To object to DH putting up photo of his dear deceased friend in our family room.

[goldenharvest]

So our lovely female neighbour died 2 days ago at only 49. She had 2 young teen daughters. She was in a relationship and very happy in it. She had fought (sorry if people don't like that term) cancer for many years. Dh has worked from home for many years and got on brilliantly with her while I work FT outside the home. They had a close emotional bond but there was no question of anything else. I have never objected and liked the neighbour too, just not a close friend.

All very sad and DH especially upset. Here's the AIBU. DH has put a photo he took of her with her girls in a prominent position in our family room. It's a nice happy photo before she got ill, and I like it.

However, we already have lots of family photos, kids, parents, school photos etc. This photo of the NDN I find so uncomfortable because I have a dread of dying while I have young children, and even seeing motherless children on TV has me in tears. Every time I see this photo I feel upset and sad. I don't want to be made to feel sad in my home. I've not said anything to DH yet because I know he is still raw.

AIBU to ask him to put it in his office in a couple of weeks time even though I know he will see it as me being uncaring and disliking the neighbour. Or should I just respect his wishes and have to dust around the bloody thing every week and suck it up?

I will of course talk about it if DH wants to, but he tends to bottle things up. Talking is a normal thing to do, unlike (to me) putting a photo up. It does look like a shrine to me, as all the other photos have been moved elsewhere, including my mums photo, and it's 'centre stage'.

DH has every right to an equal say on home decoration, but his right doesn't top mine. That's why I want a compromise and keep it for a set period and then move it to his private space. I won't say anything for weeks though about moving it.

@lborgia DH won't talk about it or ask how I feel. He's very funny around death, and seems to have a morbid fascination with it that unsettles me. Because I'm not grief stricken he thinks I'm uncaring and if I'm uncaring then maybe I didn't like NDN? I liked her but we weren't close. I haven't said anything to him about how I feel as it's not about me at the moment, and I will be waiting several weeks.

Your DH has as much of a say as you about pictures I know. That's why it's in the centre of our family room, like a shrine to her 🙄. I have a say too, which is why I want a compromise and for it to be there temporarily, and then in his private space.

I don't quite understand why people are assuming I'm not supporting DH or being unsympathetic, I'm deeply upset myself at losing a good neighbour and the mother of two children, not much older than my own.

I've never personally been keen on any pictures cluttering up surfaces, but presents of our babies pictures, school photos, DD1s skating awards have led to hundreds of them. I think I'll have a multi frame and put them on a photo wall and then will be time for 'the photo' to move.

@MissEliza. DS is doing great thank you ❤️

We had a similar situation a few years ago when one of my husbands close friends died with her husband in a ski ing accident. It was so sudden, so unexpected and so tragic and should have been prevented that he was reeling for a long time. This was a friend he'd known since school and one of the few people he had ever told about his terrible home life as a child. They were like brother and sister and he literally could not see how he could survive without her.

I had met the woman several times but didn't like her and (probably unfairly) didn't like her possessiveness of my husband and their shared history, so I didn't get it. I certainly didn't like the number of photos of them draped over each other, partying, ski ing, whatever over the years and particularly hated the one he put up of her and him at our engagement party. But he was grieving a long friendship that meant a lot to him, so I had to suck it up (after complaining to my friends behind his back!). After a few months the photos started to go back into the albums and now he just has one photo of them on their graduation day on his desk in our study. That's fine, he is allowed a memento and I never have to look at her face!

I do think that if I'd said something or complained in those early days it would have caused problems between us.

@SecretSpAD I think not saying anything at the moment, is exactly how I feel. If I did he'd get very defensive and it wouldn't go well, so waiting is the key. Different reasons, but similar emotions around the photos.

@goldenharvest I know what you mean. You're doing the right thing. Also don't dismiss your grief as well, you knew and liked your neighbour and you're allowed to feel upset as well.

I have pictures up of loved friends no longer alive, and my parents.
Yes you could ask him to put it in a place where it is less disturbing for you, bit if it comforts him, as he is grieving his friend, that seems a bit heartless. Talk to him and see what compromise you can make.

@SandyY2K

YANBU. I wouldn't want that either.

Not quite the same but DH wanted to put a photo of his family (parents and siblings) in our living room.

I said no, because we only have pics of us and the DC... and if he put that photo up, I'd put one up with my parents and siblings too..which I know he wouldn’t want.

He was a bit sulky..but he put it somewhere less prominent.

Really? All a bit “our little family” isn’t it? Our family wall includes both sets of our parents and our friends.

OP, I do wonder whether, where you would say your dh has a morbid fascination with death, he might say you are in extreme denial of it. And the more you talk about 'the photo', as you call it, the more I wonder - without making more out of this situation than it is - what other feelings might be at play.

I’m sorry for your loss OP

I think YAB a touch U but for very understandable reasons. It’s about responses to death and grieving processes, and how one person’s process differs from another’s.

I wonder if the best course of action is to leave it where it is for now. See, if you ask to move it you’re kind of guilty of centring your own reaction over his. Almost minimising his grief, and implying it matters less than your own fears. As I say, this is completely understandable emotional response and I’m not saying you shouldn’t have it. People have complex responses to death and that’s OK. But I do also think he’s entitled to grieve in his own way. It isn’t about home decoration — this isn’t a lamp or a paint shade.