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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to DH putting up photo of his dear deceased friend in our family room.

108 replies

goldenharvest · 16/10/2020 20:29

So our lovely female neighbour died 2 days ago at only 49. She had 2 young teen daughters. She was in a relationship and very happy in it. She had fought (sorry if people don't like that term) cancer for many years. Dh has worked from home for many years and got on brilliantly with her while I work FT outside the home. They had a close emotional bond but there was no question of anything else. I have never objected and liked the neighbour too, just not a close friend.

All very sad and DH especially upset. Here's the AIBU. DH has put a photo he took of her with her girls in a prominent position in our family room. It's a nice happy photo before she got ill, and I like it.

However, we already have lots of family photos, kids, parents, school photos etc. This photo of the NDN I find so uncomfortable because I have a dread of dying while I have young children, and even seeing motherless children on TV has me in tears. Every time I see this photo I feel upset and sad. I don't want to be made to feel sad in my home. I've not said anything to DH yet because I know he is still raw.

AIBU to ask him to put it in his office in a couple of weeks time even though I know he will see it as me being uncaring and disliking the neighbour. Or should I just respect his wishes and have to dust around the bloody thing every week and suck it up?

OP posts:
CatteStreet · 16/10/2020 22:02

'on a day to day basis I don't think about it at all (just want to emphasis I'm not some neurotic drama queen) It's just when something like this happens it come foreword and having the photo prominently displayed is bringing these fears home. '

OP, this happened two days ago, you are going to be thinking about it photo or no photo. Your feelings will settle, as will his. And she was a neighbour. You are going to be seeing her 'motherless children' all the time. This isn't something you're going to be able to censor ut of your life.

FunTimes2020 · 16/10/2020 22:03

@EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide

Howling at diseased! I'm so childish I know..
Howling? Really? Hmm
RaisinGhost · 16/10/2020 22:04

You bet I have a photo of my dear friend who died in her mid-40s in our living room. Us with her two children and my oldest two, who all very close in age and are friends to this day.

Don't you think that's a bit different though because it's you and her together? I'd think it was a bit weird if I had a photo taken of just my kids and me, and a friend displayed that in their living room.

Isthisnothing · 16/10/2020 22:05

Honestly even if it makes you sad to look at the photo I bet it's not a fraction as your husband feels about losing his friend.

I think you should suck it up to be honest.

As.for the people saying it's weird he has a photo of her, well you are clearly weird.

BackforGood · 16/10/2020 22:06

I was going to say, what @Isadora2007 said.

I'm glad you have agreed.

I 100% resonate with @MissEliza too. My eldest dc has recently lost his best friend tragically young. I wouldn't necessarily respond in the way he has, over every detail, but, you know, this isn't about me, this is about how I can support him through this terrible loss, in any way I can. I'm not going to make it about me.

CatteStreet · 16/10/2020 22:07

@RaisinGhost

You bet I have a photo of my dear friend who died in her mid-40s in our living room. Us with her two children and my oldest two, who all very close in age and are friends to this day.

Don't you think that's a bit different though because it's you and her together? I'd think it was a bit weird if I had a photo taken of just my kids and me, and a friend displayed that in their living room.

He quite possibly doesn't have a photo of him and her, or her by herself. If you're neighbours a lot of your interaction prresumably happens on non-photo-taking occasions.

I know that my friend's widower likes/derives comfort from the fact that my friend is still woven into our lives in various ways, including the fact that her picture is up.

Emmapeeler2 · 16/10/2020 22:08

Even having a photo of your neighbour is odd - let alone putting it in your living room

I disagree. My neighbour also died recently and I would love a photo of her up just to remind me how lovely she was. Even if it was short term.

I understand where the OP is comimg from though. A family member died of cancer at a similar age to me, with similar aged children, so seeing photos of her just made me feel guilty and petrified.

Abouttimemum · 16/10/2020 22:11

Seems weird. I agree with the poster who said shuffle it away at Xmas.

TableFlowerss · 16/10/2020 22:11

I agree with you OP. Tragic circumstances but I do find it at odds that he waves to put the pic up. I’ve got best friends of 25/30 years and I don’t have pics up of them (with their own family) in my house, although I do have pics of them as part of our wedding collage. I wouldn’t think to have pics of my friend up with her children even though she’s a best friend. Just a bit odd.

At the end if everything if you feel uncomfortable then that’s your home. It’s not like you’re banning him from having it up.

callmeadoctor · 16/10/2020 22:11

Mmmm, autocorrect should maybe have been checked...................................

MoonSauce · 16/10/2020 22:12

It was a few years until I could look at photos of my nan, after she passed away. I think that him having the photo in his office is a perfectly fine suggestion, though I would understand it could feel awful for him if he's still processing everything to feel he has to hide it. I'm so sorry for your loss.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 16/10/2020 22:13

He's grieving for gods sake. It's not actually hurting you to have it there.

Original poster
goldenharvest · 16/10/2020 22:14

@CatteStreet The children will be going to live with their father. The partner isn't their father, so the house will be empty for a while, then either sold or rented out.

For people being so obtuse regarding the reference to dusting the photo, it is because I'll have to pick it up every week to dust under it so I can't just ignore it and let it fade into the background. Every time I pick it up I'll be reminded of how fragile all our lives are. I'd just rather not.

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 16/10/2020 22:17

Your husbands friend has died. When we are being the person supporting then we need to set aside a certain amount of our own anxieties and help our loved ones come to terms with their loss.

Not wanting the photo there because it reminds you that you may die really isn't a good reason. He will be upset about her, talking about her, maybe have the girls over etc, will you ban all those things because it makes you realise your own mortality too?

Be there, allow him to have the time and apace to grieve, and, as suggested, rearrange the photos at a much later date.

bakingdemon · 16/10/2020 22:17

Tell him it is making you too sad to see it every day.

CeibaTree · 16/10/2020 22:18

I think it's irrelevant what the picture is. If it's in a communal space then everyone using that space should be comfortable/happy with it.

cdtaylornats · 16/10/2020 22:22

Your DH has as much of a say as you about pictures.

CatteStreet · 16/10/2020 22:22

[quote goldenharvest]@CatteStreet The children will be going to live with their father. The partner isn't their father, so the house will be empty for a while, then either sold or rented out.

For people being so obtuse regarding the reference to dusting the photo, it is because I'll have to pick it up every week to dust under it so I can't just ignore it and let it fade into the background. Every time I pick it up I'll be reminded of how fragile all our lives are. I'd just rather not. [/quote]
Oh OP. Better a brief reminder every week than having to live it like those poor girls, don't you think? How do you imagine they are going to move forward with their lives, if seeing a photo now and again is so hard for you?

I think this death has shaken you to the extent that you're not thinking straight. Your hyper-focus on the photo and your 'the children will be moving away, so that's OK then (for me)' are not really explainable otherwise.

As for those finding it odd that someone might have pictures of their friends up - putting aside the failure of imagination in assuming that because you wouldn't do it, it has to be 'odd' - I can assure you that it is very different when said friends are dead.

TableFlowerss · 16/10/2020 22:22

@callmeadoctor

Mmmm, autocorrect should maybe have been checked...................................
Watch out folks, the grammar and spell check 👮🏻 are on patrol tonight! 🚓
TheCanyon · 16/10/2020 22:27

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Your husbands friend has died. When we are being the person supporting then we need to set aside a certain amount of our own anxieties and help our loved ones come to terms with their loss.

Not wanting the photo there because it reminds you that you may die really isn't a good reason. He will be upset about her, talking about her, maybe have the girls over etc, will you ban all those things because it makes you realise your own mortality too?

Be there, allow him to have the time and apace to grieve, and, as suggested, rearrange the photos at a much later date.

This! And ops post just above it just goes to show that it's all about her dusting and fear of death.

My neighbours a funeral director that just buried a 29 year old friend of ours, it's fucking cuntish, I know, that fear hit me a million times, but he's our friend and we do have group photos up of us all.

Be nice, this isn't about you, this is about him right now.

InTheLongGrass · 16/10/2020 22:38

Echoing DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult's post.

DH was a bit perturbed when my brothers photo was put on my dressing table. 15 years later the photo is still there because its discrete to visitors, but still keeps him as part of our life.

Jobseeker19 · 16/10/2020 22:40

Yanbu

NoProblem123 · 16/10/2020 22:42

You could try supporting your husband through his grief - and not just until xmas.
YABVU.

lborgia · 16/10/2020 22:44

Can I just ask about one phrase in your OP - why would he think it means you don’t like her? There must be background, surely, for that to be possible?

I understand that he might think you’re being uncaring, but “disliking the neighbour” is quite different. Has there been any kind of issue before?

My feeling otherwise, is that it depends on the exact positioning of the photo. If it’s front and centre, I would find that slightly morbid and shrine-like. If it’s mixed in with the photos somewhere in the line-up, I think I would be fine with it.

Do NOT mysteriously move it at a later date, that is very odd. If he put it up, he needs to be asked/told about moving it. You’re not a housekeeper, you have an emotional attachment to all the photos and just moving this one would be very obvious.

tara66 · 16/10/2020 22:48

Does your husband not know how you feel? Explain to him you don't want the photo. He surely won't expect to have this photo '' in a prominent position in the living room'' permanently? After a while will he really notice if you remove it or it met with an accident?

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