Parents in 80's going to pub

[Astrid80]

I just need some perspective / advice here, is it usual for your parents in their early 80's to be going out for pub lunches, given the current climate? I'm talking a packed out gastro pub type thing, not a small out of the way pub that perhaps doesn't get that busy. The places they go to are 3 + dining rooms big and always busy.

They're going out on Friday to one place and again on Saturday to another with 2 sets of different friends. It's my mother's birthday and I'm in the dog house for not joining in and arranging a 3rd lunch date with them this weekend on Sunday. I do have an autoimmune condition / chronic illness (that they can't relate to) and I was previously shielding.

Maybe I'm still being too cautious, but hearing on the news of all the places being put under tougher restrictions again makes me feel it's not the best time to be going for 3 pub lunches in one weekend? They've always been healthy til the last few years when high blood pressure / cholesterol and dodgy knees kicked in. They're both in better health than me though

I don't know what to do, am I being a total killjoy? I did ask if they'd like to come to us for tea on one of the days (trying to compromise), they said they'd probably be too full and tired but would come if we really couldn't make a lunch out.

I tried to put it out there to my mother about you know... the pandemic / their age / my condition etc but I get the impression I'm being a total party pooper and massive pain in the arse to them by not complying. I've always done what my parents wanted and I'm now 41 This is one of the few times I've not done what they expected / wanted. They seem oblivious to the fact so much of the country is going into lockdown again, unless it effects them directly they have no time for what's going on elsewhere. My mother made a comment about it perhaps being her last birthday, in a guilt tripping kind of way saying "well just think, I might not be here next year..." Mind you she's been saying that for the last 10 years at birthdays and Christmas when it comes to making plans! I usually end up doing what I'm told to avoid drama!

I say brilliant. Leave them to it. If they feel safe and confident enough to be out,let them. They're enjoying the years they have left. 🙂

Good for them. Yes, there are risks. However, after reading a thread a few weeks ago about how quickly many posters previously healthy elderly parents had deteriorated beyond the point of return during lockdown when their social and active routines were disrupted, I would be inclined to encourage them.

I think let them enjoy the time they have left. No point in locking themselves away and being sad

They sound great. Sure, they could wrap themselves in cottonwool and live to be 90 - if their choice is to enjoy life rather than simply exist, good for them!

I'd be more inclined to agree with you OP.

It's their choice and I'd like to think that other patrons and staff would be conscious of the risk that may be posed to them and act safely. There's no reason that older people should have to sit at home if they don't want to (as long as restrictions are being adhered to).

My view may be jaded by the fact that my 80-year old grandmother who doesn't have the lung capacity to blow out a candle tested positive for COVID on two separate occasions in her care home and did not experience any adverse affects from it. It's not a guaranteed death sentence.

They are entitled to take whatever stance they like on this but so are you. It sounds like they are more likely to put you at risk than the other way round so maybe it's time for you to do you and if they are acting in a way that doesn't work for you don't meet up anywhere. Why would you want people who have mixed with two other sets of people at two restaurants in your house?

Take the fact they are your parents out of the equation and decide if this is a risk you are willing to take considering your own health and therefore the wellbeing of your own family unit?

Absolutely it's their choice I know, I just wondered what other people's parents / grandparents are doing?

They're pretty healthy for their ages, they're well off financially, and to be honest nothing's really changed for them during lockdown apart from when pubs and restaurants were closed, and when my mother couldn't get her hair done for a few months!

I understand you worry for them, but if they want to take the risk going out then let them.

Being in their 80s they know they are towards the end of their life and I’m sure they want to enjoy it.

You have also decided not to take the risk, don’t let them try and guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do.

@TheTeenageYears Yep you've hit the nail on the head. I've always done what they've asked because I've always been the "awkward" one, and feel guilt because we're different, so usually end up doing what they want me to, or agreeing with what they say. This is probably the first time I haven't done that. I wouldn't dream of trying to stop them going out for their lunches or put a downer on it, but unfortunately they don't seem to accept my own reasons for not doing the same. They seemed annoyed I was on the shielding list and they weren't

If they are breaking rules tell them, if not then it is not up to you, yes I can see why you are concerned but if they are allowed within the rules then they are not doing anything wrong

They are in their 80’s. They could die tomorrow of Covid. They could die tomorrow in their beds. I would just leave them be to enjoy themselves whatever that may be with whatever risk is associated.

Are they CEV?

Cev?

Mine are the same, like they said we have to die of something, would rather it not be boredom, depression, loneliness... life is short.

Choosing to do these things themselves is one thing, but putting pressure on you and making you feel bad is not ok. It sounds like they have a long term history of not really empathising or understanding your condition, which must be hard for you. I don't think you should feel pressured at all, do what you feel is right for you.

As for what others are doing, my DM is in her early 80s and she has been going out, but not in the same way as your parents by the sound of it. She has eaten inside at a handful of places but has mostly gone to places where she can sit outside for cake/coffee. She doesn't like pubs so that isn't an issue! Now she is in tier two and looks like might be three soon so she is limited to outside anyway, unfortunately the weather is not good for that so I do worry about her being more isolated. On the other hand with cases rising in her area I think she would be more careful anyway. She has been going to the hairdresser etc but has not booked next appointment as she wants to see how things go.

To be honest, it doesn't look likely there will many places left in tier one for long. So I doubt busy places or meeting others indoors will be an option for much longer for your parents. I guess it might be if they live in one of the really low areas, but cases are just steadily rising everywhere and the tiers seems to be the current approach for better or worse.

I'd like to think if I was in my 80's and healthy (and wealthy) enough to be eating out at what sounds like lovely places then I would. It's at that stage in life when you know there isn't much longer left, I'd like to think bugger it and enjoy myself whilst I can - of course within the rules set out now.

They sound quite dismissive of your condition

@Astrid80 - CEV = Clinically Extremely Vulnerable - ie those c.2 million people with specified medical treatment and who were required to shield during lockdown. Over 80s not included.

If CEV, yes, I would say foolish.

Theteenageyears has got it right, I think. You can't control what your parents do so leave them to it, but equally you need to decide what you are comfortable with. If that means keeping away from them because they go out so much then so be it. Your choice.

It's kind of like the Covid version of not going to the bomb shelter at night during WW2 isn't it? My Nan who was in Liverpool through the Blitz said her Mum would never go to the shelter. She used to say "If I'm going to die, I'm doing it in my own bed, not in a dirty cellar with strangers."

She didn't die in the Blitz either. She was too old to bother about it she said...she was going to enjoy each day in her own way.

@Astrid80 I'm sure if you are a parent yourself you are struggling to understand the lack of understanding shown by your parents for your condition. I can't imagine a time when I am not all over it as a parent in terms of medical issues relating to my children, one of whom is now technically an adult (a scary concept in itself). I'm presuming your diagnosis came as an adult rather than when you were a child but struggling to comprehend how they just don't understand a serious medical condition which affects their child. You have my sympathies.

I won’t step foot in a pub. I have a child to raise and it’s my job to keep myself alive for her. I’ve got health problems that make Covid a real risk.
My elderly father is free to do whatever he wants. He has no responsibilities or obligations. My mother is already gone. He knows full well that his remaining days are numbered. He should spend them how he wants as long as he follows guidelines and doesn’t endanger other people.

I get it. I really do. I have chronic fatigue - which is more and more believed to be an autoimmune reaction. Mine happened because I was poisoned by 2 different sorts of drugs a few years apart and my body never recovered. The second time gave me a very severe reaction and put me into a state of extreme exhaustion. The GP didn’t get it. My mother didn’t believe me. I was just the difficult one. Then I finally had something “medical” resulting in major surgery, which then turned in 3 major surgeries. It’s bloody infuriating.

Anyway, as you’ve acknowledged, you can’t stop them from going out. And you can’t stop them from having zero reaction to what it sounds like they consider to be your fake illness. It really is not worth trying to persuade them otherwise. But it really hurts that they are probably talking about you. My mother did this with my brother a lot resulting in him becoming increasingly aggressive toward me and we are now NC for my physical protection. Don’t toe the line. Protect yourself. You are in a different cycle in your life to them.

As long as they’re within guidelines as regards their group I’d try not to worry. In my experience, pubs are doing social distancing measures pretty well. The situation with your illness and their lack of understanding does sound frustrating though.