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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to DH putting up photo of his dear deceased friend in our family room.

108 replies

goldenharvest · 16/10/2020 20:29

So our lovely female neighbour died 2 days ago at only 49. She had 2 young teen daughters. She was in a relationship and very happy in it. She had fought (sorry if people don't like that term) cancer for many years. Dh has worked from home for many years and got on brilliantly with her while I work FT outside the home. They had a close emotional bond but there was no question of anything else. I have never objected and liked the neighbour too, just not a close friend.

All very sad and DH especially upset. Here's the AIBU. DH has put a photo he took of her with her girls in a prominent position in our family room. It's a nice happy photo before she got ill, and I like it.

However, we already have lots of family photos, kids, parents, school photos etc. This photo of the NDN I find so uncomfortable because I have a dread of dying while I have young children, and even seeing motherless children on TV has me in tears. Every time I see this photo I feel upset and sad. I don't want to be made to feel sad in my home. I've not said anything to DH yet because I know he is still raw.

AIBU to ask him to put it in his office in a couple of weeks time even though I know he will see it as me being uncaring and disliking the neighbour. Or should I just respect his wishes and have to dust around the bloody thing every week and suck it up?

OP posts:
MiniMaxi · 16/10/2020 20:31

You might want to change title to read “dear deceased”!!

Whenwillow · 16/10/2020 20:31

How sad!
I think asking him to put the photo in his study would be quite reasonable, if you explain how it makes you feel
Could you cope with leaving it where it is for a few days first?

GlummyMcGlummerson · 16/10/2020 20:32

I wouldn't like that either.

Grapefruity · 16/10/2020 20:32

I hope you meant to say deceased and not diseased Wink

Whenwillow · 16/10/2020 20:32

Sorry I've just seen you said a couple of weeks time Flowers

Standrewsschool · 16/10/2020 20:33

I would just leave it there, and discreetly put in a drawer in a few weeks time. If he asks where it is, reply saying you only got family photos out and having the neighbour’s photo is out of odds with the other photos. It does seem a bit odd to have the photo up.

MiniMaxi · 16/10/2020 20:33

PS if it’s making you unhappy then I don’t think your suggestion is unreasonable

Isadora2007 · 16/10/2020 20:34

Leave it for now and come Xmas time you can move it to make space for cards or decorations and relocate it to his office then. Not fair to do so now when it’s raw for him. You say you have a fear- I guess everyone is scared of death and leaving being loved ones. But it is a sad reality for many and living with a photo isn’t really a hardship tbh for you compared to grief others face.

shinynewapple2020 · 16/10/2020 20:35

I think what you are saying seems very fair . I'm sorry to hear of your friend's death .

cobpickles · 16/10/2020 20:35

yabu

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 16/10/2020 20:36

Howling at diseased! I'm so childish I know..

Somethingkindaoooo · 16/10/2020 20:37

He's lost a dear friend.
Everyone worries about leaving their children motherless- it isn't special.

Just leave it up for awhile, then move it to his study, or somewhere more discreet.

Surely the picture isn't more of a reminder than the actual motherless children living next door?

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 16/10/2020 20:37

And disrespectful! Sorry about your friend. But yabu.

user14179543589 · 16/10/2020 20:38

It's not the photo that's the issue but your grief and fear of your own mortality. You can't put your emotions in a drawer and it won't do you any good to try. It would be weird if you were emotionally unaffected by this friend's death.

Let the emotions work their way out of your system. It's normal to be distressed and frightened about a mother dying and leaving children behind, but they are survivable feelings that will ease if you give them a chance.

JingsMahBucket · 16/10/2020 20:40

@Isadora2007

Leave it for now and come Xmas time you can move it to make space for cards or decorations and relocate it to his office then. Not fair to do so now when it’s raw for him. You say you have a fear- I guess everyone is scared of death and leaving being loved ones. But it is a sad reality for many and living with a photo isn’t really a hardship tbh for you compared to grief others face.
This is excellent advice.
user14179543589 · 16/10/2020 20:40

Surely the picture isn't more of a reminder than the actual motherless children living next door?

Well, exactly. Blaming this photo for a normal emotional reaction to a distressing situation won't fix it or bring her back.

Nottherealslimshady · 16/10/2020 20:41

Yabu you may feel different if it was your friend or family member. I think you should let him grieve how he sees fit.

userxx · 16/10/2020 20:44

You might want to change title to read “dear deceased”!!

Oh fuck!

POP7777777 · 16/10/2020 20:45

Just leave it a few weeks, out of courtesy and respect.

bethany39 · 16/10/2020 20:45

Surely if you said something along the lines "it's a lovely picture but it's making me really upset every time I see it - thinking about those girls left without their mum and imagining me dying and leaving our kids. I know it's really important to you so please could you put it in the office? I don't know why it's affecting me so much but it's really really upsetting me to see the picture" he would understand?

DeliciouslyFemale · 16/10/2020 20:45

We don’t have photos up generally, but I put one up after my husband died. The boys asked if I could move it as they were looking straight at them, when they sat at the breakfast bar and found it too distressing. It just brought home even more, that he wasn’t here. It was like they would never have had a time to but think about their loss. I completely understood and moved it to a less trafficked area. It has since been moved back, when they were happy to look at him and talk more about the good memories. There’s nothing cruel in what you’re asking.

I think you should tell him that you completely understand that he’s very distressed, but it upsets you, because you keep thinking about having to leave him and the children. I think it’s a good compromise to put it in his office.

ChalkDinosaur · 16/10/2020 20:48

I was going to say yabu but if it genuinely upsets you then yanbu, but you should definitely talk to DH about it and explain why you want to move it. Don't just hide it/move it/cover it up.

overnightangel · 16/10/2020 20:50

It’s weird

Devlesko · 16/10/2020 20:56

I would ask him to move it in a few days, if he doesn't do it himself.
See how much he looks at it during this time? It may just be a comfort and not something he means to stay for long.
I wouldn't be comfortable with this either, not in a prominent position.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/10/2020 20:56

Of course. If he has an office that is the perfect place. It is his memorabilia, not your, not the family's.

What concerns me slightly is that you think he would not understand your point of view or care about your feelings. Why would he, could he, not?