Parents in 80's going to pub

[Astrid80]

I just need some perspective / advice here, is it usual for your parents in their early 80's to be going out for pub lunches, given the current climate? I'm talking a packed out gastro pub type thing, not a small out of the way pub that perhaps doesn't get that busy. The places they go to are 3 + dining rooms big and always busy.

They're going out on Friday to one place and again on Saturday to another with 2 sets of different friends. It's my mother's birthday and I'm in the dog house for not joining in and arranging a 3rd lunch date with them this weekend on Sunday. I do have an autoimmune condition / chronic illness (that they can't relate to) and I was previously shielding.

Maybe I'm still being too cautious, but hearing on the news of all the places being put under tougher restrictions again makes me feel it's not the best time to be going for 3 pub lunches in one weekend? They've always been healthy til the last few years when high blood pressure / cholesterol and dodgy knees kicked in. They're both in better health than me though

I don't know what to do, am I being a total killjoy? I did ask if they'd like to come to us for tea on one of the days (trying to compromise), they said they'd probably be too full and tired but would come if we really couldn't make a lunch out.

I tried to put it out there to my mother about you know... the pandemic / their age / my condition etc but I get the impression I'm being a total party pooper and massive pain in the arse to them by not complying. I've always done what my parents wanted and I'm now 41 This is one of the few times I've not done what they expected / wanted. They seem oblivious to the fact so much of the country is going into lockdown again, unless it effects them directly they have no time for what's going on elsewhere. My mother made a comment about it perhaps being her last birthday, in a guilt tripping kind of way saying "well just think, I might not be here next year..." Mind you she's been saying that for the last 10 years at birthdays and Christmas when it comes to making plans! I usually end up doing what I'm told to avoid drama!

My parents are behaving similarly and it is a worry, but I just a) zone it out and b) stand my ground. I've always been different to them and they do get annoyed but I think I am right so what can you do

They are often this way with health advice. They are not breaking any laws but are doing an awful lot.

But stand your ground. I said to them last week that everyone has to find their own way. But inside my head I was

It's ultimately their choice.

As a young healthy person I'm frequenting pubs and restaurants often. Hospitality is really struggling, there will be nothing left if people don't go. I'm in tier 2 and going out for dinner tonight.

In my 60's, eldest DD actually screamed at me at beginning of lockdown, that I was NOT to go out, fast forward to August, told me I was a killjoy, because she wants to loose weight I asked if she realised there was over 700 cals in that bag of sweets along, (hardly rocket science) she smokes,drinks (and some!!)I have neighbours in their 80s,90s, meant to shielded just because of age, they went out,some waiting operations which have been cancelled leaving them in severe pain. I can understand your problem,because you have an autimine complication, but they are grown ups, you unfortunately cannot stop an average adult doing what they want.I did read in the paper acouple of days ago, (written by a Prof) that 6 out of 7 people in their 90s, who get corona now survive.

My 91 year old grandma goes out for coffee everyday and has been going to the pub at least twice a week. They are adults, they can make their own risk assessment as can you.

I did read in the paper acouple of days ago, (written by a Prof) that 6 out of 7 people in their 90s, who get corona now survive

It is still an extremely grim process for a large number of those who survive though, it really isn't recommended!

They are adults, they can make their own risk assessment as can you

Many are making a wrong assessment though. There's nothing one can do about it, but there are many who are clearly doing things their GP would advise they didn't.

Just like many people smoke, drink too much, drive too fast - I can't stop them.

I thought this was about parents going to the pub in the 80's. I thought the OP was going to ask if anyone else ever got left outside with a packet of crisps and some lemonade.

I understand your worry and you should only do what makes you comfortable. However if I was elderly I don’t think I’d be staying in cooped up given there’s not a lot of time left.

I would say good for them - if they have made it to that age and are still able to get out then good on them for enjoying life while they can! Much better than sitting indoors feeling down.

@PutThemInTheIronMaiden me too 😁

Me too!!
Big of crisps in a cortina!!

Mine is locked in a care home, no one in no one out other than the staff. She‘s not been outside nor seen a soul since March and she would give anything to be going out once a week for a lovely meal and would consider it well worth any risk but then she’s only in her early seventies and been in poor health for years. I’d say be happy they’re happy and making the most of the time they have left. Living and existing are very different things.

bag of crisps in the car listening to the radio!

i agree though, it is their choice

@PutThemInTheIronMaiden

I thought this was about parents going to the pub in the 80's. I thought the OP was going to ask if anyone else ever got left outside with a packet of crisps and some lemonade.

Snap!

OP, you've made your view plan, they're adults, don't infantilise them. The more vocal your opposition, the more determined they might be.

I think this is more about your resentment at having been a 'good' daughter/met their expectations and feeling you're 'getting nothing back'. It may be time to look at those expectations (do you just perceive them as such or do your parents express them explicitly?) and consider whether you might want to change your approach - not as a way of teaching your parents a lesson - but for you, to avoid your relationship with them and yourself being founded on resentment.

I posted on another thread about lockdown destroying my parents, and being advised of a general very fast decline in a lot of elderly. I am starting to think that maybe the elderly should take their chances rather than being ‘protected’. Similarly to you OP, although totally opposite parent approach I have to do my best not to be awkward, and agree with my parents on their views. They are pretty OTT about CV in their checks on what I do, advising me not to see my grandkids, and their vocal hatred for anyone stepping outside the door, and most irritating to me is their thinking it doesn’t matter who loses their job, how bad the economy is for future generations, who has MH issues as long as folk stay in and save their lives, not even realising the impact on their own through this approach. It is difficult to stay quiet and agree - but I try very hard - and I feel like I regressed 40 years (except I was not as accommodating as a teen!). I even lied to them like a teen the other week so they didn’t know I was meeting my daughters in a pub for dinner. CV is becoming as divisive as Brexit, but maybe harder as it’s health related to accept what we see as OTT behaviour in either direction. You should do what you’re comfortable with and explain to them - don’t expect them to accept you’re right! But they should accept that you do what you do, as they do what they choose, and respect your health issues. Sadly I find some elderly very self absorbed and unable to see others’ viewpoints, but I guess this comes from a place of fear and worry.

My parents are exactly the same, my DF will be 90 this year ... if they want to go out for a pub lunch I think 'great', let them enjoy their time and help support the local businesses. I went with them yesterday and we had a lovely time. My DM is doing her own shopping and going to her yoga class as well. .

I say let them be at that age. But they really shouldn't pressurise you to do the same, thats unfair. Id say you're happy to have them over for a nice birthday lunch at yours but you don't feel comfortable going out atm given your vulnerability.

My parents are in their 70s, one is ECV and they have both shielded and not gone out since then, apart from walks, getting the flu jab and going to the chemists when needed. They do, however, see my 3yo who doesn't socially distance from them. The rest of us can and do. For them that's a risk they want to take to maintain contact with her. They wouldn't go to pubs though.

Eh? So they want you, with your condition, to put yourself at risk by going to the pub with them?

I think they are being V unreasonable and really quite awful to you. Yes, they should go out and enjoy themselves but they should not be guilt tripping you.

If I were you I’d just tell a white lie and say your Dr has said you shouldn’t be going to pubs/restaurants. And next time they try to guilt trip you, reply “well I might not be here this time next year if I don’t follow the medical guidance for people with my condition”. That should shut them up!

If I get to 80 in reasonably good health and going to live it up. Good on them!
As for risk, I feel quite safe in restaurants at the moment, the ones I’ve been in have taken every precaution.

My parents go to pubs for lunch and I went with them last time. The pub had sanitisers available both in and out and tables are well distanced. Staff wear masks. Parents are very careful but also don’t want to be cooped up inside if they don’t have to.
I go to the pub socially and I feel very safe - they want to be in business so follow rules and make sure customers do - spot checks do happen.
If you don’t feel safe to go then don’t that’s your choice - you also shouldn’t be viewed as being difficult - but your parents are not doing anything wrong either

So wish I had a problem like this OP. Good for your parents, my MIL is terrified to go out at all, it is really worrying, she was never like this before Covid, out all the time etc.

My dm (84) is doing similar. She has compromised in her mind anyway by selecting quieter places. Whilst I think maybe she should be a bit more careful at the end of the day it is her choice to get as much enjoyment out of the time left available to her rather than hiding away depressed at home. Her closest family member is an hour away & most of us a lot further so daily visits in the garden are just not feasible.

If you think the pubs they are gong to are dangerously overcrowded, then report the pubs.

There is no reason whatsoever, until going into a higher tier, for people not to go out in any way that conforms to the rules.

Good for them, let them enjoy themselves I say! A new cocktail bar opened near my 88 year old grandmas house and she took my mum in there yesterday. She’s absolutely sick of being stuck inside not seeing anyone and just wants to live her life.

Yes it is their choice and you need to respect it as they do for yours as long as no rules are broken.

I think the decline can happen quickly at that age if you dont leave the house. My Nan decided at around 83/84 to not leave the house as much (after a church falling out) and the physical decline in her was fast and brutal and when she did around 18 months later decide to start going out again a lot of damage had been done