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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to tell people I’m in labour?

104 replies

Anxiousgirl23 · 16/10/2020 19:15

I’m 36 weeks pregnant with my first baby. Obviously this is all new to me and I’ve had quite a hard time and suffer with anxiety. We are planning a homebirth and i envisaged the whole thing as quite a private affair and just telling people after our daughter is born to avoid unnecessary "pressure" during labour with people asking for updates. Anyway, tonight we phoned my mother and father in law and mil was immediately I want to know straight away as soon as I’m in labour ... I find her quite overbearing with regards to baby (she wanted to come as soon as baby is born too and was quite put out when we said no). Maybe I’m just being touchy but I really just want to focus on me and my dh to do that too without having to be on his phone providing updates? What did other people do?

OP posts:
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 16/10/2020 19:18

So don't tell them. No one knew the first time I went into labour, the second time the only person who knew was my friend who was looking after my eldest and the lady in the village shop because we stopped for DH to get a pie on the way to the hospital 😂

Sexnotgender · 16/10/2020 19:19

YANBU. I was the same, it’s added pressure you don’t need.

Ree91 · 16/10/2020 19:21

I was induced early and didn't tell anyone either, was my first. Was in for 2 days and had people asking had i gone into labour as no one knew I was being induced. I just said I wasn't feeling well and didn't want visitors, baby was born at 9.30 in morning and we didn't tell anyone until the evening. Less pressure x

leopardslikezebras · 16/10/2020 19:31

I didn't as I was due shortly after my friend who did and said it was so annoying and she made her DH turn his phone off in the end which then panicked relatives and sent them all bonkers!!

So we just called an hour or so after the actual birth.

Good luck op, don't worry about anyone else.

Freddiefox · 16/10/2020 19:40

It’s natural form them to want to know. They care about you and their son. They are excited. It’s not unusual for them to want to want to know.

However you don’t have to tell them. Inform them
when you are ready, after you have had the baby. Just because someone wants you to do something you do t have to But don’t read too much into it.

I often think in-laws can’t do the right thing. If they show to much interest then they are over bearing. If they don’t shown enough they disinterested.

BlusteryShowers · 16/10/2020 19:40

They can't make you tell them.

Personally we did tell immediate family when it was looking like I was going in as I wanted them to feel informed and included. But there were no "updates" and quite frankly I was busy with other things than my phone.

I do remember my mum being outraged with my husband that we waited a whole 40 minutes to ring her Hmm

WhatNameToChooseNow · 16/10/2020 19:41

Just say it all happened so quick, the day after you've had it Xx

bonbonours · 16/10/2020 19:42

We didn't tell anyone with dd1 until she was born. I didn't want my parents pacing around in the waiting room worrying for hours. With dd2 and ds they had to know because they were looking after the other kids.

Dobbyismyfavourite · 16/10/2020 19:42

I don't understand why family need to know when a DD or DIL goes into labour, especially for a first baby. When I had my DD I went into labour late evening, waters broke at home and DD was born in a few hours later - I was very lucky! All our family woke up to the news that they were grandparents, what we had (a girl) and her chosen name. I would have hated everyone keep calling for updates. Labour is hard enough and to be honest I needed my DH's full attention and him not being distracted by his phone.

These days is seems that when I woman gives birth that extended family are all getting involved. It's not fair on the Mum to be.

timeforawine · 16/10/2020 19:45

We didn't tell anyone, made things easier and was a great surprise for our parents when they got the video call showing baby

ChocoholicMama · 16/10/2020 19:45

We didn't tell either, in fact I got quite irritated with the increased nonchalant phonecalls in the weeks running up to the due date that were clearly just to see if I didn't answer and might be in labour. We managed to not tell in the end and just called once baby arrived. My parents were probably a bit put out but didn't say anything explicitly and his parents asked why, were told and understood with no further questions. About to have second baby and will be doing the same thing. Just don't tell them and don't answer the ridiculous amount of calls you'll probably start getting from week 38 or 39!!

1990shopefulftm · 16/10/2020 19:48

I m 38 weeks and we won't be telling anyone when I go into labour, none of them are going to be able to visit because of restrictions so might just video call from home when we re settled

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 16/10/2020 19:51

We didn’t tell anyone when I went into labour with DC1, I don’t regret it at all (though there was a bit of a fall out afterwards - so I do regret not calling my mum to tell her, the text DH sent didn’t deliver but did to my dad and in laws so she felt we had deliberately not told her! Bloody stupid drama!).
With DC2, I was induced and I had to tell people as someone had to look after DS. But there we no updates, but then I was in and out pretty quick!

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 16/10/2020 19:52

Wow. What about the MIL? Or the DH? Maybe they would like some emotional support from their parent?

I think OP you could ask your partner how they feel?

Maybe nominate one person (MIL) or another family member or friend to be the gateway to info. So only one person for your DH to contact.

If it all goes super fast it won’t be a problem and if it takes hours and hours then he has someone to field the inevitable calls for is she in labour?.

I understand why you don’t want to feel pressured but family have a vested interest in how you, your partner and the baby are fairing. God forbid if anything went wrong they would want to be there for support, and when it goes well they want to celebrate.

I can’t imagine my own daughter or my sons keeping me excluded from this situation in the future. I would be gutted.

CruCru · 16/10/2020 19:53

Thing is, if your labour is anything like my second, it will start ... then stop. Then start again ... and stop. Then it will get quite bad and then quiet down again. Until the point where it’s been three bloody days.

Not all childbirth is dramatic right from the beginning. They might be waiting for days.

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace · 16/10/2020 19:55

I've got a c-section booked and I've lied to everyone about the date 🤭 they all think it's later than it is...

Totally agree- your birth, your baby, they will all find out when the time is right for you.

Laaalaaaa · 16/10/2020 19:56

We never even contemplated telling people. Both sets of grandparents found out about 5 hours after baby arrived. We wanted that time to ourselves without having to feel the need to be sending photos etc. I guess it helped baby was a week early so nobody was expecting them to arrive when they did.

Charlieeee76 · 16/10/2020 19:58

Do what is best for you OP. When I was in labour I took myself off to the hospital and didn’t tell anyone till last minute I was exhausted after having pains on and off for 4 days.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 16/10/2020 19:58

Definitely don't tell people, because 2 things happen:

  1. Your relative spend up to several days worrying and being impatient for news
  2. You get constant texts asking if baby has arrived.

Be drama free and just announce when baby is born

Laaalaaaa · 16/10/2020 20:00

@Fortheloveofgodwhy

Wow. What about the MIL? Or the DH? Maybe they would like some emotional support from their parent?

I think OP you could ask your partner how they feel?

Maybe nominate one person (MIL) or another family member or friend to be the gateway to info. So only one person for your DH to contact.

If it all goes super fast it won’t be a problem and if it takes hours and hours then he has someone to field the inevitable calls for is she in labour?.

I understand why you don’t want to feel pressured but family have a vested interest in how you, your partner and the baby are fairing. God forbid if anything went wrong they would want to be there for support, and when it goes well they want to celebrate.

I can’t imagine my own daughter or my sons keeping me excluded from this situation in the future. I would be gutted.

Completely disagree. I would have felt added pressure if people knew when I was in labour. As I said, we let both sets of grandparents know about 5 hours after our baby arrived. Nobody was annoyed at us in the slightest - just delighted baby had arrived safely and we really enjoyed our little bubble of nobody knowing. I don’t think we were selfish for a minute.
OverTheRainbow88 · 16/10/2020 20:01

I find it odd if I’m being honest, why would it put more pressure on you? Of course they are keen to know! Why make it into a big issues?

I was messaging my friends throughout labour-
Took my mind off the pain!!!!!

MaskingForIt · 16/10/2020 20:02

YANBU at all. I’ve told everyone (except work, for legal reasons) a due two weeks after my actual due date. I don’t need weeks of “gentle enquires” from people wanting to know what is going on.

Rememberallball · 16/10/2020 20:09

Friend had a home birth 3 weeks ago - told no one until after the event (not even the in laws who live 2 houses away!!)
It did help that she laboured and gave birth overnight and the midwife only arrived shortly before baby arrived but it meant she had a far more relaxed experience than she may have done if people had been contacting them regularly for updates!!

I had a c section last summer; got 24 hours notice as had a scan then was told being admitted for steroids and surgery following day. DH and I told no one until later that night once twins were not only safely delivered but we also knew we didn’t need to be admitted to NICU and were all recovering as expected!!

Absolutely don’t tell anyone unless you want to - don’t let their need to know override your need for privacy and not to be disturbed for regular updates!!

GlennRheeismyfavourite · 16/10/2020 20:14

We didn't tell anyone - just called up and said 'surprise - you're a granny etc' much preferred it that way than keeping people waiting. This time we'll have to tell as my mum will need to watch number 1!

diddl · 16/10/2020 20:17

When I had my first, it never occurred to me/us that anyone would be told until I'd had the baby.

Same would have gone for the 2nd as well if it hadn't have been for needing someone to look after PFB whilst I was having 2nd!