To think it is neglectful to let your child get overweight

[jackson14478]

If you cannot provide your child with basic nutrition, a balanced diet and enough exercise, would you say it's child neglect?

I know for a fact that low income/benefits families can feed their children a healthy diet at a similar cost to an unhealthy one. I've done it and so have friends.

Letting your child become grossly overweight through no fault of their own is not responding to their basic needs

Also underweight DD likes to sit and watch tv all day. Obvs I make her be active. Overweight dd is always running around playing football

I remember Jamie Oliver asking parents how much pasta they thought a young child should have in one meal. Every parent thought at least double to what they needed. I think portion control does play a huge part in obesity.
My dh was two stone overweight for several years but would finish any leftovers and get really grumpy if I said they were for another meal.
Eventually he managed to cut his meal sizes down and he’s much trimmer now. Luckily my dc were brought up with appropriate portions and I never made them clear their plate.

YANBU - my DS is currently a little overweight. His diet changed (medical things) and I’ve been letting him enjoy too much while he has been inactive. Generally, as an overweight adult, I’m very conscious of what he eats.

I have personally lost 5+ stone to regain a healthy weight and kept it off for the last4+ years. I have one healthy weight child despite reduced mobility and a medical diet that adds an additional 300odd calories a day.

However I have one overweight teen.

Her attitude to food was always problematic. From a young age She had trigger food that she would sneak into her room not constantly but when she was unhappy. Her relationship with her dad was a disaster after every troubling incident the food would disappear. So i stopped stocking that food in the house. She tried and absolutely hated counselling. Mostly it didn't matter because she had a competitive sport she did to a high standard. Eventually she was able to stop seeing her dad and things settled right down. There was a few years relative peace.

Then she developed physical issue that stopped the sport and she went to secondary. She had 18 months of pretty much physical hell. She still has difficulty doing any sport (especially ridiculous PE lessons) and is in low level pain a significant amount of the time. Walking to and from school simply wasnt possible (It's a long walk).

Slowly the situation was improving with swimming at home. She gained a bit of weight but not too much. Other than the low level pain and school sports she thought she was mostly fixed.

Then she attempted DoE. Her original health problem resurfaced and she self harmed that night on her early return. GP refered her to CAMHS but she wasn't serious enough for CAMHS to be able to offer anything. She hated the whole thing and promised not to do it again.

Then the eating went haywire.

She was eating a balanced diet at home, it was pizza and whatever sweets/cake her friends bought in at school. Which left her hungry, so she was nabbing tins of tuna, microwave pouches of rice at home without my realising (just thought I hadn't got as many as i thought). She'd offer to walk down to the corner shop to pick up bread but whilst she was there she pick up massive bars of chocolate too. Every now and then I'd go clear out her room to check out the extent of the problem. Pocket money was kept minimal. Holiday time was better she'd lose as the low impact exercise increased, then school shed gain. So whilst bad it didnt seem too out of whack.

Overall things were slowly settling down. I'd got her in on my swimming gym membership and we were going frequently after school.

Then lockdown hit.

She was very worried for medically vulnerable DS. She started gaining, which made no sense as neither DS or I were. Then i realised the covid stash of full fat rice puddings for DS medical diet were severely depleted. A whole large box of heroes chocolates disappeared. I searched high and low couldn't work out where I'd put them. When eventually I found those in her room there was a bit of a breakthrough.

She happily diets with me if its a meal replacement so she doesn't have to think about food at all. That's almost a relief to her. And thanks to covid introducing some major lifestyle changes on my part shes walking home from school with me despite the pain. She even volunteered to walk in solo the other day although she made it (first time since she first started secondary) this proved a step too far yet. But we're getting there slowly. Baby steps. Her room has remained entirely clear and she hasn't self harmed. DS no longer goes to DDs school so i think that's a relief too.

Being at a healthy weight involves a healthy mind. Sometimes that needs work before you can sort the body. Judgement doesnt help.

Often it is lazy parenting, my DPs ex has let the kids become overweight, she never cooks anything, takeaway 5 nights out of 7 and loads of crisps and sweets. He has an uphill battle getting them to eat anything he cooks. She is financially comfortable, uni educated, just lazy, give them what they want for an easy life 😕

I wanted to hear what mitigating factors people might have thought of that I hadn't, or medical issues that come into play that I don't know about, what's the point in this section if you can't actually ask people AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?

Oh I see. If only you’d said “am I being unreasonable to ask what other factors might account for a child being obese aside from being neglected by their parents”. I would then have said, “no, it’s a good question and as a parent of one such child I’d like to enlighten you about one possible alternative reason that happened to one of my children despite my very best efforts to halt it”. But I don’t think I will because I suspect you’ve already decided what’s behind obesity and you just want to bit of Friday night entertainment attacking other parents and encouraging others to do the same. Please do not insult everyone’s intelligence by later stating that you would like an intelligent open minded conversation because that was not how you began.

PS: my DD was diagnosed, treated and over the year after her diagnosis she lost the three stone she’d gain steadily since around 11. She’s now 18, in the middle of a healthy BMI range and perfectly healthy. You’d never know her mother was neglectful.

Nope. My daughter is overweight my sons are not. No matter how much I try to portion control at home she eats what she likes at school and buys herself sweets from the shops. Does zero exercise. We are a sporty family.

You tell me how to help her lose weight

I agree, OP. My dh was allowed to become very overweight as a child, not just a bit of puppy fat, he was double the size of kids his age, shaped like a barrel, and he has suffered with his weight his entire life because of it. His mum is also morbidly obese. Whenever she looks after my dc she spends the whole time plying them with biscuits, ice cream, chocolate, crisps. We've asked her not to so she used to lie to us about what she'd fed them knowing they were too small to tell us. Now they're older the dc tell us what they've really eaten and it's really bad to the point I won't often let her look after them.

There is also a mum at the school gates who is very very over weight. Fine, her choice. But her dd who is around 5 years old is getting bigger by the day. Again, not puppy fat. She's very obese and seems to struggle even to walk. Her clothes are stretched tight on her. We often walk behind them on the way home and today the child was eating a donut for an afternoon snack, a few days ago it was a big bag of sandwiches (not just one of two, but about 5 slices of bread), last week it was a big bar of chocolate. Those things once in a while are fine, but junky, over sugary foods on a daily basis are not good and have obviously caused this morbidly obese young child. I honestly don't understand how her parents can't see what they're doing to her.

I also used to work with an incredibly overweight child who was given money each morning for breakfast then chucked out of the house at 8am. He would go to the shop each morning, buy a 2.25l of coke and one of those huge bags of crisps and sit outside the shop consuming it until school opened. His family ordered takeaway nearly every night of the week. This kid is now around 18 and he is colossal. He must weigh between 20 and 30 stone.

So, whilst I appreciate that everyone naturally grows to different sizes and shapes, morbidly obese isn't a natural state to be in and I do judge parents who allow their child to become obese due to their inability to give their child a half decent diet. It is cruel and it ruins that persons life. My dh is so unhappy with his weight and tries really hard to lose weight and keep it off but he basically has to be on a permanent diet to ensure he maintains his weight which makes him miserable. His metabolism is completely messed up.

YANBU medical exceptions aside

@AldiAisleofCrap - Please read my response directed to another poster.

Saying that things like exercise bikes are options are assuming that people have the money or space for these things. We did get a Wii, and it cost a small fortune as prices skyrocketed in lockdown.

@Indoctro

I wasn't sat stuffing cake into her mouth, it was just that I didn't make portion sizes quite small enough to correspond with the lower energy output that comes with being stuck at home 24/7 for 4+ months. The sudden change is quite a shock to the system.

It wasn't that I didn't try, even with the weeks when getting food was difficult (the Boris boxes weren't exactly nutritionally sound) or impossible.

"Irresponsible feeding" sounds like you think I have toddlers or dogs.

A teenager, on high dose steroids, who has been told not to leave the house lest they should become gravely unwell is not fed like a bloody dog.

Perhaps just consider that you have no idea of people's circumstances when you look at an overweight child and condemn their parent(s).

I have 2 dds, one has always been chubby, the other has always been very skinny. They eat the same food/snacks, but the skinny one eats far more than the chubby one and does less exercise. Can you explain where i have gone wrong as a parent, as i would find it very helpful.

If you are generally interested in a reasons why a child might be overweight, I can give you one...

We have 3 children. One child is on long term medication which impairs his appetite. He is very underweight and his growth is stalling. Every day from the moment we all wake up until bedtime, we are trying to get extra calories into him. We try to get the extra snacks and extra meals into him discretely. We make sure the other children know and understand why he seems to be offered more food, more frequently. But in day to day normal family life it is very hard to entirely prevent the gradual calorie creep for the other children. Even just 50 calories every couple of days adds up to weight gain over a year.

If this is understandable to you, perhaps you can take the leap to understand that eating and weight are complicated and the reasons why any one individual might be overweight are varied and complex.

It is a safeguarding issue along with not looking after a child’s teeth. To be honest obesity and tooth decay often go hand in hand. It is neglect but on its own it does not really justify a full on SS intervention with child being removed from parent. However it may be used to add weight to a case.
Certainly morbid obesity with no medical cause will be a red flag to any health care professional.
Poor education and family eating habits are usually the underlying cause, but as many will say it’s cheaper to feed a family with fast/convenience food and it’s often difficult to re-educate.
DS eats his own weight in carbs but exercises/ trains almost daily. He is now much more interested in the diet he eats as it is now impacting on his training and body. He was also fed on demand so will only really eat when he is hungry, which at 16 is pretty much continuously but he has very little body fat.

Are you fat @EarringsandLipstick ?

It is never a healthy debate accusing parents of overweight DC as neglectful.
There was 4 girls in our home no snacks you ate what was on your plate.
My eldest Dsis was a chubby DC and for years of her adult life.
She definitely wasn't sneaking food we didn't have spare food.

Rotundandhappy

Are you fat @EarringsandLipstick ?
Rotundandhappy Earrings confirmed she isn't fat.
The OP is goady.
She is right to call on it.

I agree on the responsibility of the child's parents or responsible adult,if not living at home,to provide a healthy diet and attitude towards eating.
I do ask that nobody makes judgement of children they don't know,ditto the adult caring for the child.If she or he (child)was on medication that caused weight gain whilst on it,the last thing they need is people staring at them with distaste.your children will copy you and the I'll child will then feel worse than she does already.heart breaking.

@Rotundandhappy

You didn't read my later posts I see. As Emerald said I confirmed I was slim.

Mostly I eat well, exercise daily, tick all the 'healthy' boxes but I'm aware on another level, I'm not, and I worry I could be affecting my teen & pre-teen children with my attitudes to food, tho I'm working on it.

But why do you ask? Why does it matter?

@Gancanny

You've done your research, I can tell you've been to uni (not being cocky just pointing it out as im in uni at the mo)

Our friends/neighbours dd was extremely overweight, it kinda blew my mind due to her parents jobs and the fact the mum herself had a tummy tuck due to having to lose almost half her body weight pre dc. It was pure greed and pandering to make her behave, utter pish as she is a totally cracking kid. Now she's as thin as a rake, out exercising nearly all day and NOW they're worrying.

It IS negligent on the most part.

fuck me

"Portion size is key. I still put my own and early teen and pre teen meals on little breakfast plates. Their appetites are therefore small. They are both beautifully slim. Their larger friends have massive portions. They will thank me later!"

That's if they don't develop serious issues with food thanks to this controlling behaviour of course.

They are both beautifully slim

Because as we all know, all slim people are beautiful and all fat people are fugly chuds.

@Deadringer you cant just treat children the same and expect them to be the same just because they are siblings. If your child is genuinely chubby rather than just of a different build then they are eating too many calories for them. This is true regardless of what their sibling is eating.