3 partners, all have finances to do something like that. They are obviously not all idiots. Meanwhile OP, as a NEW partner, laughs at him in a bathroom.

Homebird8 · 17/10/2020 09:37

Meanwhile OP, as a NEW partner, laughs at him in a bathroom

Because he’s thinking of himself as a developer when he doesn’t know what a project manager is.

bakereld · 17/10/2020 09:38

@Boom45

It sounds like he's got the sort of personality that gets carried away with schemes and ideas. As he's in his 40s, if this is his personality then there might not be anything you can do about it. If it's not your money or security he's intent on gambling on shiny new schemes then your best course of action might be deciding if you can spend your life with him listening to his plans and letting them fizzle out (if that's what it is) or if its not for you. Trying to change a partner into the person you want them to be isnt usually a fulfilling relationship

Just seen your post about your dad OP, and agree with the poster above.

My dad was the same, my poor mum suffered as a result. She really struggled financially after finally divorcing him, and it's something I'll never forget.

Don't let this man put the same experience over you/your kids. These types of men always have brand new shiny idea that results in financial mismanagement and worry. It's very hard to change a man like this.

I don't think it's a surprise you were drawn to him iyswim? Find a man who can offer consistent security for you and your children OP

SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/10/2020 09:39

@Homebird8

Meanwhile OP, as a NEW partner, laughs at him in a bathroom

Because he’s thinking of himself as a developer when he doesn’t know what a project manager is.

Well he can learn as he goes🤷🏻 We all learned some parts as we went.

TenOclock · 17/10/2020 09:41

The thing is most really wealthy people did (and do) do something most people wouldn't have taken the risk on, to get where they are.

I used to work in banking with higher end medium sized corporates. Most were first generation business turning over, £10-£20m and keeping their owners in very god style. The thing those businessmen (and they almost all were men) had in common is they didn't worry too much, which enabled them to take the risks that made them rich.

We wouldn't have lent for this flats scheme though

flaviaritt · 17/10/2020 09:41

If this was the other way round and the OP’s partner was being this controlling about what she did with her own money, MN would be calling for his head.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2020 09:43

@Rotundandhappy

The guy has cleared his mortgage in his 40s. He’s obviously far more savvy than the OP.

Depends. We would have cleared ours years ago had we stayed in the first house we bought.

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