To object to DH putting up photo of his dear deceased friend in our family room.

[goldenharvest]

So our lovely female neighbour died 2 days ago at only 49. She had 2 young teen daughters. She was in a relationship and very happy in it. She had fought (sorry if people don't like that term) cancer for many years. Dh has worked from home for many years and got on brilliantly with her while I work FT outside the home. They had a close emotional bond but there was no question of anything else. I have never objected and liked the neighbour too, just not a close friend.

All very sad and DH especially upset. Here's the AIBU. DH has put a photo he took of her with her girls in a prominent position in our family room. It's a nice happy photo before she got ill, and I like it.

However, we already have lots of family photos, kids, parents, school photos etc. This photo of the NDN I find so uncomfortable because I have a dread of dying while I have young children, and even seeing motherless children on TV has me in tears. Every time I see this photo I feel upset and sad. I don't want to be made to feel sad in my home. I've not said anything to DH yet because I know he is still raw.

AIBU to ask him to put it in his office in a couple of weeks time even though I know he will see it as me being uncaring and disliking the neighbour. Or should I just respect his wishes and have to dust around the bloody thing every week and suck it up?

If it genuinely helps your DH to have the photo there, then I'd leave it. He is the one who lost a dear friend, so I would certainly want to be sensitive to his grief if I were in your shoes.

My ds (21) lost a friend last year in a tragic accident. He did a number of things to remember him. He had the newspaper article about his death framed and hung it in his room. He and his friends had football shirts made with his name and football number on the back. He has his favourite picture with his friend on his phone. This stuff all made me feel uncomfortable. Firstly, it brought home how sad my son felt. Secondly, it reminded me my ds came home safe and sound but someone else's ds didn't and I felt guilty. However, it wasn't about me. It was about what made my ds feel better. Those things are still around plus a few more souvenirs but I'm used to it because I've come to terms with my feelings and everything feels less raw now. You need to help your dh feel better as he's suffered a loss which you haven't so he's more important right now.

If one of your extended family or friends passed away would you remove their photo from your family room?

Even having a photo of your neighbour is odd - let alone putting it in your living room.

I think I'd be questioning why on earth he wants it there, tbh.

I can't believe how callous the OP is being and the rest of you. If it was posted on here that one of your close friends died and your husband/partner told you to take a photo down of them not long after they died (and inside thinking they didn't want to clean the thing) it would be full of LTB.

OP stop making it all about you and your nice family room. Your husband is grieving the loss of a close friend. Absolutely heartless. Am disgusted.

@Goldencurtain

I can't believe how callous the OP is being and the rest of you. If it was posted on here that one of your close friends died and your husband/partner told you to take a photo down of them not long after they died (and inside thinking they didn't want to clean the thing) it would be full of LTB.

OP stop making it all about you and your nice family room. Your husband is grieving the loss of a close friend. Absolutely heartless. Am disgusted.

Well I have lost someone that will be forever irreplaceable in my life, but I don’t think she’s being heartless. 🤷🏻‍♀️

A lot of you have ab unhealthy relationship with death by the sounds of it - so weird that you all think this photo is not ok and that it’s distressing to look at photos of someone who died?

I’m Irish and I grew up going to funerals, open caskets from a young age - small children are always at the funerals - can spend time with the deceased etc - after my gran died last year I put heaps of photos up -

People keep saying weird to have a photo of a neighbour - but seems like husband and neighbour were friends not just Neoghbours’s!

I don’t know why it makes you uncomfortable To be honest and it’s a bit horrible to ask your grieving husband to remove the photo !

YANBU. That would make me uncomfortable, too. For him, it might be nothing more than a pleasant photo of a friend, but for you it's a constant, daily reminder of something that terrifies you. In a central gathering spot of your home, where you are meant to feel safe and happy.

If he insisted, I'd be willing to let him keep it there for a set amount of time (a week or two? a month?), but after that, I'd want him to find another place for it, where you won't have to see it every day.

Unless you display lots of photos of friends (as opposed to family), it's a bit odd to have it there, anyway.

As for it being heartless or cold, it's not going to help that woman's family for the photo to be up, and OP's husband should care enough about his wife's feelings to respect them. There are other ways he can keep his friend's memory alive without negatively affecting his wife's comfort.

I think it's pretty heartless to be posting on Mumsnet a mere two days after her husband's close friend has died to say she wants a photo removed of her because there are lots of family photos already.

Not how can I help my husband get though this? But how can I move a photo because I don't want to dust it. Horrible.

I'd think there was more than friendship, from his end anyway. I'd move the picture.

It's not his grandmother or sister. It was a friend, and evidently only his friend, so not even someone the whole family had a special bond with.

If OP's husband wants to see the photo regularly he can accomplish that by placing it in his office, but OP's feelings count, too.

It's only been two days, but evidently it's bothering OP, and she doesn't want to see it there forever. How long does she have to wait to not be "heartless"? It seems like if you think she's wrong now, she'll never be right to want her home to be a sanctuary and not a daily reminder of death.

It’s weird

Yep.

I have discovered that Mumsnetters disapprove of men being upset of their friends dying. I feel sorry for your relationships if that's your response.

I also have no doubt that if a man posted on here saying this about his wife he would be utterly vilified for being an emotionally abusive narcissist.

It’s weird but I would give it a few days, it’s only been 48 hours and he is still reeling.

I have numerous photos up of my best friend who died 11 years ago. If DH asked me to move them because they make him sad, or for any other reason, I'd think that pretty fucking heartless.

@ReneeRol

What makes you think this?
Fancy trying to stir up trouble with OPs husband and deceased friend! Weird.

@Goldencurtain

I have discovered that Mumsnetters disapprove of men being upset of their friends dying. I feel sorry for your relationships if that's your response.

I also have no doubt that if a man posted on here saying this about his wife he would be utterly vilified for being an emotionally abusive narcissist.

In a nutshell.

I certainly won't ask DH to move the photo in the coming days, and will probably wait until Christmas when we do get lots of cards. I'll explain why it upsets me, and I hope he understands, although he can be really stubborn and dig his heels in, hence why I'll wait several weeks.

I know we all have to come to terms with death but my brother died of cancer and my lovely sis in law is waiting to see if her cancer has returned. We also have a severely disabled son, so I live in especial fear of dying and leaving him without a mother as well as leaving a toddler DD. Who can't be afraid of dying and leaving their children when they are young?

Putting a photo out of sight won't make these fears go away, but on a day to day basis I don't think about it at all (just want to emphasis I'm not some neurotic drama queen) It's just when something like this happens it come foreword and having the photo prominently displayed is bringing these fears home.

@Goldencurtain A lovely distortion of what I actually said...as in leaving out the reason I'm uncomfortable with it and focusing on the unimportant minutiae of the situation.

Autocorrect is guilty, not me!

Not how can I help my husband get though this? But how can I move a photo because I don't want to dust it. Horrible

That wasn't the reason. Read the op again. Duh.

@ReneeRol

I'd think there was more than friendship, from his end anyway. I'd move the picture.

Oh here we go. There's always one

@Goldencurtain I fully agree. Hes grieving , you should say nothing. It's just as much his house as yours. I'm sure when he's ready he will move the photo if it is unnecessary.

I can sympathise with the preference to have the photo in DH’s own space rather than with family photos, but grumbling about having to “dust around the bloody thing” 2 days after she died..... that sounds pretty callous. If I were the OP I think I would feel embarrassed reading that back to myself in the future

'You say you have a fear- I guess everyone is scared of death and leaving being loved ones. But it is a sad reality for many and living with a photo isn’t really a hardship tbh for you compared to grief others face.'

This.

You bet I have a photo of my dear friend who died in her mid-40s in our living room. Us with her two children and my oldest two, who all very close in age and are friends to this day.

The death is very recent for both of you but tbh I think you are being very self-absorbed and self-indulgent complaining about this photo 2 days (!) in.

Yabu, his close friend died and this is part of his grieving.

I'd find this a bit weird whether she was dead or not. We don't have photos of our friends hanging up in communal areas, maybe if it was a photo of all of us together, but someone else's family photo?