Wedding + SIL = a recipe for disaster!

[Hrps]

As a family, covid restrictions certainly hit us hard with first my sister in law's wedding being cancelled then our own changing 4+times (we got married in September, and It was actually perfect, I wouldn't change a thing!).

My sister in law has rearranged her wedding for next May, she is utterly set that it will be the big 150+ people wedding she had originally planned. I can absolutely understand her wanting to hope for the best, but with the best will in the world I just don't see it happening.

Her single-mindedness about not changing a thing is effecting the whole family already, such as I spent yesterday evening printing 160 orders of services for her, spending my own money on the paper and ink.

The list of jobs for me to do is ever growing and I'm starting to feel resentful about how much work I've been signed up for, due to how pointless it feels making things for 150+ guests who will likely never attend! I'm still happy to help out but I don't think she's being reasonable!

I've been told quite firmly to stay quiet with my opinions on planning for this number as "we got to have our day, now let her have hers". The view of the whole family seems to be to let it be never mind how much extra time and money we will all be investing in it.

AIBU to feel like this? Should I stay quiet to keep the peace or does she need a gentle reality check?

Because it's your in law I wouldn't say anything. Not your place too. But I also would stop doing any jobs or trying to help out if it's frustrating you that much. Relationships are more than a wedding.

Why are these YOUR jobs?!

Yeah I agree to just let her get on with it BUT I wouldnt be doing any jobs for her!

Why are you doing it? Just say no, you don't want to.

I wouldn’t want to do those jobs for someone else normally anyway.

Let her plan if it makes her happy and don’t share your concerns that it may not happen over and over because she doesn’t want to hear it but find a way of getting out of all these random jobs. Someone else’s wedding shouldn’t be so much work.

In law? Say nothing and be nothing but excited in her presence. Why the hell are you doing those jobs? I had a wedding with 150 people and I certainly didn't ask anyone to print 150 services. You pay people for that. Find excuses to get out of it, you won't be her favourite person but she sounds nuts anyway.

You dont have to do the jobs!

I would say let her get on with it!

Not sure why she would need the order of service printed 7 months in advance... seems a bit crazy!

Even without Covid, why would anyone print the order of service seven months before the wedding? This all sounds nuts.

Why are you already printing out 150 copies of an order of service for a wedding that won’t be happening for 7 months? Bollocks to that I’d have refused to do that until much nearer the time even without the pandemic.

As for your prediction that the big wedding won’t go ahead, I happen to agree with you but I’d not say a word, just refuse to spend my time and money printing out pieces of paper until nearer the time as it’s just not needed right now.

These are not your jobs to do. I can understand family wanting to help out here and there but an ever growing list of jobs for you to get through? Don’t do it OP. Take a step back.

Keep quiet
But if she wants printing done etc that's up to her, find a way to back away

When I got married so did all those jobs myself. I didn’t burden anyone with them, I also may even a bit of a control freak and like to oversee things. But never would I give those jobs to my SIL. Is she not able?
Also, I never ever let anyone spend their own money on wedding planning, that’s not right.

YANBU about the realities and the work you’re expected to invest in it. I would disengage to be honest, no point in wasting your time as a wedding of that size even in May is unlikely

I admire her optimism but has anybody told her that things are unlikely to be back to normal by next year? It's one thing to be wilfully deluded because you want to believe something, I'd let her on with that but I would, very diplomatically, say something if she was genuinely clueless.

There is a really really strong family pressure to do these jobs particularly as the viewpoint seems to be that as she didn't get her day so we need to pull together to make her next one perfect.

I've tried wiggling out of jobs and even saying a flat out no but each time in guilt tripped because we managed to make our wedding work on the original day we had planned.

She hasn't held you at gun point and forced you to do the jobs has she?

Don't be guilt tripped into that. Time is precious, tell her you're busy and if anybody has a problem with that, tell them they can do it.

She can have the wedding she wants (well I presume there is a groom)

Just say no to the jobs

Of course on here you will be told your husband has to stand up to you because it will be assumed you don't have a voice but again just say no!!!

I would keep quiet about anything other than the no though brides don't like being told what to do

You must have made some changes to your wedding? It can't have been 100% the way you planned in the current circumstances.

Your sil is delusional if she thinks she's getting 150 guests by next May! There is no sign of any vaccine and even if there is one it would be in the early stages. Why on Earth is she printing orders if service 7 months before? She is crazy.

She's heading for a fall. Let it happen but stand up for yourself and tell her to do her own wedding planning.

This isn’t about weddings, you need to decide you’re the boss of you, not SIL or anyone else.

“I can’t help with that”.

What are they going to do if you repeatedly say no?

Don’t capitulate and then complain about it. Pressure? Hmmm, no. Just say you’re not doing it and someone else who wants to take part in the farce will have to step up.

Her wanting a big wedding in May isn’t the issue.

You doing all these jobs is the issue. Tell her no or say you will assist closer to the time.

Unless you had her doing X, Y and Z for your wedding then I don’t see why you feel obliged.

What tasks has your DH been allocated? Or is this just wife work that the women have to do?

Say nothing, we really don't know what will we happening then, but I would step back from being involved

As others have said, why on earth would you print out the order of service now? I call bullshit in that. Fine to type it up and set it, but you'd have to be daft to print them.
Did your sil do a load of jobs for your wedding? If so, you need to suck it up a bit, if not then stop choosing to do it.

Presumably you got your day as you made compromise, you may also have been lucky and just squeezed it in that beginning of September window before it all went wrong again.

I think most of your inlaw family must be aware everyone is humouring her and that it might not happen in the way she is planning. However, as they are your in laws I think your just going to have to bite your tongue and hope your wrong. They won’t forget how you react to this, and will be in your life for a long time.
If it gets to March / April and things are still looking bleak I’d start having conversations with your parents in law about if there’s any way of managing her disappointment (whilst biting your tongue again from going “I fucking told you”).

Good luck, I’d suggest mouth guards to protect your tongue from all the biting your going to have to do!!!