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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to tell people I’m in labour?

104 replies

Anxiousgirl23 · 16/10/2020 19:15

I’m 36 weeks pregnant with my first baby. Obviously this is all new to me and I’ve had quite a hard time and suffer with anxiety. We are planning a homebirth and i envisaged the whole thing as quite a private affair and just telling people after our daughter is born to avoid unnecessary "pressure" during labour with people asking for updates. Anyway, tonight we phoned my mother and father in law and mil was immediately I want to know straight away as soon as I’m in labour ... I find her quite overbearing with regards to baby (she wanted to come as soon as baby is born too and was quite put out when we said no). Maybe I’m just being touchy but I really just want to focus on me and my dh to do that too without having to be on his phone providing updates? What did other people do?

OP posts:
greenette · 17/10/2020 06:53

@Anxiousgirl23

Thanks all, good to hear I’m not being totally ridiculous. Parents in law live nearly 200 miles away so it’s not like they’re going to be able to do much anyway and I feel like it will just be a distraction for my dh having to update them etc and tbh I don’t really want mil knowing all the details.. I guess I’m a bit touchy as my own mum is dead so find her a bit tricky to deal with as don’t have my own mum for support.
Same my mum passed away too and it's making me a bit antsy with my MIl involvement in general. We used to be very close but now I find it a bit suffocating all the touching of bump and comments.
OverTheRainbow88 · 17/10/2020 07:32

I find it really odd all the not wanting to tell and getting settled as a family- surely parents/siblings etc are family. Seems like people are making a non issue an issue

CheshireDing · 17/10/2020 07:54

So don’t tell them, nobody can force you. You’re having a baby, therefore an adult who can make your own decisions. Just ignore when it’s mentioned again and change the subject.

We didn’t tell people until the next day (at least) could have even been the following evening and I have had 3 DC.

AdriannaP · 17/10/2020 07:55

I didn’t tell anyone and would do that again with DC2. Just causes stress and potentially anxiety for them (my SIL was in labour 18 hours!)

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 17/10/2020 08:01

I never told anyone (except the people looking after my kids in later pregnacies) for the same reason.

I would definitely start practising being 'off grid' for a few hours once or twice a week from now, so it isn't unusual for people not to hear from you for a while, and tell your dh to do the same. That way they won't assume you're in labour if they can't get in touch with you.

Hope all goes well Flowers

FreeAcorns · 17/10/2020 08:23

See how it goes. You don't have to tell anyone. I was in labour for 37 hours with my first and did text my mum and mil a couple of times. But obviously no one should be demanding you contact them, so don't listen to that!

Lemonsyellow · 17/10/2020 08:42

@OverTheRainbow88

I find it really odd all the not wanting to tell and getting settled as a family- surely parents/siblings etc are family. Seems like people are making a non issue an issue
Telling people makes it an issue. Not telling people keeps it a non-issue. Do you tell people when you are going to the loo, for example?
Scarlettpixie · 17/10/2020 09:21

We phoned our mums as we went to hospital just to let them know we were going. DH phoned his mum after DS was born, stitches done and I had showered - even though it was the middle of the night (as that is what she wanted). I phoned my mum the next morning (which was what she wanted). DH visited both of them briefly on his way to visit us The next day and gave them some photographs. DS is 14.

I can’t see a quick call to let the, know something is happening is adding pressure so long as they don’t want hourly updates!

BGDino · 17/10/2020 10:08

I had DD at 33 and a half weeks. My parents knew, because they drove us to the hospital. I think my DH told his parents, and my parents told my DB and DSIL. No-one else found out I gave birth until I sent some texts to close friends the afternoon following my EMCS.

Mammylamb · 17/10/2020 10:53

You don’t need to tell them. I had an elective c section and we only told my mum and in laws that it was planned and when it would be (my in laws are the least intrusive people). My mum accidentally told my brother (not realizing I wanted it hush hush) he had a moan that he wasn’t allowed to come up until the day after the baby was born (he was so excited for us that I could have imagined him hanging about trying to get in the minute the baby was lifted out of me)

OverTheRainbow88 · 17/10/2020 11:24

@Lemonsyellow

LOL, what a stupid comparison.

diddl · 17/10/2020 11:34

"I find it really odd all the not wanting to tell"

Why?

What can people do with the information?

Lemonsyellow · 17/10/2020 12:02

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@Lemonsyellow

LOL, what a stupid comparison.[/quote]
It’s really not. It’s a bodily function usually done in private in modern times. It’s not a form of public entertainment.

ChazP · 17/10/2020 12:07

Those first few hours when only my partner and I knew that our daughter had been born were some of the most special in my life. It was like our precious secret and really helped secure in my mind that the 3 of us were now a family unit. Don’t tell them if you don’t want to!

OverTheRainbow88 · 17/10/2020 12:19

Just feels a bit like a controlling power trip to me...
Maybe i am just not very sentimental or I’ve got an unusually close relationship with my family and friends as I couldn’t imagine keeping giving birth a ‘secret’ as Some have described

Ginfordinner · 17/10/2020 12:25

@OverTheRainbow88

Just feels a bit like a controlling power trip to me... Maybe i am just not very sentimental or I’ve got an unusually close relationship with my family and friends as I couldn’t imagine keeping giving birth a ‘secret’ as Some have described
Oh give over Hmm

Why would you tell anyone?
I'm glad that DD was born before smartphones were invented. There is no need to give minute by minute updates while in labour. I would switch phones off or mute them so that you aren't pestered by everyone.

Giving birth is not a public show it is a private matter between the mother and midwives, and anyone else she wants to include.

It isn't controlling to not tell anyone you are in labour FFS.

Zippea · 17/10/2020 12:27

If I hadn’t have been induced for DD1 and ELCS for DD2 no one would have known.
Got texts from my mum whilst in theatre with stomach open due to complications asking me what was taking so long, she was worried etc. Obviously didn’t see these as was tad busy bleeding but for years after it ‘marred her experience’ of the day.

Do whatever gives you the least stress on the day

Pumpkinnose · 17/10/2020 12:29

I was admitted to hospital and my mum, sis and best friend knew as I wanted them too. No one else. Just don’t tell them.

Useruseruserusee · 17/10/2020 12:29

It’s completely up to you and fine either way.

We told both sets of parents both times (one natural labour and one ELCS) but no one would have thought of pressurising us for updates.

Useruseruserusee · 17/10/2020 12:30

And just to add, our second DC was born critically ill. The support from our parents was invaluable for both of us (he is fine now).

GreyishDays · 17/10/2020 12:32

It’s very normal to not tell them.

If my mum had known, she would have been in absolute bits until it was safely over. I didn’t need to be worrying about her while I was in the middle of it tbh.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/10/2020 12:34

I had DD2 nearly four weeks ago. Had to tell my parents I was in labour because the needed them to look after DD1. Was planning on telling PIL in the car on the way to the hospital but my contractions were coming thick and fast so I couldn’t. We didn’t end up letting anyone know she’d been born until a few hours after.

Do what you want to do and tell people when you want to.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 17/10/2020 12:35

I had similar requests - which we ignored told them after birth - they were happy enough and it was never mentioned again.

Family member DP told entire extended family who decended first on their home then followed and camped out all night in hopsital waiting room - with DP upsetting everyone in birth room going in and out all the time. Most of the family that did that never bothered seeing the child again and few that did only for big famly events.

VinylDetective · 17/10/2020 12:40

Do it the old fashioned way and tell them after the birth. Nobody needs to know you’re in labour.

PaxMalmKallax · 17/10/2020 12:40

My friend had a home birth and her in-laws turned up and wouldn’t go away!!! In fact within a couple of hours the baby was being passed around and they wouldn’t give her back. She still talks about it now despite having had 2 more babies since.

I’m my case, the first tine I was staying with my parents when I went into labour and the second time they had to come and babysit!!

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