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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to tell people I’m in labour?

104 replies

Anxiousgirl23 · 16/10/2020 19:15

I’m 36 weeks pregnant with my first baby. Obviously this is all new to me and I’ve had quite a hard time and suffer with anxiety. We are planning a homebirth and i envisaged the whole thing as quite a private affair and just telling people after our daughter is born to avoid unnecessary "pressure" during labour with people asking for updates. Anyway, tonight we phoned my mother and father in law and mil was immediately I want to know straight away as soon as I’m in labour ... I find her quite overbearing with regards to baby (she wanted to come as soon as baby is born too and was quite put out when we said no). Maybe I’m just being touchy but I really just want to focus on me and my dh to do that too without having to be on his phone providing updates? What did other people do?

OP posts:
Metallicalover · 16/10/2020 20:20

Tbh I wouldn't really make any plans or stress until your in labour. Every labour and birth is different! I was induced for a number of reasons. We told both sets of parents because we weren't going to be in for a few days, my parents brought my niece up to visit and have a cuppa in the canteen whilst having mild contractions. They were on hand to bring anything we needed such as stuff for dietary requirements etc.
After labouring for a few days and I finally gave birth, had a few hours of skin to skin etc my husband rang everyone to say she was hear and we were desperate for our parents and siblings to meet her. I honestly thought that post birth especially after a looooong labour the last thing I wanted to do was to have any visitors!
We were on cloud 9 and so was all of our close family! I felt really good! I treasure the photos taken of our daughter with her grandparents and aunties and uncles the day she was born! The love on their faces! Priceless!

So what I was trying to say is don't stress and don't think you know how your going to feel when the time comes! I was quite the opposite!

Metallicalover · 16/10/2020 20:22

Also when your in labour the last thing you think about is people wondering if your in labour. I went into my own bubble! I did get my hubby to text my 2 friends to say I won't be replying as I'm now in active labour and we didn't see any replies until I went to send them a picture of my new daughter x

SarahAndQuack · 16/10/2020 20:23

@Anxiousgirl23

I’m 36 weeks pregnant with my first baby. Obviously this is all new to me and I’ve had quite a hard time and suffer with anxiety. We are planning a homebirth and i envisaged the whole thing as quite a private affair and just telling people after our daughter is born to avoid unnecessary "pressure" during labour with people asking for updates. Anyway, tonight we phoned my mother and father in law and mil was immediately I want to know straight away as soon as I’m in labour ... I find her quite overbearing with regards to baby (she wanted to come as soon as baby is born too and was quite put out when we said no). Maybe I’m just being touchy but I really just want to focus on me and my dh to do that too without having to be on his phone providing updates? What did other people do?
Nooo! Don't tell your MIL you're in labour - it could be ages.

With my first, my DP went into hospital Thursday morning for an induction and DD wasn't born until Sunday morning - you do not want to be dealing with endless 'is she there yet' texts, do you?!

SarahAndQuack · 16/10/2020 20:24

Plus, you know, as a first time mum you probably won't know you're in labour for certain, right? You had no idea until, whoops, it was too late, so sorry MIL! Grin

Todaytomorrow09 · 16/10/2020 20:30

I had a planned c-section we didn’t tell anyone the date other than my mum who was with me (only because I have a past medical history & it helps if any issues arise) second time just mum
& MIL as we needed child care. Admittedly I’m medically high risk so I didn’t want my family to spend the day worrying!
It’s your choice :)

Serin · 16/10/2020 20:33

YANBU.
God, what kind of updates do people want? How many centimeters dilated you are??What happened to privacy.
Just tell everyone that you or your DH will ring when the baby is delivered.

firstimemamma · 16/10/2020 20:34

We didn't tell anyone anything until the baby was born.

And next time we won't be telling anyone the due date as that pissed me off no end with ds! "Any twinges seeing as it's your due date?" "Oooh you're due date has been and gone now!" Etc. Ffs!

TimeIhadaNameChange · 16/10/2020 20:45

I was induced. Only a couple of people knew - my friend who was looking after my menagerie abd another couple, but I asked them not to tell others. My family knew nowt until after I'd given birth - I even some to my mother mid induction (before things kicked off) and just pretended I was at home. If she'd known shed have worried (and pestered the hell out of us!).

Nottherealslimshady · 16/10/2020 20:47

Nope. Not telling anyone until I'm settled. My sister gave birth last year and had sone complications. DM and her husband were constantly hassing DSs boyfriend for updates and snagged him off for ignoring them. While he was worrying about his girlfriend and baby. I'm not putting DH through that and if I dont have his full attention I'll be fucking fuming.
You and your baby are the top priority, relatives aren't entitled to any information beyond what you want to give them

rm15 · 16/10/2020 20:53

I had a homebirth just as you are planning. A month before I switched off the “last active” on WhatsApp.
Had DS on Xmas eve last year, the only people we told was a friend who agreed to come and look after our dog if I had to go in (family live far away)
It was the best video call of my life surprising my parents and siblings.
I knew if I told the fam it would be constant and my DM would want to drive down and I would feel pressured and rushed. Follow your gut.
It’s much easier to ask forgiveness than permission!

greenette · 16/10/2020 20:54

YANBU. I won't be telling anyone. My MIL is similar to yours. She said she is taking the day off work when I go into labour. I told her there is no point as she won't be there and I don't want visitors for a few days. My partner is a mummy's boy though so I can imagine him tell her Hmm

My mum is dead otherwise she would have been there, if Covid didn't exist, and I'll probably just FaceTime my dad and step mum once I'm settled with baby etc or maybe when I'm home.

It's your birth experience at the end of the day.

LienD · 16/10/2020 20:54

Planned c-section here. Baby delivered at 8h30. Family informed at 17h00. Lovely to have that day just for the 3 of us.

Heatherjayne1972 · 16/10/2020 20:56

There’s no reason to tell anyone anything (apart from your partner obviously )
If I could do it again I’d wait until I was clean tidy and sorted then call everyone

TidyOmlette · 16/10/2020 21:13

Don’t tell them, your phone will not stop and you won’t get a rest. Let baby come and enjoy the experience before sharing it with the world

We told no one with our first, I even managed a conversation with my aunt while having contractions 😂 and the second only my mum knew for childcare reasons.

Redwolf1 · 16/10/2020 21:22

First time we didnt tell anyone straight away. However my best friend guessed as I didnt show up to work and our group chat was going crazy with speculation, I was quite annoyed about it. 14hrs in though labour got stressful and worrying so i told dh to go and ring his mum for support as he looked ill with worry and was trying to put on a brave face to me. 2nd labour we just told my mum who was coming to look after dd1

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 16/10/2020 21:30

I used being in labour to get out of going to my mums house for drinks with the neighbours

But that was over 21 years ago...so no mobiles phones and constant updates

So I don’t think you are being unreasonable

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 16/10/2020 21:31

Of course the downside was my mum yelling at everyone in her house that Rufus is in labour 🤔

Lemonsyellow · 16/10/2020 21:35

Of course we didn’t tell anyone that I was in labour. That would be weird. We told our childminder with our second, because she had offered to look after our eldest when the time came.

Original poster
Anxiousgirl23 · 16/10/2020 21:52

Thanks all, good to hear I’m not being totally ridiculous. Parents in law live nearly 200 miles away so it’s not like they’re going to be able to do much anyway and I feel like it will just be a distraction for my dh having to update them etc and tbh I don’t really want mil knowing all the details.. I guess I’m a bit touchy as my own mum is dead so find her a bit tricky to deal with as don’t have my own mum for support.

OP posts:
seayork2020 · 16/10/2020 21:55

I was induced so people knew well grandparents, they may have kept others informed I was not thinking that much.

I did not think it was such a bad thing to tell them just a couple of quick calls throughout the whole thing

SarahAndQuack · 16/10/2020 21:56

Oh, that definitely makes it harder, your mum being gone. I'm so sorry.

SageRosemary · 17/10/2020 01:32

Ob/Gyn told me at my first appointment that I was high risk and would need to be induced up to 2 weeks before my due date. So, we just told everyone our due date. I was induced at almost 39 weeks, labour started instantly and lasted a day and a half - I wouldn't have wanted my parents or my MIL to be worrying about me for any or all that time. So DH gave them the good news when our precious DD1 arrived. SIL was pregnant too, due 10 days after me and she announced that she would be induced on a date before my due date, I said oh, that's great, you can show me the way and give me all your tips, I knew she was delighted to think she was going to have the first baby and I didn't want to burst her bubble, until my own bubble burst its way out!

Was due to be induced for DD2 also but she appeared early, my Mum minded DD1 so she knew but it was a surprise for everyone else. My Mum could be trusted not to say a word to anyone, I know my MIL's side would have been updated each other every hour even if it was just to say there's nothing to say about SageRosemary.

You are the most important person on the day and your partner needs to be able to support you fully, phones should be switched off or on meeting mode for your labour. Best of luck for a safe delivery and a healthy arrival. Your MIL is of course delighted for you and the arrival of a grandchild, maybe just promise her that she will be the first to hear your news, I think she would be charmed, she will probably be a doting granny.

It was the same when we announced our engagement, we already had the Church, Hotel, Band, Photographer booked for a date 5 months away - no one else needed to be involved before that.

crazycatlady7 · 17/10/2020 01:44

We didn't tell anyone, but I had a quick emergency Labor so went into labor at 10.30 and DS was here at 1am. We texted parents and siblings so they had the news when they woke.

My mum was pushy ringing and demanding answers to her questions and we weren't ready for that at 4am- she was abroad and it was 9pm her time 🤦🏼‍♀️

My MIL and SIL were pushy to visit the same day and that weekend when we ask for space- MIL told me I was selfish (we had both almost died! And wanted to get our heads round it all)

If we have a 2nd we won't even tell them the due date. And won't announce until we are settled as a family of 4.

My cousin was on standby (but still didn't know until after the event) for DH and was the only person we allowed into hospital to see us as she was supportive to us as people. Sadly the situation hasn't changed with in laws- although SIL spoke to me as a person last week! And not as her facilitator to have a relationship with DS. So win? 😂

GrandTheftWalrus · 17/10/2020 03:36

I got dp to phone my mum about 8pm when I was in labour just to let her know and then she constantly phoned the labour ward. Baby was born at 10.30pm and again we told her but again she kept phoning. But it was her first grandchild and she thought she was never going to get any.

Pregnant again now and we will need to tell her again as she'll need to look after dd.

KickAssAngel · 17/10/2020 04:27

We didn't tell anyone and I'm very glad as it took days for DD to appear. DH even went to work for several hours one of the days as it was so clear that we were in for the long haul.