To think it is neglectful to let your child get overweight

[jackson14478]

If you cannot provide your child with basic nutrition, a balanced diet and enough exercise, would you say it's child neglect?

I know for a fact that low income/benefits families can feed their children a healthy diet at a similar cost to an unhealthy one. I've done it and so have friends.

Letting your child become grossly overweight through no fault of their own is not responding to their basic needs

Does the same also apply to all the stick thing, slightyunderweight, cannot-put-weight-on-to-save-themselves children I often read about on MN?

We don’t have a garden and manage not to be overweight@WinstonWolf. Shielding is also no excuse. You can still run, walk and play in parks

I actually think our life styles in this country are a real obstacle.

Parents working , childcare patched together, shift work, lack of time and/or money , ever decreasing "green areas"

Parents are too exhausted, don't have time, kids filled up on snacks to tide them over til tea time where ht has to be quick and easy. Adults aswell all grabbing stuff on the go and eating shute at work from takeaways cos the shops closed and your on til 10/11. Parents often do do their best to try and enrole kids in some kind of class but then grossly over estimate the amount of exercise actually done forgetting theres Much sitting or standing around waiting turns and the portable snacks in the car on the way there being too much considering the lack of actual full on exercise.

And getting kids into the higher level sports where they would realky do some serious training is £££

There are things some parents could do , like walk to and from school not drive and not greet them at the gates with share bags of crisps etc but there are also lots of parents who,that hour between 3.00 and 4 vefire you leave for the night shift night be all they have tine wise with their kids til their day off etc

If we want healthier adults and children there's a heck of alot we need to do in this country to change things. Our whole set up needs to change its not good for any of us but its also what many people have to do

And some people like grandparents or neighbours and friends could play their part as well and not think that just because they aren't charging that anything goes. .

It all puts people in a realky awkward position

I really think it's part of basic parenting to keep your child at a healthy weight

I do agree with this.

But as per PPs there are wider societal issues at play, and OP was about as goady & judgemental as it's possible to be.

Taking another approach. I'm slim. I come from a very slim family. Food was a very straightforward matter. Few treats but no issue around them if they were there, dinners cooked, which were grand, plain cooking & healthy sizes. My busy mother working full-time did not ever think about food as an issue, it was just a household chore.

I have a lot of control issues around food however. When I'm stressed, I don't eat - or I don't eat properly. Massively linked to my emotions & mental health.

I'll often exist on chocolate & cups of tea at this point & exercise intensively.

I've 3 kids & they notice this, ask me if I've eaten etc. I'm a single parent & find mealtimes hard. It's a real effort - but one I work at - to eat regularly & healthily, with my kids, and reduce my sugar intake.

If you saw me, you'd think I was healthy & perhaps OP would categorise me as 'better' than those fat people. But sometimes, my practices are not healthy and potentially damaging to my own children.

Life is complicated. Judging superficially is wrong.

I completely agree! .. i am an overweight adult and was an overweight child for some of my childhood. My parents had plenty of money but i ended up overweight due to snacking too much. We had healthy homecooked meals but mum would never say no to snacks and i comfort ate. Parents were not overweight. Mum was underweight and suffered with own issues and i feel like out of guilt she let me eat as many snacks as i wanted. I am about to become a parent and as an overweight adult i will feed my child very healthily and try to change my comfort snacking habits so that my child stays a healthy weight and doesnt pick up my habit. I dislike seeing overweight families with overweight children it makes me angry. I agree that even on a budget you can eat somewhat healthily

I think it's the ridiculous amount of choice and options these days. Ofcourse people should feed a Good diet to children. Food shopping isn't cheap though is it.

I normally buy mince or turkey balls, gammon and a roast chicken every week. It varies abit. But I try and cook three meals with veg and potatoes. I usually do a chicken pasta or tuna pasta with peppers, veg, spinach etc every week. Then we have things like fish finger wraps. Pizza and chips. Fish mash and veg. Lunch is usually sandwiches and yoghurts, fruit etc. Cereal or those scotch pancakes for breakfast. My kids eat Weetabix, porridge, cocopops etc.

In between meals my kids have fruit and veg, malt loaf and yes bits of chocolate or biscuits. Both are healthy.

It's about £90 a week for whatever buy including household items.

But if people only have £50 or something it's much harder to provide healthier stuff in my view. Things like strawberries, melon, raspberry's, apples can easily cost £2-£3 each. A joint of pork or beef can easily cost £6-£12. I try and get the better ham because in all honesty I hate the slimy cheap ham for £1. But if that's all I could afford I'd have to get it for my kids to eat.

There's a big difference between feeding your kids crap because you can't cook and don't care and can't be bothered, compared to having a family to feed on say £40 a week. It's a reality for many!

Yes you can make your own sauce with tinned tomatoes etc. But the cheaper cooking sauces can be full of sugar or sweetener and taste disgusting. Again if that's all a parent can afford its better the child doesn't starve!

YANBU, it is bad parenting.

My eldest (12) is so slim he is considered underweight. He eats like a horse. My second son (11) has exactly the same meals and is just as active but is overweight. I cook everything from scratch and don’t buy processed foods. They both eat a healthy, balanced diet. They both do football, boxing and rugby. They cycle to school. My eldest is the one with the sweet tooth and I regularly have to confiscate sweets he has bought from the corner shop with his pocket money. I have the same problem as my second son. I just look at a cake and it goes to my ass. My father is the same. Would you say I was neglectful? A bad parent? Or could it sometimes be shitty genes? We shouldn’t be so quick to judge.

I feel very sad to see overweight children.

I've been overweight since my teens and the lack of self esteem because of it (and I mean as a teen I was a size 12, nothing bigger, but still miserable) is something I never escaped.

So I really am careful to how my DC eat and exercise so that they don't follow my path.

But I see my cousins two kids both eat whatever they want, when they want. When the 5 year old wanted 5 toaster waffles with Nutella they let him.

That to me was very triggering. And the child already has to buy age 9-10 clothes. And is shorter than mine of the same age.

But while it makes me sad the children are definitely not neglected. They're in a happy, warm, loving home. Have nice days out and scooters and bikes and a big garden.

We all do things wrong and no one is a perfect parent.

I have 9 yr old twin boys . They eat EXACTLY the same healthy diet. Exactly the same portions and they get the same exercise . One is thin . The other is chubby. It’s a struggle .

I don’t think it’s anything to do with money, exercise is free regardless of garden or not and healthy food doesn’t have to be expensive at all.

But again, both of these things come down to access and education. Exercise can be free provided you have parks or fields nearby or live in a reasonable enough area, if you live in a really shit area you're not going to want your kids running around out in the street. You would also need to have ideas of how to make it fun or interesting as no child is going to want to plod around the estate for hours on end so you'd need the mental resources to come up with things like iSpy or rhyming games or racing games while on these walks.

For food, you need somewhere that sells healthy food and that is accessible to you. You need to know how to cook, even basic recipes, and know how and where to learn more. In addition to that, over one million people in the UK live in food deserts, that is an area that has limited or no access to affordable, healthy food. Over one million adults in the UK are 'unbanked' meaning they have no bank account so would be unable to food shop online. Over two million have no Internet access anyway. And that's not mentioning the minimum spend you need to be able to order food shopping online anyway not to mention somewhere to store it. Over two million households are in fuel poverty, as well as actual poverty, so running a fridge-freezer for food storage becomes difficult, as does having cooking facilities.

Early interventions are key to improving outcomes, as are financial resources, and what did our government do? Closed down the SureStart programme that provided vital support to families in need of intervention and pursued a policy of austerity that forced many more families into poverty.

Yanbu

I personally think genetics play some sort of role. It’s certainly not always the case and the basics are - if you put more (calories) in than you burn off you’ll gain weight. I do think however, some people have faster metabolisms.

The lockdown was the ideal time for people to lose weight, not put it on. Go out once a day for exercise was the instruction, not an hour as often quoted on here, I saw families out cycling, walking, scooting and running about with football in the park. Add eating properly because takeaways were shut and less trips to the shops and it was a brilliant opportunity.
The constant snacking/drinking culture is part of the problem.

As a child I was skinny, always on the go, cycling, playing out, playing football. I only sat still long enough to read books. My brother was chubby, he spent his time airfix modelling so was far more sedentary.
My kids were slim too, football, karate, bikes/scooter/go karts/playing out from age 8.
Adults feed kids under 10ish. Its only when they get the freedom to buy their own food that it would impact.
There are far too many adults who refuse to take responsibility for their kids health.

I really think it's part of basic parenting to keep your child at a healthy weight

I 100% agree.

But maybe that's easy for me to say as DC aren't big eaters. Never finish a meal or lunchbox and prefer to snack on carrots and olives. Just want to eat as little as they can get away with before I'll let them leave the table/play again.

If I had my friends child who relentlessly asks for food allllll day (and I struggle when he comes for a play date as seriously it's non stop) then I wouldn't be able to be nearly as smug about my lean DC.

@Gancanny

Why would you let your kid get fat and subject them to a life of misery

• money, or lack of
• resources, or lack of
• education, or lack of
• chaotic lifestyle
• lack of support
• medical conditions
• genetic conditions
• developmental conditions
• mental illness
• emotional issues
• family dynamics

More reasons besides those above. Its a complex issue.

Other than medical/genetic conditions they are all excuses! In this day and age it’s just sheer laziness and shit parenting to allow a kid without health issues to get fat.

@Qwertywerty3 - Shielding meant we were not supposed to leave the house at all. Not even to put the bins out.

Can't exactly go to a park in that situation.

Also, my teenager has only had this issue since shielding, so we usually manage to perfectly manage life without a garden without weight issues.

Perhaps don't judge what you don't understand?!

You are being HUGELY unreasonable in calling this child neglect. For some families yes, letting your child get obese is the result of poor parental choices, for parents who actually HAVE choices. For many many other families living in poverty or on the edge, children winding up as obese is not the result of meaningful choices.

Lowest income children are most likely to be overweight and obese: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6024903/

Consider:

1. Food deserts - some parts of cities and the country have few real grocery stores stocked with fresh, inexpensive food. These areas tend to be concentrated in low income areas.
2. Parents who are working multiple jobs or supporting a family as a single parent - preparing healthy, balanced meals
3. Lower income parents are more likely to rely on unreliable transportation which may mean getting to a decent sized supermarket is tough, or transporting a week's worth of shopping home may be challenging and for reason number 2, parents don't have time to pop to the shops every day to stock up.
4. Lower income children less likely to have safe play spaces nearby. While diet may play a bigger role in weight, for children especially, being sedentary also contributes significantly. These same children may not have high quality childcare that encourages them to be active - mum may be working two jobs and/or long shifts, child is looked after by older sibling, older sibling parks in front of the TV.
5. Low income families have very little disposable income to spend on any kind of treats/fun things for their children. I might take my DC to the zoo every week because I can afford it. For low income parents, a 99p meal at MacDonald's means an hour in the play area - a treat for their children they can't afford any other way.
6. Low income parents much more likely to have come from low income families where parents also didn't have time to cook healthy meals every day and thus they didn't have the opportunities to really learn meal planning and healthy cooking. Cycle and repeat.

OP & others will undoubtedly come on here and say some version of "I fed my family healthy food on 50p a week and we're all perfect" - well done, you are NOT the norm and the challenges in feeding their families most low income parents face are enormous. As a high income person, even if I was suddenly to become very low income, I would already have huge benefits of knowledge on how to feed my family effectively on a budget.

OP - I find your initial premise pretty offensive - you give a specific example around low income families being neglectful of their children if they end up overweight. In fact low income families face structural difficulties at every turn, if you're going to be judgemental about any children ending up overweight, it is NOT those children and parents you should be looking to!

@jackson14478

I know... was discussing with friends and wanted opinions, controversial or what

People post this sort of thing on MN all the time.

I became overweight because of an eating disorder and a massive hormone imbalance. My Mum fed me healthy food but I was slowly developing bulimia and secretly binging. She didn't want to worry me about my weight because she grew up with people who were very critical about her appearance so she fed me healthy home cooked meal in the hopes I would lose weight naturally. Little did she know I was being sent mixed signals about my weight at both my grandparents house. Don't judge people based on weight. I hid my issues for almost 20 years. If my Mum knew she would of helped me.

Portion size is key. I still put my own and early teen and pre teen meals on little breakfast plates. Their appetites are therefore small. They are both beautifully slim. Their larger friends have massive portions. They will thank me later!

@SBTLove - Again, we were shielding and advised not to leave the house at all. No bike rides and walks out of the house etc.

I bought a Wii to encourage indoor exercise, but the simple truth is that my teen went from being very active and doing lots of walking, horse riding, swimming etc, to being stuck at home 24/7.

She eats fairly healthily, it was ju st that portion sizes were obviously too big, and we spent so much time together I just didn't notice it going on gradually (bus y in a pandemic y'know).

But don't let any of that get in the way of your judging.

My step brother was hugely over weight, I used to watch him cry his eyes out asking for more food whilst his mum battled with him about it. She did give in sometimes because she felt bad... I felt bad for her tbh. It really isn’t as simple as you’re making out IMO.

Anyway, his in his 20s now & not at all fat, & he really was big. So you just don’t know how it’s gonna turn out 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have two daughters, both have the exact same diet. One is underweight the other overweight. Underweight daughter always eats seconds. Overweight daughter is always full after first helping.
We have a takeaway twice a month, kids choice tea once a week each. The rest of the time it's scratch cooked food. The only variation is what they have in their school dinners.
Snacks are fruit or yoghurt. They always have their snack together and they almost always pick the same thing.
Interestingly on kids choice day overweight dd usually chooses pink fish broccoli potatoes and peas.
Underweight DD always chooses sausage and chips.
Sweets/chocolate/popcorn on a Sunday movie day. Everyone deserves a treat.
There is no neglect in my house either.
Stop being a judgemental Jenny.

I agree in principle but some kids just are bigger. One of DS's friend's eats like a bird, really healthy food and very active but is still weighs much more than DS despite being shorter.

If it's a case of McDonald's every day, loads of sugar and unhealthy drinks then yes, obviously that is a health concern and someone needs to have a frank conversation with the child's parents. I've never seen it done but I was shocked when in a health visitors appointment I was asked if DS ever had fizzy drinks, he was 11 months old.

By the time I left home to go to university, I was very overweight - obese in fact. Not so far off morbidly obese.

Food was never a luxury in our house. We had three large meals a day, plus snacks, and fatty foods were never hard to come by. In fact, some days we had four meals as we would have supper as well. We were never physically active.

I find it difficult to label my parents as 'abusive', but I think the things they fed me - that I came to think were 'normal' - damaged me in many ways.

Because of that I was a fat child and a fat teenager. I missed many rites of passage as a teen, such as looking good in clothes, going to prom (I wouldn't go because there was no way I was wearing a dress), having boyfriends, going clothes shopping with friends .. I did none of it, and that's a time of my life I'm never getting back.

Also because of it, I put on even more weight at university as I'd never learned to cook well.

In my second year, when I moved from halls into a private flat, I changed my ways completely. I started exercising and dieting. It was a tough, horrible process that had me in tears on most days. I'd look at myself in the mirror, disgusted, and go to bed craving the foods I'd been raised to love.

Over the course of two years, I lost 12 stone, became a healthy BMI for the first time in my life, and learned to enjoy wearing clothes that flattered my figure.

From when I'd lost about 5 stone, my parents started telling me I was losing too much weight, and should be careful and stop. Bear in mind, I was still very overweight at this point. By the time I'd finished my mum happily referred to me as 'skeletal', as if I'd been better before. I was smack bang in the middle of a healthy BMI, eating well and exercising so I had a decent muscle tone, too. For goodness knows what reason, they seem to prefer it when I'm large like them - and they've never been able to be happy for me since I've lost the weight.

I kept it off for many years, but have gained quite a lot over lockdown, so I'm sure they'll be happy when they next see me.