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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding + SIL = a recipe for disaster!

121 replies

Hrps · 16/10/2020 09:04

As a family, covid restrictions certainly hit us hard with first my sister in law's wedding being cancelled then our own changing 4+times (we got married in September, and It was actually perfect, I wouldn't change a thing!).

My sister in law has rearranged her wedding for next May, she is utterly set that it will be the big 150+ people wedding she had originally planned. I can absolutely understand her wanting to hope for the best, but with the best will in the world I just don't see it happening.

Her single-mindedness about not changing a thing is effecting the whole family already, such as I spent yesterday evening printing 160 orders of services for her, spending my own money on the paper and ink.

The list of jobs for me to do is ever growing and I'm starting to feel resentful about how much work I've been signed up for, due to how pointless it feels making things for 150+ guests who will likely never attend! I'm still happy to help out but I don't think she's being reasonable!

I've been told quite firmly to stay quiet with my opinions on planning for this number as "we got to have our day, now let her have hers". The view of the whole family seems to be to let it be never mind how much extra time and money we will all be investing in it.

AIBU to feel like this? Should I stay quiet to keep the peace or does she need a gentle reality check?

OP posts:
goisey · 16/10/2020 10:06

Just do the jobs, (up to a point - don't do them too efficiently or you will get more passes your way).
Don't piss on her chips.

Merryoldgoat · 16/10/2020 10:08

Orders of service printed 8 months in advance?!

Houseplantmad · 16/10/2020 10:10

Orders of service printed 8 months in advance?!

This.

Madness. Sounds like it's a control thing and aimed at you. You need to wiggle harder and push back.

unmarkedbythat · 16/10/2020 10:11

Say no. Keep saying no. Maybe one person stating the truth- that this is silly and the chances of the wedding happening as planned are slim- will encourage others, who must be thinking the same, to also say no.

Squiffany · 16/10/2020 10:14

Who told you quite firmly to keep your opinions to yourself OP?

Tell them to fuck off and if they’re that bothered, they can volunteer to do it all instead.

CatherinedeBourgh · 16/10/2020 10:15

I presume this is your husband’s sister.

Have a word with him. He should be firmly telling his mother and sister to back off on the demands. If anyone else has to do something it should be him, not you.

Snog · 16/10/2020 10:19

Say no to the jobs, saying no is an important skill to develop. Don't feel guilty, she has no right whatsoever to expect you to do jobs for her and all the more so since she didn't do any for your wedding. If you accept the unwanted jobs your are building resentment which does not honour your relationship with your SIL.

Keep your doubts to yourself though, none of us knows the future and it's just mean to piss on her chips.

Eddielzzard · 16/10/2020 10:22

Umm if it's that important why doesn't your DH do it then? This is ridiculous - why on earth should you have to print of 160 order of services? Confused

HumptyD · 16/10/2020 10:25

I work in the wedding industry and I would never ever tell a bride to print her order of service 8 months in advance! We have people ring up and swap things round the week before ( eg change their mind on having speeches before food instead of after if people are particularly nervous, that way they can enjoy their meal after!) totally
Madness, I would stop printing as I guarantee you need to amend and reprint nearer the time! Hopefully the numbers will increase but if the ‘15 guest’ rule has been said it’s roughly until March, I cannot see within 2 months the numbers going from 15-150. Keeping in mind it isn’t just the government, it’s the venue and registrars. For example, before boring after it the original 30 guest limit on,
Our local registrars put a ban on ceremonies over 6 people.. 6! So even if Boris gives the green light, doesn’t mean registrars and churches have to do this. The fact the family want to ‘pull together’ to make it perfect is their choice,But I don’t get why so soon, she hasn’t got a week to plan a wedding.. it’s already planned, she has 8 months to sort all of this? I wouldn’t go in kicking off obviously but could you maybe ask her politely like ‘how come your doing all this so early, what if anything changes?’ Not even Covid related just in general anything could change. There is being organised and then there is being ridiculous. Good luck!

HumptyD · 16/10/2020 10:26

Boris* that’s meant to say, not boring Grin

combatbarbie · 16/10/2020 10:29

Does the order of service have the date? If so I'd have agreed but not printed anything.....

CleverCatty · 16/10/2020 10:29

No and no.

Honestly why should you as SIL to be be expected to help your SIL with her wedding plans?

Most people do it themselves. I knew I would be either far to perfectionist with mine so I hired a wedding planner. No way in hell I would've asked my SIL to help out!

My DB wife (another SIL) her DM did help a bit with wedding planning but that partly because the DP were paying for wedding and it was happening near them and with friends of family helping out, otherwise the bride did it all herself even though she had a very busy job.

BlueCatRedCat · 16/10/2020 10:32

@CatherinedeBourgh

I presume this is your husband’s sister.

Have a word with him. He should be firmly telling his mother and sister to back off on the demands. If anyone else has to do something it should be him, not you.

What is he doing to help? Why isn't he printing off orders of service? Or is this women's work?
CupidStunt2020 · 16/10/2020 10:33

The UK mass vaccination planning, is prepared to start in December with an ambitious goal to be near completion by Easter. It's an excellent well thought out plan with every chance of succeeding

Thanks so much for this, thats the best laugh I've had in ages! Seriously, I can't remember the last time I actually laughed out loud so much.
Bojo's government are going to co-ordinate and fund a mass vaccine plan to be done by EASTER!! And the UK populous are going to line up and take it!!
And there's going to be a brilliant Brexit deal and then after that it will start to rain gold coins.....
Grin Grin Grin

HaggieMaggie · 16/10/2020 10:35

[quote scrappydappydoooooo]**@taraRoo* There is no sign of any vaccine and even if there is one it would be in the early stages.*

You are so very, very wrong on this. PfizerBiontech, Oxford/AstraZeneca and even Moderna are all nearing the end of phase 3 trials and on rolling review for early approval. The first two are expected to become available to the public this winter. Possibly as soon as December for priority groups, almost certainly by February. The UK mass vaccination planning, is prepared to start in December with an ambitious goal to be near completion by Easter. It's an excellent well thought out plan with every chance of succeeding.

We will still have to wait another few weeks before we know if the front-running vaccines will definitely be safe and effective enough to be given EUA licensing. But P/Bt have just started paediatric testing for children of 12+ and they sure as hell wouldn't be experimenting on children if they weren't massively confident.[/quote]
Agreed DD is a HCP in a large teaching hospital, they have already been asked who wants to Volunteer for the vaccine. Flu jab this week, COVID vaccine coming this way soon!

CoralFish · 16/10/2020 10:38

Okay eight months in advance for the order of service does sounds a bit ridiculous, BUT I imagine she is very stressed about whether her wedding will happen as planned or not, and there is no way of knowing this for certain until much much nearer the time, so ploughing on in a state of denial right now doesn't actually sound that bad. It's probably her way of dealing with it.

It sounds like you are resentful about the time and money the 'jobs' you have been given are costing, and this is perfectly reasonable. I suspect you would feel this way with or without the 'covid-factor'.

I have a friend whose wedding cost me a fortune (I was a bridesmaid, had a lot of responsibilities and it was abroad) and I was resentful, but her friendship was more important to me so I put up with it and kept my mouth shut!

Perhaps having a moan here (and realising you are justified in moaning!) will be enough, or perhaps you will have to say something to her. Only you can decide that.

justilou1 · 16/10/2020 10:39

Give her the receipts and ask for payment before you start the next task. Stop looking for approval from outlaws. The more you do that, the further it will slip from your grasp. Approval is NEVER going to come your way from these people. They are going to continue taking the piss as long as you let them. You are currently the doormat.

Florencex · 16/10/2020 10:42

Why did you need to print the order of service now for a May wedding? Why are you doing any jobs? Is your DH (presumably its his sister getting married) doing any jobs or is it women’s work only?

MorrisZapp · 16/10/2020 10:42

Ooh it's a bridezilla/vaccine/Bojo thread.

I'm team vaccine.

lurker101 · 16/10/2020 10:43

Why on Earth are order of services being printed so far in advance?! So many things can change - “bridesmaid” is 9 months pregnant on new wedding date so can no longer attend, minister (or other officiant) changes etc. Etc. This is such a waste of time and money at this stage regardless of anything else

SimplyRadishing · 16/10/2020 10:45

Yanbu
But you need to outmanouvre this.

With the order of service I'd have sourced an online printing service and once done I would have said
Hi SIL I was thinking, home printing 120 isnt practical it'll be £40 and quality wont be as nice as professional and i found a company with a 10% offer and it's only £25 to print - which would you prefer "

If you want practical help tell us the specific jobs you are being asked to do and people can give you advice.

Baggingarea · 16/10/2020 10:48

Did she do any tasks/errands for your wedding OP? Did she attend your wedding and have to fork out for it?

If not maybe use timescales as an excuse or get your DH on the to do list!

Sedlescombe · 16/10/2020 10:48

[quote scrappydappydoooooo]**@taraRoo* There is no sign of any vaccine and even if there is one it would be in the early stages.*

You are so very, very wrong on this. PfizerBiontech, Oxford/AstraZeneca and even Moderna are all nearing the end of phase 3 trials and on rolling review for early approval. The first two are expected to become available to the public this winter. Possibly as soon as December for priority groups, almost certainly by February. The UK mass vaccination planning, is prepared to start in December with an ambitious goal to be near completion by Easter. It's an excellent well thought out plan with every chance of succeeding.

We will still have to wait another few weeks before we know if the front-running vaccines will definitely be safe and effective enough to be given EUA licensing. But P/Bt have just started paediatric testing for children of 12+ and they sure as hell wouldn't be experimenting on children if they weren't massively confident.[/quote]
Sorry Scrappy but I think you are being aspirational at best. The last quote I saw had the CEO of Astra Zeneca saying a vaccine this year was "possible". There are huge uncertainties and I wouldn't be making plans on it "almost certainly being February". The scientists dont know so I am pretty certain none of us do

derxa · 16/10/2020 10:49

Not buying it

MoonJelly · 16/10/2020 10:50

@Hrps

There is a really really strong family pressure to do these jobs particularly as the viewpoint seems to be that as she didn't get her day so we need to pull together to make her next one perfect.

I've tried wiggling out of jobs and even saying a flat out no but each time in guilt tripped because we managed to make our wedding work on the original day we had planned.

This is ridiculous. All the planning and work in the world won't make her big wedding happen if ultimately the law prevents it. Nor will it jinx the wedding if you leave printing the orders of service until nearer the date. For goodness sake, tell the family to stand back and use some common sense - and that you refuse to be guilt tripped for applying common sense yourself.
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