Would you stay with a man who...

[razydazzlyself]

You have a baby with, but who doesn’t contribute financially (at all)?

Where is the rest of his money going to if there is no disposable income? If you didn't live together how much would you get by going through the CMS?

I can’t offer any more information I’m really sorry. His DM is vile to me already and I cannot deal with any more of the stress. Sorry for drip-feeding. Didn’t think about it before posting just needed some unbiased answers without thinking there needed to be more context. So don’t worry about replying after this, I would offer more information as I could. But no I’m not happy. Feel trapped. Working myself to the brink and struggling massively. Have spoken about it multiple times. No changes. Anyway, have a nice evening and thank you for the food for thought xx

If he was working and just keeping the money for himself, then no. If he's not working then so long as he was doing the large majority of the childcare/housework I'd be fine with that (glad, even) but would want to talk about expectations and what he wanted as the kids grew up.

The other way I might be okay with it would be if we had moved and he had ditched his career plans to follow me as I chased mine. Though that would depend on the details.

Have you ever discussed this and he has refused? Or has he just not offered anything and you’ve carried on the way you are waiting for him to volunteer money on an ad hoc basis?

I would say the bills are x and all the money should be pooled and the rest shared. If not I wouldn’t stay. I had a very similar conversation with H after we had ds1 and he couldn’t see why things needed to change.

If he's working, where is his wage going?

As a low earner, it might be reasonable for him to pay his way proportionally to his income. But not paying anything (or barely anything) isn't acceptable.

Sorry, cross post.

Just read your last update.

That changes matters. You sound overburdened and frazzled. He shouldn't be letting you work yourself into the ground and should be making more effort to support your family too.

Yes if I was on good money and he was taking on the caregiver/ housekeeper role

@category12

If he's working, where is his wage going?

As a low earner, it might be reasonable for him to pay his way proportionally to his income. But not paying anything (or barely anything) isn't acceptable.

I'm assuming it goes to his mum.

Sorry have just seen your update. I would caution against making sudden decisions if you have PND. Not that you should just leave things as they are, but try and get some insight from people who know your situation better. Depression can skew your decision making a bit, though he and this situation may also be contributing to it (hence suggestion to speak to people you trust who know the situation better).

I mean, that's not really much to go on, but with the very little detail you provide, it doesn't look good.

I know you said no more replies but please read your own replies back a few times when you feel stronger.
You have PND.
You were awake 34 hours (!!)
You're caring for 6 month old and working each evening.
You have money pressures.
His mother is an added stress in your life.
He contributes next to nothing.

OP you sound very unhappy and if separating from this man temporarily would free you to regain some of your mental health (perhaps you could live with family?) then then it's worth considering.
Look after yourself and your baby.

no
you're his partner not his sugarmama

op

Agree that does not look good. He needs to get himself in gear and work longer hours so he can contribute, bar some circumstance that you don't feel able to share.

No, I had one, it was shit, I dumped him and now I'm happy

How much does he earn per month? Couldn’t he pay at least something, like all the food shopping and tv streaming service (if you have one)? If he’s a hands on dad and loves you then you shouldn’t ditch him just because he’s low income.

Honestly depends on how much he earns and what he spends it on...

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Depends why. Plenty of women don't contribute financially and are sahm, but that's only ok if both people in the relationship are happy with that arrangement.

Not quite the point if he sits on his backside and contributes nothing. That's a far cry from being a SAHM.

If you’re both working and living together then you need to work out how much the bills are and what proportion of each income should go towards this.

If there’s not enough joint money coming in, or if in your case it’s running you into the ground, then things need to change. You cannot be up for 36 hours at a time, you’ll burn out and be no good to anyone.

What does he say when you address this? Can he work more?

Honestly from what you've said I wouldn't be staying with him.

You had a baby 6 months ago and are having to work already to make the bills. He needs to contribute, you are basically supporting him when you've just had a baby. Fuck that, you would be better off on your own, you at least could get some money from him then and your bills would be cheaper.

No.

My friend has been married for 25 years. She's a teacher, 3 kids -husband contributes nothing -a musician who might get £50 for a gig once a week but mostly plays for free.

@lljkk

yes of course, If he 'contributed' in other ways that seemed adequate. Also if couldn't contribute even if he wanted to (held hostage, disabled, very ill, was a SAHD, etc).

Jesus, you’d have to be pretty cold to split up with someone for not contributing because they were held hostage!

Oh OP.

I was a SAHM. However, XH and I agreed that it would be that way, and were happy with that. I did 95% of anything related to the house and children. His salary went into our only account, which was a joint account.

But that was very clear cut. Your problem is that nothing is clear cut at all.

My DC are adults now, but if any of them were describing what you are describing (PND, being awake for 34 hours, working, having a baby, having a horrible MIL), the very first thing I think they would need is a massive hug, and that's what I would like to send to you.

(Not that it helps you practically, obviously).

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Depends why. Plenty of women don't contribute financially and are sahm, but that's only ok if both people in the relationship are happy with that arrangement.

this

What does he say when you've spoken about it?

My DP and I work in the same job, however he earns significantly more as he is in a more senior position. We don’t pool all money however we pay the same % of our incomes into a joint account to cover our outgoing and family costs.
So we are left with the same % of earnings as disposable at the end of the month, obviously he has a higher amount of of actual money left over.
We work savings the same way.

This is the only ‘fair’ way we could think of doing things without just pooling all our money. Neither of us were keen on that.

Could you try this? Although it sounds really like you need to address your incomes this may help in the interim?