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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to tell people I’m in labour?

104 replies

Anxiousgirl23 · 16/10/2020 19:15

I’m 36 weeks pregnant with my first baby. Obviously this is all new to me and I’ve had quite a hard time and suffer with anxiety. We are planning a homebirth and i envisaged the whole thing as quite a private affair and just telling people after our daughter is born to avoid unnecessary "pressure" during labour with people asking for updates. Anyway, tonight we phoned my mother and father in law and mil was immediately I want to know straight away as soon as I’m in labour ... I find her quite overbearing with regards to baby (she wanted to come as soon as baby is born too and was quite put out when we said no). Maybe I’m just being touchy but I really just want to focus on me and my dh to do that too without having to be on his phone providing updates? What did other people do?

OP posts:

showgirlie · 17/10/2020 12:42

I didn't really realise i was in labour and when i did i was so in the zone it didnt enter my mind to get on my phone and call or text people, and tbh if my DH was on his phone i would have been quite annoyed! Second time my waters broke like something out of a movie so i did know and had enough time for my mum to come and look after DC1

Dreading2020sSeasonFinale · 17/10/2020 12:42

Totally up to you. Don't want people to know? Don't tell them.

Personally I couldn't give a hoot who knew so I was facebooking my Labour as it happened (the part up until the hospital because by then I would have been more likely to fling the phone at the wall instead.)

The only person who's opinions matter during Labour is you. Not family, not friends and yep, not even the baby's dad. He can have opinions with baby but YOU are the patient.

Turtleturtle81 · 17/10/2020 12:45

@OverTheRainbow88

Just feels a bit like a controlling power trip to me... Maybe i am just not very sentimental or I’ve got an unusually close relationship with my family and friends as I couldn’t imagine keeping giving birth a ‘secret’ as Some have described

What benefits are there of all your family knowing? No one needs to know every private moment. My partner and I need to concentrate on ourselves and the baby when I’m in labour, not spending time texting relatives just to keep them happy. I’ll be pretty pissed off if my partner is on his phone texting his mum instead of concentrating on what going on in the room. I’m sure if anything happened to me or the baby then he would contact family, but there really is no point in telling them anything until there is some news to actually tell (baby has arrived safely)

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/10/2020 12:56

In fact within a couple of hours the baby was being passed around and they wouldn’t give her back.

That poor baby!

Dinomum2 · 17/10/2020 13:02

If it makes your MIL feel involved to know I would tell her. What does it hurt her knowing you are in labour and saying we will let you know once baby arrives. I wish my children had grandparents that were interested in them so always find these threads difficult to understand.

VeganVeal · 17/10/2020 13:14

I'm not that sure anyone is worried what political party you belong to

Original poster

Anxiousgirl23 · 17/10/2020 13:16

@Dinomum2 because she will expect updates etc and it could be a long time and I want my dh to be fully focused on me, not responding to messages. Also because there’s a difference between being interested and being overbearing...

OP posts:

phoenixrosehere · 17/10/2020 13:52

YANBU

My first was an induction. It failed miserably (my body wasn’t near ready and consultants bloody knew it), lasted three days and I remember a bit of moaning of why wasn’t the baby out yet/what was taking so long from the in-laws and one of these comments was from SIL who was an actual nurse who was preg with her second child. Second time around, they had to wait until husband told them since I had a doula and didn’t notify him until I was in the ward and then he notified his parents and mine.

No one has the right to know or needs to know immediately and they can wait until you and baby are sorted. Your mind should be on birthing your baby as stress free as possible.

diddl · 17/10/2020 13:58

"If it makes your MIL feel involved to know I would tell her."

Bloody hell.

That must be one of the saddest, most pathetic things I have ever read.

OverTheRainbow88 · 17/10/2020 15:44

I want my dh to be fully focused on me, not responding to messages

Is this your first by any chance? Labour can go in for 40hours!

Ginfordinner · 17/10/2020 15:56

@OverTheRainbow88

I want my dh to be fully focused on me, not responding to messages

Is this your first by any chance? Labour can go in for 40hours!

Exactly

diddl · 17/10/2020 16:32

"I want my dh to be fully focused on me, not responding to messages"

Why would he respond to messages rather than switch his phone off though?

Ginfordinner · 17/10/2020 16:36

@diddl

"I want my dh to be fully focused on me, not responding to messages"

Why would he respond to messages rather than switch his phone off though?

This ^^ as well

SarahAndQuack · 17/10/2020 16:41

The thing about not responding to messages, though, is wouldn't it be worrying for family?

Surely worse than not knowing.

And bear in mind some hospitals have terrible signal, too.

diddl · 17/10/2020 16:45

"The thing about not responding to messages, though, is wouldn't it be worrying for family?"

Well I suppose it depends if you usually answer straight away?

Idk, don't people ever go out for the day or not answer messages whilst at work for example?

rorosemary · 17/10/2020 16:45

The more relaxed the mother is, the better the birth will go. So it's up to her if she wants to tell people, tell nobody, have flyers sent out with the due date or whatever. Whatever helps. Nobody else, including her partner, should get a say in her delivery.

AriesTheRam · 17/10/2020 16:50

I got induced at 8am valentines day,had ds 2 days later.My parents knew but left it to me to let them know when I'd had the baby ( had ds at 3.40am,rang them around 6am) .Mil was.on holiday so she saw him when got back.

GoldenOmber · 17/10/2020 16:54

[quote Anxiousgirl23]@Dinomum2 because she will expect updates etc and it could be a long time and I want my dh to be fully focused on me, not responding to messages. Also because there’s a difference between being interested and being overbearing...[/quote]
With my first my DH texted his parents to say we were headed to hospital and he was turning his phone off, they’d hear when there was something to update them about.

If you’re doing that though you really do have to turn off the phone because he turned his back on to find 30+ messages from my MIL saying “any news yet?????”

I didn’t tell any of my family because they had been pestering me for updates multiple times a day while the baby was overdue, and I was fed up of all of them. “I’ll let you know when the baby arrives, BYE.”

diddl · 17/10/2020 16:59

"With my first my DH texted his parents to say we were headed to hospital and he was turning his phone off, they’d hear when there was something to update them about."

Of course you could be dealing with people who would turn up at the hospital rather than wait to hear!

JustGetThroughTheDay · 17/10/2020 17:05

I had the same from my mother. I'd actually invited her to be with me but she refused when I said that my husband wouldn't be able to leave me to do an hour and a half round trip to collect her once I was in labour!
Anyway she said the same the night before I gave birth I nodded and agreed and then rang her back the following evening to tell her the baby had been born.
It was the best thing for me and helped that I could just concentrate on what was important. Good luck op

GoldenOmber · 17/10/2020 17:09

@diddl

"With my first my DH texted his parents to say we were headed to hospital and he was turning his phone off, they’d hear when there was something to update them about."

Of course you could be dealing with people who would turn up at the hospital rather than wait to hear!

I suppose, but where could they go? Unless you're in an American sitcom and there's a big waiting room for expectant relatives

Bikingbear · 17/10/2020 17:25

Personally I wouldn't tell anyone. That seems to be the way in my circle of friends too.

I remember my DMum being a nervous wreck when my DSis was induced. She was so worried about DSis.
Around the time I was due DC1 MIL was giving me really personal info (how many cm) her friends DD was. It was cringeworthy hearing that info coupled with the excitement in MIL. We'll both be Grannies by the weekend. No concern for the other woman or me.

2bazookas · 17/10/2020 17:41

just don't tell anyone you've started , and turn off the phones .

diddl · 18/10/2020 08:43

"I suppose, but where could they go? Unless you're in an American sitcom and there's a big waiting room for expectant relatives"

True, especially if you didn't know they were there & were sent away if you didn't want to see them!

user1471538283 · 18/10/2020 08:46

Don't tell them. Mine was different because DS was so late I was induced twice. After it failed the first time I had a 24 hour break and just wanted to see my DF. My DGPs had travelled up so they came along. I can still remember how comforting that was. But the baby is yours. You dictate the terms.

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