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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding + SIL = a recipe for disaster!

121 replies

Hrps · 16/10/2020 09:04

As a family, covid restrictions certainly hit us hard with first my sister in law's wedding being cancelled then our own changing 4+times (we got married in September, and It was actually perfect, I wouldn't change a thing!).

My sister in law has rearranged her wedding for next May, she is utterly set that it will be the big 150+ people wedding she had originally planned. I can absolutely understand her wanting to hope for the best, but with the best will in the world I just don't see it happening.

Her single-mindedness about not changing a thing is effecting the whole family already, such as I spent yesterday evening printing 160 orders of services for her, spending my own money on the paper and ink.

The list of jobs for me to do is ever growing and I'm starting to feel resentful about how much work I've been signed up for, due to how pointless it feels making things for 150+ guests who will likely never attend! I'm still happy to help out but I don't think she's being reasonable!

I've been told quite firmly to stay quiet with my opinions on planning for this number as "we got to have our day, now let her have hers". The view of the whole family seems to be to let it be never mind how much extra time and money we will all be investing in it.

AIBU to feel like this? Should I stay quiet to keep the peace or does she need a gentle reality check?

OP posts:
zigaziga · 16/10/2020 09:25

I've tried wiggling out of jobs and even saying a flat out no but each time in guilt tripped because we managed to make our wedding work on the original day we had planned.
Did your wedding involve a lot of work for other people though?

I think, unpleasant as it is, you need to keep saying no.

Heyahun · 16/10/2020 09:26

Ah leave her alone - it prob gives her some hope and something to look forward to - and nobody knows what it will be like in May! She’ll find out closer to the time of it can’t go ahead and then move it again or tone it down!

Not everyone has to be so doom and gloom about everything all the time - I’ve loads planned for next year (I’m aware it may not happen) but for me it keeps me going/happy having things to possibly look forward to.

If you don’t want to do the jobs though just don’t

lioncitygirl · 16/10/2020 09:27

well - you accepted doing the jobs so i cant see what the issue is? Just say no if you didnt want to do it.

dontdisturbmenow · 16/10/2020 09:29

If it's your brother's wife to be, see it as doing it for him. If it's your oh' sister, get him to do it.

It's not for you to decide that it's pointless. It could very well go ahead. She has chosen to delay knowing the risks, she deserves to have her choice respected.

pepsicolagirl · 16/10/2020 09:31

This is nuts OP. shoulders back, chin up, boobs out and repeat after me -

No, I can't help with that - have a look online and I'm sure you will find somewhere to do that job.

Nobody can guilt trip you unless you let them. As pp said, if SIL helped you to put your wedding together then fair enough (and frankly you really should not be whining about reciprocating) but if not then bollocks. If you DH is so keen then let him do it.

VictoriaBun · 16/10/2020 09:31

" No , I've done x , y, and z and I'm busy right now "
and just leave it at that.

Doggybiccys · 16/10/2020 09:34

OP you need to woman up and start saying no!

Jjimdak · 16/10/2020 09:39

You wonder how long the marriage is going to last with these Bridezilla types!

Printing the order of service so early when so much can change is madness.

Original poster
Hrps · 16/10/2020 09:40

My SIL didn't really help at all at our wedding, lots of "feedback" about our ideas (both solicited and not!) but no practical help. And yes, we made a million and one compromises but as I've always said the goal was marrying my husband not having a wedding so they were worth it.

It's a very challenging family dynamic and in not helping, my MIL will take it as a personal insult on her, but I might need to take that risk. I'm well aware that printing the order of service was totally nuts!

I think the general consensus is to stay quiet but make my excuses about more help at the moment.

OP posts:
AriettyHomily · 16/10/2020 09:41

Why on earth would print an order of service now for a May wedding. Nuts.

Friendsoftheearth · 16/10/2020 09:42

I would make an excuse, and not do the jobs and field her messages. When you do reply, simply say 'I am very caught up with work/dc/etc it might be faster if you asked someone else, as I wouldn't want to let you down. Very excited about your wedding, and I hope it is all going well!'

Be careful that you don't come across as the sour bitter one! Bright and breezy all the way when it comes to the jobs. You know I would love to, but...... Don't engage with dh about it, tell you are busy the wedding isn't until next summer, and right now you have too much on your plate.

You have the right to say no!!

ImSleepingBeauty · 16/10/2020 09:44

I'm still happy to help

but

I spent yesterday evening printing 160 orders of services for her, spending my own money on the paper and ink

Doesn’t scream “happy to help” to me.

I would ask why you need to be so involved when you think her plans are so unrealistic. Step back and leave her to it.

I’d follow the advice you’ve already been given to keep it shut. Otherwise it sounds a lot like your can’t wait to tell her “I told you so” if / when her plans collapse.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2020 09:45

If MIL is so keen to help she can do it all herself.

Honestly, you’re not helping yourself by going along with the charade, albeit reluctantly, if it’s making you so annoyed. Draw a line now, no more time, effort or printing, let them get on with it but do nothing else to contribute. What’s the worst that can happen? If they stop speaking to you you can enjoy the blissful silence. And why aren’t the men folk doing jobs or getting guilted?

Your guilt is yours to manage OP. Decide not to care and it’ll go away.

FinallyHere · 16/10/2020 09:46

I've tried wiggling out of jobs and even saying a flat out no but each time in guilt tripped b

I'm sorry you have all this going on.

Would it help you to think of it as your own personal lesson in assertiveness. They are going to be your family for a good long time. You might as well get the hang of protecting your own (and your family's) boundaries now.

Be enthusiastic for her plans. Anything that appears to be a job for you just ignore. Don't engage. If anyone tries to suggest that it's your job smile and say 'oh, I'm sorry, that won't be possible.'

Follow through. Keep repeating 'that won't be possible '.

Nothing else. Any excuse is just an opening to debate and try and change your mind. If you had a toddler would you give in to them because they persist? Thought not.

Rinse and repeat 'that won't be possible'

I promise, they can't make you. The sooner you, and they, get clear about that, the better. Does your DH have your back. If so, send him in to stop them expecting you to do stuff.

If not, why not.

Jjimdak · 16/10/2020 09:48

Start as you mean to go on with married life and say no to more in-law demands, otherwise you will always be the “servant”.

By next May you’ll be sick to the eye-teeth about SIL’s wedding capers.

2me2u2u2me · 16/10/2020 09:50

If you feel by saying no you are going to get a backlash from these unreasonable lot, which sounds like you are, I would be saying I'm happy to help [through gritted teeth] but not until you are ready to send the invites out/a few weeks before, not 7 months as we don't know what the situation is going be at that time, ffs, it's ridiculous and I think as a pp said, you need to be strong and stick to your guns. If they take the funnies, f*ck em, they're not worth it!

Also, where is your DH in all this, can't he speak to his mother/sister and tell them to back off?!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/10/2020 09:51

Get her to reimburse you for the paper and ink, to reduce your own resentment and feelings of pointlessness. Then the burden is on her if they're all wasted.

Do the bare minimum on the "jobs" you're being guilted into - or learn how NOT to be guilted into them (hard, I know)

You can't talk any sense into her - as it happens I agree with you, but she's obviously staying optimistic and you have to let her go her own path with this.

What you do NOT have to do is become out of pocket over it.

LeaveMyDamnJam · 16/10/2020 09:58

So what if mil takes it as a personal insult. Sod that nonsense. Stop feeding the crazy or you will have another 40+ years of this.

Why did the order of service need printing 7 months prior to the wedding?

scrappydappydoooooo · 16/10/2020 09:59

@taraRoo There is no sign of any vaccine and even if there is one it would be in the early stages.

You are so very, very wrong on this. PfizerBiontech, Oxford/AstraZeneca and even Moderna are all nearing the end of phase 3 trials and on rolling review for early approval. The first two are expected to become available to the public this winter. Possibly as soon as December for priority groups, almost certainly by February. The UK mass vaccination planning, is prepared to start in December with an ambitious goal to be near completion by Easter. It's an excellent well thought out plan with every chance of succeeding.

We will still have to wait another few weeks before we know if the front-running vaccines will definitely be safe and effective enough to be given EUA licensing. But P/Bt have just started paediatric testing for children of 12+ and they sure as hell wouldn't be experimenting on children if they weren't massively confident.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 16/10/2020 10:00

Everyone is humouring her now, this will be the pattern for ever after.
It's sad they're playing your heartstrings over you and DH managing to get your own wedding after four attempts.
You're made to feel like you're being rude by trying to say no.

Do they frame it as you being the only person who can step up? I bet you aren't the only person who could help them.

Sedlescombe · 16/10/2020 10:02

What sort of wedding she has is entirely down to her and her partner

How much of the work you assist with is entirely down to you.

Agree a reasonable amount you are prepared to do and stick to it. There is no such thing as "guilt tripping"..either you do it or you dont, and yes as others have said it may take a bit of assertiveness.

Good luck

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2020 10:02

You really need to grow a backbone and say no. It you don’t, this is how you will be treated forever.

Either make peace with the fact you are choosing to do these jobs or stand up for yourself.

MoiraNotRuby · 16/10/2020 10:04

I have two SILs and didn't help either of them with wedding stuff, nor did I ask them to help with my wedding.

Just say NO

If that leads to a fall out, better sooner rather than later tbh. Or you could be a doormat for years and then one day realise you should have been assertive from the start...

Awrite · 16/10/2020 10:04

Acquiesce now and be walked over forever. You are setting up a dynamic.