Wedding + SIL = a recipe for disaster!

[Hrps]

As a family, covid restrictions certainly hit us hard with first my sister in law's wedding being cancelled then our own changing 4+times (we got married in September, and It was actually perfect, I wouldn't change a thing!).

My sister in law has rearranged her wedding for next May, she is utterly set that it will be the big 150+ people wedding she had originally planned. I can absolutely understand her wanting to hope for the best, but with the best will in the world I just don't see it happening.

Her single-mindedness about not changing a thing is effecting the whole family already, such as I spent yesterday evening printing 160 orders of services for her, spending my own money on the paper and ink.

The list of jobs for me to do is ever growing and I'm starting to feel resentful about how much work I've been signed up for, due to how pointless it feels making things for 150+ guests who will likely never attend! I'm still happy to help out but I don't think she's being reasonable!

I've been told quite firmly to stay quiet with my opinions on planning for this number as "we got to have our day, now let her have hers". The view of the whole family seems to be to let it be never mind how much extra time and money we will all be investing in it.

AIBU to feel like this? Should I stay quiet to keep the peace or does she need a gentle reality check?

@Jjimdak

As well as print 150 orders of service just think of the “jobs” bridezilla could have for you...

Hand make and write wedding invitations and ‘save the day’ cards for 150 - buy card, glue gun, card toppers, calligraphy pens and ink, envelopes and stamps
Hand sew 150 bags to put wedding favours in (pay for fabrics, ribbons and thread)
Make wedding favours
Write place settings (buy more card)
Make table decorations
Make wedding cake (you can learn sugar craft by May surely?)
Make boxes to put wedding cake in and write (calligraphy pens get another outing here) address labels
Etc.

For hen do...

Organise (and pay for) whacky costumes
See yet more bags to put “Hens pamper sets in”, buy fabric, shite from Superdrug etc.

And on the day itself...
Decorate the church and wedding reception venue (pay for florists bill
Organise (and pay for) confetti

Get ordained - conduct the actual marriage service?

@Hrps

There is a really really strong family pressure to do these jobs particularly as the viewpoint seems to be that as she didn't get her day so we need to pull together to make her next one perfect.

I've tried wiggling out of jobs and even saying a flat out no but each time in guilt tripped because we managed to make our wedding work on the original day we had planned.

Well say I really want to help her so I’ll do x and y and stipulate smaller jobs. Like you’ll do 11 table centrepieces and a table plan board but not the seating plan to go into it and can someone else do z etc. Pick easy jobs and do few.

Honestly, just stand up to her/ them or you're asking for a lifetime of this shit. Firstly send her an email asking for reimbursement for the costs of printing. Then keep saying "I've an awful lot on with work at the moment. I may be in a position to help a little nearer the time." every time she asks you to do something.

If your in laws are tricky you are best off not starting out by trying to win their approval, you're only making a rod for your own back.

She is upset that your wedding went ahead and her big fat do didn’t, so it’s up to you to make her day bigger and better than hers, as she is the “star” of the family.

Maybe it's just me, but why do you need anyone else to do jobs for you when you get married???

I get that there is lots to do, but isn't that why you give yourself plenty of time to do it? The whole idea of dishing out tasks to other people has always seemed ridiculous to me.

Ask your DH to do all of this, it is his sister after all. Did her DH to be help prepare your own wedding?

Tbh OP I’d find a way to detach yourself from your MIL’s expectations because you might have kids, SIL might have kids, there are YEARS of family events and Christmases ahead and it looks like you’re being taken advantage of.

I’d get your husband on the case immediately and also, don’t hesitate to send SIL the invoice from the printer.

Not joking, this is just the beginning. Tell your DH it’s his family, his jobs, and if he wants to help SIL he will. If he doesn’t, he’ll sort it I imagine.

Don’t worry about not being accepted into the bosom of the family: you’re only EVER an in-law anyway so keep your expectations of them low.

Why in the world are you rooting Order of service for something in May!? When I got married pre Covid times I did it maybe 3/4 weeks before...?

Printing*

Agree to do stuff then just don’t. When chased, wax lyrical about how busy you’ve been and say you’ll “try” to do it soon. And don’t.

Normally I’d be all for upfront honesty but her guilt-tripping you makes me think bridezilla deserves to be given the run-around.

I work with a lot of people who never ever do what I need them to. But they’re always so nice about it and promise to do it straight away that I’m never able to lose my shit at them. It’s fucking infuriating for me but I can’t help but admire the tactics...

How is she too busy to do all this?

Can you give an example of what happened why you tried to say no, perhaps we can come up with some excuses for you.

What jobs is your husband doing for his sister? Or are all the jobs falling to you?

I imagine things will get back to normal very quickly after a vaccination is rolled out - prob Jan-March. In which case yes your sil’s wedding could go ahead.

The work you guys are doing is a seperate issue. Sounds like it’s payback for all the work you and your dh seemingly made her family do to make your wedding work on the day, so I think it’s fair. If push came to shove you could arrange a ‘drive thru’ wedding like some wedding venues are offering for Indian weddings.

You’re not actually happy to help though, are you?

It would be VVVU to say anything.

Equally it’s not U not to help if you don’t want to. But you’re a grown woman/man. If you can’t stick to your guns that’s your own fault!

If it means that much to you not to be involved, refuse. But you have to have the guts to stand by your decision.

DH's sister, DH's circus. If they want any more 'jobs' doing, refer them to him. Watch with interest to see how many of them he takes on.

The presumption of 'wifework' irks me no end. It's a thing I have no interest in doing and therefore don't do. You'll be setting a very irritating precedent for your future if you keep on capitulating. Drop the baggage at the feet of those who own it. You don't have to carry it and the world isn't going to end if you stop.

I imagine things will get back to normal very quickly after a vaccination is rolled out - prob Jan-March. In which case yes your sil’s wedding could go ahead.

I'm an RN and I think you're greatly underestimating the manufacturing and distribution challenges. Two of the phase three trials have already been delayed. Some vaccines will have to be transported and stored at ultracold temperatures. Tens of millions of medical glass vials will have to be made, along with, along with other injection supplies. It won't be simple or easy and things will go wrong. If everything goes well you might be able to distribute a few million doses a month, and then patients will have to get a second jab a month later to have immunity. Even if that happens restrictions on large indoor gatherings are very likely to remain for most of 2021.

She might have her wedding in May. She might also get hit by a meteor.

So weirdly I feel like this is bad news for some posters when it's probably the best news we've had in decades. PfizerBiontech have just released a letter saying the hope to apply for vaccine approval in the third week of November. The rolling reviews of this vaccine mean it could well be available, just as everyone who has actually been following news on the most important thing that's ever, collectively, happened to us knows, in December.

@MissConductUS I'm an RN and I think you're greatly underestimating the manufacturing and distribution challenges. Two of the phase three trials have already been delayed. Some vaccines will have to be transported and stored at ultracold temperatures. Tens of millions of medical glass vials will have to be made, along with, along with other injection supplies. It won't be simple or easy and things will go wrong. If everything goes well you might be able to distribute a few million doses a month, and then patients will have to get a second jab a month later to have immunity.

These vaccines have been in mass production since the middle of the summer. Hundreds of millions of doses are already ready to roll out and have been pre-ordered by our respective health authorities. Vaccination distribution plans have already been concluded. Or did you think you were the only person on earth to have assessed the obvious problems and that your inability to solve those problems in advance means that nobody else could?

And yes there are seven billion people on this planet but lets be realistic. Distribution will not be fair. The best and safest vaccine will be for Europeans/North Americans/Aus/NZ and wealthy Asian populations like Japan and S Korea. It's why the WHO are already testing and planning for distribution of mass produced Chinese vaccines for the developing world, because they'll most likely be produced faster and more readily available than our rigorously tested ones.

@Awrite

Acquiesce now and be walked over forever. You are setting up a dynamic.

I agree. Particularly as what you have done so far, printing up the order or service so far ahead, and paying for it, what will they ask of you next? Is it assumed that they will not be reimbursing you? What is your DH doing while all this is going on?

I'm well aware that vaccines have been in production since the summer but that doesn't mean you'll have all that you need at the start.

www.independent.co.uk/news/health/coronavirus-vaccine-world-health-organization-uk-airfinity-a9703911.html

“The production forecast shows that it’ll take quite a while for the whole supply chain and production capacity to ramp up to meet the global need. It’s very likely there’ll be a long time where there aren’t enough vaccines for everyone."

And even if supplies are ample, half of the people in the UK say they won't have the vaccine, which means that you'll still have loads of virus transmission next year.

news.sky.com/story/coronavirus-only-half-of-britons-say-they-would-get-a-vaccine-poll-reveals-12045605

I’d follow the advice you’ve already been given to keep it shut. Otherwise it sounds a lot like your can’t wait to tell her “I told you so” if / when her plans collapse.

That is unfair.

Her single-mindedness about not changing a thing is effecting the whole family already, such as I spent yesterday evening printing 160 orders of services for her, spending my own money on the paper and ink.

Utterly fucking ridiculous.

Stop blaming your SIL and family because you've chosen to be a mug. That's on you.

You have a voice, use it.