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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To object to DH putting up photo of his dear deceased friend in our family room.

108 replies

goldenharvest · 16/10/2020 20:29

So our lovely female neighbour died 2 days ago at only 49. She had 2 young teen daughters. She was in a relationship and very happy in it. She had fought (sorry if people don't like that term) cancer for many years. Dh has worked from home for many years and got on brilliantly with her while I work FT outside the home. They had a close emotional bond but there was no question of anything else. I have never objected and liked the neighbour too, just not a close friend.

All very sad and DH especially upset. Here's the AIBU. DH has put a photo he took of her with her girls in a prominent position in our family room. It's a nice happy photo before she got ill, and I like it.

However, we already have lots of family photos, kids, parents, school photos etc. This photo of the NDN I find so uncomfortable because I have a dread of dying while I have young children, and even seeing motherless children on TV has me in tears. Every time I see this photo I feel upset and sad. I don't want to be made to feel sad in my home. I've not said anything to DH yet because I know he is still raw.

AIBU to ask him to put it in his office in a couple of weeks time even though I know he will see it as me being uncaring and disliking the neighbour. Or should I just respect his wishes and have to dust around the bloody thing every week and suck it up?

OP posts:

callmeadoctor · 16/10/2020 22:52

Tableflowers, to be fair, it isn't really the grammar police but a fairly major opening statement of "diseased" that really made a mess of the posters thread.

TableFlowerss · 16/10/2020 22:56

@callmeadoctor

Tableflowers, to be fair, it isn't really the grammar police but a fairly major opening statement of "diseased" that really made a mess of the posters thread.

I thought you were referring to my auto correct fail 😂

Sally872 · 16/10/2020 22:57

I can see your point, but I think his grief is more important. Likely you will get used to the photo before it becomes an appropriate time to suggest moving it. Your husband grieving for his friend will be more of a reminder of this death than polishing the photo.

augustusglupe · 16/10/2020 23:05

YANBU
Its very sad, but it is a bit odd.

Goldencurtain · 16/10/2020 23:18

I notice you're ignoring the points about you putting yourself first and not caring how your husband feels. Any reflections on why your self absorbed feelings are more important than his grief?

Hopeisathingwithfeathers · 16/10/2020 23:18

Think about it this way... if it was his sister would you ask him to put it away because it made you sad to think of losing YOUR sister? No of course not. So why is it only ok to grieve if you share dna?

If I’m honest, the large back story about her happy relationship and their platonic friendship and how he’s likely to accuse you of not liking her makes me think your discomfort with the photo might be about something else.

MissEliza · 16/10/2020 23:31

@BackforGood that's a good way of putting it. It's not about you -it's the person who has suffered the loss.

augustusglupe · 16/10/2020 23:43

tara66 my thoughts exactly..

Bikingbear · 17/10/2020 00:11

@RaisinGhost

I'd find this a bit weird whether she was dead or not. We don't have photos of our friends hanging up in communal areas, maybe if it was a photo of all of us together, but someone else's family photo?

This is pretty much how I'd feel. I think it's odd to put it up. If it was there before she died or if it was a picture with your kids and their kids I'd maybe feel different. We've all lost family and friends but we don't turn our living areas into a shrine to them. I'd let it sit for a few weeks then remove it.

Terrace58 · 17/10/2020 00:26

Give it a few weeks. Either you will get used to the photo or his grief will not be so raw and he will be able to understand why moving the photo is best.

Casschops · 17/10/2020 00:28

Mu husband has a picture of his female friend who passed away in our bedroom. She was up there when I moved in looking beautiful half way through her cancer treatment. It marked a time of her 40th Birthday. She has always been there and has been there when she was alive for my husband through all the tough times.
He says that she is a reminder to him that when times get tough to keep on going. I quite often look at her and think the same thing when things are tough. I would leave it where it is as she was obviously very important to your husband he is lucky to have had such a friendship.

MadameMeursault · 17/10/2020 00:42

I think YABU. If one of my friends died like that I think it would be nice to have a photo and her kids up, especially if you have a home where there are a lot of photos up. I agree with PP that the poor motherless children are surely more of a reminder. I think having a photo up is a nice way to remember her. It’s not really a good idea to interfere with how another person deals with their grief.

TheBlueStocking · 17/10/2020 00:44

Definitely YABU from me.

MadameMeursault · 17/10/2020 00:45

@EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide

Howling at diseased! I'm so childish I know..

Howling? Really? You do know someone died here? Before their time, and with children? I wouldn’t say you were childish, more like grossly insensitive.

SandyY2K · 17/10/2020 01:38

YANBU. I wouldn't want that either.

Not quite the same but DH wanted to put a photo of his family (parents and siblings) in our living room.

I said no, because we only have pics of us and the DC... and if he put that photo up, I'd put one up with my parents and siblings too..which I know he wouldn’t want.

He was a bit sulky..but he put it somewhere less prominent.

Tangledyarn · 17/10/2020 01:44

It sounds like its important to your DH to remember her and acknowledge the loss. We all deal with grief differently but it sounds like she was a close friend of your DH and I wonder how it would feel to you if you wanted to remember and acknowledge someone you cared about by having a photo up and he asked you to take it down?

Toomuchtrouble4me · 17/10/2020 01:47

@EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide

Howling at diseased! I'm so childish I know..

Bitch

ArizonaRobbins · 17/10/2020 02:18

There is soooo more to this.

Not necessarily that there was an affair or anything like that. I suspect the OP probably wasn’t keen on their friendship. Which is fine - I know I would feel that way.

SionnachRua · 17/10/2020 02:40

For Christ's sake, she died two damn days ago! That's nothing. A few weeks will still be nothing. Back off and let the man work through his grief at losing a friend.

IncandescentSilver · 17/10/2020 03:21

The woman died two days ago! And yiur husband is upset at losing his friend! Can you not respect his right to gruve the death of someone? What does it matter where the photo might be in two weeks time? It will no doubt get tucked away somewhere in an appropriate time.

Christ. Have some basic empathy and decency.

HelloBolloxMyOldFriend · 17/10/2020 04:23

Your DH has as much of a say as you about pictures.

That^^

HelloBolloxMyOldFriend · 17/10/2020 04:24

@IncandescentSilver

Christ. Have some basic empathy and decency.

That too.

kavalkada · 17/10/2020 04:42

She died two days ago, two days ago.

Let your husband grieve and then talk with him about your feelings and how you would like to delegate the photo to his study.

But she died two days ago. If my husband had so little empathy two days after my friend died, I would ask myself who is the man I married. There are times when we should forget our feelings and think how to support the person we love and this is one of them.

SandyY2K · 17/10/2020 08:45

I don't think the OP lacks empathy, as both DH and I have lost people close to us and never put a photo of them up in our living room.

I may post the pictures on FB and comment on the good times we shared and other friends do the same. We all share our memories and support each other through it.

MissEliza · 17/10/2020 08:53

@BackforGood hope your ds is doing ok.

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